Intoxication

Was This Genius Or Was I That Drunk?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Last night was the first time I ever watched Fox’s ADHD (Animation Domination High Definition, I think).  This was the opening:

I was blown away.  It was succinct.  It captured the week’s pop culture highlights.  Including a potential SPOILER.

But I was extremely drunk.  My Detroit Tigers had almost completed a post-season no-hitter against the Boston Red Sox, which was also a 1-0 victory.  I honestly had to have had almost (if not exactly) ten Blue Moons.

So is this brilliant?  Click each day for the relating link:

Let me know what you think in the comments.  I’ll be at the bar.

JusWondering… Who Knew That Flight Of The Conchords Could Be Improved Upon?

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you’re unfamiliar with the almost award-winning fourth-most-popular folk duo in New Zealand, Flight of the Conchords, then shame on you.  Or should I say lucky you because then here’s your first taste:

Here are the lyrics if you want to print them and sing (?) along:

So, you’re leaving, aren’t you?
I knew it when you said just then when you told me you were leaving
That’s when I definitely knew
But if you’re trying to break my heart
Your plan is flawed from the start
You can’t break my heart, it’s liquid
It melted when I met you
And as you turn around to leave
Don’t’ turn back to me
Don’t turn around and see if I’m crying
I’m not crying
I’m not crying
It’s just been raining on my face
And if you think you see some tear tracks down my face
Please don’t tell my mates
I’m not crying
No, I’m not crying
And if I am crying
It’s not because of you
It’s because I’m thinking of a friend of mine who you don’t know who is dying
That’s right, dying
These aren’t tears of sadness because you’re leaving me
I’ve just been cutting onions
I’m making a lasagna
For one
Oh, I’m not crying
No
There’s just a little bit of dust in my eye
That’s from the path that you made when you said your goodbye
I’m not weeping because you won’t be here to hold my hand
For your information there’s an inflammation in my tear gland
I’m not upset because you left me this way
My eyes are just a little sweaty today
They’ve been searching around
They’re like searching for you
They’ve been looking around
Even though I told them not to
These aren’t tears of sadness
They’re tears of joy
I’m just laughing
Ha ha ha-ha ha
Sitting at this table called love
Staring down at the irony of life
How come we’ve reached this fork in the road
And yet it cuts like a knife?
I’m not crying
I’m not crying
I’m not cry-y-y-y-
-y-y-y-y-ing

And here’s the original for comparison, I guess.  Even though there’s no comparing…

Drunken Recollection… Hotness Scale In The Digital Age

Posted on by sgottahurt

I really wish I could take credit for this idea, but again it was brought up while drinking after soccer.

So the old way of rating a woman (or a dude)’s hotness was on a scale of 1 to 10…  1 being not-so, and 10 being ichiwawa.

In other words, archaic… or analog.

But since we live in the digital age, there should be a new standard for the scale.

“Visual approximation of the future.”

Hence:

THE HOTNESS SCALE FOR THE DIGITAL AGE

1 = YES

0 = NO

You’ll interface or won’t.  DOS that make sense?.

Drunken Recollection… I Couldn’t Wait For Urban Dictionary’s Approval

Posted on by sgottahurt

Where’s the Urban Thesaurus?

As I mentioned in my last post, over some drunken conversation, the subject of dirty slang terms and phrases came up arose happened.  And mind you – women were present and one provided this first term that was not on Urban Dictionary.  I was happy to submit it, but I’m still awaiting their final approval.  You can check for it maybe one day soon, but allow me to present:

  • THUMBERCATS

Thumbercats Ho, indeed.

This second one is an idea I’ve kicked around for a while, so may it one day find infamy on the UD:

  • REDICKULESS

I’m ashamed to admit I created this definition.

InASense, Lost… You Learn Some Dirty New Slang Everday

Posted on by sgottahurt

Nothing beats beers after being beaten at soccer (alliteration!)…  except (thinking you’re) making up new dirty words.

This was going to be a Drunken Recollection of phrases that were thrown around, but most already existed on Urban Dictionary, and two did not.  The ones presented here made me feel InASense, Lost… the other’s should appear in a Drunken Recollection quite soon.

As it is with “pizza” and “cheeseburgers,” it’s hard to find a bad one…

Can’t say the same about this…

Who thinks of this stuff? Oh yeah… drunk people at bars.

U.S.A! U.S.A!

