2012 in Review (This Blog… Not The World)

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

19,000 people fit into the new Barclays Center to see Jay-Z perform. This blog was viewed about 160,000 times in 2012. If it were a concert at the Barclays Center, it would take about 8 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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A Handful Of… Things I Want For Christmas

Just in time for Christmas Eve, I’ve assembled a list of containing A Handful Of items I may actually want, even though I told all my loved ones not to buy me anything because I didn’t buy them anything.  Will they listen this year?  Hopefully.  But they haven’t yet, and I feel like a real dick when they do.  Unless that’s what they wanted.  Then they did get a gift from me after all!

So you can keep warm while looking cool.

So you can keep warm while looking cool.

I missed it when this Marc Ecko product had its original run, but aren’t we living in the age of the TripleDoubleU?!  Anything’s possible!  But probably not buy by tomorrow…

This game looks just like you’re playing the TV show.  Do you know how many times I’ve wished Friends would have done that?  Oh, and I should mention this – I would like the 360 pre-order version so I can get Mysterion.  So what if this doesn’t come out until next year.  I can wait.

I will not name him Tony.

I will not name him Tony.

I was just telling my brother the other day that I have three loves in this world:

  1. Robots
  2. Taco Bell
  3. Duets

The other two are kind of off-point, but this little robot would be a nice beginning for my impending robot-infested dominion.

Final words before my inevitable incarceration: "See you all later... you know, because I was secretly video taping you."

Final words before my inevitable incarceration: “See you all later… you know, because I was secretly video taping you.”

My sister actually brought these to my attention, and they haven’t left my consciousness since.  I brought up the possibility of getting these to a few friends, and one deftly responded: “Creepersville.”  My initial interest was genuine – wear this to bars to capture conversation flows or to a soccer game to get a first-person perspective of my awfulness.  But it’s there – right on the fringe of Creepersville no matter my intent.  The only other inevitable problem is that I have enough difficulty living in the moment as it is.  With these, I’ll be living in perpetual time-delay.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Umbrella Corporation Is For Real

Nothing like a little Regenerate to improve your complexion.

Nothing like a little Regenerate to improve your complexion.

If you’re unaware of the Umbrella Corporation, here’s a sampling of one of their products:

In reality, it’s a youth-restoring product invented for  a movie/video game series involving zombies.  Or is it?

A little Regeneration, I mean, Meaningful Beauty goes a long way.

A little Regeneration, I mean, Meaningful Beauty goes a long way.

If it’s not that shit stuff, then how about this stuff shit?

Why does Justin Bieber have a perfume?

Why does Justin Bieber have a perfume?

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Can’t Believe Billy Joel Sang About That

These monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK entries are examples of posts I might have written in the past had there been any technology other than corded remote controls, microfiche, and record players available.  This one is about a Billy Joel song I’ve only recently heard for the first time that deals with the topic of phone sex, a.k.a. not mastering your domain.

I also need add the fact that I was a good Catholic kid.  As proof of my lunacy reverence, I remember listening to Beck’s Odelay! on my Walkman for the first time, and literally throwing the headphones off because I thought it was devil music.

It’s not like my parents were super-religious or anything either… although I do remember my dad not being too happy with Olivia Newton-John’s Physical and Huey Lewis and the News’ I Want a New Drug.  But that was just a father looking out for his kid.  It’s not like any parents let their offspring listen to artists like Nicki Minaj or Flo Rida these days…

I’m a huge fan of Billy Joel.  I grew up listening to An Innocent Man on LP, and his greatest hits collection on cassette.  Can you imagine my surprise when I heard a new old song by him playing overhead at Kmart?  I figured out it’s called Sometimes a Fantasy, and it goes a bit something like this:

While at Kmart, I looked through all the cassettes trying to find which album it was on.  I finally figured out it was on Glass Houses which came out in 1980.  That’s the record You May Be Right, Don’t Ask Me Why, and It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me were all on.  I asked my mom if I could get it, but she said I already had enough of those songs on the greatest hits collection.  It would be like throwing money away.  I begged and begged, and finally she let me get it.

As soon as I got home, I ripped open the plastic, cracked open the cassette, and popped the tape in my boombox.  I was going to fast forward past You May Be Right, but I waited through it.  I listened to it once, then rewound it to get the lyrics.  I paused it after every line so I could write it down.  And you know what it was about?

Using your imagination!  I play by myself all the time using my imagination, and now my favorite musician has sung a song about it!  What a great day!  May 13, 2002 will live on in history!

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

In My Brain While Sleeping… Celebrity Wake Up Call!

I looked up wake up call. This picture of Charlize Theron was on it. I used it. Welcome to my train of thought.

I Googled wake up call. This picture of Charlize Theron showed up as a result. I used it. Welcome to my train of thought.

I know Thanksgiving is far behind us, but I wasn’t writing this blog actively then, so I need to say this now: I’m thankful for my job.  Now, I could be big about it, and be thankful mostly that I have a job, but let me be small.  I’m thankful for my job because I pretty much start whenever I want (I try to be there before 10am), and I can find time to work on this – my master-of-stolen-minutes-work.

That having been said, sometimes I do have to be responsible and wake up early.  On occasion, I’ve even had to be at a client by 7am!  The night of this dream, that was the case.

So in this dream, there was a study that was conducted, and I was privy to the results.  The study’s tagline:

Who has the most recognizable voice in the world?

I’ll save the results for after the jump…  Read More

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Higher The Number – The Lamer The Song

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s this: lists are easy.  So today – a list!  Butt it’s a special kind of list.  Today I shall rank songs according to the number they chose to focus on.  I say, the higher the number – the lamer the song.  For our first turtle head poking out:

THE SHIT

  • The Proclaimers’ I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)

This song isn’t the worst on the list, so that makes it best, or The Shit, by comparison.  Think of this song as the elusive “No-Wiper” we hope for after our morning coffees and Mountain Dews.

THE TURD EYE BLIND

  • Vanessa Carlton’s A Thousand Miles

Ms. Carleton supposedly dated the lead singer of Third Eye Blind, but not before releasing this turd.  Lucky for The Proclaimers, it took twice the walking distance to turn Stephan Jenkins on.

THE BROWN NOTE

  • 525,600 Minutes from Rent

I enjoy the South Park reference much more than my original ranking title – THE MUSICAL FRUIT.  I was of course making a pun out beans and Rent being a musical!  Nothing else!

THE JAR OF FARTS

  • Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years

I ranked time frames above distance because 1000 years is a hell of a lot more to deal with than 1000 miles!  Fart!

JUST SHITTY

  • Jason Mraz’s 93 Million Miles

Ah yes, the inspiration for this list.  Singing about the sun is so laaaaame.  Unless you’re The Beatles.  Then it’s okay.  So stick this one where the, um, sun don’t shine!

THE DOOKIE ANOMOLY

  • Green Day’s 2000 Light Years Away

This song kinds of falls into the camp of how some geniuses are such geniuses they tip over the edge and become stupid (is that a thing?)… Well, this distance is so far that the lameness resets to zero.

(SIDENOTE: Okay, the higher number/lameness factor only works when song titles involve measurements of time and distance.  Otherwise,

Nena’s 99 Luftballons and

U2’s One would prove the converse.  Simply put – all songs with numbers suck.  Except 2000 Light Years Away, ‘natch.)