The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… So-Called Legends

It appears to me that the word legend gets thrown around an unfair amount.  So I’m gonna throw it around some more but with some context…

THE SHIT

This is the show’s equivalent to “Walk Like an Egyptian.”

In Avatar: The Last Airbender (the TV cartoon – not the movie), we are introduced to an amazing world where gifted individuals can bend (mentally manipulate) the four elements.  But Aang’s more of a legend than Korra at this series’ start.  This show that acts as a sequel not only brought us back to this world, but also a grown up one.  We’re only one season in, and although the finale was a bit too tidy, I can’t wait for more.  This desire to go back is the only thing that trumps what I deeply considered deeming The Shit, and instead opted to rank as…

NUMBER TWO

Look how fast they grow up. And different.

The only legend you need to know about Zelda is that she’s an easy kidnap.  The original game was incredible; I could never beat Zelda II: The Adventures of Link.  A Link to the Past was my next victory… and my last.  I’ve purchased virtually all the games in this series, but even though I play them like crazy when I first get them, I’ve yet to finish another.  I don’t even look forward to them half as much anymore.  I did get close to finishing Twilight Princess… but I just stopped.

BIRD TURD

“Who wants their ass kicked? That’s right… I said who!?”

Owls.  In.  Armor.  ‘Nuff said.

UNDEAD CRAP

“Here’s a little story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down.”

This Will Smith cash grab probably would have got a higher ranking from me if the they would have done one of two things:

  1. Not use CGI zombie/vampire/whatevers
  2. Kept the original ending where his character makes amends with the main CGI zombie/vampire/whatever

WHAT IS THIS SHIT?

It looks passable… and I don’t mean in the bowels sense.

This TV show is only so low because I know little about it.  I know I’ve heard good things about it, but I also know it was cancelled before its time, so to invest any time in catching up on it would be a waste of, um, time.  What they were seeking, I may never know, but if it ever gets picked up again, who knows?  Maybe I’ll seek out the DVD’s.

DINGLEBERRY CENTRAL

“No, this is not about Xenu.”

I haven’t seen this film in forever, and as much as seeing young Mia Sara could tempt me, seeing young Tom Cruise or the weird shirtless (even if it’s a prosthetic) Tim Curry does not.

80’S POOP

I hate to admit this, but the kid is my son.

The plot of this film sounds atrocious, and you can read it by clicking here.  Or you can just read the summary of Billie Jean’s legend:

…[she’s] a symbol of youth empowerment and the evidence of the injustices adults are capable of…

Boo hoo.

JUST SHITTY

Matt Damon: “Are the cameras still on us?” Will Smith: “What cameras?”

Sorry that you made it on here twice, Will Smith.  Nothing against you, but this golf flick (first mistake!) is not good.  In fact, the only good thing it has going for it is that it probably ushered in the end of the magical negro trope.  Well, maybe this quote by Matt Damon’s character, too:

You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn’t much matter ‘cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That’s ok, that’s ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.

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The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Dumb Movie Ideas

"So what's it about?" "Well, it's a whole movie about the opening scene of Lethal Weapon. Except it's a dude. And he's clothed."

Man on a Ledge may actually be a good film, but at first glance, it seems like a dumb idea.  (Not as dumb as this idea.)

(SIDENOTE: The strangest reaction I get from the previews is that I feel like I kind of missed Sam Worthington being in a movie.  It should be noted that this is not because of Avatar or any one of the 100 other flicks he made in the last two years… it’s because of a silly video game commercial.)

This got me thinking about other dumb movies that had dumb ideas and should have never been made (again, not saying Man on a Ledge shouldn’t have been made, but really), and here I’ll rank them from The Shit to Just Shitty.  I saw every one of these in the theater.  I paid to see them.  Minimum wage pay in most cases.

(SIDENOTE: The alternative to this diatribe was about people trapped in situations and things, but I already did that once before.  So moving on…)

THE SHIT

Not about ice cream.

This film being ranked as The Shit comes out of nowhere, pretty much like a tornado.

Twister is one of those films that was made mostly because it could be made (CGI effects were getting better).  Aside from the graphics, it introduced cow as a catchphrase (effectively replacing Bart Simpsons’ famous cow quote).  There are TV shows based around storm chasers these days, so there’s something to its premise.  But then again, there are also shows about lady hoggers.

