Nicole Kidman is the only one getting the look right. Or is she?
No one will ever argue that Hollywood is full of weirdos. No one would ever argue that it’s chock full of weird ideas, either. But pseudo-sentimental malarkey in the guise of an ancient religious philosophy? That’s another story (or three), and it makes up this Unofficial Trilogy.
This is the classic story of Dad dies, Dad comes back as a dog, Dead Dad Dog escapes a dog pound then lives with a homeless woman then flees a testing lab then finds his old family then comes to terms with being a dog then lives the rest of his life on the road on his own. Really.
Does that snowman in the above picture look like Michael Keaton? Of course not! Because George Clooney was originally slated to star in this clunker. Wannabe rock star dad Keaton misses his son’s hockey game to chase his dream, and full of guilt, he tries to return home to take his family to their cabin. In a
shocking! twist of fate, he dies trying to make it back. Blah-blah-blah he returns a year later as a snowman! The harmonica was magical! His son’s bully becomes his son’s best friend because neither of them had dads! Keaton’s character’s band’s name (that’s a lot of s‘s) was “The Jack Frost Band.” Really.
At least this film set out to be creepy and awkward. And its ending is ambiguous. It’s definitely the most intriguing of the three in this Unofficial Trilogy. That is if you’re into the Dead Husband is Now a Ten Year-Old Child So You Take a Bath Together genre of filmmaking. Really.
Perturbs isn’t a word I use often, so thanks Atlas Genius. This song up for examination is called Trojans, and it’s built around this hook:
Your trojan’s in my head.
What the fuck does that mean exactly? This video offers little help other than the lyrics:
Are these self-proclaimed world-holding exceptional intellects (or are they really good at reading maps?) trying to say that someone has put a Trojan Horse in his head? Or is it something else?
“Your Trojan Horse is in my head…”
“Your Trojan Warrior is in my head…”
“Your Trojan Condom is in my head…”
As a brand new uncle to a brand new nephew, I cannot approve of this nutty toy line:
Perhaps my mind is too far in the gutter
balls. What a bunch of junk.
This 42″ tall playset gets a definite YES! from me.
There are plenty of geeky things to get to today. So let’s start with the big one.
J.J. Abrams has been confirmed as the director of Star Wars Episode VII. Be ready for fanboy battles to reach all new levels. Can the director of Star Trek pull off the switch? Considering he was raised suckling the hairy teat of George Lucas, I wouldn’t worry. Plus, this might pave the way for Joss Whedon directing Episode VIII. (No logic for that statement… only hope and speculation.) The only downside – a Damon Lindelof rewrite of Lawrence Kasdan and Michael Arndt’s finished script. Fuck you, LOST!
Two of my favorite newer shows are
getting cancelled! Ben and Kate and Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23 have officially received the ax. Hopefully they receive a DVD release – I don’t think I’m ax-ing for much. At least they’re in good company. Some of my highest recommendations lasted only one or two seasons – Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies, Freaks & Geeks, Action, Profit, Undeclared, Jericho, and Firefly. (Veronica Mars, Deadwood, and Arrested Development got three.) P.S. I’m still waiting for my Sons and Daughters and Warren the Ape DVD’s!
Two cool video games I’ll buy and never play: LEGO Marvel Super Heroes and Pokémon X and/or Y!
NO! OR MAYBE YES?
Django Unchained toys came out, and that’s a baaaaaad idea. A good idea would have been buying them, though. They’re selling for upwards of $500 each (though I’m not sure what they started out at, I’m sure they were under $50). An entire set went for $6000 on eBay! Why are my feelings so conflicted right now?!
In honor of You, Me, and Dupree being quite ubiquitous this weekend on some cable channel that was on whenever I woke up (yes, it happens more than twice in two days), here is Owen Wilson’s Dupree explaining (well, not really explaining) Seven Different Kinds of Smoke:
But here it is in action:
(SIDENOTE: I don’t know what this movie is about, since I’ve never seen anything but these parts. But as for these parts – they’re pure Dupree gold.)
(BONUS SIDENOTE: This is probably a good time to mention that I have my own Advice Sheet at the top of the page. It’s full of monkeyBLOGmonkeyDO gold, which despite how that phrasing sounds, may or may not equal poo.)
I’ve decided that I’m not finding (or looking) for funny pictures anymore, which used to constitute Worth 1002 Words. If I find one that works, I’ll post it. But you know what else is Worth 1002 Words? Some videos, like this one:
CAPTION: Value Men-Boo!
- Chicken McScaredycats
- Worry Flurry
- Big OMG
- McRibbings Return!
- Got Served
This video will speak for itself, but in case you can’t wait, let me prepare you:
Have you ever wanted to see children deal candy like it was drugs?
Have you ever wanted to see children drink ice tea out of paper bags like it was alcohol?
Have you ever wanted to see the guy that made Rebecca Black’s Friday video and song again?
You’ve been warned:
(SIDENOTE: Tweenchronic most definitely refers to marijuana, right? Well, at least somebody spray paints over “Bieber Fever”…)
If you’re unfamiliar with the almost award-winning fourth-most-popular folk duo in New Zealand, Flight of the Conchords, then shame on you. Or should I say lucky you because then here’s your first taste:
Here are the lyrics if you want to print them and sing (?) along:
So, you’re leaving, aren’t you?
I knew it when you said just then when you told me you were leaving
That’s when I definitely knew
But if you’re trying to break my heart
Your plan is flawed from the start
You can’t break my heart, it’s liquid
It melted when I met you
And as you turn around to leave
Don’t’ turn back to me
Don’t turn around and see if I’m crying
I’m not crying
I’m not crying
It’s just been raining on my face
And if you think you see some tear tracks down my face
Please don’t tell my mates
I’m not crying
No, I’m not crying
And if I am crying
It’s not because of you
It’s because I’m thinking of a friend of mine who you don’t know who is dying
That’s right, dying
These aren’t tears of sadness because you’re leaving me
I’ve just been cutting onions
I’m making a lasagna
Oh, I’m not crying
There’s just a little bit of dust in my eye
That’s from the path that you made when you said your goodbye
I’m not weeping because you won’t be here to hold my hand
For your information there’s an inflammation in my tear gland
I’m not upset because you left me this way
My eyes are just a little sweaty today
They’ve been searching around
They’re like searching for you
They’ve been looking around
Even though I told them not to
These aren’t tears of sadness
They’re tears of joy
I’m just laughing
Ha ha ha-ha ha
Sitting at this table called love
Staring down at the irony of life
How come we’ve reached this fork in the road
And yet it cuts like a knife?
I’m not crying
I’m not crying
I’m not cry-y-y-y-
And here’s the original for comparison, I guess. Even though there’s no comparing…