Recognize Anybody In This Old Commercial?
Oh, you don’t? I thought she was… and he was… oh, never mind.
Food
#BeenThereDoneThatAlready, Subway!
Well that didn’t take long.
The so-called-artists of Subway apparently don’t exist in their advertising department.
Take a look at their latest commercial:
Why am I up in #arms, you ask? Jimmy Fallon (and Justin Timberlake) already took a crack at this last month:
But what should I expect from a place that makes sandwiches?
Hibbidy-Wah?! Amazon Banana Slicer Amazingness!
Initially, I was going to write about this bath salts warning video, but upon finding out about this, I couldn’t resist…
THE HUTZLER 571 BANANA SLICER
This is the original picture. Wait for the “original pictures.”
Apparently, many people have taken great joy in usurping this product’s listing on Amazon. You can check it all out here, but these are some highlights:
CUSTOMER IMAGES
All my bananas curve the wrong way to use the slicer. (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)
Minds blown… (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)
Great product, but don’t get it mixed up with the banana! (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)
CUSTOMER REVIEWS
Mine didn’t come with instructions, so I’m returning it. Also, call me when they make one that gives you smaller slices. -Pen Name
No more winning for you, Mr. Banana! For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story. Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon. -SW3K
I’m SO glad Hutzler came out with a plastic, dishwasher-safe version with this model (571). Finally! A banana slicer that’s TSA approved for airline travel in your carry-on luggage. With baggage-check fees being so high, I try to avoid checking bags whenever possible, but I just couldn’t travel without my (360-series) stainless steel banana slicer. But now, problem solved!!!! Travel with the plastic 571 version and no checked-baggage fees! No more having to use coffee stirrers from the hotel coffee service to slice my breakfast banana! You can even use it in-flight if you remember to buy a banana from Starbucks before you board. This will be perfect for our trip to Ecuador this summer!!!! Would have gotten 5 stars if it came with a carrying case to keep it clean. -Chryssa Jones
Waiting for 671 to buy. Need one of these *very badly* but anxious that as soon as I buy one… the next model will be out, what with all the new features and such. Don’t know if it is worth the wait, or if I will be disappointed with my 571 when all my friends have the 671? any thoughts? -rrrabbitt “rrrabbitt”
Worth 1002 Words… It’s Like Coning, But You’re Invisible And Don’t Order Soft Serve
I’ve decided that I’m not finding (or looking) for funny pictures anymore, which used to constitute Worth 1002 Words. If I find one that works, I’ll post it. But you know what else is Worth 1002 Words? Some videos, like this one:
CAPTION: Value Men-Boo!
SOME ALTERNATES:
- Chicken McScaredycats
- Worry Flurry
- Big OMG
- McRibbings Return!
- Got Served
Musical Musings… Are We Sure This Wasn’t What The Mayans Warned Us About?
This video will speak for itself, but in case you can’t wait, let me prepare you:
Have you ever wanted to see children deal candy like it was drugs?
Have you ever wanted to see children drink ice tea out of paper bags like it was alcohol?
Have you ever wanted to see the guy that made Rebecca Black’s Friday video and song again?
You’ve been warned:
(SIDENOTE: Tweenchronic most definitely refers to marijuana, right? Well, at least somebody spray paints over “Bieber Fever”…)
The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Higher The Number – The Lamer The Song
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s this: lists are easy. So today – a list! Butt it’s a special kind of list. Today I shall rank songs according to the number they chose to focus on. I say, the higher the number – the lamer the song. For our first turtle head poking out:
THE SHIT
- The Proclaimers’ I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)
This song isn’t the worst on the list, so that makes it best, or The Shit, by comparison. Think of this song as the elusive “No-Wiper” we hope for after our morning coffees and Mountain Dews.
THE TURD EYE BLIND
- Vanessa Carlton’s A Thousand Miles
Ms. Carleton supposedly dated the lead singer of Third Eye Blind, but not before releasing this turd. Lucky for The Proclaimers, it took twice the walking distance to turn Stephan Jenkins on.
THE BROWN NOTE
- 525,600 Minutes from Rent
I enjoy the South Park reference much more than my original ranking title – THE MUSICAL FRUIT. I was of course making a pun out beans and Rent being a musical! Nothing else!
THE JAR OF FARTS
- Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years
I ranked time frames above distance because 1000 years is a hell of a lot more to deal with than 1000 miles! Fart!
JUST SHITTY
- Jason Mraz’s 93 Million Miles
Ah yes, the inspiration for this list. Singing about the sun is so laaaaame. Unless you’re The Beatles. Then it’s okay. So stick this one where the, um, sun don’t shine!
THE DOOKIE ANOMOLY
- Green Day’s 2000 Light Years Away
This song kinds of falls into the camp of how some geniuses are such geniuses they tip over the edge and become stupid (is that a thing?)… Well, this distance is so far that the lameness resets to zero.
(SIDENOTE: Okay, the higher number/lameness factor only works when song titles involve measurements of time and distance. Otherwise,
U2’s One would prove the converse. Simply put – all songs with numbers suck. Except 2000 Light Years Away, ‘natch.)
Hibbidy-Wah?! How Much Bacteria Is In Us?!
Want to be grossed out? Guess how much bacteria exists in the average human body?
The human body carries more than 100 trillion bacteria – up to five pounds of the tiny single-celled organisms.
Together, all of the bacteria in the body would be the size of a large liver, and in many ways, scientists say, the microbiome behaves as another organ in the human body.
(via)
So… the amount of bacteria in EACH OF OUR BODIES roughly equals this:
Too abstract?
How about this?
Too tasty?
Perchance this?
Too tempting?
Maybe this will bring it home:
Too obsolete?
Punch Drunken Recollection… Laffy Taffy Ride
My original plan for this post was to write about a collection of strangers I made up stories about while at a concert. There was:
- Bored Larry – this was a guy standing in front of me that would hunch over for extended periods of time, then suddenly start standing upright again… he also went by Emotional Larry because there was a chance he was moping instead of hunching
- The Kissing Kouple – these two people couldn’t have been more mismatched… he was a Barenaked Ladies understudy; she was a less famous pin-up girl from the 40’s… and they made out the entire concert
- Two Jims – these two guys wouldn’t shut up behind me, bonding over the minutia of life and beer
- Drunk Poor Man’s Parker Posey – this girl was beyond trashed and asked everybody and anybody if they were ready to leave… I believe one of the Two Jims (if not both) might have taken her up on her sad offer
But instead of doing what I just did, I decided to share some Laffy Taffy jokes my siblings and I made up while driving from Chicago to Detroit in two different cars. Enjoy!
Not a very polite beginning, but a beginning nonetheless.
Too easy.
I was not involved in this one so I had to make color alterations.
You see, my sister had this tobacco moth on her tomato plant. It was disgusting… and a terrible guess.
All acceptable guesses. But only one is right.
Sexist!
It should have been a stamp talking to an envelope, but that Laffy Taffy joke probably exists. Hence, convention was turned on its head.
Callback!
This was in reference to me making everybody guess my favorite Wang Chung song.
*Head slap!* Atlantis Morrissette is better!
A Handful Of… Font Changes, Plus Something Sort Of Exciting!
I don’t find this particularly exciting, so I’m not sure why I’m writing about it. This probably has more to deal with the fact that I noticed the odd trend, and I want to share it with you. As you mill over the new logos of three companies, take notice of how similar their new fonts are. While you’re doing that, I think of a way to spice this blog entry up…
Okay… I’ve had moments to think. Howzabout we try this:
A HANDFUL OF… TERRIBLE BOARD GAMES FOR KIDS
- Hot Dog in a Hallway – It’s similar to Hungry, Hungry Hippos, except you shoot Tic Tac-sized plastic hot dogs down a motorized hallway playset that has moving walls like in the movie Labyrinth. Whoever gets the most hot dogs down their hallway wins!
- Last Call – It’s like the game of Life, except your goal is score someone’s number before the clock hits 2:00 am!
- Happy Endings – It’s like Candyland, except you’re on the interstate freeway system, looking for illicit massage parlors. Don’t get stuck in the Lot Lizard pit!
- Bed Bugs – It’s like – oh… yeah, this exists.
- Othello – It’s like Reversi, except you change the name because:
The name was selected as a reference to the Shakespearean play Othello, the Moor of Venice, referencing the conflict between the Moor Othello and Iago, who describes himself as “two-faced” and more controversially, to the unfolding drama between Othello, who is black, and Desdemona, who is white. The green color of the board is inspired by the image of the general Othello, valiantly leading his battle in a green field [or because jealousy is the green-eyed monster – Ed.]. It can also be likened to a jealousy competition (jealousy being the central theme in Shakespeare’s play), since players engulf the pieces of the opponent, thereby turning them to their possession (via Wikipedia)…
Well, that saves me the hassle of Photoshopping those games!
*dusts off hands*
In My Brain While Sleeping… The Kitchen Sink
This is one of those dreams that I shouldn’t share because, quite frankly, it made no sense. So here we go! (With pictures! (And videos!))
I was a writer on Saturday Night Live.
And I was proud about a skit I wrote in which adults were trying to pass each other holding on the top pole of a swing set.
But then they ended up having Krazy Glue hard hats on and stayed in place.
I ran into President Obama at a shopping mall and told him the skit’s premise. He did not find it funny.
Oh yeah… did I mention it was Lingerie Day? All over the mall, women were only wearing lingerie.
And how could I forget to tell you it was coincidentally also Free Ice Cream Day?
But to get free ice cream, you needed a ticket from a sponsor. Every sponsor I checked in with ran out.
I decided I was going to eat ice cream anyway since there was so much leftover. As I moved in, a friend that was working gave me permission to pig out.
That’s when I shared my theory on food portions:
When free food is provided, you should take a fair portion first. Once everyone has gone through the line, you can take a second helping of a higher portion. This does not apply to pizza. More pizza can only be taken in the third round.
That’s about when I overheard a man tell his wife: “You told me not to think!”
My punchline: “She had to tell you not to do that?”
I’d like to think if he was still there, this was his response.
Then I awakened to this song playing on the radio:
monkeyBLOG monkeyDO 