The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… So-Called Legends

It appears to me that the word legend gets thrown around an unfair amount.  So I’m gonna throw it around some more but with some context…

THE SHIT

This is the show’s equivalent to “Walk Like an Egyptian.”

In Avatar: The Last Airbender (the TV cartoon – not the movie), we are introduced to an amazing world where gifted individuals can bend (mentally manipulate) the four elements.  But Aang’s more of a legend than Korra at this series’ start.  This show that acts as a sequel not only brought us back to this world, but also a grown up one.  We’re only one season in, and although the finale was a bit too tidy, I can’t wait for more.  This desire to go back is the only thing that trumps what I deeply considered deeming The Shit, and instead opted to rank as…

NUMBER TWO

Look how fast they grow up. And different.

The only legend you need to know about Zelda is that she’s an easy kidnap.  The original game was incredible; I could never beat Zelda II: The Adventures of Link.  A Link to the Past was my next victory… and my last.  I’ve purchased virtually all the games in this series, but even though I play them like crazy when I first get them, I’ve yet to finish another.  I don’t even look forward to them half as much anymore.  I did get close to finishing Twilight Princess… but I just stopped.

BIRD TURD

“Who wants their ass kicked? That’s right… I said who!?”

Owls.  In.  Armor.  ‘Nuff said.

UNDEAD CRAP

“Here’s a little story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down.”

This Will Smith cash grab probably would have got a higher ranking from me if the they would have done one of two things:

  1. Not use CGI zombie/vampire/whatevers
  2. Kept the original ending where his character makes amends with the main CGI zombie/vampire/whatever

WHAT IS THIS SHIT?

It looks passable… and I don’t mean in the bowels sense.

This TV show is only so low because I know little about it.  I know I’ve heard good things about it, but I also know it was cancelled before its time, so to invest any time in catching up on it would be a waste of, um, time.  What they were seeking, I may never know, but if it ever gets picked up again, who knows?  Maybe I’ll seek out the DVD’s.

DINGLEBERRY CENTRAL

“No, this is not about Xenu.”

I haven’t seen this film in forever, and as much as seeing young Mia Sara could tempt me, seeing young Tom Cruise or the weird shirtless (even if it’s a prosthetic) Tim Curry does not.

80’S POOP

I hate to admit this, but the kid is my son.

The plot of this film sounds atrocious, and you can read it by clicking here.  Or you can just read the summary of Billie Jean’s legend:

…[she’s] a symbol of youth empowerment and the evidence of the injustices adults are capable of…

Boo hoo.

JUST SHITTY

Matt Damon: “Are the cameras still on us?” Will Smith: “What cameras?”

Sorry that you made it on here twice, Will Smith.  Nothing against you, but this golf flick (first mistake!) is not good.  In fact, the only good thing it has going for it is that it probably ushered in the end of the magical negro trope.  Well, maybe this quote by Matt Damon’s character, too:

You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn’t much matter ‘cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That’s ok, that’s ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.

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The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Dumb Movie Ideas

"So what's it about?" "Well, it's a whole movie about the opening scene of Lethal Weapon. Except it's a dude. And he's clothed."

Man on a Ledge may actually be a good film, but at first glance, it seems like a dumb idea.  (Not as dumb as this idea.)

(SIDENOTE: The strangest reaction I get from the previews is that I feel like I kind of missed Sam Worthington being in a movie.  It should be noted that this is not because of Avatar or any one of the 100 other flicks he made in the last two years… it’s because of a silly video game commercial.)

This got me thinking about other dumb movies that had dumb ideas and should have never been made (again, not saying Man on a Ledge shouldn’t have been made, but really), and here I’ll rank them from The Shit to Just Shitty.  I saw every one of these in the theater.  I paid to see them.  Minimum wage pay in most cases.

(SIDENOTE: The alternative to this diatribe was about people trapped in situations and things, but I already did that once before.  So moving on…)

THE SHIT

Not about ice cream.

This film being ranked as The Shit comes out of nowhere, pretty much like a tornado.

Twister is one of those films that was made mostly because it could be made (CGI effects were getting better).  Aside from the graphics, it introduced cow as a catchphrase (effectively replacing Bart Simpsons’ famous cow quote).  There are TV shows based around storm chasers these days, so there’s something to its premise.  But then again, there are also shows about lady hoggers.

ALMOST THE SHIT

Not about a spelling bee.

I almost placed Arachnophobia at the top because of this scene:

I remembered it being better.  But then again, I was only 15.  Oh, if you couldn’t guess, this film was about spiders.  Bunches and bunches of spiders.

PIECES OF SHIT (tie)

I like their use of yellow. It reminds me of urine.

