The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… This Decade For Me

Last year at this time, I decided to have a New Year’s Resolution Revolution and solve some problems.  This year – I’m evaluating my decade.  Everybody else is doin’ it, so why not me.

The end of the last decade was The Shit:

1999

  • Having just returned from spending a month in Europe, and ready to sell pc’s again at Circuit Shitty making very good commission money… only to learn that Y2K was keeping everyone from buying.
  • I took up a second job working overnight at Target where I met many of the people who would stay friends throughout the decade.

The start of this decade:

2000

  • After quitting both the above retailers, I was an extra in the movie 61*.
  • I started at my current job, and then…

Nothing much.  For ten years.  Awesome.

(Not So) Artistic Representation

The above graph is representative of what my sister once told me:

Most people live in the real world and dip into the fantasy world.  You [“I” – Ed.] do the exact opposite.

This past year, I think I might have joined the rest of the world.

I might have grown up.

And time will only tell if that’s Just Shitty

Musical Musings… What Have The Aughts Wrought Us?

It’s an end-of-the-year-decade evaluation of the year decade that’s come before.  Long story short – there was nothing new.  

The only things left to hit the mainstream were the very things that were once thought taboo, which explains Jenna Jameson’s widespread fame (no pun intended), the common knowledge of cougars and MILF‘s, and the over-sexualization of the underaged (i.e. countdown-to-age-eighteen clocks for the Olson Twins, Hayden Panettiere, Miley Cyrus, etc). 

"If you like it, then you know it's got a ring to it..."

 

Gone are the days of truly independent filmmaking.  (And BTW, I didn’t ask for 3D films to be brought back.)  Hip-hop and rap break down barriers no more.  Television turned game shows into reality programming, but did little else except compartmentalize audiences between channels.  Everything has become corporatized to the point of homogenization.  

“So what have the Aughts wrought us?” 

Outside of the birth of a new medium boom of the Internet (known as the ol’ TripleDoubleU ’round hyeh), and the boon that was social networking (YouTube, Facebook, Friendster, et. al.), the web just offers another outlet for pre-existing formats. 

So what rose from the ashes of the Y2K bug?  One thing…

Auto-Tune

Although it technically was first heard in 1998, when Cher’s Believe* was torturing me via my alarm clock, while my face was smeared in a puddle of chunky pink Marguerita upchuck on my tiled bathroom floor (true story), it wasn’t until this decade that it took a foothold on almost everything on pop radio (list here). 

She suffers from a rare case of "moonstruck."

 

From Faith Hill’s The Way You Love Me in 2000 all the way up to (though not including) Jay Z’s D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune), the 00’s could be remembered as the Aughto-Tune Decade (clever!), although outta-tune, auto-crooner Kanye West would probably like to think the decade belonged solely to him. 

She suffers from a lack of attention.

 

My Prediction for the 10’s 
Since Lady Gaga is the Cher of now, and IMHO she’s actually quite talented… and not to say Cher wasn’t talented… I guess what I’m saying is… keep an eye on her.  She might set the next trend.  Or not.  Who do I look like, Phil Spector?  (Don’t answer that.) 

(SIDENOTE: I’m secretly rooting for Taylor Swift and her aw-shucksness to put the societal downward spiral on hold.) 

*Another early auto-tuner was Kid Rock’s Only God Knows Why (1998).  And it’s true – only God knows why Kid Rock hooked up with Pamela Anderson after finding out she had Hepatitis C.  Perhaps he confused it with the vitamin…

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Non-Existent Cover Bands And Their Non-Existent Album Covers

It’s the week betwixt Christmas and New Year’s, so we’re slow at work. 

Top 5 Non-Existent (As Far We Know) Cover Bands & Their Non-Existent Album Covers 

1) Men on Break 

Known for such hits as “Who Can It Be Now?” and “Down Under,” Men at Work were hard at work in the 80’s.  Nowadays, there are suspicions that their cover band, Men on Break, might really be them. 

Overkill, indeed.

2) Faster Than Ezra 

Some people out there might not think that Better Than Ezra deserves a cover band, but the speed metal versions of “Good” and “Desperately Wanting” leave you desperately wanting more good covers.

Ezra was overheard saying, "Those mobile carriages are waaaaay faster than me."

3) Urethra Franklin

Aretha Franklin is a legend in the music business.  The fact that she’s a legend at Old Country Buffet is besides the point.  This rocking cover band electrifies (Ben Franklin lightning pun!) with their versions of “Respect” and “Who’s Zoomin’ Who?”  (Not to be confused with anything in the Urban Dictionary.)

Little known fact: he also invented UTI's.

4) Van Couver Meloncamp 

John Mellancamp, a.k.a. The Coug, has a song catalog as long and as varied as his name(s).  Van Couver Meloncamp not only does a great service to such hits as “Jack & Diane” and “Hurts So Good,” VCM also “Cuts Like a Knife” to the heart of the hits of The Coug’s northern counterpart – Bryan Adams.  Take a bite of Meloncamp!  (Now touring in British Columbia.)

Those are some big melons.

5) Hawaii Five-O

Cops – I can take ’em or leave ’em.  The Police on the other hand – put out an APB!  Hawaii Five-O takes the unique approach of covering Sting’s biting melodies with the soft plucking touch of ukuleles.  You never heard “Roxanne” until you heard it plinka-plinka-plink!  (Moustaches, Detroit Tigers caps, and flowered shirts are optional at their performances, but highly recommended.)

Where Magnum Meets Tantric

BONUS: Alternate Urethra Franklin cover after the jump. Read More

Awesome Battle… Which Happy Find Should Have Got Its Own Post?

I’ve had so many Happy Finds that I can’t quite keep up with, so instead of letting them get lost in the ethers of net, here’s a good ol’ fashion dump list.  Don’t hate me!

1) The BossHoss

This band from Berlin mocks celebrates the stylings of country music in America by covering pop tunes from America.  They refer to their versions as “Country Trash Punk Rock.”  But in German, I guess.  (via Dave, more BossHoss here)

2) Remember these?

Oh yeah, Lisa Skye! I forgot about, um, her...

Not the specific (wacky) strip itself, but the Hostess ads found in comic books about, oh, 25-30 years ago.  Okay, you probably don’t remember them.  But Seanbaby (no relation) did, and he’s collected all the food-tossing, problem-solving insanity on his site.

3) Clients From Hell

Working in IT (as I do) requires an amazing amount of patience.  Don’t believe me?  Click on the above link, or simply watch this video.  You will believe… (via Eric)

4) Unicorn Vs. Narwhal – The Game

Ever wonder what the outcome of such a fantastic battle (but not quite Awesome) would be?  Click the above link and find out!  (via Urlesque)

5) Working UPC Art

Like this? I can get ya even more!

Check out 24 other functional barcodes at The Chive.

JusWondering… Have You Been Naughty Or Nice (Or A Nice Combination of Both)?

Well, well, well.  It’s Christmas Day… or Boxing Day Eve for my Canadian neighbors, Friday for all you Socialist, Baby Jesus-h8ing liberals, or Day Two of my extended weekend.

For all of people celebrating the first item in the above short-list, a question commonly posed by (that pagan) Santa Claus goes, “Have you been naughty or have you been nice?”

For those that have been nice, here’s a naughty Alison Brie singing Santa Baby to Santa, the Ghost of Christmas Presents, and an adult Jesus Cowell (h8rs!):

For those of you that have been good, ol’ fashioned naughty, here’s a Krampus gallery:

And because you’ve been especially bad, here’s a video, too: