The drinking implement is not important. The speed at which you drink is. If you drink more in a shorter space of time then yes, naturally. Pretty self-explanatory really.
This one was a two-parter: 1) As a kid, did I not watch M*A*S*H* because of the theme song?
Yes. It’s terrible.
2) Would I have liked it if it had a different theme song?
I don’t see why not.
Is “The Mike Game” a fun game to play?
Yes. Once you understand the complicated rules.
Somebody told me there was a Polish dog that was saved from an iceberg…
…and there was. They named him “Baltic”… you know, after the sea Polish fisherman found him on. I named my dog the same way!
The Opposite of a Hot Dog
Find the update on the situation here (and for an update on The Situation here). Now I’m going to go grab a beer and a straw, relax, and watch an old episode of Baywatch with my dog, “Outside the Strip Club.”
While boozing with my fellow booze hounds not to long ago, a few wonderings popped in my head. These are them (is that proper English or proper drunk-speak?):
1) As a child, I was a fan of the wrong film series.
"I've made a huge mistake."
For most of my life, it’s been Star Wars all the way for me, baby. And as an (alleged) adult, I’ve paid for it dearly, both figuratively and literally.
Figuratively… in the sense that James Bond would have fostered my inner Lothario, as opposed to Luke Skywalker inspiring my inner whiny “hero.” (Granted, I could have looked to Han Solo, but he didn’t have a lightsaber and couldn’t use the Force.)
Literally… in the sense that I spent way too much fucking money on toys in a bid to recapture my lost youth.
On the other hand, if I had idolized Agent 007, I might have lived a life of danger (both in and out of the bedroom), but definitely his love of gadgetry would one day complement mine.
2) I should have picked different friends.
"Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"
Some of my friends I’ve known since I was four years old. And at times I’m left to wonder, what does a kid know? I already mentioned that I chose to make Luke Skywalker my hero and not James Bond when I was a young ‘un. The incident that triggered this thought:
A friend-that-shall-go-unnamed-(though-he-knows-who-he-is) ran around Hooters getting the entire staff to sign the calendar he purchased for his toddler son. Although one girl was clever (and inappropriate). She wrote:
May your dreams be wet, and your diapers stay dry. (Or something like that.)
To be honest, it was the gayest heterosexual thing I’ve ever witnessed.
3) Why does twelve seem like it’s a plural form of twelf, like how it is with pants and pant?
4) If going “number one” and “number two” means what they mean, what would going “number three” on up represent?
BONUS SOBER WONDERING, WHICH I GUESS SHOULD BE AJusWondering:
Why can’t I stop watching this video?
Here’s the shortened version for a maximized quick hit:
Free-serve beer spouts, like they have in fast food restaurants. You could purchase a $25 glass and have at it. The wait staff might love it or hate it, so it should be test marketed here first. Preferably at a bar close to my home.
Fountain of Booze
THE LESSON
Don’t drink Guinness through a straw. It looses the taste. Although it is cute when you make a stupid joke about doing so, and the waitress follows through by bringing your next stout with a spout.
Not to be confused with chocolate milk
THE SOBER REALIZATION
“Fountain Dew” tastes really good sometimes. That’s the Mountain Dew you get out of the fountain, if I’ve lost your attention in this complicated post. It happens most often at Taco Bell. Sometimes at KFC and Arby’s. Never at Subway. Because I hate Subway. Fuck Subway. I could make those sandwiches at home.
Here’s one example shared by both the MTV reality show and the classic RPG:
Shared Trait 4: Spiky Hair
But I’ll let you read the remainder of the list by clicking here. You don’t have to be a huge fan of both to get it, but you should be a fan of at least one.
Now that same night, another major item (because Jersey Shore and Final Fantasy are like huge deals) brought to my attention was that these existed:
Now I’d like to list some facts about the Greenland shark, and how they too are similar to the cast of Jersey Shore.
1) Alternate names
The extra "W" is for "WTF?"