If you stop and think about it, I paid to see not only a Jerry O’Connell vehicle, but a David Arquette one, too.  What was I thinking?

Tomcats was about a group of friends that were in an eternal struggle to be the last bachelor (to win a wager); Ready to Rumble is about two wrestling fans that try to help their favorite wrestler regain his championship title.  Sure, neither of their ideas are as obviously dumb as the previous two, but… I’m mostly embarrassed I saw these Pieces of Shit at the theater, hence their inclusion here.

A COMPLETE TURD

They should have tried to steal the University of Phoenix.

Jason Lee.  Tom Green when people knew who Tom Green was.  One of the Kids in the Hall directing.  Stealing Harvard should have stole my heart made me laugh, but instead, it stole my money.  The premise is simple: an uncle resorts to thieving to raise money for his niece’s tuition.  No comedy ensues.  This remains to be the only film I’ve ever walked out on.

JUST SHITTY

...& Boredom

Even my love for Olivia Wilde couldn’t make me like this abysmal so what? of a movie.  If you guessed that it’s about cowboys fighting aliens, you’d be right.  You’d be right about everything you’d guess.

(SIDENOTE: Dear OliviaI approve of Jason Sudeikis, at least until we meet.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… A Ranking Of Famous Sean’s

Hi, I’m Sean.  This is my blog.  This post is about other people named Sean (spelled the right way) that have done more than write a stupid little blog.  Some of them I consider The Shit; some of them are Just Shitty; most fall somewhere in between.  Here’s how they fall in my rankings:

THE SHIT

Seans Connery, Combs, and Bean

Why are these three Seans ranked so high?  Let’s see… one was Boromir in The Lord of the Rings and a James Bond villain (plus supposedly fantastic in HBO’s Game of Thrones), one was the original James Bond and Indiana Jones’ father (who has since quit Hollywood), and one is a bad boy for life.

Nuff said.

JUST SHY OF THE SHIT

Seans Penn and Astin

Sean Penn has had a hell of an interesting career and life…  He’s been fantastic as an Actor! (Mystic River, Milk) and as a director (The Crossing Guard, Into the Wild); he was married to Madonna back at the height of her career and Robin Wright back when I had a crush on her back in Toys and Forrest Gump.  So why isn’t he considered The Shit?  He also got to bang Scarlett Johansson.  Screw him.  He gets #2 on my list of #2’s.

As for Sean Astin?
Pros: The Goonies, Toy Soldiers, and The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Cons: Encino Man and Rudy.  Fuck Rudy.

NEITHER THE SHIT NOR SHITTY

Seans Hayes and Patrick Flanery

Sean Hayes played the zany comic foil to the straight (gay) man in Will and Grace well, and he started a reality TV show to find a new scripted show (which flopped); now he co-produces NBC’s Grimm and TV Land’s Hot in Cleveland, so there’s that.

Sean Patrick Flanery was one of The Boondock Saints (which is a little overrated in my opinion), and he also played Indiana Jones, so there’s that.  Neither is either.

CRAPPY

Sean Young and Big Sean

I used to really want to see Sean Young naked; now I really want to see Paget Brewster naked (she looks like the upgraded version of her… plus, I fear I’ve said too much).

As for Big Sean, do I really need to remind you of his contribution to society?

—————————————————————————————————

And now the drumroll please… what, there’s no drumroll?!

JUST SHITTY

Sean Hannity: a man of so many emotions, shirts

This smug bastard doesn’t even know how to smile like a human being!  Go ahead and do an image search!  He always looks like the turd that he is!  Why couldn’t he have spelled his name like Seann William Scott so he would have never made it on here!  I’d much rather have ranked Shawn Carter (Jay-Z) or Shaun White if their parents knew what all the parents of the people above knew–

–how to spell Sean!

A Handful Of… The Video Games That Got Away

It’s closing in on Gimme Gimme Day, and what better way to celebrate the joyous overconsumption and high-expectations of youth than to examine the video games I was never Given Given.

Here are A Handful Of… The Video Games That Got Away:

Ah, the good ol' days of 16-color EGA graphics...

Not what you’d expect to be first.  This came out back in the days of me playing the original Maniac Mansion and Zak McKracken and the Alien Mindbenders, but it was only available for Commodore 64.  I had an IBM-compatible.  To those not around at the time, that’s like wanting Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception, when all you have is the Wii.

I had a Sega Genesis, but I didn’t get the system when it was originally released with Altered Beast.  Then again, ToeJam and Earl was still released after that.  I’m not sure why I didn’t get this game.  All I know is that I wanted it.

