The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Crappy Commercials

How bad would it feel to go from having a great guest spot as rapper Lil’ Kev on a popular TV show like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

To having your voice over dubbed (or playing a voice actor’s body) in this TurboTax commercial:

Just Shitty, I’d imagine.  But compared to these other shittier commercials, this one is The Shit.

DUMB AS SHIT

Airborne Effervescent Tablets not only rip-off an old special effect from a 1992 movie, it contains one of the dumbest looking and sounding animated spokescharacters I’ve ever seen.  Mix that with the lawsuit Airborne faced a couple years ago regarding misleading advertising, and it wins being Dumb as Shit.  (I was going to make an inappropriate comment about the tablets not giving the woman her boobs back, but I opted not to.)

ANNOYING AS SHIT

I like the J. Geils Band, and I’m sure that Energizer Lithium Batteries work great, but the version of the music used in this ad drives me up the wall.  It butchers the hook, and keeps going and going and going…

CRAPPY AS SHIT

Happy’s Pizza is a local pizzeria (natch), and this is the commercial they ran around Halloween last year.  I’ve written about how poor their ad department is before, but this one takes the cake pizza pie.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Dumb Movie Ideas

"So what's it about?" "Well, it's a whole movie about the opening scene of Lethal Weapon. Except it's a dude. And he's clothed."

Man on a Ledge may actually be a good film, but at first glance, it seems like a dumb idea.  (Not as dumb as this idea.)

(SIDENOTE: The strangest reaction I get from the previews is that I feel like I kind of missed Sam Worthington being in a movie.  It should be noted that this is not because of Avatar or any one of the 100 other flicks he made in the last two years… it’s because of a silly video game commercial.)

This got me thinking about other dumb movies that had dumb ideas and should have never been made (again, not saying Man on a Ledge shouldn’t have been made, but really), and here I’ll rank them from The Shit to Just Shitty.  I saw every one of these in the theater.  I paid to see them.  Minimum wage pay in most cases.

(SIDENOTE: The alternative to this diatribe was about people trapped in situations and things, but I already did that once before.  So moving on…)

THE SHIT

Not about ice cream.

This film being ranked as The Shit comes out of nowhere, pretty much like a tornado.

Twister is one of those films that was made mostly because it could be made (CGI effects were getting better).  Aside from the graphics, it introduced cow as a catchphrase (effectively replacing Bart Simpsons’ famous cow quote).  There are TV shows based around storm chasers these days, so there’s something to its premise.  But then again, there are also shows about lady hoggers.

ALMOST THE SHIT

Not about a spelling bee.

I almost placed Arachnophobia at the top because of this scene:

I remembered it being better.  But then again, I was only 15.  Oh, if you couldn’t guess, this film was about spiders.  Bunches and bunches of spiders.

PIECES OF SHIT (tie)

I like their use of yellow. It reminds me of urine.

If you stop and think about it, I paid to see not only a Jerry O’Connell vehicle, but a David Arquette one, too.  What was I thinking?

Tomcats was about a group of friends that were in an eternal struggle to be the last bachelor (to win a wager); Ready to Rumble is about two wrestling fans that try to help their favorite wrestler regain his championship title.  Sure, neither of their ideas are as obviously dumb as the previous two, but… I’m mostly embarrassed I saw these Pieces of Shit at the theater, hence their inclusion here.

A COMPLETE TURD

They should have tried to steal the University of Phoenix.

Jason Lee.  Tom Green when people knew who Tom Green was.  One of the Kids in the Hall directing.  Stealing Harvard should have stole my heart made me laugh, but instead, it stole my money.  The premise is simple: an uncle resorts to thieving to raise money for his niece’s tuition.  No comedy ensues.  This remains to be the only film I’ve ever walked out on.

JUST SHITTY

...& Boredom

Even my love for Olivia Wilde couldn’t make me like this abysmal so what? of a movie.  If you guessed that it’s about cowboys fighting aliens, you’d be right.  You’d be right about everything you’d guess.

(SIDENOTE: Dear OliviaI approve of Jason Sudeikis, at least until we meet.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… A Ranking Of Famous Sean’s

Hi, I’m Sean.  This is my blog.  This post is about other people named Sean (spelled the right way) that have done more than write a stupid little blog.  Some of them I consider The Shit; some of them are Just Shitty; most fall somewhere in between.  Here’s how they fall in my rankings:

THE SHIT

Seans Connery, Combs, and Bean

Why are these three Seans ranked so high?  Let’s see… one was Boromir in The Lord of the Rings and a James Bond villain (plus supposedly fantastic in HBO’s Game of Thrones), one was the original James Bond and Indiana Jones’ father (who has since quit Hollywood), and one is a bad boy for life.

Nuff said.

JUST SHY OF THE SHIT

Seans Penn and Astin

Sean Penn has had a hell of an interesting career and life…  He’s been fantastic as an Actor! (Mystic River, Milk) and as a director (The Crossing Guard, Into the Wild); he was married to Madonna back at the height of her career and Robin Wright back when I had a crush on her back in Toys and Forrest Gump.  So why isn’t he considered The Shit?  He also got to bang Scarlett Johansson.  Screw him.  He gets #2 on my list of #2’s.