Musical Musings… My Favorite Lonely At The Bar Songs (Not That I Ever Go To The Bar Alone)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was really trying to buy more time to think of more songs like these, but I needed to share what I have now.  I’ll add more later one day, but these are the songs that make me feel like:

  1. I’m sitting alone at a bar
  2. on a rainy day
  3. feeling introspective
  4. not in a self-loathing type of way
  5. but in a how did I get here and where do I go next type of way
  6. and there’s a band playing one of these songs
  7. regardless of the song’s content
  8. and nobody’s really listening
  9. except me
  • Bob Seger’s Mainstreet
  • The Jeff Healey Band’s Angel Eyes
  • Billy Vera and the Beater’s At This Moment
  • Dan Fogelberg’s Same Old Lang’s Syne

That’s enough of me being cheesy today.  You’re probably thinking:

Thank Gouda…

Drunken Recollection… So You’re Saying Jennifer Lawrence Looks Like Olivia Munn?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve been putting off writing this Drunken Recollection for a while now because I felt like it would be too much work.  Then I realized I could make this as difficult as I wanted to, and here we go.

While out drinking with some friends upon seeing The Hunger Games (still in theaters), one of my friends exclaimed:

You know, Jennifer Lawrence kind of looks like Olivia Munn.

Okay, so he didn’t quite exclaim it, but because it shocked me, it felt like he did.  For those of you unaware of either of those ladies, here’s a refresher:

Jennifer Lawrence, meet Olivia Munn

Despite the obvious differences of hair and eye color, skin tone, noses, and lips, they both have:

  1. White teeth (welcome to Hollywood)
  2. Distinct, angled chins
  3. Narrower eyes
  4. Round faces with high cheekbones
  5. Similar bodies?

Similar bodies: check

I still don’t exactly see it though.  Perhaps if they’re both in costume:

Katniss Everdeen, meet Slave Leia... I'm sure you'll both have so much to talk about

CONCLUSION #1: I don’t see it.

CONCLUSION #2: My friend is an idiot.

CONCLUSION #3: Ladies, call me!

Drunken Recollection… Don’t Make A “Great One” Pun, Don’t Make A “Great Two” Pun

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m a late entry fan to hockey and the NHL.  But having said that, I’ve been a fan since 1995.  Since then, I’ve been aware of Wayne Grezky and his status as The Great One, but I never witnessed any of the feats he performed to attain such an acknowledgement.

(SIDENOTE: Much to my chagrin, the same thing goes for Barry Sanders.  I’ve only started following the NFL since 2006…)

Anywayne, add to my disappointment that I didn’t know The Great One had a 22-year-old daughter that had a predilection to post provocative pictures of herself on Twitter.  And if G.I. Joe taught me anything, knowing is half the battle.  (However, it did not teach me not to drink before playing soccer.)

Here are some pictures of Paulina Gretzky in case you too were iced out (sadly, The Great one has since made her quit using Twitter… talk about a slap shot):

She did not borrow those glasses from any officials, I'm telling you...

Hat trick. I just had to make some caption.

Puck.

(More pics here.)

So now I find myself in a similar quandary as I did when I had my crush on Chris Elliott’s daughter, Abby:

More like, Sunday Morning Live

And my upcoming crush on Mirror Mirror star, Lily Collins, daughter of Phil Collins (she plays Snow White in the re-imagining):

Sadly, her father does not play one of the Seven Dwarfs.

Imagine if  this dude was singing this song to any of the above dads:

Drunken Recollection… I Severely Miss #5 (Don’t Read This If You Work With Me!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is a badge of honor.

We finally had out holiday work party and… well, let me give you a quick back story first.

At my office, which is an IT firm based within another larger company, we guys always had a sad little game we played.  For all my years there, we ranked the women in the office on their level of attractiveness.  I know; I already mentioned it was a sad little game.

The thing is, we always placed one woman we worked with at #5 on the list of five, no matter how many attractive women we had working with us at any time.  If there were three – she was #5.  If there were six – the same.  (At least we were consistent.)

One thing that was also consistent about her was she enjoyed to drink.  Like me.  At company parties.  So long as we were both at company parties, neither of us felt particular embarrassed by our levels of intoxication.  In fact, sometimes we used to be able to bring others to our depths.

But she was let go last year.  This holiday party was the first one I attended at which she was not present.  I fear I am now the company drunk.  I would have added lone company drunk, but the the implies that.

Here's to you #5.