Awful Battle… Douchey Wool-Pullers

I would like to bring up a new branch of douchebags, as the post title suggests.  This group can be used as a warning signal, something we look to in order to insure it never happens again.  These are the douchebags that pulled the wool over our eyes, and tricked us into thinking they were as cool as they thought they were.

So here lies the ultimate Awful Battle… of the Douchey Wool-Pullers:

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Dane Cook

Done Cooked, more like it.

I would say Cook seemed to explode on the comedy scene, but he would only spin it into some jizz joke.  Who knows how long he worked on his material?  (That doesn’t sound right either.)  Who knows why he caught on so fast?  I’ll even admit to enjoying him at the get go, and with an upcoming movie career, I believe I even hailed him as the next Steve Martin (compliment or not).  But when all the shit came out about his liberal borrowing of other comics’ bits, bits of me died for thinking Dane Cook was once cool, when really, he was a douchebag.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Scott Stapp of Creed

Scott Stop, more like it.

Really, this one is more our collective fault than anything else.  Though his level of douchebaggery may be high, his level of trickery/wool-pulling is not so.  We caught him early, mostly because he claimed to be Christian rock and wore leather pants and left his wife after having a kid and had that alleged sex tape with Kid Rock (and girl groupies) and need I go on?  I really did like Higher, My Own Prison, and With Arms Wide Open, though… what’s wrong with me?

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Fred Durst

Fred Duh, more like it.

Like Stapp and Cook, he appeared out of thin air that was apparently quite chilly, since he often appeared in his puffy jacket and backwards hat.  He was quite popular from the word nookie, and was in the pop music backlash crowd that included Eminem and the Wu Tang Clan.  But soon after, his song Break Stuff became like his anthem, and he was pissing people off at Woodstock ’99 (allegedly instigating the riot which lead to some rapes), Eminem and D12, Slipknot, Christina Aguilera, and Britney Spears.  I also remember hearing that Durst got pissy because Aaron Lewis of Staind never thanked him for putting them on the map.  Oh yeah… he had a sex tape, too.  Gross.  It’s a shame I picked his remake of George Michael’s Faith as the greatest rock remake of an 80’s song.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Kanye West

Kanye Messed, more like it.

I still maintain that West’s The College Dropout album is one of the best I’ve ever listened to, but we all know how fool full of  himself he is.  And how much he loves his Louis Vuittons and all other fashion whatevers… gah!  That stuff bores me.  Rap about important things (Jesus Walks, All Falls Down)!  Or even fun things (Slow Jamz)!  Not designer clothes!

DOUCHEY PULL-OVER RATING

M. Night Shyamalan

M. Not (!) Shyamalan, more like it.

How can someone make two incredibly cool films (The Sixth Sense and yes, Unbreakable), and not only get to keep making more films, but worse and worse films!  And then… AND THEN!  He has the audacity to say we, the audience, just don’t get it!  It takes something to rank pretty high on my Scale of Fury.  He’s at Rage Level 8 (out of 10).

_________________________________________________________________________

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

  • LeBron James and George Lucas

Though they may not be as cool as we once thought, they have not gone full douchebag.  They’ve come close, though.

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS:

  • Michael Bay and Brett Ratner

They never pulled any wool over anyone’s eyes.

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In Defense Of… LeBron James

Talk about a double-take.

Millions of Americans are probably more than ecstatic to join in the schadenfreude that is the defeat of LeBron James and his Miami Heat at the hands of the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals, so I’m taking on my biggest challenge yet.  I am going to be In Defense Of one of the most indefensible players in all professional sports.  So where to begin?

The Beginning

  • LeBron James was born in Ohio and he played for a team from Ohio.  So that’s something.

Even though he was drafted?

  • Um… from 2006 to 2010, he lead the Cleveland Cavaliers to the appearances in the playoffs.  In 2007, he took them all the way to the The Finals, the team’s only appearance.  That’s pretty good.

Wasn’t that the season that one ref got busted for fixing games?

The Betrayal

When “The Decision” was made to switch teams before this past season, James took a lot of heat for the way he went about it.  He has since apologized for that course of action, and even though some may have viewed it as coming a bit too late, he still did it.  Remember, he didn’t have to do it at all.

