Drunken Recollection… Five Ways Jersey Shore Is Like Greenland Sharks

Drinking with friends is getting to be a problem common again, and ye of the TripleDoubleU get to reap the benefits.  

This time around, another blog’s post was brought to my attention.  Namely, this headline from IGN:  

Five Ways Jersey Shore Is Just Like Final Fantasy

Here’s one example shared by both the MTV reality show and the classic RPG:  

Shared Trait 4: Spiky Hair


But I’ll let you read the remainder of the list by clicking here.  You don’t have to be a huge fan of both to get it, but you should be a fan of at least one.  

Now that same night, another major item (because Jersey Shore and Final Fantasy are like huge deals) brought to my attention was that these existed:  

It's a "Somniosus microcephalus," duh.


Or in other words – the Greenland shark.  

Now I’d like to list some facts about the Greenland shark, and how they too are similar to the cast of Jersey Shore.  

1) Alternate names  

The extra "W" is for "WTF?"


  •  On the Jersey Shore, everybody has an alias, like they’re X-Men or something: Jenni is J-Woww, Nicole is Snooki, Sammi is Sweatheart, and Mike is The Situation
  • The Greenland shark has more even more nicknames: sleeper shark, gurry shark, ground shark, grey shark, or the Inuit name, Eqalussuaq.

2) Parasites  

Microscopic crustaceans ain't just for the beach!


  • I’m not saying that any of the cast members on Jersey Shore do have crabs, but I’m also not saying that they don’t… You just got double-negatived, which is another way of saying positive. BTW, I’m sure positive is a result this group has seen as on innumerable tests.
  • Meanwhile, the Greenland sharks play host to the creature in the picture above (the one on the right, of course).  It feasts on the shark’s eye, causing partial blindness.  Like syphilis.

3) Scavengers  

Yes. Her hat does read, "Porn Star In Training."


  • Snooki sure loves her pickles.
  • Greenland sharks sure their love fish, seals, reindeer, horses, and polar bears.

4) Toxic skin  

Mr. Duck Phone feels safer with the poisonous shark.

Mr. Duck Phone feels safer with the poisonous shark.


  • I don’t know components go into fake tan sprays or tan accelerators, and I especially don’t know how much alcohol the cast members of Jersey Shore can actually consume, but if I happened to be on a plane with them and it crash landed in the Alps – I wouldn’t eat them.
  • The flesh of the Greenland sharks, on the other fin hand, is officially poisonous.  I repeat – THIS SHARK IS POISONOUS.  Next you’ll be telling me they have razor-sharp skin, too.  (Let it be known, the toxin in their skin does produce an effect akin to extreme drunkenness, so maybe I would eat a Jersey Shore cast member in the Alps.) 

5) Legends  

They could be friends, doncha think?


  • Everyone loves a good story, and sometimes the shorter the better.  As for Mike of the Jersey Shore, his legend is straight to the point:

He is The Situation.  

  • Greenland sharks legends aren’t as concise:

Sedna was a girl whose father cut off her fingers while drowning her. Each finger was said to have become a sea creature, including the Greenland shark.  (via Wikipedia)  

Now that’s quite a situation.  


  • Greenland sharks can live for up to 200 years long.  The cast of Jersey Shore will be forgotten about in five.

One comment

  1. Dakota · January 23, 2010

    How awesome are Greenland sharks. You know you want to go to the tournament with me now.

    I need to find that documentary on them somewhere so you can see it.

    This is the site where we can go do it: http://www.greenland-guide.gl/sharkchallenge/default.htm

    I’m saving my money and going, even if I have to do it by myself.

    Oh, and its also located in the same place as the world’s northernmost golf tournament. Both in March!

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