Drunken Recollection… Things To Investigate If I Remember Them (Which I Did)

That's one way to do it...

Do you get drunk faster by drinking beer through a straw?

Per Wiki Answers (and I guess, common sense):

The drinking implement is not important. The speed at which you drink is. If you drink more in a shorter space of time then yes, naturally. Pretty self-explanatory really.

This one was a two-parter: 1) As a kid, did I not watch M*A*S*H* because of the theme song?

Yes.  It’s terrible.

2) Would I have liked it if it had a different theme song?

I don’t see why not.

Is “The Mike Game” a fun game to play?

Yes.  Once you understand the complicated rules.

Somebody told me there was a Polish dog that was saved from an iceberg…

and there was.  They named him “Baltic”… you know, after the sea Polish fisherman found him on.  I named my dog the same way!

The Opposite of a Hot Dog

Find the update on the situation here (and for an update on The Situation here).  Now I’m going to go grab a beer and a straw, relax, and watch an old episode of Baywatch with my dog, “Outside the Strip Club.”

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Drunken Recollection… DrunkWonderings

While boozing with my fellow booze hounds not to long ago, a few wonderings popped in my head.  These are them (is that proper English or proper drunk-speak?):

1) As a child, I was a fan of the wrong film series.

"I've made a huge mistake."

For most of my life, it’s been Star Wars all the way for me, baby.  And as an (alleged) adult, I’ve paid for it dearly, both figuratively and literally.

  • Figuratively… in the sense that James Bond would have fostered my inner Lothario, as opposed to Luke Skywalker inspiring my inner whiny “hero.”  (Granted, I could have looked to Han Solo, but he didn’t have a lightsaber and couldn’t use the Force.)
  • Literally… in the sense that I spent way too much fucking money on toys in a bid to recapture my lost youth.

On the other hand, if I had idolized Agent 007, I might have lived a life of danger (both in and out of the bedroom), but definitely his love of gadgetry would one day complement mine.

2) I should have picked different friends.

"Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"

Some of my friends I’ve known since I was four years old.  And at times I’m left to wonder, what does a kid know?  I already mentioned that I chose to make Luke Skywalker my hero and not James Bond when I was a young ‘un.  The incident that triggered this thought:

  • A friend-that-shall-go-unnamed-(though-he-knows-who-he-is) ran around Hooters getting the entire staff to sign the calendar he purchased for his toddler son.  Although one girl was clever (and inappropriate).  She wrote:

May your dreams be wet, and your diapers stay dry.  (Or something like that.)

  • To be honest, it was the gayest heterosexual thing I’ve ever witnessed.

3) Why does twelve seem like it’s a plural form of twelf, like how it is with pants and pant?

4) If going “number one” and “number two” means what they mean, what would going “number three” on up represent?

BONUS SOBER WONDERING, WHICH I GUESS SHOULD BE A JusWondering:

Why can’t I stop watching this video?

Here’s the shortened version for a maximized quick hit:

Drunken Recollection… An Invention, A Lesson, And A Sober Realization

THE INVENTION

Free-serve beer spouts, like they have in fast food restaurants.  You could purchase a $25 glass and have at it.  The wait staff might love it or hate it, so it should be test marketed here first.  Preferably at a bar close to my home.

Fountain of Booze

THE LESSON

Don’t drink Guinness through a straw.  It looses the taste.  Although it is cute when you make a stupid joke about doing so, and the waitress follows through by bringing your next stout with a spout.

Not to be confused with chocolate milk

THE SOBER REALIZATION

“Fountain Dew” tastes really good sometimes.  That’s the Mountain Dew you get out of the fountain, if I’ve lost your attention in this complicated post.  It happens most often at Taco Bell.  Sometimes at KFC and Arby’s.  Never at Subway.  Because I hate Subway.  Fuck Subway.  I could make those sandwiches at home.

Drunken Recollection… Five Ways Jersey Shore Is Like Greenland Sharks

Drinking with friends is getting to be a problem common again, and ye of the TripleDoubleU get to reap the benefits.  

This time around, another blog’s post was brought to my attention.  Namely, this headline from IGN:  

Five Ways Jersey Shore Is Just Like Final Fantasy

Here’s one example shared by both the MTV reality show and the classic RPG:  

Shared Trait 4: Spiky Hair

 

But I’ll let you read the remainder of the list by clicking here.  You don’t have to be a huge fan of both to get it, but you should be a fan of at least one.  

