JusWondering… What Are These Strawberries Doing On My Nipples?

Usually, one goes to Google to find answers. 

Sometimes in searching, the answers find you.

By merely typing “what a” on the Google search line, the following list springs up:


First off, in regard to the depth and breadth of the selections: awesome. 

That these are the most common searches (swine flu symptoms – twice, primary colors, Michael Jackson’s kids’ names, and hemroids [sic]) speaks volumes about Google users.  But Number One with a Bullet is what my quest will be about.

what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for fruit salad

Well, apparently it’s the title of this book:


So further down the rabbit hole I go, because I don’t believe this book really exists.  Of course, I’m basing that opinion solely on the following Amazon customer reviews:

I had been trying to figure out how the strawberries got there after my frequent blackouts, and this book answered that question for me AND told me where to hide the bodies. Thanks Vanessa! – M. Thompson

I had hoped this would have advise for handling situations where one finds strawberries on various parts of their anatomy. I’ve had strawberries on my buttocks for some time now and don’t know what to do. Unfortunately this book focuses solely on the nipples. Hopefully the author will pen a followup. – Nathan Kemp

This was a good read. Very informative. However I would also like to know what the Honeybaked ham is doing on my navel. – M. Houston

Since I was already down the rabbit hole, I decided to walk through the looking glass, and I found this:

(Vanessa Feltz) often specialised in sex advice, writing for the magazine Men Only, and her sex tips for girls book called “What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!”

It’s on Wikipedia, so it must be true!  And see how specialised has been specialized?  It has an “S” in it instead of a “Z” because she’s British!  This post was written by someone across the pond, and surely they wouldn’t lie!  I’ll even double-check the citation!


It leads me to Amazon’s UK page and this comment:

Upon purchasing it I was dubious, but a quick scan of the first page and I was enlightened in a way that Tibetan monks train a lifetime to achieve. She tells you the whats, whys and hows of having strawberries attached to ones nipples when trying to create a delicious meal… A must have for anyone currently alive or dead… Thanks again Vanessa, you’re a literary genius and possibly the greatest asset mankind has ever had. – sert

Blueberries on Bollocks…