JusWondering… What Are These Strawberries Doing On My Nipples?

Usually, one goes to Google to find answers. 

Sometimes in searching, the answers find you.

By merely typing “what a” on the Google search line, the following list springs up:


First off, in regard to the depth and breadth of the selections: awesome. 

That these are the most common searches (swine flu symptoms – twice, primary colors, Michael Jackson’s kids’ names, and hemroids [sic]) speaks volumes about Google users.  But Number One with a Bullet is what my quest will be about.

what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for fruit salad

Well, apparently it’s the title of this book:


So further down the rabbit hole I go, because I don’t believe this book really exists.  Of course, I’m basing that opinion solely on the following Amazon customer reviews:

I had been trying to figure out how the strawberries got there after my frequent blackouts, and this book answered that question for me AND told me where to hide the bodies. Thanks Vanessa! – M. Thompson

I had hoped this would have advise for handling situations where one finds strawberries on various parts of their anatomy. I’ve had strawberries on my buttocks for some time now and don’t know what to do. Unfortunately this book focuses solely on the nipples. Hopefully the author will pen a followup. – Nathan Kemp

This was a good read. Very informative. However I would also like to know what the Honeybaked ham is doing on my navel. – M. Houston

Since I was already down the rabbit hole, I decided to walk through the looking glass, and I found this:

(Vanessa Feltz) often specialised in sex advice, writing for the magazine Men Only, and her sex tips for girls book called “What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!”

It’s on Wikipedia, so it must be true!  And see how specialised has been specialized?  It has an “S” in it instead of a “Z” because she’s British!  This post was written by someone across the pond, and surely they wouldn’t lie!  I’ll even double-check the citation!


It leads me to Amazon’s UK page and this comment:

Upon purchasing it I was dubious, but a quick scan of the first page and I was enlightened in a way that Tibetan monks train a lifetime to achieve. She tells you the whats, whys and hows of having strawberries attached to ones nipples when trying to create a delicious meal… A must have for anyone currently alive or dead… Thanks again Vanessa, you’re a literary genius and possibly the greatest asset mankind has ever had. – sert

Blueberries on Bollocks…


  1. Dave · October 8, 2009

    I’ve often pondered the information repository (note I do not use the term ‘knowledge’ which contains a underpinning of some sort of usefulness) that we know as GOOGLE. We refer to it almost as a godlike entity, an omniscient being able to provide us with immediate access to whatever questions we pose of it, whether it is a question on flavohaemoglobin oxygen-binding proteins, or who got backstabbed in the latest Big Brother.

    Is it really a good thing to have all this knowledge at our fingertips? Should we indulge our every whim? Does this mean that as a human race, we no longer have to think things through or use logic and common sense? Is there information that we should not have access to for our own protection, physically, mentally and/or emotionally? Is the human race better off now that we have instantaneous access on how to build a luther burger or what people wear to Walmart?

    I don’t have an answer. Maybe you should google it.

  2. James Chen · November 25, 2009

    Now there’s a site about this ridiculous book:

  3. sgottahurt · November 26, 2009

    Is the site yours? If so, you might what to clean up the look a bit… y’know, jazz it up… I’m surprised the URL was available that long…

  4. John · April 29, 2010

    Wow thats awesome

  5. promotion parquet · November 12, 2012

    Hi, just wanted to mention, I loved this post. It was helpful.

    Keep on posting!

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