What A Bunch Of Duck-ing Ice Holes!*

So this happened at the University of Oregon

For the record, it doesn’t look fun or funny.  But if someone was playing Winter Wonderland on a boombox… (daydreams… considers mixing the Youtube video)… no, still not funny.


*The school’s team is the Ducks, in case you were pundering.


Hibbidy-Wah?! Run Away From This App!

So let me get to the point – Google has an ad for their new Maps app.  Let’s take a peak:

Google Maps takes you to Detroit?!  That’s what they want to represent?

The Detroit I see in the ad is one I’d like to visit, but three break-ins in three months got me to move out of there.  And now the city is as bankrupt as its government officials were when it comes to morals and serving the people.

Nice try at being edgy, Google.  If you love downtown so much, why don’t you move your offices from Ann Arbor to the Motor City?

You can’t, eh?  Oh.  It’s because you’re using Apple Maps.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Can This Be (Pause Like Chandler) Anymore Outdated?!

1992 doesn’t sound that long ago (unless you were born in or after that year of course), but this anti-piracy ad certainly dates the date:

Speaking of outdated, check out this meeting of the old and the new.  The ending before the ending is pretty good, and of course, so is the middle.  If you’ve never heard Leonard Nimoy singing the original version of the song he’s singing (no spoiler), then click here.  Otherwise, enjoy:

Hibbidy-Wah?! Amazon Banana Slicer Amazingness!

Initially, I was going to write about this bath salts warning video, but upon finding out about this, I couldn’t resist…


This is the original picture. Wait for the "original pictures."

This is the original picture. Wait for the “original pictures.”

Apparently, many people have taken great joy in usurping this product’s listing on Amazon.  You can check it all out here, but these are some highlights:


All my bananas curve the wrong way to use the slicer. (CAPTION FROM SITE)

All my bananas curve the wrong way to use the slicer. (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Minds blown... (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)


Great product, but don't get it mixed up with the banana! (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Great product, but don’t get it mixed up with the banana! (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)


Mine didn’t come with instructions, so I’m returning it. Also, call me when they make one that gives you smaller slices. -Pen Name

No more winning for you, Mr. Banana! For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story. Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon. -SW3K

I’m SO glad Hutzler came out with a plastic, dishwasher-safe version with this model (571). Finally! A banana slicer that’s TSA approved for airline travel in your carry-on luggage. With baggage-check fees being so high, I try to avoid checking bags whenever possible, but I just couldn’t travel without my (360-series) stainless steel banana slicer. But now, problem solved!!!! Travel with the plastic 571 version and no checked-baggage fees! No more having to use coffee stirrers from the hotel coffee service to slice my breakfast banana! You can even use it in-flight if you remember to buy a banana from Starbucks before you board. This will be perfect for our trip to Ecuador this summer!!!! Would have gotten 5 stars if it came with a carrying case to keep it clean. -Chryssa Jones

Waiting for 671 to buy. Need one of these *very badly* but anxious that as soon as I buy one… the next model will be out, what with all the new features and such. Don’t know if it is worth the wait, or if I will be disappointed with my 571 when all my friends have the 671? any thoughts? -rrrabbitt “rrrabbitt”

Hibbidy-Wah?! How Much Bacteria Is In Us?!

Want to be grossed out?  Guess how much bacteria exists in the average human body?

The human body carries more than 100 trillion bacteria – up to five pounds of the tiny single-celled organisms.

Together, all of the bacteria in the body would be the size of a large liver, and in many ways, scientists say, the microbiome behaves as another organ in the human body.

So… the amount of bacteria in EACH OF OUR BODIES roughly equals this:

Too abstract?

Too abstract?

How about this?

Too tasty?

Too tasty?

Perchance this?

Too tempting?

Too tempting?

Maybe this will bring it home:

Too obsolete?

Too obsolete?

Hibbidy-Wah?! OMFG! There’s No F—in’ Way This Could Ever Happen!!

This show looks like absolute vodka shit.

It is called… Made in Jersey, and it will air on See B.S.… I mean, CBS.

The premise is stupid simple.  A girl woman from New Jersey becomes – wait for it – a lawyer!  Crazy, right?

Check out these awful promos.  As a bonus, they’re extra confusing because one introduces the actress playing the character, whereas the other just introduces the character.  Why do we need to know the actress?  This show won’t last.  And her dreams will be unceremoniously dashed against the Jersey shore…

Introducing Janet Montgomery (the actress):

Meet Martina Garretti (the character):

Nice timing, too, because every body is sooooo into New Jersey right now…

Hibbidy-Wah?! Handball Is A Thing?

Apparently, the facility at which I play indoor soccer is going to start offering handball.  Also apparently, I’m joining a handball team.

What is handball, you ask?

It’s like whirlyball without bumper cars and jai alai scoops.

No, it’s more like lacrosse without sticks (whatever they’re called) and helmets.

No, it’s definitely basketball without any rules and you shoot at a tall hockey net instead of a basket.  Yeah, that’s exactly it.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Don’t They Realize This Song Is About A One Night Stand?

I always imagined that Bruno Mars wrote Marry You as a tongue-planted-firmly-in-cheek ditty, as if to say:

Girl, I want you so bad, I’ll even marry you…

Am I wrong?  Here are the lyrics.  With a line like:

If we wake up and you
Wanna break up, that’s cool

Maybe I’m old-fashioned… or it means something different in Portland:


Hibbidy-Wah?! Pink Slime, Bugs In Coffee, And Now This!

By now, everyone’s heard about pink slime.  boring.  (It’s so boring I didn’t even feel like capitalizing the B.)

And you may or may not have heard that a bug called the Polish cochineal (insert joke here)is used as a food and drink color dye called carmine.  The bug looks like this:

The drawing is easier to stomach... so to speak.

The big reveal was that Starbucks (heavens!) was using the dead beetle dye to color one of their strawberry drinks.

I told you so.

So what’s the next thing that’s going to shock us?  It’d have to be big.  Big like finding out Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, who have been happily married for 23 years, are – I don’t know – related.

They are "The Closer" than they thought. (<----Much better than a "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" joke.)