Advice Sheet

1. Always spring extra for coated paper plates.  If it’s a quarter or even a buck more, it’s worth it.  Strained ketchup water on your table or hands is not worth a quarter or a buck.  Maybe two bucks, though.

2. Never buy new shoes for a vacation.  Go with the old reliables.  They’re broken in.  They like you; you like them.  You’re not going to meet anybody you need to impress, anyway.  And if you do, use the old standby – confidence!

3. Don’t ever buy a used car for sale that someone is driving around.  This means they need the car – and the money.  You will not get a good deal on this vehicle.  Although you do know the car is in running (well enough) condition, the better deal is still the car on sale in front of the house or in a parking lot.  Just make sure you talk them down real, real cheap.  You’ll probably have to put money into those cars.

4. Don’t be nice to people you’re not attracted to – just be civil.  “Uggos” will like you if you’re too nice to them, then suddenly you’ve got an “uggo” problem.  Then you’ll have to be mean to shake off the “uggo’s” affections, and then suddenly, you’re “the asshole.”  Being civil may also include not referring to people you’re not attracted to as “uggos.”

5. Wash your hands upon entering a public restroom, before leaving it, and sometimes after if you can’t open the door with a paper towel.  People are disgusting if you take notice.  Take notice!!!  (Three exclamation points means I’m dead serious about this one.)

6. When driving, remember you’re not just driving your car – you’re driving all the cars around you.  If you don’t get this concept, you’re probably the asshole that cut me off yesterday.

7. Always let your tools do the work.  Whether it’s a screwdriver, a shovel, a handsaw, or Barry in accounting, there’s no need to force your influence to get the results you seek.  They’ll complete their task if you let them, and if they don’t, fire them.

8. Always use leverage when moving heavy objects.  If leverage isn’t an option, trick someone else to move whatever needs moving.  Back and knee pains are forever!

9. Put things back where you found them.  If you have a problem doing this, pretend you’re a ninja or a spy.  If you still can’t do this, pretend you’re a good ninja or a good spy.

(That’s it for now.  If I think of more, I’ll add them!)

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