True Facts I Made Up… The Truth Behind Billie Jean

Every once in a while on this great planet a person with no discernible talent rises like a comet toward the outskirts of fame, and instead crashes like a meteor toward infamy.  This was the trajectory Kim Kardashian and George W. Bush were destined to follow, but our modern media changed their outcomes.

The same can’t be said about Billie Jean.  (Thanks modern media.)

Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz, circa 1980

Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz, circa 1980, imitating the practice that would make her a legend

Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz*, better known only as Billie Jean, was born some time in the 60’s to a mother and father that named her.  She always had dreams of making it big in Hollywood, and once she got too big for Hollywood, Ohio, she moved to Los Angeles to chase bigger dreams… and the stuff of legend.

At the ripe age of legal, she found her way into many celebrity circles, and more specifically, into many celebrities’ beds… some of which happened to be circle in shape.  Many Two singers sang about their exploits involving Ms. Mousekewitz:

Some even suggest that Tommy Tutone’s scandalous Jenny was one of her pet names (Billy Jenny):

A movie was made based on The Legend of Billie Jean, but it was a tongue-in-cheek reference to her true story:

You can't make a movie about

Nobody would sign off on it.

The biggest reason that Billie Jean is known among the Hollywood elite is for her coining of this phrase:

Who do I gotta blow to get a _______ around here?

She said it all the time, and she meant it, whether it was a part in a film that she wanted, or a cheeseburger from Carl’s Jr.  And that’s the untold true story behind Billie Jean.

*(It’s been said that her last name also inspired the story that became An American Tail.  The pun was on purpose.)

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Musical Musings… Strange Songs About Other Singers

I don’t know what made me think of this list.  And I promise you, it will not be anywhere near as insightful as this article.

In fact, I won’t even cover one of those on that list… which shortens my considerably (really, all I would have included were John Lennon/Paul McCartney tracks, and maybe a Foo Fighters tune).

So without further adieu, here are some Strange Songs About Other Singers.

  • SONG: For Squirrel’s Mighty K.C.
  • ABOUT: Kurt Cobain
  • WHY IT’S STRANGE: It’s not a particularly good song, for one.  For two, this group faced a tragedy not long after this song was released – an automobile accident claimed the lives of two band members.
  • SONG: The Commodores’ Nightshift
  • ABOUT: Jackie Wilson & Marvin Gaye
  • WHY IT’S STRANGE: It’s really not strange.  But it’s strange amidst this list.
  • SONG: ABC’S When Smokey Sings
  • ABOUT: Smokey Robinson
  • WHY IT’S STRANGE: It’s a weird new wave song about an artist who was still on the charts!  (Smokey had a concurrent hit with One Heartbeat.)

JusWondering… What Are These Strawberries Doing On My Nipples?

Usually, one goes to Google to find answers. 

Sometimes in searching, the answers find you.

By merely typing “what a” on the Google search line, the following list springs up:

whatarethesestrawberries

First off, in regard to the depth and breadth of the selections: awesome. 

That these are the most common searches (swine flu symptoms – twice, primary colors, Michael Jackson’s kids’ names, and hemroids [sic]) speaks volumes about Google users.  But Number One with a Bullet is what my quest will be about.

what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for fruit salad

Well, apparently it’s the title of this book:

whatarethesestrawberriesbook

So further down the rabbit hole I go, because I don’t believe this book really exists.  Of course, I’m basing that opinion solely on the following Amazon customer reviews:

I had been trying to figure out how the strawberries got there after my frequent blackouts, and this book answered that question for me AND told me where to hide the bodies. Thanks Vanessa! – M. Thompson

I had hoped this would have advise for handling situations where one finds strawberries on various parts of their anatomy. I’ve had strawberries on my buttocks for some time now and don’t know what to do. Unfortunately this book focuses solely on the nipples. Hopefully the author will pen a followup. – Nathan Kemp

This was a good read. Very informative. However I would also like to know what the Honeybaked ham is doing on my navel. – M. Houston

Since I was already down the rabbit hole, I decided to walk through the looking glass, and I found this:

(Vanessa Feltz) often specialised in sex advice, writing for the magazine Men Only, and her sex tips for girls book called “What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!”

