If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s this: lists are easy. So today – a list! Butt it’s a special kind of list. Today I shall rank songs according to the number they chose to focus on. I say, the higher the number – the lamer the song. For our first turtle head poking out:
THE SHIT
- The Proclaimers’ I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)
This song isn’t the worst on the list, so that makes it best, or The Shit, by comparison. Think of this song as the elusive “No-Wiper” we hope for after our morning coffees and Mountain Dews.
THE TURD EYE BLIND
- Vanessa Carlton’s A Thousand Miles
Ms. Carleton supposedly dated the lead singer of Third Eye Blind, but not before releasing this turd. Lucky for The Proclaimers, it took twice the walking distance to turn Stephan Jenkins on.
THE BROWN NOTE
- 525,600 Minutes from Rent
I enjoy the South Park reference much more than my original ranking title – THE MUSICAL FRUIT. I was of course making a pun out beans and Rent being a musical! Nothing else!
THE JAR OF FARTS
- Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years
I ranked time frames above distance because 1000 years is a hell of a lot more to deal with than 1000 miles! Fart!
JUST SHITTY
- Jason Mraz’s 93 Million Miles
Ah yes, the inspiration for this list. Singing about the sun is so laaaaame. Unless you’re The Beatles. Then it’s okay. So stick this one where the, um, sun don’t shine!
THE DOOKIE ANOMOLY
- Green Day’s 2000 Light Years Away
This song kinds of falls into the camp of how some geniuses are such geniuses they tip over the edge and become stupid (is that a thing?)… Well, this distance is so far that the lameness resets to zero.
(SIDENOTE: Okay, the higher number/lameness factor only works when song titles involve measurements of time and distance. Otherwise,
U2’s One would prove the converse. Simply put – all songs with numbers suck. Except 2000 Light Years Away, ‘natch.)
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