Awful Battle… Douchey Wool-Pullers

I would like to bring up a new branch of douchebags, as the post title suggests.  This group can be used as a warning signal, something we look to in order to insure it never happens again.  These are the douchebags that pulled the wool over our eyes, and tricked us into thinking they were as cool as they thought they were.

So here lies the ultimate Awful Battle… of the Douchey Wool-Pullers:

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Dane Cook

Done Cooked, more like it.

I would say Cook seemed to explode on the comedy scene, but he would only spin it into some jizz joke.  Who knows how long he worked on his material?  (That doesn’t sound right either.)  Who knows why he caught on so fast?  I’ll even admit to enjoying him at the get go, and with an upcoming movie career, I believe I even hailed him as the next Steve Martin (compliment or not).  But when all the shit came out about his liberal borrowing of other comics’ bits, bits of me died for thinking Dane Cook was once cool, when really, he was a douchebag.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Scott Stapp of Creed

Scott Stop, more like it.

Really, this one is more our collective fault than anything else.  Though his level of douchebaggery may be high, his level of trickery/wool-pulling is not so.  We caught him early, mostly because he claimed to be Christian rock and wore leather pants and left his wife after having a kid and had that alleged sex tape with Kid Rock (and girl groupies) and need I go on?  I really did like Higher, My Own Prison, and With Arms Wide Open, though… what’s wrong with me?

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Fred Durst

Fred Duh, more like it.

Like Stapp and Cook, he appeared out of thin air that was apparently quite chilly, since he often appeared in his puffy jacket and backwards hat.  He was quite popular from the word nookie, and was in the pop music backlash crowd that included Eminem and the Wu Tang Clan.  But soon after, his song Break Stuff became like his anthem, and he was pissing people off at Woodstock ’99 (allegedly instigating the riot which lead to some rapes), Eminem and D12, Slipknot, Christina Aguilera, and Britney Spears.  I also remember hearing that Durst got pissy because Aaron Lewis of Staind never thanked him for putting them on the map.  Oh yeah… he had a sex tape, too.  Gross.  It’s a shame I picked his remake of George Michael’s Faith as the greatest rock remake of an 80’s song.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Kanye West

Kanye Messed, more like it.

I still maintain that West’s The College Dropout album is one of the best I’ve ever listened to, but we all know how fool full of  himself he is.  And how much he loves his Louis Vuittons and all other fashion whatevers… gah!  That stuff bores me.  Rap about important things (Jesus Walks, All Falls Down)!  Or even fun things (Slow Jamz)!  Not designer clothes!

DOUCHEY PULL-OVER RATING

M. Night Shyamalan

M. Not (!) Shyamalan, more like it.

How can someone make two incredibly cool films (The Sixth Sense and yes, Unbreakable), and not only get to keep making more films, but worse and worse films!  And then… AND THEN!  He has the audacity to say we, the audience, just don’t get it!  It takes something to rank pretty high on my Scale of Fury.  He’s at Rage Level 8 (out of 10).

_________________________________________________________________________

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

  • LeBron James and George Lucas

Though they may not be as cool as we once thought, they have not gone full douchebag.  They’ve come close, though.

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS:

  • Michael Bay and Brett Ratner

They never pulled any wool over anyone’s eyes.

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