Another nerdy PC game.  (It was available for DOS, but it looked fantastic on the Amiga.  So I wanted the Amiga.)  I didn’t even really play chess, but I guess I craved digitized violence.  Don’t be surprised if one day it’s revealed that this game paved the way for Mortal Kombat.  Speaking of kombat

This was one of the two arcade fighting games I was good at (the other was Virtua Fighter), so when it was announced that there would be a version for the Super Nintendo, I was ecstatic.  Then I realized how people must have felt when Pac-Man was finally released for the Atari 2600…  Here’s the SNES commercial:

cavern of the evil wizard

"I get to be on top!"

This game might look familiar, although its name is not.  That’ sbecause you probably saw Tom Hanks playing it in the movie Big.  Sadly, TCOTEW never existed in the real world… until now.   Try it by clicking here.

Think of it as my early Gimme Gimme present for you.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Ranking Nerd TV Producers

Nerds love nerds.  Even the candy.

But nerds also hate nerds, and no one more nerdy than a nerd can properly slam another nerd.  You know the old nerd adage:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

There’s one exception to that:

Nerds’ words hurt nerds worst.

What I plan to examine here is a gaggle of famous nerd TV (and film) producers (and writers), and do what every nerd dares to do to others, but fears to have done to them — rank them as TV producers… from The Shit To Just Shitty.

THE SHIT (EXPECTED)

Joss Whedon

WHAT HE’S DONE: Firefly… plus DollhouseBuffy, and Angel if you’re into those as well

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Screwed over his fans.  Whedon is such a fanboy nerd, he took his box office failure of a movie, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and created two long-running shows from that; he also took a failed TV show, Firefly, and wrapped up its story in a movie (Serenity)!  BONUS: Fans have a lot of faith in his upcoming film, The Avengers, because of his previous writing credits in comics (The Astonishing X-Men) and earlier screenplay efforts (in whole or in part) for Toy Story, Speed, and one of my favorites, Waterworld.

THE SHIT (UNEXPECTED)

Bryan Fuller

WHAT HE’S DONE: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Wonderfalls, Dead Like Me, Pushing Daisies

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Stayed with Heroes.  He wrote the series best episode, Company Man, which fleshed-out Horned Rim Glasses in a fantastic way that the show could never replicate, and in many ways, would even abandon.  Having characters that make sense?  Heroes would never stoop so low.

KINDA THE SHIT

Rob Thomas

WHAT HE’S DONE: Veronica Mars and Party Down

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Enough.  More please!

USED TO BE THE SHIT

You know who this is...

WHAT HE’S DONE: Amazing Stories, Tiny Toons, Animaniacs, ER, and later, Band of Brothers

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Lived up to producing anything up to the caliber those shows: Pinky and the Brain, Freakazoid, Toonsylvania, Falling Skies, and Terra Nova?  Smash and The River sound no better…

JUST SHITTY

J.J. Abrams

WHAT HE’S DONE: Felicity, LOST, What About Brian, Six Degrees, Undercovers, Person of Interest, and the upcoming Alcatraz

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Shit on me.  LOST might not have been all his fault, but the supernatural element was his suggestion.  I didn’t include Alias or Fringe because I haven’t seen them… but if you read this blog regularly (I doubt it) or know me (know one I know reads this), click here to see how I feel about LOST

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Haven’t You Saved Me / Attacked Me Before?

When I began working on this post, I honestly thought I’d be hard-pressed to find even five Actors! that starred in multiple comic book film adaptations.  What I found was quite a closed-circuit community of future Comic Con mainstays.  I’ve opted to showcase the plethora of Actors! that have played in three (!) or more characters featured in paneled ink.  The double-dippers are all after the jump.

  • Chris Evans

Johnny Storm - Lucas Lee - Jensen - Captain America

Clearly the king, Chris Evans has been in fantastic four comic adaptations: Fantastic Four, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, The Losers, and Captain America: The First Avenger.

  • Ryan Reynolds

Hannibal King - Deadpool - Green Lantern

As Hannibal King, Ryan Reynolds did not belong in Blade: Trinity, even though King was in the Blade comic books.  It’s just that Blade: Trinity didn’t need to be.  Strike two came in the form of Deadpool in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.  Wade Wilson, the merc with the mouth, without a mouth?!  And though the studios were underwhelmed by Green Lantern’s opening weekend box office performance, I didn’t think it was too bad.  I guess you could say that it’s his first superhero film without a colon that didn’t suck ass.

  • Michael Fassbender

Stelios - Burke - Magneto

Surprise, surprise, surprise.  I didn’t realize Michael Fassbender wasn’t a comic book rookie in X-Men: First Class.  He was also in 300 and Jonah Hex.  Also, he was the guy that held up the wrong fingers in that underground bar in Inglourious Basterds.  That scene still beats Magneto facing retired Nazis, but it’s not far off.

