Punch Drunken Recollection… Laffy Taffy Ride

My original plan for this post was to write about a collection of strangers I made up stories about while at a concert.  There was:

  • Bored Larry – this was a guy standing in front of me that would hunch over for extended periods of time, then suddenly start standing upright again… he also went by Emotional Larry because there was a chance he was moping instead of hunching
  • The Kissing Kouple – these two people couldn’t have been more mismatched… he was a Barenaked Ladies understudy; she was a less famous pin-up girl from the 40’s… and they made out the entire concert
  • Two  Jims – these two guys wouldn’t shut up behind me, bonding over the minutia of life and beer
  • Drunk Poor Man’s Parker Posey – this girl was beyond trashed and asked everybody and anybody if they were ready to leave… I believe one of the Two Jims (if not both) might have taken her up on her sad offer

But instead of doing what I just did, I decided to share some Laffy Taffy jokes my siblings and I made up while driving from Chicago to Detroit in two different cars.  Enjoy!

Not a very polite beginning, but a beginning nonetheless.

Not a very polite beginning, but a beginning nonetheless.

Too easy.

Too easy.

I was not involved in this one so I had to make color alterations.

I was not involved in this one so I had to make color alterations.

You see, my sister had this tobacco moth on her tomato plant. It was disgusting... and a terrible guess.

You see, my sister had this tobacco moth on her tomato plant. It was disgusting… and a terrible guess.

All acceptable guesses. But only one is right.

All acceptable guesses. But only one is right.

Sexist!

Sexist!

It should have been a stamp, but that Laffy Taffy joke probably exists. Hence, convention was turned on its head.

It should have been a stamp talking to an envelope, but that Laffy Taffy joke probably exists. Hence, convention was turned on its head.

Callback!

Callback!

This was in reference to me making everybody guess my favorite Wang Chung song.

This was in reference to me making everybody guess my favorite Wang Chung song.

*Head slap!* Atlantis Morrissette!

*Head slap!* Atlantis Morrissette is better!

Drunken Recollection… Urban Dictionary Wars

Last time I tried to do this, I didn’t get in (that’s what she said).  It’s probably because I mentioned Thundercats and the redickuless Rob Dyrdek.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, allow me to reiterate.  One of my friends from soccer has about nine posts on Urban Dictionary; I wanted as many or more.  It turns out I’m burned out from trying.  I will give him credit though – he said he tried many as well, but it wasn’t until he got into the 12-year-old pervert boy mindset that he hit his stride.

So my latest (and last) attempt is this:

1. when a dude has unprotected sex and immediately after regrets not putting a condom on. 2. When the one getting boned realizes there is no latex (or sheepskin if you're over 50) betwixt you both, you can exclaim "I condomeant to!" FRIEND 1: Man, this chick I was banging was in her ketchup phase... I totally condomeant to after that discovery. FRIEND 2: At least she wasn't in the "must-turd" phase.

That’s the lowest this highbrow can go.

Here ‘s hoping (for no real good particular reason).  As for the other five of my compiled entries (including the above mentioned “ketchup phase“), click here.  Maybe by the time you do, condomeant will be on that list.

(SIDENOTE: My favorite entry is kidstipated BTW, but it took three tries to get it on.  The one I gave up on was mustard phase.  I was only trying to get that on for the above joke, so I shoehorned it in.  See it’s definition below…)

mustard phase

1) After eating a lot of unhealthy food – let’s say chili cheese hot dogs – there’s a sense of urgency to reach the bathroom that grows exponentially until you reach the porcelain throne

2) The phase when you “must turd” ASAP

DUDE 1: We gotta get out of this ballpark stat! My rectum is launching into full mustard phase, and these restrooms are packed!

DUDE 2: Just use a trash bin.

Drunken Recollection… Hotness Scale In The Digital Age

I really wish I could take credit for this idea, but again it was brought up while drinking after soccer.

So the old way of rating a woman (or a dude)’s hotness was on a scale of 1 to 10…  1 being not-so, and 10 being ichiwawa.

In other words, archaic… or analog.

But since we live in the digital age, there should be a new standard for the scale.

“Visual approximation of the future.”

Hence:

THE HOTNESS SCALE FOR THE DIGITAL AGE

1 = YES

0 = NO

You’ll interface or won’t.  DOS that make sense?.

Drunken Recollection… I Couldn’t Wait For Urban Dictionary’s Approval

Where’s the Urban Thesaurus?

As I mentioned in my last post, over some drunken conversation, the subject of dirty slang terms and phrases came up arose happened.  And mind you – women were present and one provided this first term that was not on Urban Dictionary.  I was happy to submit it, but I’m still awaiting their final approval.  You can check for it maybe one day soon, but allow me to present:

  • THUMBERCATS

Thumbercats Ho, indeed.

