The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… I Choose “Death By Bus!”

I recently saw this commercial, and it gave me pause…

“Is this the new record scratch?” I wondered.

This meaning suddenly hit by bus.

So I started thinking about where this trend began, and I think I can link it back to The Hit that I think is The Shit.

THE SHIT
MEET JOE BLACK (1998)

Sure, it’s not a bus, but it was shocking – and eventually entertaining?  Most of all, it was first.

THE PINCHLINE
MEAN GIRLS (2004)
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (2008)
GHOST TOWN (2008)

These accidents are used for comedic effect.  What the fuck is wrong with us America?  (See the Ghost Town clip in the montage below.)

THE PLOP DEVICE
STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006)

LOST (2007)

Dramatic tension is high, and these scenes drive the plot, so… why couldn’t the Will Ferrell hit been less real and more ha-ha?

THE FART NOISE (IT’S SO OBVIOUS)
FINAL DESTINATION (2000)

“Woh-woh…” *wet trombone fart noise*

THE TURD VERSION OF THE PLOP DEVICE
FELICITY (1999)
NIP/TUCK (2006)

These really aren’t that interesting, so check out the montage below.

JUST SHITTY
BUBBLE BOY (2001)

Hey look!  Zack Galifianakis!  Just don’t look at the rest of it.

PHANTOM POOPERS
CONTAGION (2011)
DEXTER (2012)

These are too new to be found anywhere, butt they’d probably fall under PLOP DEVICE since one had a contagious kid get smashed and the other had a serial killer get smashed.  I’ll let you guess which one each belonged to.

MONTAGES (there has to be a pun in there somewhere…)

Got it!  MOONTAGES!

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The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Higher The Number – The Lamer The Song

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s this: lists are easy.  So today – a list!  Butt it’s a special kind of list.  Today I shall rank songs according to the number they chose to focus on.  I say, the higher the number – the lamer the song.  For our first turtle head poking out:

THE SHIT

  • The Proclaimers’ I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)

This song isn’t the worst on the list, so that makes it best, or The Shit, by comparison.  Think of this song as the elusive “No-Wiper” we hope for after our morning coffees and Mountain Dews.

THE TURD EYE BLIND

  • Vanessa Carlton’s A Thousand Miles

Ms. Carleton supposedly dated the lead singer of Third Eye Blind, but not before releasing this turd.  Lucky for The Proclaimers, it took twice the walking distance to turn Stephan Jenkins on.

THE BROWN NOTE

  • 525,600 Minutes from Rent

I enjoy the South Park reference much more than my original ranking title – THE MUSICAL FRUIT.  I was of course making a pun out beans and Rent being a musical!  Nothing else!

THE JAR OF FARTS

  • Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years

I ranked time frames above distance because 1000 years is a hell of a lot more to deal with than 1000 miles!  Fart!

JUST SHITTY

  • Jason Mraz’s 93 Million Miles

Ah yes, the inspiration for this list.  Singing about the sun is so laaaaame.  Unless you’re The Beatles.  Then it’s okay.  So stick this one where the, um, sun don’t shine!

THE DOOKIE ANOMOLY

  • Green Day’s 2000 Light Years Away

This song kinds of falls into the camp of how some geniuses are such geniuses they tip over the edge and become stupid (is that a thing?)… Well, this distance is so far that the lameness resets to zero.

(SIDENOTE: Okay, the higher number/lameness factor only works when song titles involve measurements of time and distance.  Otherwise,

Nena’s 99 Luftballons and

U2’s One would prove the converse.  Simply put – all songs with numbers suck.  Except 2000 Light Years Away, ‘natch.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Throwing Things At The Wall And See What Sticks Edition

I don’t know where to begin with this post. Which one gets the coveted title of The Shit and which gets Just Shitty.  I guess I’ll just GoJo with my gut since that’s where it’s all made…

THE SHIT (FIGURATIVELY LITERAL)

This is a real company’s website.  I only found out about it by passing a truck bearing its logo on the freeway.  I don’t care what they make.  (I don’t know what they make.)

Butt they’re ad campaign is ASS… THE ORIGINAL, and I couldn’t ass-k for more (check it out here):

Mind, meet gutter. Ass, meet end of arm tooling.

THE SHIT (LITERALLY FIGURATIVE)

Is this product a bad idea?  Or worse yet, is it a great idea?

The GoJo Hands Free seems like something out of the past.  But in this case, the past is only like three years ago…

JUST SHITTY

Speaking of (more than three) years ago, aren’t these songs horribly dated?  I didn’t like them then, so I definitely don’t like them now:

  • Sugar’s Helpless
  • Dinosaur Jr’s Feel the Pain

(SIDENOTE: Perhaps I don’t hate them as much as I thought if I chose to remember to write about how much I hate them.  That’s tantamount to writing a letter to Santa Claus to tell him you don’t believe in him.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… So-Called Legends

It appears to me that the word legend gets thrown around an unfair amount.  So I’m gonna throw it around some more but with some context…

THE SHIT

This is the show’s equivalent to “Walk Like an Egyptian.”