On the Jersey Shore, everybody has an alias, like they’re X-Men or something: Jenni is J-Woww, Nicole is Snooki, Sammi is Sweatheart, and Mike is The Situation.
The Greenland shark has more even more nicknames: sleeper shark, gurry shark, ground shark, grey shark, or the Inuit name, Eqalussuaq.
2) Parasites
Microscopic crustaceans ain't just for the beach!
I’m not saying that any of the cast members on Jersey Shoredo have crabs, but I’m also not saying that they don’t… You just got double-negatived, which is another way of saying positive. BTW, I’m sure positive is a result this group has seen as on innumerable tests.
Meanwhile, the Greenland sharks play host to the creature in the picture above (the one on the right, of course). It feasts on the shark’s eye, causing partial blindness. Like syphilis.
3) Scavengers
Yes. Her hat does read, "Porn Star In Training."
Snooki sure loves her pickles.
Greenland sharks sure their love fish, seals, reindeer, horses, and polar bears.
4) Toxic skin
Mr. Duck Phone feels safer with the poisonous shark.
I don’t know components go into fake tan sprays or tan accelerators, and I especially don’t know how much alcohol the cast members of Jersey Shore can actually consume, but if I happened to be on a plane with them and it crash landed in the Alps – I wouldn’t eat them.
The flesh of the Greenland sharks, on the other fin hand, is officially poisonous. I repeat – THIS SHARK IS POISONOUS. Next you’ll be telling me they have razor-sharp skin, too. (Let it be known, the toxin in their skin does produce an effect akin to extreme drunkenness, so maybe I would eat a Jersey Shore cast member in the Alps.)
5) Legends
They could be friends, doncha think?
Everyone loves a good story, and sometimes the shorter the better. As for Mike of the Jersey Shore, his legend is straight to the point:
He is The Situation.
Greenland sharks legends aren’t as concise:
Sedna was a girl whose father cut off her fingers while drowning her. Each finger was said to have become a sea creature, including the Greenland shark. (via Wikipedia)
Now that’s quite a situation.
BONUS THING NOT HELD IN COMMON:
Greenland sharks can live for up to 200 years long. The cast of Jersey Shore will be forgotten about in five.
I intended to write a Drunken Recollection on another subject (you’ll just have to wait for that now), but someone my friends and I met tonight changed all that:
Tara – The Drunk Girl at the Bar.
My friend, Chris, hosts a live trivia show at a particular bar on Mondays, and I typically don’t attend. Nothing against him, but Mondays are one of my “laying low” days. On this particular Garfield’s favorite day of the week, I had planned on picking up some topsoil to do some yard work before winter hits, but I got stuck late at work. My other friend, Jeremy, had his class cancelled, and Chris’ wife Venessa was going to trivia, so I bit.
Upon arriving, the three of us sat at the end of the bar, and Chris was at the windows. He had to inform us that he had a fan – Tara. As she repeatedly told everyone, she was his “ass-sistant,” and she thanked everyone with a kindly “konnichiwa” as if it was a “domo arigato.”
She was there alone no domo arigato to her friends.
She met Chris’ “wifey” and shared the tale of how she was engaged for four years until she broke it off
…in May or March… one of those M months. Maybe April…
because he wanted her to be a baby making machine.
She had school and worked nine-to-five and didn’t seem much older than 22.
What Tara made me question about life is this:
How responsible are we for other people?
She somehow became attached to our group (namely Chris), and I wondered who was looking out for her. Luckily, her parents came to pick her up, but it made me think about a creepy dude I had seen in Best Buy’s parking lot prior to heading to trivia. He stood at the edge of the lot, near his rusted minivan, with his hipster ensemble: too tight vintage clothes, an over-sized snapshot camera, and a creepy beard. He surveyed the adjacent Meijer’s parking lot. Something about it didn’t feel right… like I should intervene and do something…
Don't worry. This happened during squirrel season.
