Hurry up people of the TripleDoubleU! Hurry up people of the celeb mags and celeb shows! Our time is ticking down to put together our Best Of’s… and Top Ten’s… and New Years Resolutions’s’s’s…’s…
For me, I never quite understood what it meant to make a New Years Resolution, so I looked up the word “resolution.” According to TheFreeDictionary (since I didn’t feel like getting up to grab a real dictionary), in the middle of a bunch of words I didn’t feel like reading, this phrase popped out at me:
An explanation, as of a problem or puzzle; a solution
New Years is about solving problems?! I never knew that! Consider that my first problem solved for 2009. Or would it be my last one in 2008…?
Here’s a Best Of What Could Have Been on a Top Ten List of Problems I Will Get To the Bottom Of in 2009:
1) Why do eyelashes have to hurt so much when they get in your eye? I understand their purpose is to keep other garbage off our orbs, but this is tantamount to sleeping in a bed surrounded by swords to keep monsters away. If some dusteroid is about crash on your cornea, eyelids are your last line of defense – not barbed hairs.
2) Why do socks come packaged in a Ziplock bag like they’re deli lunch meat? Do they go stale? Is that why feet can get stinky? Is there an expiration date I’m unaware of? (All to be resolved in 2009.)
3) How do you go about getting a job as a Going Out Of Business Sign Holder, or as one of those people that look through View-Masters at people holding sticks across the street? Are they employed by the store that’s closing? Are they new hires? Do they go through an agency like Bret did on “Flight of the Conchords?” And as for surveyors – what the heck are they doing out there?
4) Would sour cream sell better if it was called dairy sauce? I’m adverse to buying a cream that’s sour (it’s beside the point that I don’t like it anyway). Would people be adverse to buying a sauce with a dairy source?
5) Why are they even still making regular billboards? Electronic ones kick ass!
6) Why, oh God why, am I better at singing Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know than Soundgarden’s Spoonman on Rock Star 2? 100% vs. 86%? I’m blaming all of Chris Cornell’s random Mmm‘s and Oh‘s. Come to think of it… why was I even singing Alanis Morissette?