It’s on Wikipedia, so it must be true!  And see how specialised has been specialized?  It has an “S” in it instead of a “Z” because she’s British!  This post was written by someone across the pond, and surely they wouldn’t lie!  I’ll even double-check the citation!

Wait. 

It leads me to Amazon’s UK page and this comment:

Upon purchasing it I was dubious, but a quick scan of the first page and I was enlightened in a way that Tibetan monks train a lifetime to achieve. She tells you the whats, whys and hows of having strawberries attached to ones nipples when trying to create a delicious meal… A must have for anyone currently alive or dead… Thanks again Vanessa, you’re a literary genius and possibly the greatest asset mankind has ever had. – sert

Blueberries on Bollocks…

Awful Battle… Crappy Movie Endings That Are (Surprise!) Crappy

It’s been said that a movie’s ending will make or break it.  In the case of these films, they were already broken, so the finales bring it on home.

AWFUL BATTLE… ACTION!

American Anthem

Don’t let the pectacular stud on the poster fool you, this ending is full of non-sequiturs.  Apparently, this film featured like 100 characters and required as many asides, glances, and incidents of closure.  Don’t believe me about the amount of reaction shots?  Look out for:

  • the creepy coach with dentures
  • moustached gymnasts
  • a mentally-challenged (?) wolfman-ish brother (?)
  • an 80’s rocker girl
  • Ocean Spray logos
  • smoking hands
  • the bad kid from Karate Kid
  • a Santa Claus biker with his child sidekick
  • lots of thumbs-ups
  • the return of an absentee (possibly recovering alcoholic) father
  • flashing lights
  • an army of gay bikers
  • Mary Lou Retton (?)
  • Little Orphan Annie
american_anthem

Click Poster For Video

Locusts

Made for CBS in 2005, at first viewing, you would think this film was intending to be a tongue-in-cheek comedy.  According to iMDB IMDb, these are the categories it falls under:

Action | Sci-Fi | Horror | Drama | Thriller

With scenes like this it’s hard to believe, but with an ending like the one below, I’m thinking IMDb is full of kidders.

locusts

Click Poster For Video

R.O.T.O.R.

What can I add to the splendor of the horror that is this inept piece of cinema.  Oh yeah.  R.O.T.O.R. stands for: Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research.  The flick’s poster is more robotic than the robot in the film, and it’s made of paper.

rotor_poster

Click Poster For Video

Student Confidential

This one already made it’s way around the TripleDoubleU, but it has to be included in this Awful Battle.  Creepy must hang in the air around any of the Jackson family… in this case, it’s Michael’s brother, Marlon.

studentconfidential

You Know What To Do

Musical Musings… My Top Ten List Of 80’s Remakes

So many comments, so little time.  (See below*)

So many comments, so little time. (See below*)

A couple months ago, I showcased my friend/boss Paul’s top five punk covers of 80’s rock bands, but I feel he missed out on some other fine remakes by focusing solely on the punk versions. 

I didn’t and still don’t agree with his number one selection, and although two of his choices made my top ten list, he’s little bit out of touch with the alternative music scene of late.  I’m not claiming to be any wunderkind either, but here are ten of my favorite reinventions/redos/remakes/reboots… whatever it is that Hollywood calls them. 

Let me know in the comments if I missed any.

10) No Doubt – It’s My Life (original by Talk Talk)
Probably the last good song No Doubt made, and will ever make, and it’s not even their own.

9) Seether – Careless Whisper (original by Wham!)
Cool video.  Not sure if it’s official.

8) Alien Ant Farm – Smooth Criminal (original by Michael Jackson, duh)
Paul put this at #5 of 5.  See where I rank it.  I think the leader singer’s weirdness in the video puts me off, but the homages to MJ’s life bring me back.

7) HIM – Wicked Game (original by Chris Isaak)
The original is a haunting song.  HIM is a haunting band.  Win.

6) The Ataris – Boys of Summer (original by Don Henley)
The Ataris once said in an interview I don’t feel like relocating that they wanted to remake this song to point out the creepiness inherent in it.  I never noticed it was creepy until they mentioned it, and that made me love both versions more.