Now that same night, another major item (because Jersey Shore and Final Fantasy are like huge deals) brought to my attention was that these existed:  

It's a "Somniosus microcephalus," duh.

 

Or in other words – the Greenland shark.  

Now I’d like to list some facts about the Greenland shark, and how they too are similar to the cast of Jersey Shore.  

1) Alternate names  

The extra "W" is for "WTF?"

 

  •  On the Jersey Shore, everybody has an alias, like they’re X-Men or something: Jenni is J-Woww, Nicole is Snooki, Sammi is Sweatheart, and Mike is The Situation
  • The Greenland shark has more even more nicknames: sleeper shark, gurry shark, ground shark, grey shark, or the Inuit name, Eqalussuaq.

2) Parasites  

Microscopic crustaceans ain't just for the beach!

 

  • I’m not saying that any of the cast members on Jersey Shore do have crabs, but I’m also not saying that they don’t… You just got double-negatived, which is another way of saying positive. BTW, I’m sure positive is a result this group has seen as on innumerable tests.
  • Meanwhile, the Greenland sharks play host to the creature in the picture above (the one on the right, of course).  It feasts on the shark’s eye, causing partial blindness.  Like syphilis.

3) Scavengers  

Yes. Her hat does read, "Porn Star In Training."

 

  • Snooki sure loves her pickles.
  • Greenland sharks sure their love fish, seals, reindeer, horses, and polar bears.

4) Toxic skin  

Mr. Duck Phone feels safer with the poisonous shark.

Mr. Duck Phone feels safer with the poisonous shark.

 

  • I don’t know components go into fake tan sprays or tan accelerators, and I especially don’t know how much alcohol the cast members of Jersey Shore can actually consume, but if I happened to be on a plane with them and it crash landed in the Alps – I wouldn’t eat them.
  • The flesh of the Greenland sharks, on the other fin hand, is officially poisonous.  I repeat – THIS SHARK IS POISONOUS.  Next you’ll be telling me they have razor-sharp skin, too.  (Let it be known, the toxin in their skin does produce an effect akin to extreme drunkenness, so maybe I would eat a Jersey Shore cast member in the Alps.) 

5) Legends  

They could be friends, doncha think?

 

  • Everyone loves a good story, and sometimes the shorter the better.  As for Mike of the Jersey Shore, his legend is straight to the point:

He is The Situation.  

  • Greenland sharks legends aren’t as concise:

Sedna was a girl whose father cut off her fingers while drowning her. Each finger was said to have become a sea creature, including the Greenland shark.  (via Wikipedia)  

Now that’s quite a situation.  

BONUS THING NOT HELD IN COMMON:  

  • Greenland sharks can live for up to 200 years long.  The cast of Jersey Shore will be forgotten about in five.

Drunken Recollection… Tara – The Drunk Girl At The Bar

I intended to write a Drunken Recollection on another subject (you’ll just have to wait for that now), but someone my friends and I met tonight changed all that:

Tara – The Drunk Girl at the Bar.

My friend, Chris, hosts a live trivia show at a particular bar on Mondays, and I typically don’t attend.  Nothing against him, but Mondays are one of my “laying low” days.  On this particular Garfield’s favorite day of the week, I had planned on picking up some topsoil to do some yard work before winter hits, but I got stuck late at work.  My other friend, Jeremy, had his class cancelled, and Chris’ wife Venessa was going to trivia, so  I bit.

Upon arriving, the three of us sat at the end of the bar, and Chris was at the windows.  He had to inform us that he had a fan – Tara.  As she repeatedly told everyone, she was his “ass-sistant,” and she thanked everyone with a kindly “konnichiwa” as if it was a “domo arigato.”

She was there alone no domo arigato to her friends.

She alleged it was her birthday.

She was 100% superhero drunk.

She was having fun and being goofy.

She met Chris’ “wifey” and shared the tale of how she was engaged for four years until she broke it off

…in May or March… one of those M months.  Maybe April…

because he wanted her to be a baby making machine.

She had school and worked nine-to-five and didn’t seem much older than 22.

What Tara made me question about life is this:

How responsible are we for other people?

She somehow became attached to our group (namely Chris), and I wondered who was looking out for her.  Luckily, her parents came to pick her up, but it made me think about a creepy dude I had seen in Best Buy’s parking lot prior to heading to trivia.  He stood at the edge of the lot, near his rusted minivan, with his hipster ensemble: too tight vintage clothes, an over-sized snapshot camera, and a creepy beard.  He surveyed the adjacent Meijer’s parking lot.  Something about it didn’t feel right… like I should intervene and do something…

Four Quadrant Nightmare

Four Quadrant Nightmare

Damn, this post isn’t funny at all.  It’s only the second one I wrote while slightly intoxicated, and it will no doubt (*crosses finger*) be the last.

