Hey, Did You Realize The 80’s Were, Like, 30 Years Ago?

So this happened all the time, even though we like to pretend it didn’t.

In Britain!  I meant to say it happened all the time in Britain!

We were way cooler over here in America…

This happened three years after that video. Why is it weird his legs are on top?

This happened three years after that video. Why is it weird his legs are on top?

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Awesome Battle… Heck, It’s Really A Cute Battle

I am not a fan of Depeche Mode, but this family from Columbia sure is.  After watching these, I heard Enjoy the Silence on the radio, and I couldn’t help but smile.

(SIDENOTE: When I was in high school, um, let’s see… 20 years ago… I remember this one girl gave a speech in our Honors English class about how squids are people, too.  I thought, “Squids aren’t people.  They’re squids!”  Apparently, this is what they called goth back in the day at my school, and goths squids liked Depeche Mode.  Don’t worry, I know what you’re thinking – He took Honors English?!)

Awful Battle… Out Of Ideas NBC?

Don’t ask me how it happened, but I watched the ending of Howie Mandel’s new game show, Take It All.  (And Michael Bublé’s Home for the Holidays.  No excuses for that either.  Actually, Elmo was going to be on it, and I wondered if there were going to be any tasteless puns.  I got to hand it to them – there weren’t.)

Anyhowie, the end of Take It All was a hell of a lot (and by hell of a lot, I mean exactly) like an old Game Show Network, um, game show called Friend or Foe? (hosted by the MTV VJ that vocalized keeping her the V-card, Kennedy).

Greed Or Greater Good?

Nothing like a new game show for the holidays.

Essentially, at the game’s end, both players much choose between A or B.  For Take It All, A equaled “Keep Mine” and B equaled “Take It All,” and on Friend or Foe?, A equaled “Friend” and B equaled… I can’t recall.  If both people choose A, both people win.  If both people choose B, both people lose.  If only one chooses A, they win everything.

So apparently, NBC is running with this Take It All mentality with some upcoming shows.

Deception looks a lot like ABC’s Revenge to me.

A girl infiltrates a group pretending to be someone else to get revenge... I mean deceive them.

A girl infiltrates a group pretending to be someone else to get revenge… I mean deceive them. Why? Because rich people are assholes.

Even better, NBC is ripping off their own failed projects, because Do No Harm Done seems a lot like Awake.  Did they just have a bunch of leftover scripts?  (And art department files?)

A guy is living two lives. One splits a twelve hour shift; the other waking and sleeping hours. Which for a pothead is twelve hours. Neither of these is about a pothead.

Each one is about a guy is living two lives. One splits a twelve-hour shift between his dual lives; the other splits waking and sleeping hours. Which for a pothead is twelve hours each. Neither of these is about a pothead.

Awful Battle… Different Types Of Awful (In Music Videos)

This post could get quite existential.  It’s going to ask the big questions that have no real answers.

First up –

Why is Chris Brown allowed to still be making music?

I’m not even taking any of the Rihanna crap into account.  I’m basing it solely on this horrid example of modern music, Don’t Wake Me Up:

What I don’t get is that even though the kid can sing, they do the shittiest auto-tuning of his voice at the 1:11 mark (and beyond).  I thought we were done with that!

Second up –

What parent allowed their child to be tortured like this?

I’ll grant you that the video for MGMT’s Kids is amazing.  But it’s mostly amazing because it traumatizes a child throughout.  The band does explain how they made it, but I didn’t feel like watching that video too.

Third up –

If you can clearly understand the lyrics, why would you show them through the whole damn video?

Matchbox Twenty reunited this summer and released their first song in (look up how long to fill in this blank) years, She’s So Mean, and instead of a clever representation of the song, they gave a literal literal one:

They ultimately released a banned band version, but it’s too late.  The damage is already done.

Awesome Battle… Which VHS Acid Trip Do You Prefer?

Who am I kidding?  These are both great.  So it’s an Awesome Battle that ends in total win!

(SIDENOTE: I miss you, Everything is Terrible… I promise not stay away so long ever again!)

THINGS TO WATCH FOR:

  • Rosemarie Lombardi when she was 36 and loving wind in her face.*
  • Rodney enjoying a time out to talk with the ladies.
  • Mike Douglas on a skateboard.
  • Elliott Gould on a swing.
  • Priscilla and John – two lovers that never found Plymouth Rock.
  • Beer enriched shampoo!
  • Leonard Nimoy with a human head (Vincent Van Gogh?) replica for some reason.
  • The late Ernest Borgnine loving stamps.
  • Sonny Bono and his Sonny Clone-o’s.
  • Bruce Jenner with his old face and an old Minolta camera.
  • A clown on the phone.
  • Hizzoner?
  • An interesting reveal by Della Reese.
*I don’t know who Rosemarie Lomobardi is either.

Awesome Battle… Supporting Will Ferrell Vs. Lead Will Ferrell

With The Campaign on its way to a theater near you, I thought it was a good time to evaluate Will Ferrell’s hits and misses via his earlier supporting roles compared to his starring roles.  It’s an Awesome Battle for the ages!

  • WILL FERRELL’S SUPPORTING ROLES
austin power mustafa ladies man lance delune superstar jesus jay silent bob marshal willenholly zoolander jacobim mugatu old school frank ricard

Such diversity… he’s like the Modern Lon Chaney, Jr… or Mod Chaney… or Lon Chaney, Jr. Jr.

Though in these parts he may have played second hat (which seemed to require weird hair… or a hat), no one can deny that Ferrell didn’t chew up his scenes, starting with Mustafa in the Austin Powers.  When he wanted to oil up and wrestle in the otherwise horrible The Ladies Man, he brought moments of tolerableness.  He not only took on Jesus in Superstar, but also Jay and Silent Bob as they struck back.  His Mugatu must have been on crazy pills because he was the only one that could see the fool that Zoolander was.  And who could forget his reintroduction streaking through the courtyard (or his ass) in Old School?

  • WILL FERRELL’S LEADING ROLES
elf buddy anchorman ron burgundy talladega nights ricky bobby stranger than fiction harold crick step brothers brennan huff other guys allen gamble

All of them are capable of moments of “assholeness“… even Buddy in Elf

He can play it straight (Stranger Than Fiction), he can play it dry (Anchorman), or he can play it over the top (Elf)… but we still have to admit it: he plays it better when he has someone else to play off of (Talladega Nights, Step Brothers, The Other Guys).  That might be why I have to give the Awesome Battle to his supporting roles.  Or do I?

  • *THE WINNER* WILL FERRELL’S CAMEOS
wedding crashers chazz reinhold starsky hutch big earl goods mcdermott tim eric billion dollar movie damien weebs

You know every one of these characters if you’ve seen these films. If you don’t – you just haven’t seen them.

SIDENOTE: Sorry, but I have not seen Megamind, Everything Must Go, or Casa de mi Padre.  Or any of his older more criticized flicks like Semi-ProLand of the LostBewitched, Kicking and Screaming, or A Night at the Roxbury.  I did see Blades of Glory; I regret that.  I have no excuses for The Producers, Winter Passing, or Melinda and Melinda, or any of the smaller films.  But that’s why none of them are included – I didn’t see them or they sucked so I didn’t see them or they sucked
.

Awesome Battle… He-Man Vs. She-Ra

Sibling Rivalry

Recently, on the Hub or some channel like that, I happened to catch back-to-back episodes of both shows, and I’ve already decided that there is a clear winner in the Awesome Battle between He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and She-Ra: The Princess of Power.  This post will illustrate my process.

  • ROUND 1 – THEME SONGS

Each of these are classics in their own right, but one stands out as a more advanced arrangement.  One could even imagine its back beat being lifted for an artist such as Nicki Minaj:

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 2 – ROGUE GALLERY

Let’s take a look at She-Ra’s enemies – The Evil Horde, lead by Hordak:

They were so bad-ass, they didn’t even sell them as part of the She-Ra toyline.

And howzabout He-Man’s baddies, lead by Skeletor:

I kid, I kid… Or should I say “I baby…” (pun!)

(Click here for the real pic.)

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 3 – SEXUAL OVERTONES

Sexual overtones are in all cartoons… especially in ones that phocus on fysique focus on physique.  So in He-Man, you have Prince Adam who dresses like this:

Um… yup.

And this is him as He-Man with his merry crew:

Despite furry loin clothes and boots, plus Ram Man’s skirt, this is a bit better.

With She-Ra, well, here’s the whole kitten-caboodle:

Hello ladies…

Even if you excuse the rainbow for the times, on the episode of She-Ra that I watched, at the start of the show, she emerged from one of the other ladies’ tents after spending the night.  Remember, this is pre-Brokeback Mountain, too, but mixed messages are mixed messages for a reason.

WINNER: TIE WITH SLIGHT EDGE TO SHE-RA (NOT TO BE INSENSITIVE, BUT I’LL CHOOSE LESBIANS EVERY TIME)

  • ROUND 4 – COMIC RELIEF

On MOTU, you have Orko:

“Here’s today’s lesson… if you try to be funny, you’re probably not…”

On POP, you have Madame Razz:

Get it! She has a talking broom! (I don’t get it…)

WINNER: TIE… NEITHER ARE THAT FUNNY

  • ROUND 5 – ACCEPTABLE WEIRDNESS

Here are some weird things on He-Man:

They fight by shoving, not punching.

Need more proof?

Who’s this guy?

A dragon wearing a horned helmet?

This takes the cake.

No weird pictures for She-Ra because all that shit’s acceptable.

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 6 – HIDDEN CHARACTERS

In every episode of She-Ra, you had to watch extra hard to find Loo-Kee hidden somewhere in a scene:

He hid better than this.

The only thing hiding in episodes of He-Man was common sense.

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 7 – OVERALL TOYLINE

WINNER: HE-MAN

OVERALL WINNER: HE-MAN