2012 in Review (This Blog… Not The World)

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

19,000 people fit into the new Barclays Center to see Jay-Z perform. This blog was viewed about 160,000 times in 2012. If it were a concert at the Barclays Center, it would take about 8 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

A Handful Of… Things I Want For Christmas

Just in time for Christmas Eve, I’ve assembled a list of containing A Handful Of items I may actually want, even though I told all my loved ones not to buy me anything because I didn’t buy them anything.  Will they listen this year?  Hopefully.  But they haven’t yet, and I feel like a real dick when they do.  Unless that’s what they wanted.  Then they did get a gift from me after all!

So you can keep warm while looking cool.

So you can keep warm while looking cool.

I missed it when this Marc Ecko product had its original run, but aren’t we living in the age of the TripleDoubleU?!  Anything’s possible!  But probably not buy by tomorrow…

This game looks just like you’re playing the TV show.  Do you know how many times I’ve wished Friends would have done that?  Oh, and I should mention this – I would like the 360 pre-order version so I can get Mysterion.  So what if this doesn’t come out until next year.  I can wait.

I will not name him Tony.

I will not name him Tony.

I was just telling my brother the other day that I have three loves in this world:

  1. Robots
  2. Taco Bell
  3. Duets

The other two are kind of off-point, but this little robot would be a nice beginning for my impending robot-infested dominion.

Final words before my inevitable incarceration: "See you all later... you know, because I was secretly video taping you."

Final words before my inevitable incarceration: “See you all later… you know, because I was secretly video taping you.”

My sister actually brought these to my attention, and they haven’t left my consciousness since.  I brought up the possibility of getting these to a few friends, and one deftly responded: “Creepersville.”  My initial interest was genuine – wear this to bars to capture conversation flows or to a soccer game to get a first-person perspective of my awfulness.  But it’s there – right on the fringe of Creepersville no matter my intent.  The only other inevitable problem is that I have enough difficulty living in the moment as it is.  With these, I’ll be living in perpetual time-delay.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Umbrella Corporation Is For Real

Nothing like a little Regenerate to improve your complexion.

Nothing like a little Regenerate to improve your complexion.

If you’re unaware of the Umbrella Corporation, here’s a sampling of one of their products:

In reality, it’s a youth-restoring product invented for  a movie/video game series involving zombies.  Or is it?

A little Regeneration, I mean, Meaningful Beauty goes a long way.

A little Regeneration, I mean, Meaningful Beauty goes a long way.

If it’s not that shit stuff, then how about this stuff shit?

Why does Justin Bieber have a perfume?

Why does Justin Bieber have a perfume?

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Can’t Believe Billy Joel Sang About That

These monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK entries are examples of posts I might have written in the past had there been any technology other than corded remote controls, microfiche, and record players available.  This one is about a Billy Joel song I’ve only recently heard for the first time that deals with the topic of phone sex, a.k.a. not mastering your domain.

I also need add the fact that I was a good Catholic kid.  As proof of my lunacy reverence, I remember listening to Beck’s Odelay! on my Walkman for the first time, and literally throwing the headphones off because I thought it was devil music.

It’s not like my parents were super-religious or anything either… although I do remember my dad not being too happy with Olivia Newton-John’s Physical and Huey Lewis and the News’ I Want a New Drug.  But that was just a father looking out for his kid.  It’s not like any parents let their offspring listen to artists like Nicki Minaj or Flo Rida these days…

I’m a huge fan of Billy Joel.  I grew up listening to An Innocent Man on LP, and his greatest hits collection on cassette.  Can you imagine my surprise when I heard a new old song by him playing overhead at Kmart?  I figured out it’s called Sometimes a Fantasy, and it goes a bit something like this:

While at Kmart, I looked through all the cassettes trying to find which album it was on.  I finally figured out it was on Glass Houses which came out in 1980.  That’s the record You May Be Right, Don’t Ask Me Why, and It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me were all on.  I asked my mom if I could get it, but she said I already had enough of those songs on the greatest hits collection.  It would be like throwing money away.  I begged and begged, and finally she let me get it.

As soon as I got home, I ripped open the plastic, cracked open the cassette, and popped the tape in my boombox.  I was going to fast forward past You May Be Right, but I waited through it.  I listened to it once, then rewound it to get the lyrics.  I paused it after every line so I could write it down.  And you know what it was about?

Using your imagination!  I play by myself all the time using my imagination, and now my favorite musician has sung a song about it!  What a great day!  May 13, 2002 will live on in history!

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

In My Brain While Sleeping… Celebrity Wake Up Call!

I looked up wake up call. This picture of Charlize Theron was on it. I used it. Welcome to my train of thought.

I Googled wake up call. This picture of Charlize Theron showed up as a result. I used it. Welcome to my train of thought.

I know Thanksgiving is far behind us, but I wasn’t writing this blog actively then, so I need to say this now: I’m thankful for my job.  Now, I could be big about it, and be thankful mostly that I have a job, but let me be small.  I’m thankful for my job because I pretty much start whenever I want (I try to be there before 10am), and I can find time to work on this – my master-of-stolen-minutes-work.

That having been said, sometimes I do have to be responsible and wake up early.  On occasion, I’ve even had to be at a client by 7am!  The night of this dream, that was the case.

So in this dream, there was a study that was conducted, and I was privy to the results.  The study’s tagline:

Who has the most recognizable voice in the world?

I’ll save the results for after the jump…  Read More

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Higher The Number – The Lamer The Song

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s this: lists are easy.  So today – a list!  Butt it’s a special kind of list.  Today I shall rank songs according to the number they chose to focus on.  I say, the higher the number – the lamer the song.  For our first turtle head poking out:


  • The Proclaimers’ I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)

This song isn’t the worst on the list, so that makes it best, or The Shit, by comparison.  Think of this song as the elusive “No-Wiper” we hope for after our morning coffees and Mountain Dews.