It probably all had to do with this video I saw about Baxter earlier today…

Drunken Recollection… What I Can Remember About Camping This Summer

gijoesquirrel

Don't worry. This happened during squirrel season.

With summer finally over, it’s time for me to drunken recollect some of my camping highlights.  Outside of drinking, eating, being in the water, being on the pontoon, drinking, eating, sitting by the campfire, beach volleyball, drinking, eating, and peeing in the water, this is all I can remember:

1) A squirrel fell out of a tree.
It happened in front of a few of my family members as they were walking.  When they reached to check on the immobile rodent, it sprung back to consciousness and took off.

2) Some cyclist had this shirt on, as well as a bushy beard:

A Whopper of a beard, in fact...

A Whopper of a beard, in fact...

3) There was a plan to tie me to a chair if I passed out drunk.
It didn’t happen on the earlier summer trip, but it did happen.  At least the dumping me in the lake didn’t.

4) I pulled a boat via a rope in my teeth.
There is a picture out there I do not possess.  I do remember my jawline aching, though.

5) There was a strange song playing on the iPod we took out to the sandbar.
Turned out it was from the film, Music and Lyrics.  Here it is for your, um, pleasure?

6) In closing…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Drunken Recollection…The Mysteries Of Mexico

While on vacation a couple weeks ago in Mehico, I picked up a few things other than the Spanish language (and The Clap… you all know The Clap… it goes with this song:

and… end parenthetical).

Anyquién, I also decided I loathe the above remake, but that’s neither here nor there.  Well, it was there, at the resort, where my dislike upgraded to loathe because they played it every day at the pool.  Now onto the mysteries!

MYSTERY 1) A fair amount of time ago, a friend was telling me about a documentary he watched on Animal Planet or Discovery that was about “cutie fish.”  He told me about how they are amongst the smartest invertebrates, and about their survival methods.  Interesting, thought I, and I preceded to look them up… and found nothing.

In Mexico, some friends went snorkeling and mentioned that they saw “cuttlefish.”  Which look like this:

cuttlefish

Neither a fish, nor cute.

And match the description given by my friend in regard to “cutie fish.”

MYSTERY – SOLVED!

MYSTERY 2) In my relaxing vacational TV viewing, I stumbled across a cartoon featuring a bunch of eggs that were battling, while some eggs were tied to a roller coaster track.  One of them was friends with a strip of bacon, and one guy looked like this:

eggdude

(Not So) Artistic Representation

It didn’t help that it was in Spanish, but I’ve not been able to find anything like it on Google image search.

BONUS MYSTERY: There was some CGI black and white movie that was in English, and it had a fairly intense shower sex scene.  The main character’s name was Don Hudson, and he was being hunted by people the woman he just slept showered with called.  There were reed accents throughout.  Google search?  Nada.

MYSTERIES – UNSOLVED

MYSTERY 3) In other TV viewing, there was some crappy Danny DeVito movie (I found out was entitled, Other People’s Money), and his character’s name was Larry Garfield.  Now that’s not much on its own (although it was weird I had just watched Stand and Deliver and the school it took place at was also named Garfield High School), but after watching Shoot ‘Em Up, I theorized Odie meant “hate.”

Got home and Babel Fished it:

odietranslation

Boo-yah!  Mystery solved!  But a newer mystery remained.  Did Garfield creator Jim Davis name his yellow dog this because his feline star hated him?

Apparently, no:

Odie was based on a car dealership commercial written by Jim Davis, which featured Odie the Village Idiot.  Davis liked the name Odie and decided to use it again.

MYSTERIES – (UNSATISFACTORILY) SOLVED!

MYSTERY 4) Um, Boston Legal was called Justicia Ciega.  What did it translate to?  I figured justicia = legal, but what did ciega mean?  Well on another show or movie (I don’t recall which one), a car accident almost occurred and a woman screamed, “What are you, blind?”  Ciega flashed on the bottom.  Boston Legal = Justicia Ciega = Blind Justice.

MYSTERY – SOLVED!

MYSTERY 5) Why did I spend so much time watching TV?

MYSTERY – UNSOLVED…