Awful Battle… Not All Candy Is Dandy

Halloween is spookily and creepily and horrifically upon us.  Boo!

Well, at least it has been ever since they pulled all the Back-to-School displays at your local Target a month ago and threw up the orange and black.  So while speaking of “throwing up,” I figured an Awful Battle featuring terrible candy would be frighteningly appropriate!

  • Candy Buttons

Who likes their sugar droppings with a bit of paper?  Perhaps the same people who thought biodegradable gum wrappers were meant for eating.

"Candy Buttons" sounds like a cute porn star name.

  • Orange and Black Taffy(?)

I don’t know what this candy really is, but it was cheap to give out  so I used to get plenty when out trick-or-treating.  I’d much prefer Smarties, thank you.

What were these called? Cheapies? Dummies?

  • Bit-O-Honey

Honey is not candy.  Not now.  Not ever.  Well maybe in the 20’s…

My grandma always had Bit-O-Honey, and I always ate them. Butterscotch, too.

  • Circus Peanuts

Orange marshmallows pressed into peanuts may sound like a win at the circus, but in the real world, normal men do put on face paint and cram into Mini Coopers (that often).  Draw your own conclusions.

I once dared my brother to pack a ton of these into his mouth when he was a kid. Wasn't one of my tougher dares, but the results were funny.

  • Wax Lips

I don’t know how many times I tried chewing on these like they were gum, but they were not gum.  Wax is not gum no matter what anyone tells you!

Not gum!

  • Boston Baked Beans

I don’t think I could even eat these if I was the middle word.

Beans, beans, they're good for nothing.

  • Almond Joy / Mounds

Not a fan of coconut.  That will probably never change, even if I ended up on Survivor.  But if my alternative was rat meat…

Sometimes you feel like a nut, because frankly, you're nuts.

  • Tootsie Fruit Rolls

A perfect example of “if it’s not broke, don’t give it a fruit flavor when chocolate is perfectly fine.”

I have heard the vanilla flavor is pretty good, though.

  • Apple-Flavored Jolly Ranchers

I like Jolly Ranchers otherwise.  This adverse reaction to one particular flavor probably deals with the fact we had an apple tree when I was a child, and I hated picking up the fallen, rotten, worm-invested symbols of the Fall of Man.  Mjusayin’.

I don't like apple juice, candy apples, applesauce, apple fritters, apple cider, nor Apl.De.Ap.

  • Runts Bananas

Why are there so many bananas in a bag or box of Runts?!  And why are they so hard?!

Case closed.

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