Hey! How could I have not thought about this before now, but in the past year, I’ve been working on another project – The Film School Janitors Review Films!
We have plenty of NSFW podcasts about some of the last years biggest (and some of their not so biggest…) films. Check them out on iTunes, SoundCloud, or Stitcher! Follow us on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook!
Opening Scene: It’s 1:01am on Sunday, just after an episode of SNL has finished taping. Everyone is congratulating each other and the guests on a great show.
Seth Meyers stands off on the side, alone, ignored. In this reality, Seth Meyers is the character he plays for Weekend Update – his real name (in the film) is Geth Pliers. Current cast members pass by Geth as he tries to make a joke (“We’re only live on Saturday Night for a half hour. We should change it to Some Saturday Night and Some Sunday Morning Live.”), but no one interacts with him.
He retires to his office (which is stall in a restroom) and is happy to find that he’s finally received a response from a woman named Standra Dee Light (Cecily Strong) on a dating website. He takes to the hallways in excitement and runs into Bobby Moynihan and Kenan Thompson on their way to the after-party. They tell Geth that she’s probably a fake and that he’s getting catfished. Geth plans to meet Standra that night at an apartment party anyway.
The Setup: Meanwhile, on the top of buildings across the city, cell phone towers begin exploding, and inter-dimensional beings called Vitargs emerge through a portal. The first few through immediately discover they’re repulsed by our gravity and fly up into the air. The next wave realizes they must grab things on the roof to stay grounded. They then embark upon entering the buildings through the rooftop entrances. Once inside, they suck out the souls of the rich people in the people in the penthouses, and then they are able to use our gravity. (Insert jokes about rich people having souls and eating the rich.)
The Main Story: It’s a cameo-laden comedy in the guise of a disaster/invasion movie spoof (think: Cloverfield). As Geth takes to the streets to find the one person with which he’s made a connection, he must navigate the crowds of people freaking out because: 1)there’s an alien invasion and 2) there’s no cell phone reception! (Not necessarily in that order, either.)
He finds help in the form of Weekend Update guests like Stefon (Bill Hader) and his Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan). Stefon leads him through the underground club scene which features actual Internet Trolls and literal Catfish behind computers (and maybe Coneheads).
In the end, Standra is indeed whom she claimed to be (The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with at a Party), and Geth finds true love, the respect of his coworkers, and true friends, all while saving the day.
In a post credit sequence, we learn where Greg (Bill Hader) came from prior to co-hosting Game Time with Dave and Greg:
I saw Oz the Great and Powerful when it was in theaters. Heck, I even watched it in 3D. I wanted to like it, but those hopes fell asleep in the poppy field.
It was an attempt – but not enough of an attempt. It seemed to try – but not try hard enough.
Here may be the official reason why – it’s a remakeretread ripoff of Sam Raimi’s Army of Darkness. Take a peak:
1992 doesn’t sound that long ago (unless you were born in or after that year of course), but this anti-piracy ad certainly dates the date:
Speaking of outdated, check out this meeting of the old and the new. The ending before the ending is pretty good, and of course, so is the middle. If you’ve never heard Leonard Nimoy singing the original version of the song he’s singing (no spoiler), then click here. Otherwise, enjoy:
That bad feeling is a mix of is this gonna scare me and is this gonna be a waste of time.
This is the remake of Evil Dead. Judging by this moment in the previews (stuck in a fifteen minute loop), I’m tipping toward the first part of my bad feeling:
But why is that so scary? I’d like to think it’s due to mostly practical effects as opposed to CGI. Case in point – two flicks I’ve recently caught on cable that freaked me a little bit out. Well, one did more than the other, and I’ll let you guess which was which. But they were both made in the 80’s, so that explains a lot.
Here’s Coma Baby from Bright Lights, Big City:
Here’s Alfred E. Neuman from Up the Academy (also on loop):
I recently saw this commercial, and it gave me pause…
“Is this the new record scratch?” I wondered.
This meaning suddenly hit by bus.
So I started thinking about where this trend began, and I think I can link it back to The Hit that I think is The Shit.
THE SHIT MEET JOE BLACK (1998)
Sure, it’s not a bus, but it was shocking – and eventually entertaining? Most of all, it was first.
THE PINCHLINE MEAN GIRLS (2004) HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (2008) GHOST TOWN (2008)
These accidents are used for comedic effect. What the fuck is wrong with us America? (See the Ghost Town clip in the montage below.)
THE PLOP DEVICE
STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006) LOST (2007)
Dramatic tension is high, and these scenes drive the plot, so… why couldn’t the Will Ferrell hit been less real and more ha-ha?
