The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… I Choose “Death By Bus!”

I recently saw this commercial, and it gave me pause…

“Is this the new record scratch?” I wondered.

This meaning suddenly hit by bus.

So I started thinking about where this trend began, and I think I can link it back to The Hit that I think is The Shit.

THE SHIT
MEET JOE BLACK (1998)

Sure, it’s not a bus, but it was shocking – and eventually entertaining?  Most of all, it was first.

THE PINCHLINE
MEAN GIRLS (2004)
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (2008)
GHOST TOWN (2008)

These accidents are used for comedic effect.  What the fuck is wrong with us America?  (See the Ghost Town clip in the montage below.)

THE PLOP DEVICE
STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006)

LOST (2007)

Dramatic tension is high, and these scenes drive the plot, so… why couldn’t the Will Ferrell hit been less real and more ha-ha?

THE FART NOISE (IT’S SO OBVIOUS)
FINAL DESTINATION (2000)

“Woh-woh…” *wet trombone fart noise*

THE TURD VERSION OF THE PLOP DEVICE
FELICITY (1999)
NIP/TUCK (2006)

These really aren’t that interesting, so check out the montage below.

JUST SHITTY
BUBBLE BOY (2001)

Hey look!  Zack Galifianakis!  Just don’t look at the rest of it.

PHANTOM POOPERS
CONTAGION (2011)
DEXTER (2012)

These are too new to be found anywhere, butt they’d probably fall under PLOP DEVICE since one had a contagious kid get smashed and the other had a serial killer get smashed.  I’ll let you guess which one each belonged to.

MONTAGES (there has to be a pun in there somewhere…)

Got it!  MOONTAGES!

JusWondering… Is This Movie Really Gonna Scare The S#!t Out Of Me?!

I’ve mentioned it before (here and here), and I’ll mention it again – I have a very short list of serious fears.  Irrational?  That list would go on forever.

  1. Ghosts
  2. Candiru (look ’em up)
  3. Commitment
  4. Aliens

I’m really beginning to rethink that order because there’s a certain type of aliens that might be the worst.  But I’ll get to that in a second.  Here’s the preview for what I might find the scariest movie ever made!  Oh yeah… it’s called Dark Skies:

I can’t find the newest preview (nor do I really want to try that hard), but in that one, it seems that this film is about BEK’s.  That’s short for Black Eyed Kids.  Oh, I wish I could make a joke about the Black Eyed Peas right now, believe me.

You can click here for a Google image search of them for your own, but an image search alone won’t do it justice.  Howzabout a couple of stories from the ol’ TripleDoubleU to unsettle you in…

These strange Black Eyed Children, who can appear or vanish at a moment’s notice, seem to be between the ages of 8 and 16. Their skin is pale or pasty colored, described by some as looking plastic or artificial, and their mannerisms are odd. Witnesses describe their clothing as odd and drab – blue jeans and a hoodie or very old-fashioned, handmade clothing. Bizarre electrical phenomena occurs when they are around, such as a garage door inexplicably opening.

  • When a man in Dallas arrived home, he saw a boy at his door who repeated “I think it’s food time. You should invite me inside.” The man’s protective pit bull came running toward the front door, but as it got closer to the boy, it whimpered and ran away, hiding under the bed for days afterward.
  • A man named Paul was home alone when someone knocked on this door. He opened it and saw two kids about 10 years old standing on his steps with their heads down. They said, “Hey, we just thought we’d stop in for a bit.” The kids insisted they be let into the house. Thinking they had the wrong house, Paul stepped forward to get a better look and made eye contact. Their eyes were solid black, including the sclera.

Jason Offutt, another researcher into the Black Eyed Children phenomenon, gives this account:

  • Around 10:45 on a warm night, as 18-year-old Carris Holdsworth approached her apartment in Lisburn, Northern Ireland, she saw two teenagers in hoodies and jeans standing in her yard with their backs to her. As she attempted to slip away unseen, she fumbled in her purse for pepper spray. At that very moment, the boys turned to face her and, as if reading her mind, one said, “No need for that, we just want to borrow your phone, miss.” When she caught a glimpse of their pitch black eyes, not a trace of white or a pupil, she panicked and raced to her apartment, locking the door behind her. The boys following close behind, knocked on her door. She ignored it. After a second knock, fearing for her safety she phoned a friend to come over. When the friend arrived, the boys ran away.

(via)

There are plenty more stories out there.  I simply can’t bear anymore.

In My Brain While Sleeping… I Know Now The Original Title For A Swayze/Reeves Classic, And You Can Too!

Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves… you’ve left this world too soon.  What?!  Reeves is still around?  Regardless, their pairing was dynamite, and a reunion could never hope to attain the level of spectacle and wonder that was 1991’s Point Break (directed by surprise!Kathryn Bigelow),

But did you know, according to the strange dream I had last night, there was a different title before it was released?

Presenting:

!00%! P!UR!E A!DR!!ENEL!NE!!!

!00%! P!UR!E A!DR!!ENEL!NE!!!

It was simply called !, like O or M or Q.  But how did they arrive at Point Break?  My dream went on to explain:

Originally, the film was titled with only an exclamation point, to build up anticipation for the excitement, but audiences couldn’t follow that logic, so then they were going to call it Exclamation Point, using the words rather than the punctuation.  But once again remember, audiences are dumb.  So someone suggested to “break” apart the exclamation point, and thus, Point Break was born*.

*In reality, this film went through several name and casting changes.  Matthew Broderick and Charlie Sheen were originally cast (imagine that!).  When Reeves became the lead, the title was changed to Johnny Utah.  Then when Swayze was attached it became Riders on the Storm.  Halfway through filming, Point Break was settled on.  Who’s to say it didn’t go down like it did In My Brain While Sleeping?

Unofficial Trilogy… Weird Reincarnations Edition

Nicole Kidman is the only one getting the look right. Or is she?

Nicole Kidman is the only one getting the look right. Or is she?

No one will ever argue that Hollywood is full of weirdos.  No one would ever argue that it’s chock full of weird ideas, either.  But pseudo-sentimental malarkey in the guise of an ancient religious philosophy?  That’s another story (or three), and it makes up this Unofficial Trilogy.

This is the classic story of Dad dies, Dad comes back as a dog, Dead Dad Dog escapes a dog pound then lives with a homeless woman then flees a testing lab then finds his old family then comes to terms with being a dog then lives the rest of his life on the road on his own.  Really.

Does that snowman in the above picture look like Michael Keaton?  Of course not!  Because George Clooney was originally slated to star in this clunker.  Wannabe rock star dad Keaton misses his son’s hockey game to chase his dream,  and full of guilt, he tries to return home to take his family to their cabin.  In a shocking! twist of fate, he dies trying to make it back.  Blah-blah-blah he returns a year later as a snowman!  The harmonica was magical!  His son’s bully becomes his son’s best friend because neither of them had dads!  Keaton’s character’s band’s name (that’s a lot of s‘s) was “The Jack Frost Band.”  Really.

At least this film set out to be creepy and awkward.  And its ending is ambiguous.  It’s definitely the most intriguing of the three in this Unofficial Trilogy.  That is if you’re into the Dead Husband is Now a Ten Year-Old Child So You Take a Bath Together genre of filmmaking.  Really.

Yes Or No, Y’Know? All. Things. Geek.

This 42" tall playset gets a definite YES! from me.

This 42″ tall playset gets a definite YES! from me.

There are plenty of geeky things to get to today.  So let’s start with the big one.

YES!
J.J. Abrams has been confirmed as the director of Star Wars Episode VII.  Be ready for fanboy battles to reach all new levels.  Can the director of Star Trek pull off the switch?  Considering he was raised suckling the hairy teat of George Lucas, I wouldn’t worry.  Plus, this might pave the way for Joss Whedon directing Episode VIII.  (No logic for that statement… only hope and speculation.)   The only downside – a Damon Lindelof rewrite of Lawrence Kasdan and Michael Arndt’s finished script.  Fuck you, LOST!

NO!
Two of my favorite newer shows are getting cancelled!  Ben and Kate and Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23 have officially received the ax.  Hopefully they receive a DVD release – I don’t think I’m ax-ing for much.  At least they’re in good company.  Some of my highest recommendations lasted only one or two seasons – Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies, Freaks & Geeks, Action, Profit, Undeclared, Jericho, and Firefly.  (Veronica Mars, Deadwood, and Arrested Development got three.)  P.S. I’m still waiting for my Sons and Daughters and Warren the Ape DVD’s!

YES!
Two cool video games I’ll buy and never play: LEGO Marvel Super Heroes and Pokémon X and/or Y!

NO! OR MAYBE YES?
Django Unchained toys came out, and that’s a baaaaaad idea.  A good idea would have been buying them, though.  They’re selling for upwards of $500 each (though I’m not sure what they started out at, I’m sure they were under $50).  An entire set went for $6000 on eBay!  Why are my feelings so conflicted right now?!

The Silver Lining… Love It Or Leave It, Nothing Beats Seven Different Kinds Of Smoke

In honor of You, Me, and Dupree being quite ubiquitous this weekend on some cable channel that was on whenever I woke up (yes, it happens more than twice in two days), here is Owen Wilson’s Dupree explaining (well, not really explaining) Seven Different Kinds of Smoke:

But here it is in action:

You’re welcome.

(SIDENOTE: I don’t know what this movie is about, since I’ve never seen anything but these parts.  But as for these parts – they’re pure Dupree gold.)

(BONUS SIDENOTE: This is probably a good time to mention that I have my own Advice Sheet at the top of the page.  It’s full of monkeyBLOGmonkeyDO gold, which despite how that phrasing sounds, may or may not equal poo.)

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Umbrella Corporation Is For Real

Nothing like a little Regenerate to improve your complexion.

Nothing like a little Regenerate to improve your complexion.

If you’re unaware of the Umbrella Corporation, here’s a sampling of one of their products:

In reality, it’s a youth-restoring product invented for  a movie/video game series involving zombies.  Or is it?

A little Regeneration, I mean, Meaningful Beauty goes a long way.

A little Regeneration, I mean, Meaningful Beauty goes a long way.

If it’s not that shit stuff, then how about this stuff shit?

Why does Justin Bieber have a perfume?

Why does Justin Bieber have a perfume?