JusWondering… A New Years Resolution Revolution!

Hurry up people of the TripleDoubleU!  Hurry up people of the celeb mags and celeb shows!  Our time is ticking down to put together our Best Of’s… and Top Ten’s… and New Years Resolutions’s’s’s…’s…

For me, I never quite understood what it meant to make a New Years Resolution,  so I looked up the word “resolution.”  According to TheFreeDictionary (since I didn’t feel like getting up to grab a real dictionary), in the middle of a bunch of words I didn’t feel like reading, this phrase popped out at me:

An explanation, as of a problem or puzzle; a solution

New Years is about solving problems?!  I never knew that!  Consider that my first problem solved for 2009.  Or would it be my last one in 2008…?

Here’s a Best Of What Could Have Been on a Top Ten List of Problems I Will Get To the Bottom Of in 2009:

1) Why do eyelashes have to hurt so much when they get in your eye?  I understand their purpose is to keep other garbage off our orbs, but this is tantamount to sleeping in a bed surrounded by swords to keep monsters away.  If some dusteroid is about crash on your cornea, eyelids are your last line of defense – not barbed hairs.

Bed sores to the next level

Bed sores to the next level (x-treme!)

2) Why do socks come packaged in a Ziplock bag like they’re deli lunch meat?  Do they go stale?  Is that why feet can get stinky?  Is there an expiration date I’m unaware of?  (All to be resolved in 2009.)

Feet meet Meat?

Feet meet Meat?

3) How do you go about getting a job as a Going Out Of Business Sign Holder, or as one of those people that look through View-Masters at people holding sticks across the street?  Are they employed by the store that’s closing?  Are they new hires?  Do they go through an agency like Bret did on “Flight of the Conchords?”  And as for surveyors – what the heck are they doing out there?

She's thinking she needs a new loveseat...

She's thinking she could use a new loveseat...

4) Would sour cream sell better if it was called dairy sauce?  I’m adverse to buying a cream that’s sour (it’s beside the point that I don’t like it anyway).  Would people be adverse to buying a sauce with a dairy source?

Still... no thanks...

Still... no thanks...

5) Why are they even still making regular billboards?  Electronic ones kick ass!

I'm like a moth drawn to light... or a fat kid to candy.

I'm like a moth drawn to light... or a fat kid to candy.

6) Why, oh God why, am I better at singing Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know than Soundgarden’s Spoonman on Rock Star 2?  100% vs. 86%?  I’m blaming all of Chris Cornell’s random Mmm‘s and Oh‘s.  Come to think of it… why was I even singing Alanis Morissette?

Happy Find… Yes, Let Me Taste Your Tears, Or Puddin’

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always been a big brother, or if it’s simply because I’m a horrible human being… but the sight of people crying makes me smile. 

Sounds like evil to me.

Obviously, I find this video hilarious:

A question of whether it’s real or not is a moot point to me.  Did we wonder if Pee Wee Herman was a weirdo in real-life while we were enjoying “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure?”  Well, maybe we should have before giving him a kid’s show, but it doesn’t mean he’s still not funny.  Check out his episode from the first season of “30 Rock” or watch this weird bit from “Tom Goes to the Mayor:”

Drunken Recollection… 86 The ’76 Trivia, Stat!

Knowing about the following song won us a small victory at trivia last night (we took second place because I thought the movie “Poseidon” took place on Christmas rather than New Year’s). 

The question in question: Name one of two songs that had the word “disco” in it that hit #1 in 1976.  I swore that this song was the best option aside from  “Disco Inferno” and “Disco Fever” (which I don’t even think is a real song):

Turned out I was right.  Turns out the other song option was “Disco Lady” (?)

Shadoe Stevens... a Hollywood Square

Shadoe Stevens... A Hollywood Square

Rick Dees... Weekly Top Dorky

Rick Dees... Weekly Top Dorky

The biggest mistake I made (aside from the upside-down boat holiday movie inquiry) was thinking the song was song by this (<–) guy:

And not this (–>) guy:

In conclusion, here’s some random 70’s awesomeness from the Midnight Special that I’m so inclined to buy on DVD (damn you infomercials and my insatiable DVD addiction!)  It’s either that or the Dean Martin Variety Show.

For further trivia thrills (ha! yeah right), try to name everyone in the cast on “Futurama.”  I bet you’ll miss at least two, like we did.

For further betting thrills, go to the race track.

A Henchmen Jilts Spotlit(e) Pronto? Sounds About Right

For anyone that cares, Sarah Palin is a GILF that’s now a GILF (if you’re into governors and grandmas, that is).

Bristol Palin gave birth to Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston on Saturday, according to People Magazine (via AOL News).  The dad, Wrangler Johnston, or whatever blue jeans he’s named after, is probably somewhere with his hand stuck in a pickle jar because his fist is closed around the last dill, and he still hasn’t realized that’s why it’s stuck.

