JusWondering… What Are These Strawberries Doing On My Nipples?

Usually, one goes to Google to find answers. 

Sometimes in searching, the answers find you.

By merely typing “what a” on the Google search line, the following list springs up:

whatarethesestrawberries

First off, in regard to the depth and breadth of the selections: awesome. 

That these are the most common searches (swine flu symptoms – twice, primary colors, Michael Jackson’s kids’ names, and hemroids [sic]) speaks volumes about Google users.  But Number One with a Bullet is what my quest will be about.

what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for fruit salad

Well, apparently it’s the title of this book:

whatarethesestrawberriesbook

So further down the rabbit hole I go, because I don’t believe this book really exists.  Of course, I’m basing that opinion solely on the following Amazon customer reviews:

I had been trying to figure out how the strawberries got there after my frequent blackouts, and this book answered that question for me AND told me where to hide the bodies. Thanks Vanessa! – M. Thompson

I had hoped this would have advise for handling situations where one finds strawberries on various parts of their anatomy. I’ve had strawberries on my buttocks for some time now and don’t know what to do. Unfortunately this book focuses solely on the nipples. Hopefully the author will pen a followup. – Nathan Kemp

This was a good read. Very informative. However I would also like to know what the Honeybaked ham is doing on my navel. – M. Houston

Since I was already down the rabbit hole, I decided to walk through the looking glass, and I found this:

(Vanessa Feltz) often specialised in sex advice, writing for the magazine Men Only, and her sex tips for girls book called “What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!”

It’s on Wikipedia, so it must be true!  And see how specialised has been specialized?  It has an “S” in it instead of a “Z” because she’s British!  This post was written by someone across the pond, and surely they wouldn’t lie!  I’ll even double-check the citation!

Wait. 

It leads me to Amazon’s UK page and this comment:

Upon purchasing it I was dubious, but a quick scan of the first page and I was enlightened in a way that Tibetan monks train a lifetime to achieve. She tells you the whats, whys and hows of having strawberries attached to ones nipples when trying to create a delicious meal… A must have for anyone currently alive or dead… Thanks again Vanessa, you’re a literary genius and possibly the greatest asset mankind has ever had. – sert

Blueberries on Bollocks…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… USPS

Established in 1775 by Benjamin Franklin, the United States Postal Service was a necessity.  People wanted to get messages to each other, and due to the Great Falcon Shortage of 1772 and the Mass Page Suicide Pact of 1774, providing this service was a must.  Though many people who “know” history will “claim” the Great Falcon Shortage and Mass Page Suicide Pact never happened, this truth remains – the US Postal Service was The Shit.

"Get yer hope right hyere..."

"Get yer hope right hyere..."

 Think about it.  How else did people communicate?  By talking face-to-face and… um, by telling somebody else to send a message.

Sometimes they ring four times...

Sometimes they ring four times...

In our modern age, we forget how essential the USPS was to building our country, and I don’t want to go into specifics (mostly because I don’t feel like looking them up), but according to – who else – Wikipedia:

Employing 656,000 workers and 260,000 vehicles, it is the second-largest civilian employer in the United States (after Walmart) and the operator of the largest civilian vehicle fleet in the world.

So the question that remains – how have they become Just Shitty?

Is it a sense that they aren’t as vital to our country anymore, given that we have other methods of communication, bill paying, and package sending?

Or are my feelings strictly personal?  The USPS was afterall responsible for these deliveries:

img_1067

Strike 1...

usps

Strike 2...

Awful Battle… Who’s The Badder Bad Guy?

This might not be much of a battle, but it’s certainly about a pair of awful people!  Without further hesitation, allow me to introduce you to:

Thomas Midgley, Jr.

"First the atmosphere, then the world!"

"First the atmosphere, then the world!"

Powers: Mechanical engineer and chemist that attended Cornell

Crimes Against Humanity: Discovered dichlorodifluoromethane (the CFC dubbed Freon) and added tetraethyllead to gasoline (and called it “Ethyl” even though it was essentially “lead”)… We all know what CFC’s did to the ozone and what lead does to people.  According to a unnamed source on Listverse (apparently Wikipedia):

He is considered to be the man that – “had more impact on the atmosphere than any other single organism in Earth’s history.”

Current Whereabouts: The ground.  He died in 1944 after getting tangled in the cords of a contraption… that he designed.

Thomas Leopold

threesome

A dose of his own radioactive medicine.