  • Vanessa Carlton’s A Thousand Miles

Ms. Carleton supposedly dated the lead singer of Third Eye Blind, but not before releasing this turd.  Lucky for The Proclaimers, it took twice the walking distance to turn Stephan Jenkins on.


  • 525,600 Minutes from Rent

I enjoy the South Park reference much more than my original ranking title – THE MUSICAL FRUIT.  I was of course making a pun out beans and Rent being a musical!  Nothing else!


  • Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years

I ranked time frames above distance because 1000 years is a hell of a lot more to deal with than 1000 miles!  Fart!


  • Jason Mraz’s 93 Million Miles

Ah yes, the inspiration for this list.  Singing about the sun is so laaaaame.  Unless you’re The Beatles.  Then it’s okay.  So stick this one where the, um, sun don’t shine!


  • Green Day’s 2000 Light Years Away

This song kinds of falls into the camp of how some geniuses are such geniuses they tip over the edge and become stupid (is that a thing?)… Well, this distance is so far that the lameness resets to zero.

(SIDENOTE: Okay, the higher number/lameness factor only works when song titles involve measurements of time and distance.  Otherwise,

Nena’s 99 Luftballons and

U2’s One would prove the converse.  Simply put – all songs with numbers suck.  Except 2000 Light Years Away, ‘natch.)

Awful Battle… Out Of Ideas NBC?

Don’t ask me how it happened, but I watched the ending of Howie Mandel’s new game show, Take It All.  (And Michael Bublé’s Home for the Holidays.  No excuses for that either.  Actually, Elmo was going to be on it, and I wondered if there were going to be any tasteless puns.  I got to hand it to them – there weren’t.)

Anyhowie, the end of Take It All was a hell of a lot (and by hell of a lot, I mean exactly) like an old Game Show Network, um, game show called Friend or Foe? (hosted by the MTV VJ that vocalized keeping her the V-card, Kennedy).

Greed Or Greater Good?

Nothing like a new game show for the holidays.

Essentially, at the game’s end, both players much choose between A or B.  For Take It All, A equaled “Keep Mine” and B equaled “Take It All,” and on Friend or Foe?, A equaled “Friend” and B equaled… I can’t recall.  If both people choose A, both people win.  If both people choose B, both people lose.  If only one chooses A, they win everything.

So apparently, NBC is running with this Take It All mentality with some upcoming shows.

Deception looks a lot like ABC’s Revenge to me.

A girl infiltrates a group pretending to be someone else to get revenge... I mean deceive them.

A girl infiltrates a group pretending to be someone else to get revenge… I mean deceive them. Why? Because rich people are assholes.

Even better, NBC is ripping off their own failed projects, because Do No Harm Done seems a lot like Awake.  Did they just have a bunch of leftover scripts?  (And art department files?)

A guy is living two lives. One splits a twelve hour shift; the other waking and sleeping hours. Which for a pothead is twelve hours. Neither of these is about a pothead.

Each one is about a guy is living two lives. One splits a twelve-hour shift between his dual lives; the other splits waking and sleeping hours. Which for a pothead is twelve hours each. Neither of these is about a pothead.

Hibbidy-Wah?! How Much Bacteria Is In Us?!

Want to be grossed out?  Guess how much bacteria exists in the average human body?

The human body carries more than 100 trillion bacteria – up to five pounds of the tiny single-celled organisms.

Together, all of the bacteria in the body would be the size of a large liver, and in many ways, scientists say, the microbiome behaves as another organ in the human body.

So… the amount of bacteria in EACH OF OUR BODIES roughly equals this:

Too abstract?

Too abstract?

How about this?

Too tasty?

Too tasty?

Perchance this?

Too tempting?

Too tempting?

Maybe this will bring it home:

Too obsolete?

Too obsolete?

Yes Or No, Y’Know… Upcoming Movie Projects Edition

If this was an article produced by a robot, it would be buttons with a 1 or 0. Or would a robot use YES and NO buttons to not seem like a robot?

I’m not a robot; otherwise the buttons would be marked with 1 or 0. Or would a robot use YES and NO buttons to not seem like a robot? Negative! Abort! Abort!

Hey y’all, let’s check out my simplest feelings about some upcoming film announcements.

Kevin Smith has decided to go ahead and make Clerks III.  It’s a little sooner than his “every ten years” speculation (Clerks II was released in 2006), but he must have some good ideas about what Dante and Randall have been up to.  I’m guessing that at least one of them has started a family.  I’m hoping it doesn’t become Clerks 3D(article)

Because nobody was asking for it, Edward Woodward’s 1985 TV series, The Equalizer, is getting adapted for the big screen.  It’s basically about a one-man A-Team that equalizes situations for the underdogs… that pay him.  Denzell Washington is set to star; even better, Drive’s director Nicholas Winding Refn will helm. (article)

Why in the world would anyone want to remake Jumanji?  Sure, the special effects weren’t the greatest, but it was 1995 after all.  How about just a Special Edition re-release? (article)

I might be more excited about a Fantastic Four reboot if Disney/Marvel was in charge instead of 20th Century Fox.  Well, maybe not.  It is just the Fantastic Bore Four(article)

Didn’t see the first live-action, Johnny Depp weird-fest, Alice in Wonderland; won’t see the second live-action, Johnny Depp weird-fest, Alice in Wonderland II(article)

God has apparently changed his mind.  Ghostbusters III is a go! (article)

The Bill Murray story was a hoax! (article)