This second one is an idea I’ve kicked around for a while, so may it one day find infamy on the UD:

  • REDICKULESS

I’m ashamed to admit I created this definition.

Drunken Recollection… Superhero Sexism? Well I Never!

So one day while drinking, the topic of superheroes came up.  (Surprise!)  In discussing whatever aspects we leaped and bound through,  we realized something:

There’s a Spider-Woman, but no Superwoman or Batwoman!

Well, since that day, I’ve done some investigating, and the others have existed.  Hence, I’m changing my postulate to this:

No major character spin-off with ‘woman’ in her title has ever had her own comic except for Spider-Woman!

But what about Wonder Woman, nerds you cry, or Catwoman!?  They aren’t spin-offs based on some male version (even though there is a Wonder Man over at Marvel, and who the hell was Catman?)…

Even Hawkwoman and Invisible Woman were originally Hawkgirl and Invisible Girl.  (Okay, so Hawkgirl and Hawkwoman are different characters, but latter hasn’t had her own comic line like the former.)

Hawkgirl gets love; Hawkwoman gets second-billing.

Anyshehulk, in the Marvel UniverseSpider-Man has nothing to do with Spider-Woman’s origin, whereas the Superwoman and Batwoman incarnations had ties to their male counterparts:

Some incarnations of Superwoman.

Some incarnations of Batwoman.

So what makes Spider-Woman so unique?  Compared to the above, Jessica Drew has almost always been Spider-Woman.  And she came before any of the other Spider-Man counterparts, too:

Spider-Girl is Spidey’s daughter, May; Spider-Boy is a mixture of Spider-Man and Superboy in a combined comic event (so in other words, not real, figuratively speaking).

Supergirl and Superboy have always been Supes‘ cousin or him as a kid (or later, a clone):

Supergirl… more like Superhot, and Superboy looks Superbored…

And as for Batgirl and Bat Boy

…you should have all seen this coming.

SIDENOTE: For more on sexism in comics, check out Women in Refrigerators… this just turned into a PSA.

Drunken Recollection… So You’re Saying Jennifer Lawrence Looks Like Olivia Munn?!

I’ve been putting off writing this Drunken Recollection for a while now because I felt like it would be too much work.  Then I realized I could make this as difficult as I wanted to, and here we go.

While out drinking with some friends upon seeing The Hunger Games (still in theaters), one of my friends exclaimed:

You know, Jennifer Lawrence kind of looks like Olivia Munn.

Okay, so he didn’t quite exclaim it, but because it shocked me, it felt like he did.  For those of you unaware of either of those ladies, here’s a refresher:

Jennifer Lawrence, meet Olivia Munn

Despite the obvious differences of hair and eye color, skin tone, noses, and lips, they both have:

  1. White teeth (welcome to Hollywood)
  2. Distinct, angled chins
  3. Narrower eyes
  4. Round faces with high cheekbones
  5. Similar bodies?

Similar bodies: check

I still don’t exactly see it though.  Perhaps if they’re both in costume:

Katniss Everdeen, meet Slave Leia... I'm sure you'll both have so much to talk about

CONCLUSION #1: I don’t see it.

CONCLUSION #2: My friend is an idiot.

CONCLUSION #3: Ladies, call me!

Drunken Recollection… Condiment Machines Full Of

Let’s face it.  Pick-up lines suck.  I recently asked a waitress at one of the gang’s usual spots what she thought of them.  My friend had a poor one that involved a vulgar nickname, whereas I tested the classic stolen by the movie Hall Pass:

How much does a polar bear weigh?  Enough to break the ice.

Cheesy as hell?  Yes.  Good?  Not really… but it’s nowhere near offensive is my point.

At this point, the waitress shared what she thought was a cute pick-up line.  I don’t know if it happened to her, and if it did, whether it worked, but here it goes… a guy hurries up to a girl holding something in his hand, and he says:

You dropped your name tag.

And he gives her this:

 

Stunned, we were.  (Talked like Yoda, we didn’t.)  Once she walked away, and the spirited conversation began.

Here are some alternates (WARNING! BY DEFAULT, THEY ARE NOT GOOD!):

SAY:

I did this to my courage to talk to you.

HAND OVER:

SAY:

I’m glad I was able to do this to you.

HAND OVER:

SAY:

I’ll do this to the time we spend together.

HAND OVER:

SAY:

I view you as this.

HAND OVER:

(SIDENOTE: This was our favorite from the night.)

SAY WHILE HANDING OVER:

ACCEPTABLE FOLLOW-UP ITEM TO HAND OVER AS YOUR RESPONSE:

UNACCEPTABLE FOLLOW-UP ITEM TO HAND OVER AS YOUR RESPONSE: