Awful Battle… Douchey Wool-Pullers

I would like to bring up a new branch of douchebags, as the post title suggests.  This group can be used as a warning signal, something we look to in order to insure it never happens again.  These are the douchebags that pulled the wool over our eyes, and tricked us into thinking they were as cool as they thought they were.

So here lies the ultimate Awful Battle… of the Douchey Wool-Pullers:

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Dane Cook

Done Cooked, more like it.

I would say Cook seemed to explode on the comedy scene, but he would only spin it into some jizz joke.  Who knows how long he worked on his material?  (That doesn’t sound right either.)  Who knows why he caught on so fast?  I’ll even admit to enjoying him at the get go, and with an upcoming movie career, I believe I even hailed him as the next Steve Martin (compliment or not).  But when all the shit came out about his liberal borrowing of other comics’ bits, bits of me died for thinking Dane Cook was once cool, when really, he was a douchebag.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Scott Stapp of Creed

Scott Stop, more like it.

Really, this one is more our collective fault than anything else.  Though his level of douchebaggery may be high, his level of trickery/wool-pulling is not so.  We caught him early, mostly because he claimed to be Christian rock and wore leather pants and left his wife after having a kid and had that alleged sex tape with Kid Rock (and girl groupies) and need I go on?  I really did like Higher, My Own Prison, and With Arms Wide Open, though… what’s wrong with me?

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Fred Durst

Fred Duh, more like it.

Like Stapp and Cook, he appeared out of thin air that was apparently quite chilly, since he often appeared in his puffy jacket and backwards hat.  He was quite popular from the word nookie, and was in the pop music backlash crowd that included Eminem and the Wu Tang Clan.  But soon after, his song Break Stuff became like his anthem, and he was pissing people off at Woodstock ’99 (allegedly instigating the riot which lead to some rapes), Eminem and D12, Slipknot, Christina Aguilera, and Britney Spears.  I also remember hearing that Durst got pissy because Aaron Lewis of Staind never thanked him for putting them on the map.  Oh yeah… he had a sex tape, too.  Gross.  It’s a shame I picked his remake of George Michael’s Faith as the greatest rock remake of an 80’s song.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Kanye West

Kanye Messed, more like it.

I still maintain that West’s The College Dropout album is one of the best I’ve ever listened to, but we all know how fool full of  himself he is.  And how much he loves his Louis Vuittons and all other fashion whatevers… gah!  That stuff bores me.  Rap about important things (Jesus Walks, All Falls Down)!  Or even fun things (Slow Jamz)!  Not designer clothes!

DOUCHEY PULL-OVER RATING

M. Night Shyamalan

M. Not (!) Shyamalan, more like it.

How can someone make two incredibly cool films (The Sixth Sense and yes, Unbreakable), and not only get to keep making more films, but worse and worse films!  And then… AND THEN!  He has the audacity to say we, the audience, just don’t get it!  It takes something to rank pretty high on my Scale of Fury.  He’s at Rage Level 8 (out of 10).

_________________________________________________________________________

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

  • LeBron James and George Lucas

Though they may not be as cool as we once thought, they have not gone full douchebag.  They’ve come close, though.

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS:

  • Michael Bay and Brett Ratner

They never pulled any wool over anyone’s eyes.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? George Lucas, The Prophet?

It would be hard to deny that George Lucas has a vast imagination.

Sure, you could argue that his ideas funnel through other creative people, and courtesy of their hard work, everything we know about Star Wars exists.

But is possible that George Lucas is a visionary?  That he’s a prophet, capable of seeing what’s to come?

In 1981, when Lucas was still married to Marcia Lou Griffin, they adopted their daughter, Amanda:

Amanda Lucas, MMA Fighter

Then in 1985, he produced the TV movie, Ewoks: The Battle for Endor:

VHS, oh how I miss ye...

Nowadays, Amanda fights in mixed-martial arts, and in the midst of fighting she looks like the fast-running character from The Battle for Endor named Teek:

Turn that frown upside-down and voila!

Happy Find… Star Wars Here! (But Far, Far Away…)

How effing cool is this?

"Kick back and relax..." "Roger, roger..."

(SIDENOTE: I am not sure why sometimes I feel it necessary to censor myself and type “effing” instead of the real word.  Oh well, fuck it.)

This is just one doctored shot in the film series by Cedric Delsaux.

(SIDENOTE: I was going to specify that he was a French photographer, but it seemed self-explanetory.  Ha!  See-threepio what I did there?)

Basically, he took pictures around Dubai, and added in Star Wars characters.  It’s as nerdy cool as it sounds.  You can check the rest out by clicking here.

In other Star Wars news, could these fire rescue masks be the inspiration for Darth Vader and C-3PO?

Yeah, probably.

Apparently they were used in between the late 1880’s and World War I.  From the article in the Atlantic:

“The buzz among collectors is that George Lucas’ designers must have found inspiration in these smoke helmets and other [sic] like them,” [collector Steve] Erenberg wrote. “In fact, one well-known 19th-century manufacturer” — that early company — “was named Vajen-Bader.” From there, Vader isn’t a big stretch.

