Month: December 2009

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… This Decade For Me

Posted on by sgottahurt

Last year at this time, I decided to have a New Year’s Resolution Revolution and solve some problems.  This year – I’m evaluating my decade.  Everybody else is doin’ it, so why not me.

The end of the last decade was The Shit:

1999

  • Having just returned from spending a month in Europe, and ready to sell pc’s again at Circuit Shitty making very good commission money… only to learn that Y2K was keeping everyone from buying.
  • I took up a second job working overnight at Target where I met many of the people who would stay friends throughout the decade.

The start of this decade:

2000

  • After quitting both the above retailers, I was an extra in the movie 61*.
  • I started at my current job, and then…

Nothing much.  For ten years.  Awesome.

(Not So) Artistic Representation

The above graph is representative of what my sister once told me:

Most people live in the real world and dip into the fantasy world.  You [“I” – Ed.] do the exact opposite.

This past year, I think I might have joined the rest of the world.

I might have grown up.

And time will only tell if that’s Just Shitty…

Musical Musings… What Have The Aughts Wrought Us?

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s an end-of-the-year-decade evaluation of the year decade that’s come before.  Long story short – there was nothing new.  

The only things left to hit the mainstream were the very things that were once thought taboo, which explains Jenna Jameson’s widespread fame (no pun intended), the common knowledge of cougars and MILF‘s, and the over-sexualization of the underaged (i.e. countdown-to-age-eighteen clocks for the Olson Twins, Hayden Panettiere, Miley Cyrus, etc). 

"If you like it, then you know it's got a ring to it..."

 

Gone are the days of truly independent filmmaking.  (And BTW, I didn’t ask for 3D films to be brought back.)  Hip-hop and rap break down barriers no more.  Television turned game shows into reality programming, but did little else except compartmentalize audiences between channels.  Everything has become corporatized to the point of homogenization.  

“So what have the Aughts wrought us?” 

Outside of the birth of a new medium boom of the Internet (known as the ol’ TripleDoubleU ’round hyeh), and the boon that was social networking (YouTube, Facebook, Friendster, et. al.), the web just offers another outlet for pre-existing formats. 

So what rose from the ashes of the Y2K bug?  One thing…

Auto-Tune

Although it technically was first heard in 1998, when Cher’s Believe* was torturing me via my alarm clock, while my face was smeared in a puddle of chunky pink Marguerita upchuck on my tiled bathroom floor (true story), it wasn’t until this decade that it took a foothold on almost everything on pop radio (list here). 

She suffers from a rare case of "moonstruck."

 

From Faith Hill’s The Way You Love Me in 2000 all the way up to (though not including) Jay Z’s D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune), the 00’s could be remembered as the Aughto-Tune Decade (clever!), although outta-tune, auto-crooner Kanye West would probably like to think the decade belonged solely to him. 

She suffers from a lack of attention.

 

My Prediction for the 10’s 
Since Lady Gaga is the Cher of now, and IMHO she’s actually quite talented… and not to say Cher wasn’t talented… I guess what I’m saying is… keep an eye on her.  She might set the next trend.  Or not.  Who do I look like, Phil Spector?  (Don’t answer that.) 

(SIDENOTE: I’m secretly rooting for Taylor Swift and her aw-shucksness to put the societal downward spiral on hold.) 

*Another early auto-tuner was Kid Rock’s Only God Knows Why (1998).  And it’s true – only God knows why Kid Rock hooked up with Pamela Anderson after finding out she had Hepatitis C.  Perhaps he confused it with the vitamin…

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Non-Existent Cover Bands And Their Non-Existent Album Covers

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s the week betwixt Christmas and New Year’s, so we’re slow at work. 

Top 5 Non-Existent (As Far We Know) Cover Bands & Their Non-Existent Album Covers 

1) Men on Break 

Known for such hits as “Who Can It Be Now?” and “Down Under,” Men at Work were hard at work in the 80’s.  Nowadays, there are suspicions that their cover band, Men on Break, might really be them. 

Overkill, indeed.

2) Faster Than Ezra 

Some people out there might not think that Better Than Ezra deserves a cover band, but the speed metal versions of “Good” and “Desperately Wanting” leave you desperately wanting more good covers.

Ezra was overheard saying, "Those mobile carriages are waaaaay faster than me."

3) Urethra Franklin

Aretha Franklin is a legend in the music business.  The fact that she’s a legend at Old Country Buffet is besides the point.  This rocking cover band electrifies (Ben Franklin lightning pun!) with their versions of “Respect” and “Who’s Zoomin’ Who?”  (Not to be confused with anything in the Urban Dictionary.)

Little known fact: he also invented UTI's.

4) Van Couver Meloncamp 

John Mellancamp, a.k.a. The Coug, has a song catalog as long and as varied as his name(s).  Van Couver Meloncamp not only does a great service to such hits as “Jack & Diane” and “Hurts So Good,” VCM also “Cuts Like a Knife” to the heart of the hits of The Coug’s northern counterpart – Bryan Adams.  Take a bite of Meloncamp!  (Now touring in British Columbia.)

