If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s this: lists are easy. So today – a list! But
t it’s a special kind of list. Today I shall rank songs according to the number they chose to focus on. I say, the higher the number – the lamer the song. For our first turtle head poking out:
- The Proclaimers’ I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)
This song isn’t the worst on the list, so that makes it best, or The Shit, by comparison. Think of this song as the elusive “No-Wiper” we hope for after our morning coffees and Mountain Dews.
THE TURD EYE BLIND
- Vanessa Carlton’s A Thousand Miles
Ms. Carleton supposedly dated the lead singer of Third Eye Blind, but not before releasing this turd. Lucky for The Proclaimers, it took twice the walking distance to turn Stephan Jenkins on.
THE BROWN NOTE
- 525,600 Minutes from Rent
I enjoy the South Park reference much more than my original ranking title – THE MUSICAL FRUIT. I was of course making a pun out beans and Rent being a musical! Nothing else!
THE JAR OF FARTS
- Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years
I ranked time frames above distance because 1000 years is a hell of a lot more to deal with than 1000 miles! Fart!
- Jason Mraz’s 93 Million Miles
Ah yes, the inspiration for this list. Singing about the sun is so laaaaame. Unless you’re The Beatles. Then it’s okay. So stick this one where the, um, sun don’t shine!
THE DOOKIE ANOMOLY
- Green Day’s 2000 Light Years Away
This song kinds of falls into the camp of how some geniuses are such geniuses they tip over the edge and become stupid (is that a thing?)… Well, this distance is so far that the lameness resets to zero.
(SIDENOTE: Okay, the higher number/lameness factor only works when song titles involve measurements of time and distance. Otherwise,
Nena’s 99 Luftballons and
U2’s One would prove the converse. Simply put – all songs with numbers suck. Except 2000 Light Years Away, ‘natch.)
My cousin Steve sent me an email a while back in which he told me to watch a certain video. He didn’t provide any context, or drinking game rules. It was Joe Nichols’ If Nobody Believed In You. Check it out for yourself:
So as I watched, I wondered what my cousin was trying to showcase. The creepy guy watching a kid’s ballgame all alone? The creepy guy staring down a downtrodden old man? Was Heath Ledger pulling off a Tupac/Makaveli life-after-death reinvention?
Then I realized what he was trying to tell me – this song and video were lame.
A few other songs have popped back into my life lately that are just as – if not more – lame. And I listen to a bunch of lame music as it is. But instead of the sappy and maudlin I’d usually reserve for the designation lame, these are sort of well-written sappy and maudlin lame songs.
For some reason, my boss/friend Paul started singing this around the office, and dammit if it didn’t get stuck in my head. He does this to me often since I’m very susceptible to earworms. But this song is flat-out awful, despite lyrics like this:
They say misery
We could start a company
And make misery
- Heart – All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You
This I heard on the way to school. (Yes, I’m back in
school continuing education.) I knew it better than I cared to remember. Sample lyrics belted quite believably by Ann Wilson:
I said, here is the flower, here is the seed
We walked in the garden, we planted a tree
Now, don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there
- Debby Boone – You Light Up My Life
This seems like an easy one to pick on, but it was just featured in an episode of Raising Hope. This is probably the queen of lame songs, and the list could go on and on from everything that followed this light-ning rod of goody-two-shoes-ness (as opposed to goody-three-shoes?)…
You know the lyrics: