Musical Musings… Strange Songs About Other Singers

I don’t know what made me think of this list.  And I promise you, it will not be anywhere near as insightful as this article.

In fact, I won’t even cover one of those on that list… which shortens my considerably (really, all I would have included were John Lennon/Paul McCartney tracks, and maybe a Foo Fighters tune).

So without further adieu, here are some Strange Songs About Other Singers.

  • SONG: For Squirrel’s Mighty K.C.
  • ABOUT: Kurt Cobain
  • WHY IT’S STRANGE: It’s not a particularly good song, for one.  For two, this group faced a tragedy not long after this song was released – an automobile accident claimed the lives of two band members.
  • SONG: The Commodores’ Nightshift
  • ABOUT: Jackie Wilson & Marvin Gaye
  • WHY IT’S STRANGE: It’s really not strange.  But it’s strange amidst this list.
  • SONG: ABC’S When Smokey Sings
  • ABOUT: Smokey Robinson
  • WHY IT’S STRANGE: It’s a weird new wave song about an artist who was still on the charts!  (Smokey had a concurrent hit with One Heartbeat.)

Worth 1002 Words… This Couldn’t Have Been The Real Poster?* Edition

Boldly Gone

Some alternates:

  • Whale Tale
  • Captain Quirk
  • Vulcan Frisco
  • Set Gay-zers…
  • …To Stunning!

*Yes, it was one of the posters for the fourth Star Trek film.

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… What’s With All These Strange Songs About Family Members?

Harken back in time, my friends, to the year 1996, years before this website existed.  Relive the days when “blog” was a misspelling of “bologna”; experience the moments before Al Gore began his work inventing the TripleDoubleU… (P.S. click on the song’s names below to see the video)

I predict this CD will stand the test of time.

Time spent shopping for cassettes has never been… weirder.  Don’t get me wrong – I like these songs musically.  And even the hooks seemed fine.  But upon repeated hearings in my truck, I’m not so sure these songs about family members are healthy.

This song at first seems like a lovely ode from a brother to a sister, but check out some of these lyrics:

Half of me breathes in you/ Thoughts of love remain true

Entwined you and I / Our souls speak from across the miles

I considered putting this song in my pocket to play at my own sisters’ weddings (if they ever get married), but I think I’ll pass.

Everybody knows this fine ditty.  Little Tracy isn’t too happy with her life, and she’s taking it out on her poor poor mother mother.

Sure, this song is about two years old, but not only does it suck – IT’S NOT EVEN TRUE!  Juliana Hatfield is an only child!  If only I had some way to prove it…  (Seriously, this song is horrible!)

Talk about depressing!  (And irony by using an explanation point.  By the way, I wish people would be more ironic.  It’s so funny!)  This song from a three years back is about child abuse and kids with learning disorders, which thankfully, is still rare.  Once again, depressing!

Obvious story from a decade ago.  (Man, does time fly, or what?)  Girl gets “with child”… gets in fight “with papa”… I think that’s what it’s about, at least.  You could probably read more into it.  You could probably read less into it, too.

Another song about sisters… this time in the form of a cautionary tale about becoming a whore.  Released two years prior to Papa Don’t Preach (which is surprising considering its sound style), it could have been better titled, Brother Don’t Preach.

There are no songs I could think of that had brother in the title or son…

…maybe because most brothers and sons are healthy.

(SIDENOTE: I “finished” this blog post a year before Everclear’s Father of Mine was released in 1997, otherwise it, too, would have been included…)

Hibbidy-Wah?! Gimme My (Sister’s) Cabbage Patch Any Day….

I was originally going to right about the undercurrent of wrongness in these real video games:

Is the horse talking in the title of this game?

How about you say, "I Really Like..." instead?

But then I found these:

Bring me back to "I Love Horses!"

They’re called Reborn Dolls.

"They're coming to get you, Barbara..." is stuck in my head, for some reason.

And I guess they’re the exact opposite – and somehow the equivalent – of RealDolls (NSFW BTW).

Welcome to Uncanny Valley, Population: 1

I’d write more, but they’re creeping me out!

Awful Battle… (Evil) Weight Scales

The weight scale in the bathroom of my mother’s house is, I’ve decided, completely evil.

I’m not one to really watch my #’s, but I have a mild curiosity about it whenever I stop by.

The thing is, her scale lies.  It flat-out lies.  It might be trying to make you feel better, but at first step, it electronically informs you that you weigh X pounds.  Then when you step on it the second time, immediately following that initial reading, the red LED’s read X+4.  So in reality, you weigh Y, so X equals Y-4.  (I need a shirt that says “I Love Algebra” to go along with my “I Love Puns” shirt that I want.)

That being said, in honor of Halloween, let this war of Evil Weight Scales commence!

AWFUL BATTLE… GO!

Hibbidy-Wah?! Why Didn’t These Tips Work For Me?

Self-help videos may be a thing of the past (YouTube anyone?), but they were vital to making me the me I am today.  I’m the best kisser anyone knows, and I can take down the biggest bullies just long enough to run away in a hurry.  Want to know what I know?  Check these videos out!

(I love you, Everything is Terrible!)

JusWondering… What Are These Strawberries Doing On My Nipples?

Usually, one goes to Google to find answers. 

Sometimes in searching, the answers find you.

By merely typing “what a” on the Google search line, the following list springs up:

whatarethesestrawberries

First off, in regard to the depth and breadth of the selections: awesome. 

That these are the most common searches (swine flu symptoms – twice, primary colors, Michael Jackson’s kids’ names, and hemroids [sic]) speaks volumes about Google users.  But Number One with a Bullet is what my quest will be about.

what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for fruit salad

Well, apparently it’s the title of this book:

whatarethesestrawberriesbook

So further down the rabbit hole I go, because I don’t believe this book really exists.  Of course, I’m basing that opinion solely on the following Amazon customer reviews:

I had been trying to figure out how the strawberries got there after my frequent blackouts, and this book answered that question for me AND told me where to hide the bodies. Thanks Vanessa! – M. Thompson

I had hoped this would have advise for handling situations where one finds strawberries on various parts of their anatomy. I’ve had strawberries on my buttocks for some time now and don’t know what to do. Unfortunately this book focuses solely on the nipples. Hopefully the author will pen a followup. – Nathan Kemp

This was a good read. Very informative. However I would also like to know what the Honeybaked ham is doing on my navel. – M. Houston

Since I was already down the rabbit hole, I decided to walk through the looking glass, and I found this:

(Vanessa Feltz) often specialised in sex advice, writing for the magazine Men Only, and her sex tips for girls book called “What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!”

It’s on Wikipedia, so it must be true!  And see how specialised has been specialized?  It has an “S” in it instead of a “Z” because she’s British!  This post was written by someone across the pond, and surely they wouldn’t lie!  I’ll even double-check the citation!

Wait. 

It leads me to Amazon’s UK page and this comment:

Upon purchasing it I was dubious, but a quick scan of the first page and I was enlightened in a way that Tibetan monks train a lifetime to achieve. She tells you the whats, whys and hows of having strawberries attached to ones nipples when trying to create a delicious meal… A must have for anyone currently alive or dead… Thanks again Vanessa, you’re a literary genius and possibly the greatest asset mankind has ever had. – sert

Blueberries on Bollocks…