ALMOST THE SHIT

Not about a spelling bee.

I almost placed Arachnophobia at the top because of this scene:

I remembered it being better.  But then again, I was only 15.  Oh, if you couldn’t guess, this film was about spiders.  Bunches and bunches of spiders.

PIECES OF SHIT (tie)

I like their use of yellow. It reminds me of urine.

If you stop and think about it, I paid to see not only a Jerry O’Connell vehicle, but a David Arquette one, too.  What was I thinking?

Tomcats was about a group of friends that were in an eternal struggle to be the last bachelor (to win a wager); Ready to Rumble is about two wrestling fans that try to help their favorite wrestler regain his championship title.  Sure, neither of their ideas are as obviously dumb as the previous two, but… I’m mostly embarrassed I saw these Pieces of Shit at the theater, hence their inclusion here.

A COMPLETE TURD

They should have tried to steal the University of Phoenix.

Jason Lee.  Tom Green when people knew who Tom Green was.  One of the Kids in the Hall directing.  Stealing Harvard should have stole my heart made me laugh, but instead, it stole my money.  The premise is simple: an uncle resorts to thieving to raise money for his niece’s tuition.  No comedy ensues.  This remains to be the only film I’ve ever walked out on.

JUST SHITTY

...& Boredom

Even my love for Olivia Wilde couldn’t make me like this abysmal so what? of a movie.  If you guessed that it’s about cowboys fighting aliens, you’d be right.  You’d be right about everything you’d guess.

(SIDENOTE: Dear OliviaI approve of Jason Sudeikis, at least until we meet.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… A Ranking Of Famous Sean’s

Hi, I’m Sean.  This is my blog.  This post is about other people named Sean (spelled the right way) that have done more than write a stupid little blog.  Some of them I consider The Shit; some of them are Just Shitty; most fall somewhere in between.  Here’s how they fall in my rankings:

THE SHIT

Seans Connery, Combs, and Bean

Why are these three Seans ranked so high?  Let’s see… one was Boromir in The Lord of the Rings and a James Bond villain (plus supposedly fantastic in HBO’s Game of Thrones), one was the original James Bond and Indiana Jones’ father (who has since quit Hollywood), and one is a bad boy for life.

Nuff said.

JUST SHY OF THE SHIT

Seans Penn and Astin

Sean Penn has had a hell of an interesting career and life…  He’s been fantastic as an Actor! (Mystic River, Milk) and as a director (The Crossing Guard, Into the Wild); he was married to Madonna back at the height of her career and Robin Wright back when I had a crush on her back in Toys and Forrest Gump.  So why isn’t he considered The Shit?  He also got to bang Scarlett Johansson.  Screw him.  He gets #2 on my list of #2’s.

As for Sean Astin?
Pros: The Goonies, Toy Soldiers, and The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Cons: Encino Man and Rudy.  Fuck Rudy.

NEITHER THE SHIT NOR SHITTY

Seans Hayes and Patrick Flanery

Sean Hayes played the zany comic foil to the straight (gay) man in Will and Grace well, and he started a reality TV show to find a new scripted show (which flopped); now he co-produces NBC’s Grimm and TV Land’s Hot in Cleveland, so there’s that.

Sean Patrick Flanery was one of The Boondock Saints (which is a little overrated in my opinion), and he also played Indiana Jones, so there’s that.  Neither is either.

CRAPPY

Sean Young and Big Sean

I used to really want to see Sean Young naked; now I really want to see Paget Brewster naked (she looks like the upgraded version of her… plus, I fear I’ve said too much).

As for Big Sean, do I really need to remind you of his contribution to society?

—————————————————————————————————

And now the drumroll please… what, there’s no drumroll?!

JUST SHITTY

Sean Hannity: a man of so many emotions, shirts

This smug bastard doesn’t even know how to smile like a human being!  Go ahead and do an image search!  He always looks like the turd that he is!  Why couldn’t he have spelled his name like Seann William Scott so he would have never made it on here!  I’d much rather have ranked Shawn Carter (Jay-Z) or Shaun White if their parents knew what all the parents of the people above knew–

–how to spell Sean!