THE FART NOISE (IT’S SO OBVIOUS) FINAL DESTINATION (2000)
“Woh-woh…” *wet trombone fart noise*
THE TURD VERSION OF THE PLOP DEVICE FELICITY (1999) NIP/TUCK (2006)
These really aren’t that interesting, so check out the montage below.
JUST SHITTY BUBBLE BOY (2001)
Hey look! Zack Galifianakis! Just don’t look at the rest of it.
PHANTOM POOPERS CONTAGION (2011) DEXTER (2012)
These are too new to be found anywhere, butt they’d probably fall under PLOP DEVICE since one had a contagious kid get smashed and the other had a serial killer get smashed. I’ll let you guess which one each belonged to.
MONTAGES (there has to be a pun in there somewhere…)
I’ve mentioned it before (here and here), and I’ll mention it again – I have a very short list of serious fears. Irrational? That list would go on forever.
Ghosts
Candiru (look ’em up)
Commitment
Aliens
I’m really beginning to rethink that order because there’s a certain type of aliens that might be the worst. But I’ll get to that in a second. Here’s the preview for what I might find the scariest movie ever made! Oh yeah… it’s called Dark Skies:
I can’t find the newest preview (nor do I really want to try that hard), but in that one, it seems that this film is about BEK’s. That’s short for Black Eyed Kids. Oh, I wish I could make a joke about the Black Eyed Peas right now, believe me.
You can click here for a Google image search of them for your own, but an image search alone won’t do it justice. Howzabout a couple of stories from the ol’ TripleDoubleU to unsettle you in…
These strange Black Eyed Children, who can appear or vanish at a moment’s notice, seem to be between the ages of 8 and 16. Their skin is pale or pasty colored, described by some as looking plastic or artificial, and their mannerisms are odd. Witnesses describe their clothing as odd and drab – blue jeans and a hoodie or very old-fashioned, handmade clothing. Bizarre electrical phenomena occurs when they are around, such as a garage door inexplicably opening.
When a man in Dallas arrived home, he saw a boy at his door who repeated “I think it’s food time. You should invite me inside.” The man’s protective pit bull came running toward the front door, but as it got closer to the boy, it whimpered and ran away, hiding under the bed for days afterward.
A man named Paul was home alone when someone knocked on this door. He opened it and saw two kids about 10 years old standing on his steps with their heads down. They said, “Hey, we just thought we’d stop in for a bit.” The kids insisted they be let into the house. Thinking they had the wrong house, Paul stepped forward to get a better look and made eye contact. Their eyes were solid black, including the sclera.
Jason Offutt, another researcher into the Black Eyed Children phenomenon, gives this account:
Around 10:45 on a warm night, as 18-year-old Carris Holdsworth approached her apartment in Lisburn, Northern Ireland, she saw two teenagers in hoodies and jeans standing in her yard with their backs to her. As she attempted to slip away unseen, she fumbled in her purse for pepper spray. At that very moment, the boys turned to face her and, as if reading her mind, one said, “No need for that, we just want to borrow your phone, miss.” When she caught a glimpse of their pitch black eyes, not a trace of white or a pupil, she panicked and raced to her apartment, locking the door behind her. The boys following close behind, knocked on her door. She ignored it. After a second knock, fearing for her safety she phoned a friend to come over. When the friend arrived, the boys ran away.
Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves… you’ve left this world too soon. What?! Reeves is still around? Regardless, their pairing was dynamite, and a reunion could never hope to attain the level of spectacle and wonder that was 1991’s Point Break (directed by surprise! – Kathryn Bigelow),
But did you know, according to the strange dream I had last night, there was a different title before it was released?
Presenting:
!00%! P!UR!E A!DR!!ENEL!NE!!!
It was simply called !, like O orMor Q. But how did they arrive at Point Break? My dream went on to explain:
Originally, the film was titled with only an exclamation point, to build up anticipation for the excitement, but audiences couldn’t follow that logic, so then they were going to call it Exclamation Point, using the words rather than the punctuation. But once again remember, audiences are dumb. So someone suggested to “break” apart the exclamation point, and thus, Point Break was born*.
*In reality, this film went through several name and casting changes. Matthew Broderick and Charlie Sheen were originally cast (imagine that!). When Reeves became the lead, the title was changed to Johnny Utah. Then when Swayze was attached it became Riders on the Storm. Halfway through filming, Point Break was settled on. Who’s to say it didn’t go down like it did In My Brain While Sleeping?
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