“The Shot” To Just Sh–ty… NBC’s Up All Night

I’ve mentioned my television viewing rules before, but here I go again.

TV DRAMAS RULE: I will not watch a new drama in its first year (because it might get cancelled).

I followed that rule with Justified (WIN!) and LOST (fuck LOST), but not American Horror Story (fuck AHS… but not as much as LOST).  With sitcoms, the rule is even simpler:

TV COMEDIES RULE: Watch… if funny, repeat.

So that brings us to this show:

This show is not following the promise of its premise. (<----writer's lingo)

WHY I GAVE THIS  SHOW “THE SHOT”

Well, to begin:

  1. Will Arnett
  2. Christina Applegate

Both of them deserve a chance to be on another decent show, and I thought the “cool couple have to adjust to be cool parents” wasn’t the stupidest idea out there.  So why not?  The remainder of the cast didn’t hurt/help either (Maya Rudolph’s okay, and Scientologist former skateboarder Jason Lee showed up for a while).

WHY I DECLARE THIS SHOW AS “JUST SHITTY”

Applegate’s Reagan isn’t likeable.  And I’m not saying likeable is required.  The casts of Seinfeld, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Arrested Development, and even Friends featured some unlikable members.  But you still liked them despite the distaste they left in your mouth.  And I don’t think it’s Applegate’s fault.  (Well one thing is… I hate her stupid baby name necklace.)

Ick.

No, I blame show creator Emily Spivey.  They always say “write what you know,” so to me, this former SNL scribe fancies herself quite the privileged producer that’s entitled to have it all – just like Reagan.

The biggest moment that turned me off the show was an episode in which they were flying to a wedding with the baby.  They had a plan that involved them sitting together, and upon finding out they couldn’t, she threw a fit and hassled the woman at the reservation guest because she didn’t get her way.  As she walked off, she disconnected the retractable straps that compose the queue.  Was I supposed to be on her side?!  Because all I thought was fuck her,  Even the neighbors they hate that we’re supposed to hate makes them look callous.

In closing, I wish the show this premiered along with lasted.  Free Agents was way more interesting… and adult.

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–? Is This Annoying Commercial Growing On Me?

Metro PCS is to all the other cell phone companies like a hot dog vendor is to chain restaurants.  It’s cheap, and if you need it, it’s food a phone.

For their latest ad campaign, they feature a very annoying song (as opposed to racist caricatures*) that for some reason is seeping into the part of my brain that likes hot dogs from street vendors… wait, that doesn’t sound right.

*If you don’t remember…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Songs About New York

There is one song on this The Shit To Just Shitty list that was its inspiration.  It’s not inspiring by any means… it simply got me thinking.

So here’s my ranking of Songs About New York that I like, and how I really feel about them.

(SIDENOTE: The reason I’m writing about songs I like is because (1) it’s my blog, and (2) there are a lot of songs about New York, New York… sorry Frank.  Not one of my faves.)

THE SHIT

Jay-Z and Alicia Keys kill it with Empire State of Mind, and in my opinion, it captures the essence of being in the Big Apple.  But the main reason this song is ranked so high is simple – this is the apology for most of the rest of the list.  Oh yeah.  Plus, street cred.

THE SHIT AROUND THE HOLIDAYS

The Pogues and Kirsty McColl’ Fairytale of New York is one of the most emotional Christmas songs I’ve ever heard.  It’s also fairly depressing.  Nonetheless, it’s great.

THE SHIT FOR BEING FROM THE 70’s

Billy Joel’s New York State of Mind wasn’t a hit when it came out in 1976, and that’s a shame.  One of his best.

A DINGLEBERRY

Simon and Garfunkel’s Only Living Boy in New York is one of those songs that you know is good… but damn it to hell when it gets stuck in your head.

CRAPPY IF NOT IN THE MOOD FOR

How is Suzanne Vega’s Tom’s Diner a song about New York?

Seinfeld anyone?