With summer finally over, it’s time for me to drunken recollect some of my camping highlights. Outside of drinking, eating, being in the water, being on the pontoon, drinking, eating, sitting by the campfire, beach volleyball, drinking, eating, and peeing in the water, this is all I can remember:
1) Asquirrel fell out of a tree. It happened in front of a few of my family members as they were walking. When they reached to check on the immobile rodent, it sprung back to consciousness and took off.
2) Some cyclist had this shirt on, as well as a bushy beard:
A Whopper of a beard, in fact...
3) There was a plan to tie me to a chair if I passed out drunk. It didn’t happen on the earlier summer trip, but it did happen. At least the dumping me in the lake didn’t.
4) I pulled a boat via a rope in my teeth. There is a picture out there I do not possess. I do remember my jawline aching, though.
5) There was a strange song playing on the iPod we took out to the sandbar. Turned out it was from the film, Music and Lyrics. Here it is for your, um, pleasure?
While on vacation a couple weeks ago in Mehico, I picked up a few things other than the Spanish language (and The Clap… you all know The Clap… it goes with this song:
and… end parenthetical).
Anyquién, I also decided I loathe the above remake, but that’s neither here nor there. Well, it was there, at the resort, where my dislike upgraded to loathe because they played it every day at the pool. Now onto the mysteries!
MYSTERY 1) A fair amount of time ago, a friend was telling me about a documentary he watched on Animal Planet or Discovery that was about “cutie fish.” He told me about how they are amongst the smartest invertebrates, and about their survival methods. Interesting, thought I, and I preceded to look them up… and found nothing.
In Mexico, some friends went snorkeling and mentioned that they saw “cuttlefish.” Which look like this:
MYSTERY 2) In my relaxing vacational TV viewing, I stumbled across a cartoon featuring a bunch of eggs that were battling, while some eggs were tied to a roller coaster track. One of them was friends with a strip of bacon, and one guy looked like this:
(Not So) Artistic Representation
It didn’t help that it was in Spanish, but I’ve not been able to find anything like it on Google image search.
BONUS MYSTERY: There was some CGI black and white movie that was in English, and it had a fairly intense shower sex scene. The main character’s name was Don Hudson, and he was being hunted by people the woman he just slept showered with called. There were reed accents throughout. Google search? Nada.
MYSTERIES – UNSOLVED
MYSTERY 3) In other TV viewing, there was some crappy Danny DeVito movie (I found out was entitled, Other People’s Money), and his character’s name was Larry Garfield. Now that’s not much on its own (although it was weird I had just watched Stand and Deliver and the school it took place at was also named Garfield High School), but after watching Shoot ‘Em Up, I theorized Odie meant “hate.”
Got home and Babel Fished it:
Boo-yah! Mystery solved! But a newer mystery remained. Did Garfield creator Jim Davis name his yellow dog this because his feline star hated him?
Apparently, no:
Odie was based on a car dealership commercial written by Jim Davis, which featured Odie the Village Idiot. Davis liked the name Odie and decided to use it again.
MYSTERIES – (UNSATISFACTORILY) SOLVED!
MYSTERY 4) Um, Boston Legal was called Justicia Ciega. What did it translate to? I figured justicia = legal, but what did ciega mean? Well on another show or movie (I don’t recall which one), a car accident almost occurred and a woman screamed, “What are you, blind?” Ciega flashed on the bottom. Boston Legal = Justicia Ciega = Blind Justice.
MYSTERY – SOLVED!
MYSTERY 5) Why did I spend so much time watching TV?
On a mission to get some essentials post-soccer and pre-impromptu bar session, I stopped into the Target I used to work at AKA the Center of My Universe. Here’s a breakdown of all things odd that occurred in a very short visit:
Being adorned in leftover soccer attire, I entered the store and found a young lady that appeared to be wearing full soccer attire. I witnessed a too tight yellow t-shirt, way too small black biker shorts, and sock covered shin guards black faux leather boots to her knees. Her mother was with her and didn’t stop her from leaving the house. This was just the beginning.
I ran into my cousins’ aunt and uncle and they warned me about someone they had passed that I was about to run into. I won’t spoil the upcoming surprise, but I warned them of The Boots.