Those are some big melons.

5) Hawaii Five-O

Cops – I can take ’em or leave ’em.  The Police on the other hand – put out an APB!  Hawaii Five-O takes the unique approach of covering Sting’s biting melodies with the soft plucking touch of ukuleles.  You never heard “Roxanne” until you heard it plinka-plinka-plink!  (Moustaches, Detroit Tigers caps, and flowered shirts are optional at their performances, but highly recommended.)

Where Magnum Meets Tantric

BONUS: Alternate Urethra Franklin cover after the jump. Read More

Awesome Battle… Which Happy Find Should Have Got Its Own Post?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve had so many Happy Finds that I can’t quite keep up with, so instead of letting them get lost in the ethers of net, here’s a good ol’ fashion dump list.  Don’t hate me!

1) The BossHoss

This band from Berlin mocks celebrates the stylings of country music in America by covering pop tunes from America.  They refer to their versions as “Country Trash Punk Rock.”  But in German, I guess.  (via Dave, more BossHoss here)

2) Remember these?

Oh yeah, Lisa Skye! I forgot about, um, her...

Not the specific (wacky) strip itself, but the Hostess ads found in comic books about, oh, 25-30 years ago.  Okay, you probably don’t remember them.  But Seanbaby (no relation) did, and he’s collected all the food-tossing, problem-solving insanity on his site.

3) Clients From Hell

Working in IT (as I do) requires an amazing amount of patience.  Don’t believe me?  Click on the above link, or simply watch this video.  You will believe… (via Eric)

4) Unicorn Vs. Narwhal – The Game

Ever wonder what the outcome of such a fantastic battle (but not quite Awesome) would be?  Click the above link and find out!  (via Urlesque)

5) Working UPC Art

Like this? I can get ya even more!

Check out 24 other functional barcodes at The Chive.

JusWondering… Have You Been Naughty Or Nice (Or A Nice Combination of Both)?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Well, well, well.  It’s Christmas Day… or Boxing Day Eve for my Canadian neighbors, Friday for all you Socialist, Baby Jesus-h8ing liberals, or Day Two of my extended weekend.

For all of people celebrating the first item in the above short-list, a question commonly posed by (that pagan) Santa Claus goes, “Have you been naughty or have you been nice?”

For those that have been nice, here’s a naughty Alison Brie singing Santa Baby to Santa, the Ghost of Christmas Presents, and an adult Jesus Cowell (h8rs!):

For those of you that have been good, ol’ fashioned naughty, here’s a Krampus gallery:

And because you’ve been especially bad, here’s a video, too:

InASense, Lost… So That’s Where Santa Claus Comes From

Posted on by sgottahurt

As a kind and generous soul, I implore you – gather up your children, and together watch this origin story of Santa Claus.  Revel in the triumphs and joys of his journey from his humble beginnings in the Korvatunturi Mountains, to the plush decorative throne at your local mall and local malls around the world…

But be careful.  If you do not respect Father Christmas, this will be the outcome (if you’re lucky):

If any of the above has offended or scarred you, you’re welcome.  If you want to take matters up with the company, please feel free to contact Rare Exports, Inc by clicking on this link.

Merry Christmas, bitches!

Hibbidy-Wah?! Give Me A F—ing (Christmas) Break

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m running low on my Christmas spirit as I’m quickly realizing most all of my Christmas wishes are not coming true.  Smack that up against with me coming across this over-indulgent greeting card that almost two-million people have already seen (speaking of smack, that kid’s mug is begging for one):

I watched the entire extravaganza, and I guess the guy that set it up used to do special effects for Disney, but still… ick.  The song is even terrible.

It kind reminds me of a light show version of this:

"It's craptastic!"

 (And for the record… no, I am not his neighbor…)

All I Want For Christmas Is… Parajet SkyCar – No, I Mean, BackJoy

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had a mystery that required solving (as all mysteries do) about a week ago.  The situation was this:

I had awakened in the middle of the night to witness an infomercial for a product that you sat on, and it was supposed to help your spine align properly.  I had no more to go on than that… well… that, and the website site that sounded something like BooYah.com.

I asked everyone around the office.  I Googled as fervently as I could.  I could not find anything about this thing you sit on for spine support.

That was until I stumbled upon the word “orthotic.”  And indeed, the product was like a shoe insert.  Very soon after I found it… BackJoy.

As Danny Glover once said, in his mid-20's, "I'm too young for this shit."

 My co-workers had me thinking I dreamed it, when it was truly a reality.  No longer would I be uncomfortable sitting on stools without backs at the bars – I could have BackJoy!  And that’s when it hit me.  I’d have to carry this thing around with me, wherever I went, because I’m sure my back would get used to it.

So then I settled upon wanting this.  It was love at first glance:

An older Danny Glover was overheard saying, "I'll take ten." (Because he's rich, you see.)

Parajet SkyCar – the flying auto!  A reality actually spawned in my dreams!  Oh, the places– wait, what’s that?  It glides?  With a parachute?

Just give me the BackJoy.  And make sure it comes with a carrying case…