The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… So-Called Legends

It appears to me that the word legend gets thrown around an unfair amount.  So I’m gonna throw it around some more but with some context…

THE SHIT

This is the show’s equivalent to “Walk Like an Egyptian.”

In Avatar: The Last Airbender (the TV cartoon – not the movie), we are introduced to an amazing world where gifted individuals can bend (mentally manipulate) the four elements.  But Aang’s more of a legend than Korra at this series’ start.  This show that acts as a sequel not only brought us back to this world, but also a grown up one.  We’re only one season in, and although the finale was a bit too tidy, I can’t wait for more.  This desire to go back is the only thing that trumps what I deeply considered deeming The Shit, and instead opted to rank as…

NUMBER TWO

Look how fast they grow up. And different.

The only legend you need to know about Zelda is that she’s an easy kidnap.  The original game was incredible; I could never beat Zelda II: The Adventures of Link.  A Link to the Past was my next victory… and my last.  I’ve purchased virtually all the games in this series, but even though I play them like crazy when I first get them, I’ve yet to finish another.  I don’t even look forward to them half as much anymore.  I did get close to finishing Twilight Princess… but I just stopped.

BIRD TURD

“Who wants their ass kicked? That’s right… I said who!?”

Owls.  In.  Armor.  ‘Nuff said.

UNDEAD CRAP

“Here’s a little story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down.”

This Will Smith cash grab probably would have got a higher ranking from me if the they would have done one of two things:

  1. Not use CGI zombie/vampire/whatevers
  2. Kept the original ending where his character makes amends with the main CGI zombie/vampire/whatever

WHAT IS THIS SHIT?

It looks passable… and I don’t mean in the bowels sense.

This TV show is only so low because I know little about it.  I know I’ve heard good things about it, but I also know it was cancelled before its time, so to invest any time in catching up on it would be a waste of, um, time.  What they were seeking, I may never know, but if it ever gets picked up again, who knows?  Maybe I’ll seek out the DVD’s.

DINGLEBERRY CENTRAL

“No, this is not about Xenu.”

I haven’t seen this film in forever, and as much as seeing young Mia Sara could tempt me, seeing young Tom Cruise or the weird shirtless (even if it’s a prosthetic) Tim Curry does not.

80’S POOP

I hate to admit this, but the kid is my son.

The plot of this film sounds atrocious, and you can read it by clicking here.  Or you can just read the summary of Billie Jean’s legend:

…[she’s] a symbol of youth empowerment and the evidence of the injustices adults are capable of…

Boo hoo.

JUST SHITTY

Matt Damon: “Are the cameras still on us?” Will Smith: “What cameras?”

Sorry that you made it on here twice, Will Smith.  Nothing against you, but this golf flick (first mistake!) is not good.  In fact, the only good thing it has going for it is that it probably ushered in the end of the magical negro trope.  Well, maybe this quote by Matt Damon’s character, too:

You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn’t much matter ‘cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That’s ok, that’s ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.

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