Considering the imaginative names of the Palin brood – Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig – Tripp isn’t that creative.  It’s a verb, for Sarah’s version of Jesus’ sake… not a name.

Anagram for Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston = A Henchmen Jilts Spotlit(e) Pronto

A joke (I made up): 

Hey, what’s that girl’s name over there? 

Who?  Georgia?

No.

Virginia?

No.

Carolina?  Dakota?

Ah, forget it.  I’ll just go over there and Alaska. 

*bad-da-boom-cha!*

What's the difference?

Close enough.

Drunken Recollection… That’s About Right For A Detroit Joint

Last night was a night spent in three four bars, and it kept me sleeping until 5pm today.

Some highlights:

  • First stop was the Bronx Bar, a Detroit hole-in-the-wall down near Wayne State University.  My sisters wanted to visit an old friend.  They chatted while “Poison” played on the jukebox.  BBD’s song, not the group.  “Crazy” also played.  Not Britney Spears… Patsy Cline.  That’s about right for a Detroit joint.
  • Second stop was the Magic Stick.  There was a concert going on upstairs, so we stayed on the main floor and saw a show of our own.  It probably made as much sense as the punk bands upstairs might, but here’s what it involved: a man with a big beard, a woman with only her bra on, a skinny kid with his shirt off, and another skinny girl holding her bloody nose.  They came out of the bowling area and swept through the place until security escorted them out.  They actually tried to come back later.  We met up with my cousin Liz who was there to see the show on the second floor.  Some of my sisters’ friends that are getting married next year dropped in (congrats again Beth and Ben), and another of Tammie’s friends from grade school was hanging out with his friends (hey P-funk).  A stranger drew pictures of us in green crayon on the back of concert flyers.  My sister, Tammie, ordered some pizza.  I quizzed her on the latest Killers song that was playing.  Becky and I drank 24 oz. beers.  We wondered why the word dapper isn’t used more.  That’s about right for a Detroit joint.
  • Third stop lead us into Greektown, across from the casino, to The Well.  Tammie’s other old friend, Joe, was down there with his crew.  Some girls were dancing on the bar.  The DJ was right behind us playing T.I.  The area we were in was about 12’x12′.  They flashed the lights at about 1:45am for last call.  We all finished our drinks and headed next door to…
  • The Baltimore, our final stop.  We ran into a family member we haven’t seen for years.  Tears were spilled over some more beers.  Becky took forever putting all our numbers in our cousin’s phone.  The music playing was Journey or some other 80’s band.  A half hour or so later, we all departed into the winter rain.  We bid our farewells and journeyed home.  That’s about right for a Detroit joint.

JusWondering… Mothers of Invention: Necessity, Giraffes, And Crappy SUV Drivers

Keeps the giraffes out in winter, thought I as a child.

Keeps the giraffes out in winter, thought I as a child.

I love infomercials, and I’m not ashamed of admitting that.  Considering I’m in the minority of people in this country that do not have cable or satellite TV (I technically do not have wireless Internet access either… but my neighbor does), I’m stuck with the six channels my antenna can get.  When I’m getting in late from the bar, infomercials are all I have.

(Now I know digital TV broadcasting doubles if not triples my options, but I’d still rather get snowy images than blocky screen freezes and “no signal founds” until February 17th, thank you very much.  And yes, I still use a VCR.)
Anyflobee, my point is this: people of America – there are still things to invent.  Take this recent discovery of mine… the Twin Draft Guard.  How fucking simple, yet no one until now has put pen to pad (and contacted InventHelp.com) and released it on the market.
I mean, I’ve had my share of ideas, as have my friends.
Like, for instance, um, I always wondered why gas stations didn’t have electronic signs, then boom!
Ah, remember those prices 4yrs ago... and 4wks ago...

Ah, remember those prices 4yrs ago... and 4wks ago...

My buddy, Jay, always thought they should have a faster way of paying for fast food, like a stick.  (He loves his fast food and paying with credit cards.)  Then Mobil showed up with the SpeedPass, and now more and more cards have RFID devices in them to speed things up.
Nifty vid:
I also know people who “invented” things like taco holders and glasses clips.  My dad made these for our house before there was even “The Club” for cars:
Does not work on doors made of glass... trust me on this one.

Does not work on doors made of glass... trust me on this one.

 My second confession on this post: I’m an idiot.  On this site, I’ve already gave away restaurant ideas and movie ideas.  I’m serious about the movie idea (original post here and announcement here).  Here’s a humdinger I want put into production immediately: The Asshole Blaster (okay, maybe a name change is required a name change is definitely required).

The idea is as simple as the Twin Draft Guard: it’s potato gun-type device that launches sticky slimeballs with declarations on them, like DOOSH or IDYUT (this guywould totally get IDYUT).  I thought of it during the recent snowfalls we had, and how people drive like physics don’t apply to their vehicle because they drive an SUV or a truck.  I saw more SUV’s and trucks in ditches and up shoulders than anything else.  This would be my prize slimeball for them:

N UR FACE!

N UR FACE!