Awful Battle… Not All Candy Is Dandy
Halloween is spookily and creepily and horrifically upon us. Boo!
Well, at least it has been ever since they pulled all the Back-to-School displays at your local Target a month ago and threw up the orange and black. So while speaking of “throwing up,” I figured an Awful Battle featuring terrible candy would be frighteningly appropriate!
- Candy Buttons
Who likes their sugar droppings with a bit of paper? Perhaps the same people who thought biodegradable gum wrappers were meant for eating.
"Candy Buttons" sounds like a cute porn star name.
- Orange and Black Taffy(?)
I don’t know what this candy really is, but it was cheap to give out so I used to get plenty when out trick-or-treating. I’d much prefer Smarties, thank you.
What were these called? Cheapies? Dummies?
- Bit-O-Honey
Honey is not candy. Not now. Not ever. Well maybe in the 20’s…
My grandma always had Bit-O-Honey, and I always ate them. Butterscotch, too.
- Circus Peanuts
Orange marshmallows pressed into peanuts may sound like a win at the circus, but in the real world, normal men do put on face paint and cram into Mini Coopers (that often). Draw your own conclusions.
I once dared my brother to pack a ton of these into his mouth when he was a kid. Wasn't one of my tougher dares, but the results were funny.
- Wax Lips
I don’t know how many times I tried chewing on these like they were gum, but they were not gum. Wax is not gum no matter what anyone tells you!
Not gum!
- Boston Baked Beans
I don’t think I could even eat these if I was the middle word.
Beans, beans, they're good for nothing.
- Almond Joy / Mounds
Not a fan of coconut. That will probably never change, even if I ended up on Survivor. But if my alternative was rat meat…
Sometimes you feel like a nut, because frankly, you're nuts.
- Tootsie Fruit Rolls
A perfect example of “if it’s not broke, don’t give it a fruit flavor when chocolate is perfectly fine.”
I have heard the vanilla flavor is pretty good, though.
- Apple-Flavored Jolly Ranchers
I like Jolly Ranchers otherwise. This adverse reaction to one particular flavor probably deals with the fact we had an apple tree when I was a child, and I hated picking up the fallen, rotten, worm-invested symbols of the Fall of Man. Mjusayin’.
I don't like apple juice, candy apples, applesauce, apple fritters, apple cider, nor Apl.De.Ap.
- Runts Bananas
Why are there so many bananas in a bag or box of Runts?! And why are they so hard?!
Case closed.
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