CRAPPY EVEN IF IN THE MOOD FOR

The Wallflowers’ 6th Avenue Heartache is not One Headlight, but I won’t hold it against it.  (I really like One Headlight.)

KINDA SHITTY

Here’s where the list really takes a turn for the worse.  Remember Disney’s Oliver and Company?  How about Huey Lewis’s Once Upon a Time in New York City?  Sorry for reminding you.

REALLY SHITTY

So wait… this isn’t the worst song on the list?  A tune from (another) Disney film no one saw, Newsies, is on my radar for songs about NYC.  What could be worse?

JUST SHITTY

The inspiration for this post: Arthur’s Theme by Christopher Cross.  That’s the best that I could do?  You betcha.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Crappy Commercials

How bad would it feel to go from having a great guest spot as rapper Lil’ Kev on a popular TV show like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

To having your voice over dubbed (or playing a voice actor’s body) in this TurboTax commercial:

Just Shitty, I’d imagine.  But compared to these other shittier commercials, this one is The Shit.

DUMB AS SHIT

Airborne Effervescent Tablets not only rip-off an old special effect from a 1992 movie, it contains one of the dumbest looking and sounding animated spokescharacters I’ve ever seen.  Mix that with the lawsuit Airborne faced a couple years ago regarding misleading advertising, and it wins being Dumb as Shit.  (I was going to make an inappropriate comment about the tablets not giving the woman her boobs back, but I opted not to.)

ANNOYING AS SHIT

I like the J. Geils Band, and I’m sure that Energizer Lithium Batteries work great, but the version of the music used in this ad drives me up the wall.  It butchers the hook, and keeps going and going and going…

CRAPPY AS SHIT

Happy’s Pizza is a local pizzeria (natch), and this is the commercial they ran around Halloween last year.  I’ve written about how poor their ad department is before, but this one takes the cake pizza pie.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Dumb Movie Ideas

"So what's it about?" "Well, it's a whole movie about the opening scene of Lethal Weapon. Except it's a dude. And he's clothed."

Man on a Ledge may actually be a good film, but at first glance, it seems like a dumb idea.  (Not as dumb as this idea.)

(SIDENOTE: The strangest reaction I get from the previews is that I feel like I kind of missed Sam Worthington being in a movie.  It should be noted that this is not because of Avatar or any one of the 100 other flicks he made in the last two years… it’s because of a silly video game commercial.)

This got me thinking about other dumb movies that had dumb ideas and should have never been made (again, not saying Man on a Ledge shouldn’t have been made, but really), and here I’ll rank them from The Shit to Just Shitty.  I saw every one of these in the theater.  I paid to see them.  Minimum wage pay in most cases.

(SIDENOTE: The alternative to this diatribe was about people trapped in situations and things, but I already did that once before.  So moving on…)

THE SHIT

Not about ice cream.

This film being ranked as The Shit comes out of nowhere, pretty much like a tornado.

Twister is one of those films that was made mostly because it could be made (CGI effects were getting better).  Aside from the graphics, it introduced cow as a catchphrase (effectively replacing Bart Simpsons’ famous cow quote).  There are TV shows based around storm chasers these days, so there’s something to its premise.  But then again, there are also shows about lady hoggers.

ALMOST THE SHIT

Not about a spelling bee.

I almost placed Arachnophobia at the top because of this scene:

I remembered it being better.  But then again, I was only 15.  Oh, if you couldn’t guess, this film was about spiders.  Bunches and bunches of spiders.

PIECES OF SHIT (tie)

I like their use of yellow. It reminds me of urine.

If you stop and think about it, I paid to see not only a Jerry O’Connell vehicle, but a David Arquette one, too.  What was I thinking?

Tomcats was about a group of friends that were in an eternal struggle to be the last bachelor (to win a wager); Ready to Rumble is about two wrestling fans that try to help their favorite wrestler regain his championship title.  Sure, neither of their ideas are as obviously dumb as the previous two, but… I’m mostly embarrassed I saw these Pieces of Shit at the theater, hence their inclusion here.