Powers: Radioactive (after being given radioactive iodine, natch)

Crimes Against Humanity: Well… the dude’s a pedophile.  He’s been charged with five accounts of downloading indecent pics of kids since 2006, and 87 prior to that, but the extra crap part is this:

In 1993 he left the banking world to set up The Tutors Group at Blythe Hall School.  It employs more than 600 staff and works with more than 3,000 children, teaching infants to A-level students study skills, essay planning and examination technique.  (via DailyMail UK)

Current Whereabouts: Unknown.  He escaped trial and was almost captured on his way to Ireland from England, but he flashed his radioactive card and they released him.  Let’s see… this happened a long time ago, way, way back in… February.  Of this year.  Yikes!

AWFUL BATTLE… GO!

Drunken Recollection… Nuclear Urine For Jellyfish?

Known for: being a fair-weather fan, squishy

Known for being: poisonous, squishy, a fair-weather fan

Who’s says you can’t learn new things when you’re drinking?  Time and again, when I make a point to remember the revelations experienced despite the buckets of booze in my system, chances are pretty decent I won’t forget.

For example: last night at trivia, a question we’ve had before reared it’s head.

Q: What type of bird is most commonly used as a state bird?  It’s currently used by seven states.
A: Cardinals.

I don’t know this.  But I remembered it.

Just like I remember finding out that there’s a minor league baseball team in Albuquerque called the Isotopes.  I did not previously know this, but I knew it had to be named after the team in The Simpsons.  I did not remember that in one episode of the show, the home team was supposed to move to Albuquerque, but now I know via Wikipedia, and it makes their name choice that much less arbitrary and forgivable (sorry about the drunken tirade, Isotopes!)

Another thing I was forced to investigate after another drunken tirade was the notion of urinating on yourself after being stung by a jellyfish.  Much debate was given on whether it had to be your pee, someone else’s pee, if it could be a beer piss, etc.

These are some facts things I discovered:

  • Urine can help.
  • Urine doesn’t do anything.
  • Urine can make things worse.

Soooo… hopefully I won’t encounter any jellyfish when I vacation in Mexico later this year.  Now I know that I don’t know anything for sure, but I probably wouldn’t let someone pee on me, or me on myself, just in case.  I just hope I remember that when I’m on the beach – and drunk.

InASense, Lost… Furries (The If’s, And’s, & Yiff’s)

(UPDATE: Check out pic at the end.)

When I begin to investigate the nature of something which I do not initially understand, I take a deep breath, and prepare myself for the unexpected.  As is the case with the concept of furries, I took a deeper breath, and held onto it for dear life.  Who knew what I’d find.

To begin, allow me to share what prompted this study (via AOTS):

Whenever someone goes to painstaking lengths (I say painstaking because I’m lazy, you see) to create, um, a recreation of this calibre for no real reason, my curiosity is peaked.  Why would anybody make their own version of Dick in a Box for one?  For two – why as anthropomorphic animals?

Immediately, I went to the best source of all truth and accuracy on the web – Mr. Wikipedia himself.  And right off the bat, I was amazed to discover what I understood about furries was completely off.  I’ll get to that in a second.

My opinions had changed because my perception had been changed:

Originally, I had believed that all furries were sexual in nature and creepy in general, and my reaction to the above videos was not cast in a favorable light.  But according to Ms. Wikipedia (I changed my mind about the site’s gender as well, because she’s always right), I learned this:

Many members of the furry community feel that the overly sexual component gives the rest of them a bad name, and may use the derogatory term “furvert” to describe such people…

The term “yiff” is most commonly used to indicate sexual activity or sexual material within the fandom—this applies to sexual activity and interaction within the subculture whether online (in the form of cybersex) or offline…

Most furry fans claim that these media portrayals are misconceptions, while the recent coverage focuses on debunking myths and stereotypes that have come to be associated with the furry fandom…

So as it turns out, those videos aren’t sexual in nature.  They’re just creepy in general. 

(I’m kidding, of course, because who am I to judge.  Do you realize how difficult it is to type with paws?)

He should have been an Ewok.

He should have been an Ewok.

Drunken Recollection… Supercalifrag-Religion-Expialidocious

Religion would not seem to be a great topic of conversation while imbibing libations, but in my group of friends… well, you can only tell so many bathroom horror stories.

Since all of us (pretty much) were born and raised Catholics, all of us (pretty much) are no longer.  So topics about what we are, where we’ll go, and how many blue cars there are come up often.  One of the common ones – which bands are religious and claim/pretend not to be.