(SIDENOTE: None of it’s a big stretch.)

(Thanks Becky for the find at the top!)

JusWondering… Which Happened Longer Ago – Star Wars Or Lord Of The Rings?

This originated as a Drunken Recollection, but it was so long ago (or I was so hammered), I don’t recall the events that lead to the discussion.  But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve wanted to map out where other period pieces fell.

So here’s what you get, you lucky bastards:

  • When The Lord of the Rings took place, according to some nerd:

While it’s fiction, Tolkien did leave a telling clue as to his “historic timetable”. Numenor, also called Atlantis, was destroyed about 3000 years before the events of Lord of the Rings. The reference we have in actual historical records about Atlantis date that city at 10,000 BCE. So, the events of the trilogy would have taken place around 7000 BCE, with the fading of magic and the start of the fourth age around that time. (Keep in mind that the Atlantis story itself comes from a single reference in what amounted to a text about political systems).

BTW, BCE is the new PC term for BC (CE is the new AD, I guess).  And since we’re just over 2000 years beyond the nerds estimate, I’m sticking with about 10,000 years ago.

Now as for Star Wars, there is some divide, mostly because people are idiots, and they can’t grasp the concept a long time ago and futuristic technology.

It’s not specified in Earth years, just that it happened “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” Most of the dates in Star Wars are relative to pivotal battles. The Battle of Yavin is typically used as the starting point. So everything is either BBY (Before Battle of Yavin) or ABY (After Battle of Yavin).

There are two possibilities. The Star Wars universe might be located in a parallel universe and might be taking place in our time. Or if they are in war in our Milky Way Galaxy, the date is most likely the year 3,000. If current technological advances keep up in the rapid pace they are in we will one day live in a Star Wars-like universe, I guarantee it.

That’s a guarantee to put money on.  What a fucking dipshit.  He contradicted himself in his own answer.  In all actuality, I liked this answer the best:

1943

So that got me thinking… what if the Star Wars films really took place in our universe.  Perhaps during the Clone Wars, some Jedi or Sith Lords happened upon or planet, and taught the ancient Egyptians how to build the pyramids?  That would place them at about 5000 years ago.

And maybe what happened in Roswell was a cover up of a long-awaited return visit.

And maybe, just maybe… that’s where the English language came from.

And finally, here’s that period piece map I promised.  Enjoy!

Awesome Battle… The Best Thing George Lucas Ever Imagined

It’s hard to believe that the man who created thisonce upon a time a long time ago created this:

(SIDENOTE, BUT I”M SURE YOU DON’T CARE, BECAUSE YOU’LL NEVER MAKE IT DOWN TO THIS PART DUE TO BEING TOO BUSY CLICKING ON ALL THE ABOVE THUMBNAIL IMAGES: George Lucas didn’t necessarily create the look, but he did want it based upon Frank Frazetta’s paintings.)

Happy Find… A Long Time Ago, In ASCIImation (Plus Star Wars Saved!)

For those of you uninitiated in the ways of the world wide web, ASCII (pronounced ass-KEE) stands for American Standard Code for Information Interchange. 

BASICally, this encompasses all 95 printable characters on your keyboard.  A term more commonly used in the early days of home computing, many pieces of art have been created using ASCII (and summarily ink ribboned out through dot matrix printers and onto continuous sheets).  

Until now, I have not witnessed a masterpiece like this:

 

Never upset a WOOCII...

Never upset a WOOCII...

Okay, the art is sub par, but the site is insane (click here).  It’s (almost) the entire first film animated in ASCIIDOS it help erase the memory of the prequels?  Not quite.  But Rob Bricken of the awesomely nerdy Topless Robot has theories about what went wrong (or did everything go as planned?):

I’ll tell you my greatest nerd theory, which I’m still kind of proud of — regarding the midichlorians from Phantom Menace. Like all of you, I was aghast that the Force had suddenly turned into biology and racked my brain trying to explain it. And I did — I became convinced that (George) Lucas had put it in the movie to suck on purpose. I reasoned that Lucas was intentionally making these early Jedi shitty, to which I also ascribed Qui-Gon’s dickish refusal to un-enslave Anakin’s mom — and that Lucas was trying to tell us these Jedi had lost their way with the Force. They had turned it into a science, forbidden Jedi from loving. Had shitty committee meetings instead of doing good. They’d lost their way, and that’s why they could no longer sense the Dark Side when it was right under their fucking noses. So I figured by the third movie, there was going to be a major moment of revelation as the Jedi were getting destroyed, probably by Yoda, about how they’d screwed up, and in that sense, by destroying the corrupted Jedi, Anakin truly was bringing balance back to the Force. And when Luke restarted the Jedi order, he would embrace the spirituality and the compassion that the Prequel Jedi had forgotten, finishing the work.

If you ASCII me, that sounds about right!