When the Heat fell to the Mavericks in only six games, James took a lot of slack for this comment:

All the people that were rooting for me to fail, at the end of the day, they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that. They can get a few days or a few months or whatever the case may be on being happy about not only myself, but the Miami Heat not accomplishing their goal, but they have to get back to the real world at some point.

Taken out of context, it can come off as pretentious and douche-y, but he even had to clarify this.  And he didn’t have to:

Basically, I was saying, at the end of the day, this season is over and with all the hatred not only myself, everyone else has to move on with their lives as well. They have to move on with their lives and their day-to-day, good or bad, and I do, too. At the end of the day, I’ve got to move on with my life. So it wasn’t saying that I’m superior or better than anyone else, any man or woman on this planet. I’m not.

Let’s think about his decision in real world terms:

  • He was 25 years old
  • He was presented a chance to play with a team that has won a championship
  • That team is managed by Pat Riley who has 6 championships under his belt (one as player, five as coach)
  • Florida vs. Ohio
  • Miami vs. Cleveland

The Final Breakdown

I could go into a dovetail of defenses, stating at least he hasn’t been caught sexting, he hasn’t been accused of rape, he hasn’t been involved in any dogfighting rings, or he hasn’t shot himself in the leg, but I won’t.

Everybody’s mad at him because he’s a Midwestern kid that turned his back on the Midwest and made a big deal about it.  He got cocky.  That’s really the root of it all in a nutshell.

I heard one reporter state that when James first returned to face the Cavaliers in his new uniform, the fans could have affected his game much more by giving a standing ovation – not booing.  He would have regretted his choice, potentially, rather than feed his drive to prove every one of his old fans wrong.

The Slamdunk

After all of this, you may agree or disagree, but I have one last line of defense.  Of all the athletes that have taken a crack at acting (O.J. Simpson, Shaquille O’Neal, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Michael JordanBrett FavreDan Marino), I feel LeBron James (all the LeBrons) may be the best:

It’s too bad his first film has been postponed, a comedy entitled Ballers.  They claim to still be developing the script, but perhaps their reconsidering just the title…

Bawlers

(There’s more Nike commercials featuring The LeBrons after the jumpshot…)

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JusWondering… Why Aren’t There More Mythical Moves Named After Players

Currently, a certain phone company is running a campaign featuring Alexander Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals:

He uses that stick to keep from tipping over.

In the ad, they play with his name and create a mythical move… the Ovechtrick.  In other words, “a hat-trick of hat-tricks.”  In other-other words, “nine goals.”  It’s not an impossible move, but it is insanely unlikely.  (The most goals scored in one game was 7… by Joe Malone… in 1920.)

So I was JusWondering, what other mythical moves could be invented based upon famous athletes names?  Here are a few…

THE PETE RAISE, A.K.A. THE RE-PETE ROSE

I bet you didn't see this joke coming.

This move, named after Cincinnati Reds’ legend Pete Rose (‘natch), is a daring tactic.  Comparable to the let it ride, it involves putting everything on the line, much like how the player played the game of baseball.  It differs only in the sense that it always works.

Here he is, putting it all on the line.

Like the Ovechtrick above, the Pete Raise is a mythical move, not to be used at any casino, or when online betting @ BetUS.com… unless you’re feeling luckier than Pete Rose, of course.

THE YELLOW FAVRE

It's highly contagious.

Not quite on the level as (in fact, it’s nowhere near) another disease named after a sports legend (*tugs collar uncomfortably*), this mythical disease causes a player to keep moving, not just on the field, but from team to team.  And not in any quiet fashion.  The move must be made into a BIG DEAL.

You do not want to get a call from this guy. Or a text, apparently.

Initially thought to be isolated to one man and one sport, it appears that The Yellow Favre is spreading…

Told ya it was contagious.

THE SHAQ FREE

He's immune to the Yellow Favre.

Not to be confused with Shaq Fu (or Steel for that matter), this is the mythical move in which Shaquille O’Neal never misses a free-throw.  This is the most magical move of all.  Mostly because Shaq has the luck of the Irish on his side.  Perhaps he might want to take his chances with The Pete Raise?