Yes, the man did look like he was wearing underwear as pants. Gray boxer-briefs, more specifically.
Moving forward, I saw one of my friends helping an old lady in one of the aisles, but she didn’t see me. I proceeded to linger at the end cap, banging things on the shelf intermittently, doing the same in the next aisle. No response.
A mother passed by with her tween son and daughter and shunned the son with the phrase: “Here’s the stinky man aisle.” She abandoned him, and his sister waited to mock him as he set out to pick out his first deodorant in shame. I paused from pounding products and considered helping him – I didn’t. He went for the cheap stuff on sale and ran out into the main aisle as his mother returned. They rejoined the father that happened to be the MAN IN THE UNDERWEAR.
Tired of embarrassing myself by making a small scene to get my friend to stop talking to the needy old lady, I rounded the corner on the opposite end facing her. I realized the lady was inquiring about lady shaving products. Specifically bikini area hair removers. My friend looked captured, but upon seeing me, finally excused herself.
It was the best of Miller Lites; it was the worst of Miller Lites. In other words, drinking with friends has its good days; drinking with friends has its bad days. Here are the examples…
BEST
My good ol’ buddy Jay and I were discussing the state of the world one day, when he begin trying out some new philosophy he was developing. I don’t quite remember the details as he worked through them, but my translation of what he was trying to say was this:
Women are sports cars and men are semi rigs. Men prefer their women to be a two-seater, i.e. they’ve only been with one guy – that guy. Men, as trucks, are also two-seaters, but if they have an extensive history in their trailer, it shouldn’t be a surprise to their lady friend.
There was some part about women being minivans and another deal about a bunch of guys hanging off of a sports car, but that’s the gist of it. Do I get it? Do I agree? Only if I get to be a helicopter.
Men are from Mars, Women are from "Cars"
WORST
It’s hard to get my goat but Jay got my goat good. All I know is that the discussion slipped into an argument (a one-sided argument most likely) about there being more than one way to use the word “better.”
My stance:
There’s a “better” that expresses an opinion, and there’s a “better” that expresses fact.
Opinion “better” – G.I. Joe is a better movie than Transformers 2. Fact “better” – Water is better to drink than oil.
A Freudian Psychologist's Dream Dream a.k.a. The Baroness Can-Can
I just read an interesting fact idea this week. I don’t recall it verbatim, but the gist was this:
If alcoholic products were invented today, they’d never make it through to market.
One might think this is interesting, poignant, and sobering (these might all be redundant, but I’m too lazy, sluggish, and apathetic to double-check), but I find it harrowing. If it wasn’t invented oh-so-long ago by the monks, Jesus, the French, and Siberians, booze might have to be procured by illegal means. And what would I do at the bar and sporting events were that the case? More importantly, how would ugly people do the kamanawanaleia?
And as a bystander caught in the crossfire of a ripple in the time-space continuum that lead lead to alcohol’s disappearance, this Tiny Toons cartoon would have never existed:
This bit came from an episode entitled Elephant Issues, and as far as I’ve looked into it, it’s only aired once in this country (September 18, 1991).
A few problems I found with the segment:
When I had my first sip of beer, I got “the shakes” which was not depicted well by the characters. Nowadays, I call that shaking “getting my groove on.”
After one sip, they all start belching to a tune. I don’t know about the ladies out there, but to myself and most men, belching in key is a big selling point for beer.
The references to bars and money and martini glasses feels incomplete. Where are the silhouettes of strippers? Amiright?
If that bottle was a forty, I’d believe it could last that long and trash a couple of kidsanimalsTiny Toons. But I’ve seen them get shot in the face, fall off cliffs, and get blown up by dynamite. One 12 oz. bottle… not buying it.
And about that solo 12 oz. bottle being the only thing in the fridge at the beginning… that looked a lot like my fridge!
The entire thing is in insulting to hobos and drunks everywhere.
And man, was that animation kinda crappy, or what?
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