I’ve mentioned it before (here and here), and I’ll mention it again – I have a very short list of serious fears. Irrational? That list would go on forever.
Candiru (look ’em up)
I’m really beginning to rethink that order because there’s a certain type of aliens that might be the worst. But I’ll get to that in a second. Here’s the preview for what I might find the scariest movie ever made! Oh yeah… it’s called Dark Skies:
I can’t find the newest preview (nor do I really want to try that hard), but in that one, it seems that this film is about BEK’s. That’s short for Black Eyed Kids. Oh, I wish I could make a joke about the Black Eyed Peas right now, believe me.
You can click here for a Google image search of them for your own, but an image search alone won’t do it justice. Howzabout a couple of stories from the ol’ TripleDoubleU to unsettle you in…
These strange Black Eyed Children, who can appear or vanish at a moment’s notice, seem to be between the ages of 8 and 16. Their skin is pale or pasty colored, described by some as looking plastic or artificial, and their mannerisms are odd. Witnesses describe their clothing as odd and drab – blue jeans and a hoodie or very old-fashioned, handmade clothing. Bizarre electrical phenomena occurs when they are around, such as a garage door inexplicably opening.
When a man in Dallas arrived home, he saw a boy at his door who repeated “I think it’s food time. You should invite me inside.” The man’s protective pit bull came running toward the front door, but as it got closer to the boy, it whimpered and ran away, hiding under the bed for days afterward.
A man named Paul was home alone when someone knocked on this door. He opened it and saw two kids about 10 years old standing on his steps with their heads down. They said, “Hey, we just thought we’d stop in for a bit.” The kids insisted they be let into the house. Thinking they had the wrong house, Paul stepped forward to get a better look and made eye contact. Their eyes were solid black, including the sclera.
Jason Offutt, another researcher into the Black Eyed Children phenomenon, gives this account:
Around 10:45 on a warm night, as 18-year-old Carris Holdsworth approached her apartment in Lisburn, Northern Ireland, she saw two teenagers in hoodies and jeans standing in her yard with their backs to her. As she attempted to slip away unseen, she fumbled in her purse for pepper spray. At that very moment, the boys turned to face her and, as if reading her mind, one said, “No need for that, we just want to borrow your phone, miss.” When she caught a glimpse of their pitch black eyes, not a trace of white or a pupil, she panicked and raced to her apartment, locking the door behind her. The boys following close behind, knocked on her door. She ignored it. After a second knock, fearing for her safety she phoned a friend to come over. When the friend arrived, the boys ran away.
I am not a fan of Depeche Mode, but this family from Columbia sure is. After watching these, I heard Enjoy the Silence on the radio, and I couldn’t help but smile.
(SIDENOTE: When I was in high school, um, let’s see… 20 years ago… I remember this one girl gave a speech in our Honors English class about how squids are people, too. I thought, “Squids aren’t people. They’re squids!” Apparently, this is what they called goth back in the day at my school, and goths squids liked Depeche Mode. Don’t worry, I know what you’re thinking – He took Honors English?!)
My original plan for this post was to write about a collection of strangers I made up stories about while at a concert. There was:
Bored Larry – this was a guy standing in front of me that would hunch over for extended periods of time, then suddenly start standing upright again… he also went by Emotional Larry because there was a chance he was moping instead of hunching
The Kissing Kouple – these two people couldn’t have been more mismatched… he was a Barenaked Ladies understudy; she was a less famous pin-up girl from the 40’s… and they made out the entire concert
Two Jims – these two guys wouldn’t shut up behind me, bonding over the minutia of life and beer
Drunk Poor Man’s Parker Posey – this girl was beyond trashed and asked everybody and anybody if they were ready to leave… I believe one of the Two Jims (if not both) might have taken her up on her sad offer
But instead of doing what I just did, I decided to share some Laffy Taffy jokes my siblings and I made up while driving from Chicago to Detroit in two different cars. Enjoy!
Not a very polite beginning, but a beginning nonetheless.
I was not involved in this one so I had to make color alterations.
You see, my sister had this tobacco moth on her tomato plant. It was disgusting… and a terrible guess.
All acceptable guesses. But only one is right.
It should have been a stamp talking to an envelope, but that Laffy Taffy joke probably exists. Hence, convention was turned on its head.
This was in reference to me making everybody guess my favorite Wang Chung song.
SIDEDISCLAIMER: This is a dumb idea I’ve had for a while now. Deal with it. Below you will find A Handful Of Movies That Are Not Sequels To Other Movies. Why am I doing this, you might ask? My answer: education.
Black Dog / White Dog
One wags, while the other swayze.
Black Dog is an action picture about an ex-con being tricked into smuggling illegal arms. White Dog is a movie starring Kristy McNichol around her ABC School Specialdays, and oh yeah – it’s about a racist dog.
Think Like a Man / What Women Want
The themes of the films form some kind of mental Mobius strip. Better yet – Ouroboros… the snake that eats its own tail.
Despite nobody having a clue about either sex (sorry Steve Harvey – not all men operate on such basic levels, and sorry to all involved with What Women Want – women never know what they want), these films might as well be science fiction instead of comedies.
SIDENOTE: Speaking of comedies, want a good laugh? Cameron Diaz is making a sequel called What Men Want.
Act I: Food.
Act II: Sex.
Act III: Sleep.
Battleship / Clue: The Movie
I miss the days B4 B9 shit like this was made.
Sure, both are based on board games, but whereas Clue: The Movie was clever, Battleship is sunk by getting handed scrap footage from Transformers 3.
Chernobyl Diaries / Princess Diaries
And somewhere in the middle sits The Nanny Diaries.
Anygurgiwantsmunchiesandcrunchies, they share one other similarity: a fascination with dead dogs (not really).
SIDENOTE: A Coinkydonk , too? Why is this an Awful Battle? Read on.
In 1984, the last thing Burton made for Disney was a short film called Frankenweenie. This lead to him getting fired.
As for Bluth, All Dogs Go to Heaven ended his short streak of hits. Even though it developed spin-offs, it was mostly a flop following the highly successful An American Tail and The Land Before Time films. (RIP Judith Barsi)
Now that Disney and Burton made money peace over the stop-action Nightmare Before Christmas and live-action Alice in Wonderland films, he’s flipping the script on his newest film:
Why does it seem even creepier animated than the original which was live-action?!