Happy Find… Man Up Your Girly Boy This Halloween

Courtesy of the Onion News Network comes this gem.  What I like best is the part where they’re mean to the kids…

 

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Costume I Never Would Have Thought Of While Awake

Blah blah blah subconscious something something weird dream… I met a man wearing this costume and when I inquired about it, he pulled granite from his pocket, placed it on the last stair and said:

 

 

Drunken Recollection… Two Gorillas Are Better Than One

My cousin Steve and I have matching costumes.  We debuted them last week at my brother’s party.  It was a blast.  The next day, I had another party to attend, but I opted to go as Hipster Jesus.  Another gorilla was there, and my heart broke a little…

 

Musical Musings…  How Do You Kill The Gill Man?

Is this a good song? No.  But does the Monster Mash really deserve being the only Halloween song? (Not counting Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, of course.)

(Lyrics available after the jump)

 

Awful Battle… Worst Halloween Costumes

Take your pick of this litter.  And by litter, I mean trash.  Not like litter of puppies or litter of kittens.  (BTW, they all win the Awful Battle.

 

InASense, Lost… This Sex Toy Bites

Ever hear of the Fleshlight?  Well here’s the Succu-Dry.  And it blows.

 

 

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Did PB Max Get “Discontinued” For Peanut Butter Twix?

 

I loved PB Max almost instantly when it was released in 1990.  It was the companion candy to the caramel Twix bars I’d eat everyday.  (There was a 5¢ mail-in rebate deal on each wrapper, so I binged one summer, sent them all in, and received a $5 check 6-8 weeks later.  You can do the math.)

Anysweettooth, seemingly as quickly as the candy burst on the scene, by th mid-90’s, it was gone.  A couple more years passed and all-of-the-sudden there was a Peanut Butter Twix bar (and the original became Caramel Twix with a capital-C, as you candy C see).

There were claims that the PB Max didn’t make it because the Mars family hated peanut butter.  But lo and behold, they eventually made and continue to make the spin-off to their double-cookie-bar-covered-in-something-coated-in-chocolate classic.

 

Hibbidy-Wah?! What’s Wrong With This Kid?

 

The Shit To Just Shitty… The Adventure Of It All

Whatever happened to all the razor blades in apples and the kidnappings?  The night’s supposed to be scary for kids.  It’s like a PG-13 horror film these days.

 

Worth 1002 Words… My Old Halloween Costume Edition

 

 

(lyrics to Halloween Survival Guide, you know, in case your ears aren’t working)

“Halloween Survival Guide”

written by: The Road

David:
Pop quiz!

Shane & Kent:
Pop quiz?

David:
Pop quiz, hotshot!

Shane:
Say what?

Kent:
Say what?

David:
Pop quiz, hotshot!

How do you kill Dracula? (Wooden stake!)
How do you kill the Wolfman? (Silver bullets!)
How do you kill zombies? (Head trauma!)

How do you kill the ghost? (Exorcism!)
How do you kill Frankenstein? (With fire!)
How do you kill the Mummy? (Brendan Fraser!)

So much better than Van Helsing
So much better than Van Helsing
So much better than Van Helsing
So much better than Van Helsing!

How do you kill witches? (Spring water!)
How do you kill Krueger? (Stay awake!)
How do you kill the Gill Man? (Um…)

Run him over!

So much better than Van Helsing
So much better than Van Helsing
So much better than Van Helsing
So much better than Van Helsing!