A COMPLETE TURD

They should have tried to steal the University of Phoenix.

Jason Lee.  Tom Green when people knew who Tom Green was.  One of the Kids in the Hall directing.  Stealing Harvard should have stole my heart made me laugh, but instead, it stole my money.  The premise is simple: an uncle resorts to thieving to raise money for his niece’s tuition.  No comedy ensues.  This remains to be the only film I’ve ever walked out on.

JUST SHITTY

...& Boredom

Even my love for Olivia Wilde couldn’t make me like this abysmal so what? of a movie.  If you guessed that it’s about cowboys fighting aliens, you’d be right.  You’d be right about everything you’d guess.

(SIDENOTE: Dear OliviaI approve of Jason Sudeikis, at least until we meet.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… A Ranking Of Famous Sean’s

Hi, I’m Sean.  This is my blog.  This post is about other people named Sean (spelled the right way) that have done more than write a stupid little blog.  Some of them I consider The Shit; some of them are Just Shitty; most fall somewhere in between.  Here’s how they fall in my rankings:

THE SHIT

Seans Connery, Combs, and Bean

Why are these three Seans ranked so high?  Let’s see… one was Boromir in The Lord of the Rings and a James Bond villain (plus supposedly fantastic in HBO’s Game of Thrones), one was the original James Bond and Indiana Jones’ father (who has since quit Hollywood), and one is a bad boy for life.

Nuff said.

JUST SHY OF THE SHIT

Seans Penn and Astin

Sean Penn has had a hell of an interesting career and life…  He’s been fantastic as an Actor! (Mystic River, Milk) and as a director (The Crossing Guard, Into the Wild); he was married to Madonna back at the height of her career and Robin Wright back when I had a crush on her back in Toys and Forrest Gump.  So why isn’t he considered The Shit?  He also got to bang Scarlett Johansson.  Screw him.  He gets #2 on my list of #2’s.

As for Sean Astin?
Pros: The Goonies, Toy Soldiers, and The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Cons: Encino Man and Rudy.  Fuck Rudy.

NEITHER THE SHIT NOR SHITTY

Seans Hayes and Patrick Flanery

Sean Hayes played the zany comic foil to the straight (gay) man in Will and Grace well, and he started a reality TV show to find a new scripted show (which flopped); now he co-produces NBC’s Grimm and TV Land’s Hot in Cleveland, so there’s that.

Sean Patrick Flanery was one of The Boondock Saints (which is a little overrated in my opinion), and he also played Indiana Jones, so there’s that.  Neither is either.

CRAPPY

Sean Young and Big Sean

I used to really want to see Sean Young naked; now I really want to see Paget Brewster naked (she looks like the upgraded version of her… plus, I fear I’ve said too much).

As for Big Sean, do I really need to remind you of his contribution to society?

—————————————————————————————————

And now the drumroll please… what, there’s no drumroll?!

JUST SHITTY

Sean Hannity: a man of so many emotions, shirts

This smug bastard doesn’t even know how to smile like a human being!  Go ahead and do an image search!  He always looks like the turd that he is!  Why couldn’t he have spelled his name like Seann William Scott so he would have never made it on here!  I’d much rather have ranked Shawn Carter (Jay-Z) or Shaun White if their parents knew what all the parents of the people above knew–

–how to spell Sean!

The Sh– To Super Sh–ty… Britney Spears

We knew this already.  It’s been a long steady fall from Britney Spears being The Shit

A babe in the woods.

…to her more current state of Super Shitty.  I recently saw this video for her 2009 song, Radar, for the first time (I initially thought it was brand new), and was horrified by the horrible extent of its horribleness (the song and the video and the lack of a thesaurus in the writing of this sentence):

It’s good to see at the very least she’s still doing her stupid tongue thing:

(SIDENOTE: It’s not really stupid that thing she does with her tongue.  I bet that’s what’s kept her career alive.  And her big eyes.  Yeah, her big eyes.  And her nice tight smile.)