As for Sean Astin?
Pros: The Goonies, Toy Soldiers, and The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Cons: Encino Man and Rudy.  Fuck Rudy.

NEITHER THE SHIT NOR SHITTY

Seans Hayes and Patrick Flanery

Sean Hayes played the zany comic foil to the straight (gay) man in Will and Grace well, and he started a reality TV show to find a new scripted show (which flopped); now he co-produces NBC’s Grimm and TV Land’s Hot in Cleveland, so there’s that.

Sean Patrick Flanery was one of The Boondock Saints (which is a little overrated in my opinion), and he also played Indiana Jones, so there’s that.  Neither is either.

CRAPPY

Sean Young and Big Sean

I used to really want to see Sean Young naked; now I really want to see Paget Brewster naked (she looks like the upgraded version of her… plus, I fear I’ve said too much).

As for Big Sean, do I really need to remind you of his contribution to society?

—————————————————————————————————

And now the drumroll please… what, there’s no drumroll?!

JUST SHITTY

Sean Hannity: a man of so many emotions, shirts

This smug bastard doesn’t even know how to smile like a human being!  Go ahead and do an image search!  He always looks like the turd that he is!  Why couldn’t he have spelled his name like Seann William Scott so he would have never made it on here!  I’d much rather have ranked Shawn Carter (Jay-Z) or Shaun White if their parents knew what all the parents of the people above knew–

–how to spell Sean!

The Sh– To Super Sh–ty… Britney Spears

We knew this already.  It’s been a long steady fall from Britney Spears being The Shit

A babe in the woods.

…to her more current state of Super Shitty.  I recently saw this video for her 2009 song, Radar, for the first time (I initially thought it was brand new), and was horrified by the horrible extent of its horribleness (the song and the video and the lack of a thesaurus in the writing of this sentence):

It’s good to see at the very least she’s still doing her stupid tongue thing:

(SIDENOTE: It’s not really stupid that thing she does with her tongue.  I bet that’s what’s kept her career alive.  And her big eyes.  Yeah, her big eyes.  And her nice tight smile.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Ranking Nerd TV Producers

Nerds love nerds.  Even the candy.

But nerds also hate nerds, and no one more nerdy than a nerd can properly slam another nerd.  You know the old nerd adage:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

There’s one exception to that:

Nerds’ words hurt nerds worst.

What I plan to examine here is a gaggle of famous nerd TV (and film) producers (and writers), and do what every nerd dares to do to others, but fears to have done to them — rank them as TV producers… from The Shit To Just Shitty.

THE SHIT (EXPECTED)

Joss Whedon

WHAT HE’S DONE: Firefly… plus DollhouseBuffy, and Angel if you’re into those as well

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Screwed over his fans.  Whedon is such a fanboy nerd, he took his box office failure of a movie, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and created two long-running shows from that; he also took a failed TV show, Firefly, and wrapped up its story in a movie (Serenity)!  BONUS: Fans have a lot of faith in his upcoming film, The Avengers, because of his previous writing credits in comics (The Astonishing X-Men) and earlier screenplay efforts (in whole or in part) for Toy Story, Speed, and one of my favorites, Waterworld.

THE SHIT (UNEXPECTED)

Bryan Fuller

WHAT HE’S DONE: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Wonderfalls, Dead Like Me, Pushing Daisies

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Stayed with Heroes.  He wrote the series best episode, Company Man, which fleshed-out Horned Rim Glasses in a fantastic way that the show could never replicate, and in many ways, would even abandon.  Having characters that make sense?  Heroes would never stoop so low.

KINDA THE SHIT

Rob Thomas

WHAT HE’S DONE: Veronica Mars and Party Down

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Enough.  More please!

USED TO BE THE SHIT

You know who this is...

WHAT HE’S DONE: Amazing Stories, Tiny Toons, Animaniacs, ER, and later, Band of Brothers

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Lived up to producing anything up to the caliber those shows: Pinky and the Brain, Freakazoid, Toonsylvania, Falling Skies, and Terra Nova?  Smash and The River sound no better…

JUST SHITTY

J.J. Abrams

WHAT HE’S DONE: Felicity, LOST, What About Brian, Six Degrees, Undercovers, Person of Interest, and the upcoming Alcatraz

WHAT HE HASN’T DONE: Shit on me.  LOST might not have been all his fault, but the supernatural element was his suggestion.  I didn’t include Alias or Fringe because I haven’t seen them… but if you read this blog regularly (I doubt it) or know me (know one I know reads this), click here to see how I feel about LOST

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–… Now That’s A Housewives Show!

I do not/will not watch any of the Real Housewives’ shows.  It’s not just because I don’t know where Bravo is on my cable (isn’t in syndication now anyway?), and it’s not because I’m some loyal fan of the show it was “inspired” by, ABC’s Desperate Housewives.  It’s merely because it’s not my cup of T & A, where the T is for terrible and the A is for annoying.