In Avatar: The Last Airbender (the TV cartoon – not the movie), we are introduced to an amazing world where gifted individuals can bend (mentally manipulate) the four elements.  But Aang’s more of a legend than Korra at this series’ start.  This show that acts as a sequel not only brought us back to this world, but also a grown up one.  We’re only one season in, and although the finale was a bit too tidy, I can’t wait for more.  This desire to go back is the only thing that trumps what I deeply considered deeming The Shit, and instead opted to rank as…

NUMBER TWO

Look how fast they grow up. And different.

The only legend you need to know about Zelda is that she’s an easy kidnap.  The original game was incredible; I could never beat Zelda II: The Adventures of Link.  A Link to the Past was my next victory… and my last.  I’ve purchased virtually all the games in this series, but even though I play them like crazy when I first get them, I’ve yet to finish another.  I don’t even look forward to them half as much anymore.  I did get close to finishing Twilight Princess… but I just stopped.

BIRD TURD

“Who wants their ass kicked? That’s right… I said who!?”

Owls.  In.  Armor.  ‘Nuff said.

UNDEAD CRAP

“Here’s a little story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down.”

This Will Smith cash grab probably would have got a higher ranking from me if the they would have done one of two things:

  1. Not use CGI zombie/vampire/whatevers
  2. Kept the original ending where his character makes amends with the main CGI zombie/vampire/whatever

WHAT IS THIS SHIT?

It looks passable… and I don’t mean in the bowels sense.

This TV show is only so low because I know little about it.  I know I’ve heard good things about it, but I also know it was cancelled before its time, so to invest any time in catching up on it would be a waste of, um, time.  What they were seeking, I may never know, but if it ever gets picked up again, who knows?  Maybe I’ll seek out the DVD’s.

DINGLEBERRY CENTRAL

“No, this is not about Xenu.”

I haven’t seen this film in forever, and as much as seeing young Mia Sara could tempt me, seeing young Tom Cruise or the weird shirtless (even if it’s a prosthetic) Tim Curry does not.

80’S POOP

I hate to admit this, but the kid is my son.

The plot of this film sounds atrocious, and you can read it by clicking here.  Or you can just read the summary of Billie Jean’s legend:

…[she’s] a symbol of youth empowerment and the evidence of the injustices adults are capable of…

Boo hoo.

JUST SHITTY

Matt Damon: “Are the cameras still on us?” Will Smith: “What cameras?”

Sorry that you made it on here twice, Will Smith.  Nothing against you, but this golf flick (first mistake!) is not good.  In fact, the only good thing it has going for it is that it probably ushered in the end of the magical negro trope.  Well, maybe this quote by Matt Damon’s character, too:

You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn’t much matter ‘cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That’s ok, that’s ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–… Songs About The Number One

ALTERNATE TITLE: Just #2-y To The #2

Where do I began to express my love of the number one?

  1. It’s always first.
  2. It’s the least of anything you can have.
  3. It’s the exact amount of people I care about in this world.
  4. I am always looking out for it.

With that having been said, here’s how I rank various musicians takes on the number that goes best with the letter A:

  • JUST SHITTY – METALLICA’S ONE

Metallica sucks except for one song, and mostly because of Lars Ulrich’s battle against Napster.

  • BIG POO – FAT JOE’S ONE, FEATURING AKON

Fat Joe’s normally tolerable, but by involving scumbag Akon, this song drops like a deuce.

I should like more songs by U2, but there’s an air of pretension in their music.  Or is that just gas?

  • ROYAL TURD – ELTON JOHN’S THE ONE

This was released during Sir Elton John’s renaissance years (the 90’s), and since he’s a respected musician (except for those stupid Pepsi commercials with that chick who won X-Factor that no one knows), you knew he’d doo-doo well.

  • DISCO CACA – BEE GEE’S ONE

Another renaissance song from renowned musicians.  I’m doing my best to not use diarrhea in some pun.

  • #2 – NELLY’S #1

Nelly’s had a fair share of shits, but they’ve been hits and misses when it comes to me.  This one hits.

  • TIM AND ERIC’S I SIT DOWN WHEN I PEE

*bows*
(exits stage left)

The Sh– To Just Meh… Let’s Ask A Hipster Edition

Hipster is a dirty word

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t get what being a hipster really is.  That having been said, I’m going to extrapolate their reactions to a current trend I see.

To begin, let’s imagine that Rivers Cuomo of Weezer is Patient Zero in this analysis.  When Weezer hit the mainstream lamestream (that’s lame) mainstream with Undone (The Sweater Song), people noticed because it had a distinctive voice and sound.  Their follow-up, Buddy Holly, was much more accessible and — normal.

So here are some newer artists with their first releases and their follow-ups, and we’ll gauge the responses from hipsters.

  • AWOLNATION’s Sail
  • AWOLNATION’s Not Your Fault

What do you think about that, hipster?

"Get out of my way!"

  • Foster the People’s Pumped Up Kicks
  • Foster the People’s Helena Beat

What do you think about that, hipster?

"Have you seen my friend? He's around here somewhere."

  • Gotye’s Somebody That I Used to Know
  • Gotye’s Eyes Wide Open

What do you think about that, hipster?

"..."