5) Nonpoint – In the Air Tonight (original by Phil Collins)
The gorilla says it all for me.

4) Disturbed – Land of Confusion (original by Genesis)
Likewise, the puppets say it all for me.

3) Orgy – Blue Monday (original by New Order)
This isn’t really my kind of music (neither version).  And the fact that I dig it despite that speaks volumes.

2) Marilyn Manson – Tainted Love (original by Soft Cell)
Who am I kidding?  The video sold me.  Chyler Leigh, Mia Kirshner, and Jaime Pressly will cancel out Manson every time.

1) Limp Bizkit – Faith (original by George Michael)
I make no apologies for this.  I had a weird story happen over the course of listening to this song, and for that, it gets number one.  And now for the comments on the pic at the top of the post:

* COMMENTS
“I don’t know who pulls off the leather better.  I’d bet it’s a tie.”
“Is George Michael smelling his armpit?”
“Why does Fred Durst look like one of my uncles now?  They even wear the same jacket!”
“Why do I get the feeling these two have awkwardly bumped into each other using the restroom.”
“something-something… at least he’s wearing a glove!”

Finis.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Fire From The Past (Michael Jackson) Meet Fire Now (I-75)

Let me know if I’m crazy or not for catching this coincidence…

The video of Michael Jackson’s hair catching on fire is released the same day that a bridge catches on fire in Hazel Park, Michigan.

Video for those out of the loop:

  • MJ’s hair caught on fire in 1984 while filming a Pepsi commercial. 
  • The fire in Hazel Park occurred at I-75 and 9 Mile. 
  • 75+9=84

BONUS COINKYDINK:

In My Brain While Sleeping… Camping Is Not A Good Time For Nightmares

This post could have easily turned into a Drunken Recollection, considering the amount of beers downed over my time camping.  As I explained to my sister, when I was on a cruise, I had documentation of how quickly I could finish a drink: every 15 minutes.  She didn’t believe me, so she checked the clock on her phone and timed me.  I didn’t rush.  I casually chatted and played ladder golf.  11 minutes.  I’m not proud.  Well, maybe a little.

Anylowenbrau, both nights while in my tent, I was awakened with a start.  Was it the booze?  Was it the location?  Who cares knows, but both dealt with unstoppable killers.

The first night’s dream started off okay.  It featured the lovely Julie Bowen.

julie_bowen-edit

I tried. She changed her number.

Sure, she was breaking up with me, but I was keeping calm.  I remember saying, “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t still love me.”  And she couldn’t.  So WIN!

Somebody was trying to interview me about my latest book, and we kept trying to move to quieter areas in the nightclub.  Eventually, we were in the alley, where my car was parked.  The trunk was open, and a sewer portal was running through it.

The interviewer spotted a mining cap and pick axe and reached for it.  I warned him not too, and that’s when this guy appeared:

sewerguy

Pote Snitkin cleans up pretty nice.

At least that’s the closest approximation of the horror that chased me.  And he would not stop.  At one point, I was on a roof top, and as he darted at me, he ran into a wall and fell over the side of the building.

Feeling safe, I proceeded to climb down the ladder not far from his crushed face and distorted body.  As I neared the ground, he smiled and started sitting up.  I woke up immediately.

The next night, my cousin’s stepson was telling me about this video showing the ghost of Michael Jackson.  People that know me and/or keep up on this site know how I feel about ghosts.  But I was determined not to let a ten year old see my eyes well up.  Luckily, upon returning home, I discovered this explanation of the “phenomenon”:

But it still didn’t help the fact that the second night, I had a dream I was driving around at night and saw a bunch of people running in the streets.  Cars were hitting people and they were flying everywhere.  I saw the UPS guy that brings PC deliveries to our office get struck, so I stopped my car to check on him.  As I did, a big zombie burly guy in a jump suit appeared behind me and shanked me – another one of my greatest fears.

This dream woke me in the middle of the night.  I had to pee, but I had no flashlight.  I went anyway.  It proves I’m a big boy.  I can handle anything.

Except MJ’s ghost…

Not good timing, at all...

Not good timing, at all...