Sparks To Lose Sizzle Come Next Yizzle

2008 was a tough year for everyone.  It was especially tough on the “malternative” nation.  A few months back, MillerCoors announcing they were canning Zima (no, not taking out of bottles and putting into aluminum… they’re scrapping it altogether).

The plan was to push Sparks in its place, but assholes across America had other ideas (from AP):

MillerCoors agreed to remove caffeine, taurine, guarana and ginseng from Sparks and not produce caffeinated alcohol beverages in the future…in a deal with 13 states and the city of San Francisco, who had contended the drink targeted young drinkers.

The company must also eliminate all references in advertising to caffeinated formulations and not promote Sparks as a mixer for caffeinated drinks. It will remove the plus and minus symbols — which evoke a battery — found on the blue and orange cans for the product. The company also agrees not to use batteries, rockets, lightning bolts, or the terms “powered by” or “ignite” in marketing the new formulation.

The MillerCoors settlement… includes the attorneys general of Arizona, California, Connecticut, Idaho, Illinois, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Mississippi, New Mexico, Ohio and Oklahoma and the city attorney of San Francisco.

It’s a devil’s brew of a product because it combines caffeine with alcohol,” (Steve Gardner, litigation director for public advocacy group the Center for Science in the Public Interest) said.

If Sparks is the devil’s brew, what are Jaeger Bombs?  Rum and Cokes?  Hell, what’s a Long Island Iced Latte?  (Okay, that last one doesn’t exist, but I’d try it.)

All of this is like a version of “Field of Dreams.”  In that movie, “If you build it, they will come.”  In this situation, it’s “If you change the formula, they’ll just find something else.”  Stupid.

I believe Carles of Hipster Runoff puts it best:

Sparks was more than just a drink. It was truly a BRAND. It was more than ‘just another product.’ When I think of Sparks, I think of a lifestyle. I think of good times. I can honestly not think of another beverage with a brand stronger than SPARKS. After a night of Sparks, I could not fall asleep. My heart felt like it wanted to burst of out my chest. My tongue would be orange the next day. Another memory of the previous night–I would look in the mirror, stick out my tongue and smile…

Save one can. Hide it somewhere–this is now your forbidden fruit. In the next few years, something will go wrong or you will feel down. Treat yourself to the sweet nectar that is Sparks…

Honestly. I would give anything for one more SPARKS vomit.

You have until January 10th to get the old-school Sparks.

Mommy, I want one!

Mommy, I want one!

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