Recently, it was brought up about this band, and this album, and the song Shine:

Whoa... heaven let your light shine down.

Whoa... heaven let your light shine down.

Does it mean they are religious?  Quite the opposite.  From their Wikipedia page:

Ed Roland was reading Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead and came across the phrase “collection of souls.” Although author Ayn Rand actually uses the phrase in a negative connotation, using the “collective soul” as a threat to the main character’s sense of individualism, Ed is quick to point out, “…we’re not preaching Ayn Rand, objectivism, egoism, or anything…we just dug the name…” and “it [the band’s name] could’ve come out of a Motorcycle Magazine.”

There have been other bands we’ve accused, such as Vertical Horizon (because their name describes a cross, but they seem like a basic college band), The Fray (made up of non-proselytizing Christians), Lifehouse (started as Christian band called Blyss, but they’re no longer that way) , and Switchfoot (name comes from surfing, but they have played Christian rock concerts).  It’s interesting that none of them claim to be 100% Christian Rock bands (because how else could they sell to the masses, so to speak).

I just think they’re afraid to be associated with this kind of stuff:

(via the incredible Everything is Terrible)

And in the same way, could I say I enjoyed their music if they were considered CCM (Contempory Christian Music)?

F OSU... Y not YMCA?

Why OHIO? Why not YMCA?

My Heart(s) All A Twitter

There’s some things that are popular that I get, and there are somethings I don’t.  Then there are some I’m afraid to look too into out of fear of never escaping.  Such a curious mind can leave you with dementied brain dents you can never straighten out (I have four – FOUR* – images burnt into my retinas that will never leave me just because I had to go poking around on the TripleDoubleU).  And then there’s always the possibility of addiction (see my Songsmith post below).

And that, dear friends, is why I avoid things like Facebook and Twitter.  This WordPress blog is consuming enough.  One of my friends, Aaron, just started a Facebook profile and he’s spiraling down the drain like a dead goldfish in a toilet.

What I decided to do was test out the concept of Twitter, which is mini-blog you maintain through out the day.  How about you better explain it, Mr. Wiki:

Twitter is a free social networking and micro-blogging service that allows its users to send and read other users’ updates (otherwise known as tweets), which are text-based posts of up to 140 characters in length.

Okay, so pretty much what I said, not counting that mini vs. micro prefix.  So to illustrate how busy I am on a random day at work, allow me to present my Twitter test run.

10:35amI’m at a client cleaning spyware.  Hearts kicked my ass, but not bad enough for me to quit.  Is it bad that I quit when I’m losing?

11:27am – I answered questions after figuring out what was asked.  I held a door for a woman and she said there are still gentlemen in this world.

11:45amI was going to let a semi merge in front of me on freeway.  I used to battle truckers.  Since I’m nice now I think they look out for me.

12:02pmAt office, a minivan took its sweet time parking so I cut it off for the good spot.  So much for being a gentleman.  I had 2 pc’s to carry.

12:21pmProper restroom etiquette occurred whilst kids dropped off at pool.  Cannot linger when another is in the stall… it’s just not cool.

12:38pmHave to upgrade my copy of Quickbooks, but CD is in another pc.  Too lazy to get up.  Remoting in to share drive and install.  Win!

1:06pmAt Taco Bell (‘natch) some dude stole my cheesy double beef burritos from counter!  Was it a scam or coincidence?  I’m thinking scam.

1:39pmAt Best Buy wrestled with buying Prince of Persia for $40.  Prince of Persia won.

2:13pmMeaning to look into Drunken Recollection from last night.  Does blood thin in summer and thicken in winter?  Nurse/cousin Liz says no.

2:15pm –  Nurse/cousin Liz is right: http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C0CE4DE1630F935A35751C0A966958260

2:31pmDave at work asks if I’d rather see Donkey Punch (again) or Street Fighter Chun Li.  I pick Donkey Punch.

2:32pmDave then asks if I’d rather see Donkey Punch or Tyler Perry movie.  I say Family that Preys got good reviews, so that, but not Madea.

2:33pmDave then asks if I’d rather see Street Fighter or Pink Panther 2.  I say Pink Panther… barely.

2:54 pmA brand new pc’s Windows is missing so I run the restore.  While it’s restoring, I work on this entry.  I think I might like Twitter.

*Some may say “Just four?” but these four are enough for me.