But my brother presented an idea which isn’t far from the reality of what these “Real” scenarios are:

The UnReal Housewives of _________

Allow me to fill in some of the casting blanks:

The UnReal Housewives of Detroit

Starring:

  • Jackée Harry as Lisa Landry on Sister, Sister
  • Katey Sagal as Cate Hennessy on 8 Simple Rules
  • Patricia Richardson as Jill Taylor on Home Improvement
  • Tisha Campbell as  Gina Waters-Payne on Martin

The UnReal Housewives of Chicago

Starring:

  • Courtney Thorne-Smith as Cheryl on According to Jim
  • Suzanne Pleshette as Emily Hartley on The Bob Newhart Show
  • JoMarie Payton as Harriet Winslow on Family Matters
  • Katey Sagal as Peg Bundy on Married… with Children
  • Roseanne as Roseanne Conner on Roseanne
  • Susan Clark as Katherine “Ma’am” Papadapolis on Webster

The UnReal Housewives of New York

Starring:

  • Jean Stapleton as Edith Bunker on All in the Family
  • Phylicia Rashad as Clair Huxtable on The Cosby Show
  • Tichina Arnold as Rochelle on Everybody Hates Chris
  • Doris Roberts as Marie Barone on Everybody Loves Raymond
  • Megyn Price as Claudia Finnerty on Grounded for Life
  • Alyson Hannigan as Lily Aldrin on How I Met Your Mother
  • Joanna Kerns as Maggie Seaver on Growing Pains
  • Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden on The Honeymooners
  • Lucille Ball as Lucy Ricardo on I Love Lucy
  • Isabel Sanford as Louise Jefferson on The Jeffersons
  • Leah Remini as Carrie Heffernan on The King of Queens
  • Helen Hunt as Jamie Buchman on Mad About You
  • Mary Tyler Moore as Laura Petrie on The Dick Van Dyke Show
  • Phylicia Rashad as Ruth Lucas on Cosby

The UnReal Housewives of Milwaukee

Starring:

  • Betty Garrett as Edna Babish De Fazio on Laverne & Shirley
  • Marion Ross as Marion Cunningham on Happy Days
  • Suzanne Somers as Carol Foster on Step By Step
  • Debra Jo Rupp as Kitty Forman on That 70’s Show

The UnReal Housewives of Los Angeles

Starring:

  • Michele Scarabelli as Susan Francisco on Alien Nation
  • Kellita Smith as Wanda McCullough on The Bernie Mac Show
  • Carol Potter as Cindy Walsh on Beverly Hills 90210
  • Florence Henderson as Carol Brady on The Brady Bunch
  • Janet Hubert-Whitten and Daphne Maxwell Reid as Vivian Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
  • Constance Marie as Angie Palmero on George Lopez
  • Cheryl Hines as Cheryl David on Curb Your Enthusiasm
  • Sofía Vergara as Gloria Delgado-Pritchett on Modern Family
  • Sheryl Lee Ralph as Deidra “Dee” Mitchell on Moesha
  • Kate Walsh as Dr. Addison Montgomery on Private Practice

The UnReal Housewives of Miami

This was way, way too much work for this punchline.  You can definitely tell Detroit was done first…

(locations via)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Girl With The Drag-On Preview

I thought this preview was The Shit:

It really spoke volumes to me.  (Probably because it is a very loud preview in the theater.)  I’ve been a longtime fan of director David Fincher, and even with his misstep that was the ingratiating The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, I had hopes that The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo could be good.

Until I saw this:

Boooooooooooorrrrrriiiinnnnnngggg…

If I wanted to read the book, I would have read the book.  This follow-up “explanatory” trailer has completely turned me off of the movie.  And that’s Just Shitty

The Sh– To Getting Sh–ty? Keith Stone And His Smoothness Limits

Upon the first time seeing this Keystone Light beer commercial, I knew the ad campaign had found a hero to compare with Dos Equis’ Most Interesting Man in the World.  He was sort of the anti-thesis; the everyman that any man could be… if he drank Keystone Light.

What followed, upped his “always smooth” quotient into undeniable levels:

(In this next one, his smoothness is legit as The Shit… at least as much as a roller rink provides room to be.)

But although this latest commercial originally made me laugh, it’s been bothering me more and more upon each repeated viewing:

I don’t mind Brian, or the fact he wears no arm protection. I even like the continued use of the cougar-growl since the rollerskating commercial. Because that’s all smooth. But the magical fire? It’s a shortcut and a means to an end, but it could be a dangerous sign of things to come.

The Most Interesting Man in the World works because it’s absurdly clever; The Man Your Man Could Smell Like works because it’s cleverly absurd.  Always Smooth Keith Stone exists somewhere in the middle, shy of too absurd.

Here’s an appearance in a Funny or Die video that doesn’t help the situation (mostly because it’s more Die than Funny):

The Sh– To The Bigger Sh–… Shine On, Shine On, iLuminate!

I don’t know how long these videos will be available on YouTube, but I have to share despite the risk (comment below if they are gone and I’ll find new ones).

I don’t know much about iLuminate other than they appeared on America’s Got Talent, and my friend that introduced me to them not only claims they will win, but he will pay to go see them.

Here’s their most recent performance on AGT:

Here’s their tryout:

Here’s what I believe is their inspiration: