Awful Battle… These Commercials Can’t Be Real (Or Can They?)

This is really one of the weirdest groupings of commercials I’ve ever seen.

This first one doesn’t seem like a real ad on TV, but oh yes – it is:

Does this one feature Legos?  Legos?!  Who’s watching this?!

This one might (?) be (?) racist (?), but the scariest thing is the concept of a communal chocolate fondue…

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Awful Battle… Preview Mix-N-Match

It’s good that there are finally movies coming out that I want to see.  They’re not necessarily good, but I’ve been hitting up the silver screen more in the last month than all winter with no signs of slowing down.

That having been said, I’m getting caught up on non-blockbuster preview fare, and it’s fair at best.

Take the latest offerings I witnessed (please!), and tell me if you notice something:

First, they are all screenplay movies.  By that I mean to evoke Little Miss Sunshine or Cedar Rapids.  They are all movies that read well, I’m sure, but have limited commercial commercial appeal.

Second, they either feature the charming Emily BluntJason Segel, or both!

(SIDENOTE: I saw these previews in this exact order before the tragically unfunny Wanderlust.)

Am I eager to see any of them?  No.  But will I eventually?  Yes.

Emily Blunt and  Jason Segel are just so charming!

Awful (?) Battle… John Carter Of Attack Of The Clones

Having just seen Episode I again, it’s put some bad thoughts into my brain about the upcoming John Carter film.

I know I’m late to the party on this critique, but there’s a good reason.

I want John Carter (formerly Of Mars) to be good.

The reason is a simple one – I’m rooting for director Andrew Stanton.  And why, you wonder?

Hint: One of the answers is in his hands.

Andrew Stanton wrote and directed two of Pixar’s greats – Finding Nemo and Wall-E.  He also wrote and directed this Edgar Rice Burroughs‘ adaptation, so I’m hoping the third time’s just as charming.

But I’m afraid.  Very afraid.

Here’s a scene from the preview:

Dusty Arena: Check. Furry-ous Beast: Check.

Now here are some Episode II memories that this drudges up:

Dusty Arena: Check.

Furry-ous Beast: Check.

Couple with that the tired outsider-saves-the-day plot (John Carter’s of Earth, not Mars, so…), and my worries don’t seem unwarranted.

So is this an Attack of the Clones clone?  Hopefully, the two films have as much in common as these two do:

One has monkeying around in it and the other has a monkey.

Awesome Battle… TV Shows That Tried To Find New Life In Film

I could have started this post about the new Tim and Eric movie, but…

...nobody knows anything about this except for five people I know.

So instead, I’ll focus on other TV shows that made the leap to the big screen with the original cast (or at least most of it) in tact.  This is not about the remakes.  Here are some TV Shows That Tried To Find New Life In Film.  Some did; some didn’t.  Awesome Battle, begin!

WE’RE GONNA STICK WITH THIS MOVIE THING FOR AWHILE

These were the TV shows that had either finished their run (Star Trek: The Original Series), were about to finish their run (The Muppets Show, Star Trek: The Next Generation), or barely had a run at all (the short-lived Naked Gun), but went on to produce more motion pictures than thought possible.  These are the successes.  These are the ones that the cinema kept alive… even up to now.

The Muppet Show - Star Trek: TOS & TNG - Naked Gun

WE’RE GONNA GO BACK TO TV A LITTLE WHILE LONGER

It’s weird that this group mostly consists of cartoons.  These are the TV shows that decided to release a movie to capitalize on the boob tube success, and in many ways, they did.

  • Transformers: The Movie was released in 1986 to reboot the toy line and cartoon series, and how did it do that?  It killed most of the original cast.  It’s officially time to throw out Optimus Prime to buy Rodimus Prime.
  • Beavis and Butt-Head Do America extended the show one more season, but it must have also entered it into the nostalgia lexicon.  It returned to MTV with a new season late last year.
  • South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut came out somewhere around season 3 or 4.  The show just finished its fifteenth season.  Oh, my god!  They didn’t kill this show!
  • Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters should have killed ATHF, but it didn’t.  I saw this at the show.  It was horrible!  This happened in 2007.  The show is still on the air.
  • The X-Files: Fight the Future got me to watch the season before the film was to be released.  I wasn’t a fan of the show prior to that, but I knew a fair amount of its mythology.  (I’d only watch it here and there for the random, spooky episodes.)  The show went on for four more years.  Somehow.  The revelations in the movie were boring.  And I think they changed all the mysteries anyway.  Long story short, I stopped watching the show; others didn’t.

Transformers - Beavis and Butt-Head - South Park - The X-Files - Aqua Teen Hunger Force

WE’RE JUST LUCKY TO HAVE ONE MOVIE

These shows probably shouldn’t have had movies, but because of the fans, they did.

Kids in the Hall begat Brain Candy; Twin Peaks begat Fire Walk With Me; Firefly begat Serenity; Strangers with Candy begat Strangers with Candy; and for some reason… when no one was asking, The X-Files begat I Want to Believe.  They were trying to pull an ol’ Star Trek: TOS on us.  You’ll have to do better than pedo-priest and severed heads, Chris Carter.  Mulder needs his Khan.

Kids in the Hall - Twin Peaks - Firefly - Strangers with Candy - The X-Files

WE’RE NOT GOING TO COUNT THESE

Any film based on Saturday Night Live skits is not up for discussion at this time.

And I didn’t include Monty Python because they’re British.

Now, I know that Kids in the Hall are Canadian, and I added them up above.  And they, too, were produced by SNL’s Lorne Michaels.  But they’re already in the Photoshopped image, so nyah.

Awful Battle… First Comes Stupid, Then Comes Marriage

There’s dumb, and then there’s getting married.

I could ramble on and on (and on and on) about my feelings on marriage, but I already feel like I’ve shared enough.

So to further illustrate how fruitless of a venture getting married is I present

SUBJECT 1 – THIS MIGHT HAVE SEEMED CLEVER IN THE PLANNING STAGES, BUT IN REALITY… 

SUBJECT 2 – THIS ALSO MIGHT HAVE SEEMED CLEVER IN THE PLANNING STAGES, BUT IN REALITY… 

Vodpod videos no longer available.

See what marriage does to our brains?  The only thing worse than either of these was the wedding where people danced down the aisle to Chris Brown beat-up music.  It has over 71,000,000 views.  Fuck them, seriously.

Awesome (Almost) Battle… Those Are Some Nice Dangerous Animals

This one you’ve probably seen everywhere, and it’s not that big of a deal.  I’ll explain why in a second.

These are bears in game reserve started by Walt Disney forever ago (of course).  And it’s not that rare (although it’s still nice of them to wave).

(SIDENOTE: My guess why the first one has 5,000,000 hits is because it’s only 7 seconds long.)

But this… this just doesn’t happen everyday, even in Uganda.  Skip ahead to the 2:50 mark (sorry it’s not 7 seconds long):

Awful/Awesome Battle… The Many Faces (Or At Least Two) Of Fear

It’s been long enough since I’ve seen this video about recent UFO sightings across the world that I can finally post it here.  Have I mentioned how I feel about aliens before?  Here’s a tip on how to get through it – focus on the misspellings (why do videos like this always have misspellings?)…

AWFUL

This next one is creepy, but in a fun way, which seems weird to say based on what it’s, um, based on, but it’s true.  Honestly, it’s one of the funniest videos I’ve seen in a long time.

AWESOME

(original video here)