  • Scarlett Johansson

Rebecca - Silken Floss - Black Widow

It’s about time to get a lady on the list, and who better than the former Mrs. Reynolds.  Prior to being in Iron Man 2, she was in Ghost World and The Spirit.  Yes, both of those were comics.

  • Bruce Willis

John Hartigan - Tom Greer - Frank Moses

He’s played an aging cop in Sin City, a FBI agent in Surrogates, and a retired CIA agent in RED.  I dare you to call him old.

  • Morgan Freeman

Lucius Fox - Sloan - Joe

Batman Begins and The Dark Knight are fantastic, and he played his part well (everything after God is a cinch).  I probably shouldn’t have included Sloan, his character in Wanted, because he wasn’t in the comic book, but eh.  Oh yeah… he was also in RED.

  • John Malkovich

Professor Sandiford - Quentin Turnbull - Marvin Boggs

You probably didn’t see Art School Confidential (neither did I), but it was a graphic novel.  Actually, you probably didn’t see Jonah Hex either.  RED, you probably seen.  And not only on this list twice before.

  • Tommy Lee Jones

Two-Face - Agent K - Colonel Chester Phillips

I tried to forget Batman Forever, but as the title suggests, it’s forever in my head.  Maybe I need one of those neuralizers, like in Men in Black 1 & 2, or perhaps some super-soldier serum, like in Captain America: The First Avenger.

  • Michael Clarke Duncan

The Kingpin - Manute - Kilowog

Daredevil, Sin City, and Green Mile Lantern comprise Duncan’s resume.  People complained about him playing The Kingpin before Daredevil came out; people complained about Daredevil after it came out.

  • Brandon Routh

Superman - Todd Ingram - Dylan Dog

I thought Routh did a great job filling in Christopher Reeves’ iconic red boots, which sounds weird to say, but he did.  He was a good choice.  Too bad Superman Returns’ director, Bryan Singer, made some other strange decisions like giving Supes a kid and having him throw a Kryptonite island into space.  So there won’t be a sequel to that version, but at least he wasn’t typecast.  He was great as super-vegan Todd Ingram in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, and even though Dylan Dog: Dead of Night was an Italian comic book, I still count it.

  • Jeffrey Dean Morgan

The Comedian - Clay - Jeb Turnbull

You might not know Morgan by name, but you likely know him by gravelly voice (or when I’ve written about him before).  He played a great psychotic hero in Watchmen, the cool as a cucumber leader in The Losers, and based upon the limited images online, a very small role (yup, he dies) in Jonah Hex, which again, I haven’t seen.

  • Jaime King

Jade - Wendy - Lorelei Rox

The only other lady on the triples list, King could be King Chris Evans’ queen because she technically played two characters in one movie.  She was Jade in Bulletproof Monk, twins Goldie and Wendy in Sin City, and Lorelei Rox in The Spirit.

This concludes this portion of the show, although I should hand out two special awards.

The Un-S.H.I.E.L.D.ed Eye Award goes to:

Colonel Nick Fury

You see this guy everywhere… well, at least in the Marvel Studio produced films.  He’s been in Iron Man 1 & 2, The Incredible Hulk, and Thor.  He’s somehow in Captain America: The First Avenger, and he will definitely be in The Avengers next summer.  He’s signed on to be in at least nine movies, giving him a decent list, but the patch catch is this: he’s always Nick Fury.  But I almost forgot… he was also in The Spirit as this guy that loves eight of everything:

The Octopus

(SIDENOTE: Clark Gregg’s Agent Coulson appears in all the Marvel films too, but alas, he is not in any comic books.)

The Hitchcock Walk-On Award goes to:

  • Stan Lee

(Who else would it have been?)

Twenty-two more double-dippers can be found by clicking here —->

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(Way More Than) A Handful Of… Songs About Months

Hey! September and December are the rhymiest months! (November is too, I guess.)

There have been many songs about various months, but did you know that there is one month that never had a song about it?  Which month has the most?  Which month has the least (besides zero)?

You can guess; I’ll give you the answers after the jump.

(SIDENOTE: What’s weird is that I’ve heard of a lot of these artists, but never most of these songs.  What’s weirder still is the artists I hadn’t even heard of didn’t have videos on YouTube.  So if they didn’t have a video, they didn’t make my list.

Oh yeah.

That’s right.

I even looked up the videos for you to check out.  One-hundred-and-fucking-one videos.  You better check at least some of them out.) Read More