Free-serve beer spouts, like they have in fast food restaurants. You could purchase a $25 glass and have at it. The wait staff might love it or hate it, so it should be test marketed here first. Preferably at a bar close to my home.
Don’t drink Guinness through a straw. It looses the taste. Although it is cute when you make a stupid joke about doing so, and the waitress follows through by bringing your next stout with a spout.
THE SOBER REALIZATION
“Fountain Dew” tastes really good sometimes. That’s the Mountain Dew you get out of the fountain, if I’ve lost your attention in this complicated post. It happens most often at Taco Bell. Sometimes at KFC and Arby’s. Never at Subway. Because I hate Subway. Fuck Subway. I could make those sandwiches at home.