Drunken Recollection… DrunkWonderings

While boozing with my fellow booze hounds not to long ago, a few wonderings popped in my head.  These are them (is that proper English or proper drunk-speak?):

1) As a child, I was a fan of the wrong film series.

"I've made a huge mistake."

For most of my life, it’s been Star Wars all the way for me, baby.  And as an (alleged) adult, I’ve paid for it dearly, both figuratively and literally.

  • Figuratively… in the sense that James Bond would have fostered my inner Lothario, as opposed to Luke Skywalker inspiring my inner whiny “hero.”  (Granted, I could have looked to Han Solo, but he didn’t have a lightsaber and couldn’t use the Force.)
  • Literally… in the sense that I spent way too much fucking money on toys in a bid to recapture my lost youth.

On the other hand, if I had idolized Agent 007, I might have lived a life of danger (both in and out of the bedroom), but definitely his love of gadgetry would one day complement mine.

2) I should have picked different friends.

"Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"

Some of my friends I’ve known since I was four years old.  And at times I’m left to wonder, what does a kid know?  I already mentioned that I chose to make Luke Skywalker my hero and not James Bond when I was a young ‘un.  The incident that triggered this thought:

  • A friend-that-shall-go-unnamed-(though-he-knows-who-he-is) ran around Hooters getting the entire staff to sign the calendar he purchased for his toddler son.  Although one girl was clever (and inappropriate).  She wrote:

May your dreams be wet, and your diapers stay dry.  (Or something like that.)

  • To be honest, it was the gayest heterosexual thing I’ve ever witnessed.

3) Why does twelve seem like it’s a plural form of twelf, like how it is with pants and pant?

4) If going “number one” and “number two” means what they mean, what would going “number three” on up represent?

BONUS SOBER WONDERING, WHICH I GUESS SHOULD BE A JusWondering:

Why can’t I stop watching this video?

Here’s the shortened version for a maximized quick hit:

JusWondering… Why I Have Zero Interest In “Green Zone”

As I mentioned a couple posts ago, I haven’t been to the theater since Avatar(d).  That’s mostly because of the recent slew of crappy movies (okay, Shutter Island may be an exception, but it’s reviews are certainly polarized).

We are quickly embarking on the spring releases, and one at the top of that list is the Jason Bourne, er, I mean, Matt Damon vehicle, Green Zone.  And I have zero interest in it, but it’s not for the reason you may think.

As for Actor! Matt Damon – I don’t mind him.

  • His role in Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13 bought him a lot of leeway, much like how Kiefer Sutherland did with 24.  I still can’t help but think of this when I look at him:
  • But to his credit, he was awesome in EuroTrip:

So is my problem with screenwriter Brian Helgeland?  Nope.

  • He has a free pass forever because of L.A. Confidential.  Hands down – if I could have written that script, I would have quit writing upon its completion.  And it’s not like I haven’t also enjoyed some of his other works.  Besides, his record is definitely less spotty than competent hacks David Koepp and Eric Roth.

Then it’s director Paul Greengrass, right?  Wrong.

  • I still have not seen Bourne Supremacy and Bourne Ultimatum, but I’ve heard great things about them.  On the other hand, United 93 reeked of propaganda, so I avoided it.  There is a political aspect to Green Zone, but that’s not turning me away.

Then what’s the deal?  Is it the title?  As a matter of fact – yes.

  • It’s not like I have anything against the word green (FYI: it’s also a color).  As a kid, I recall having a giant-sized coloring book about a guy that hated the Incredible Hulk, solely because he was green.  That is not what’s going on with me, even though I do associate green with environmental issues, money, boogers, and the vomiting scene in The Exorcist.

"Matt Damon!"

  • And it’s not like movies with green in the title have been bad: Soylent Green, Green Street Hooligans, The Green Mile, and the upcoming Green Lantern.
  • It all has to deal with 30 Rock, David Schwimmer, and this character:

"Greenzo!"

Happy Find… The Beardly

Also equals... "Awesome"

The last Happy Find kick I was on involved the websites with fuck in their URL.  Between Selleck Waterfall Sandwich and now The Beardly, I hope not to continue a facial hair trend.

But, you never know, considering the current state of my face:

My suggested slogans are below...

Musical Musings… So Wait, What’s Better? Being 2 Or 1?

Sugar and Spices, not in that order

When bouncing between radio stations like I do, the mind wanders along with the melodies.  Sometimes the music is anthemic; sometimes it’s depressing.  At other times, it’s flat-out confusing.

For instance, Taylor Swift (and Boys Like Girls) have a new(er) song out called Two is Better Than One (click on highlighted song titles to watch the videos).  In this song, they say that, duh, being two is better than one.

And here I thought couples were supposed to become a singular entity?  At least that’s what the Spice Girls taught me with their song 2 Become 1 (shouldn’t it be “2 B3cm 1“?)

Singer/songwriter/crooked teeth-haver Jewel stated the same thing with her 2 B3cm 1, I mean, 2 Become 1.

U2 proclaimed that Two Hearts Beat as One, and they’re not alone in that sentiment.  Long ago, Stacey Q agreed that Two of Hearts should beat as one, and Phil Collins even crooned that Two Hearts are best when they’re believing in just one, um, mind.

What about when there are more than two hearts?  Ask Feist and Plain White T’s about 1234?

Village People 2K10

SIDENOTE: Weezer might agree with Boys Like Girls and Taylor Swift because they sing I Want You Two… oh, it’s I Want You To.  Well, then what about in their ditty Can’t Stop Partying?

In that tune, Lil Wayne (ugh) makes an appearance and auto-tune (ugh) raps:

Party like tomorrow is my funeral
Gotta stop mixing alcohol with pharmaceuticals
And the unusual is the fucking usual
Man, my life is beautiful and my girls are mutual

The key word there is mutual.  What does he mean by saying that?

The definition of mutual is this:

  1. (a.) Reciprocally acting or related; reciprocally receiving and giving; reciprocally given and received; reciprocal; interchanged; as, a mutual love, advantage, assistance, aversion, etc.
  2. (a.) Possessed, experienced, or done by two or more persons or things at the same time; common; joint; as, mutual happiness; a mutual effort.

So see?  Weezer via Lil Wayne agree that two is better than one.

finis

Awful Battle… Dongs On Film

They appear to be well-hung, I mean, done.

SIDENOTE: Chalk this post up to one I wish I never started, but finished because I did.

We’re two months in and I’ve yet been to the theater this year.  Well, I’ve seen Avatar (ick), but I don’t remember if I saw that in the last two weeks of the last decade or not.  (I double-checked my credit card statement; I saw it December 27th.)

Anywang, I’m blaming my absence at the cinema on something other than the lack of exciting flicks that have been released so far.  I’m pointing my finger (not literally) at phallophobia.  Or in layman’s terms – the fear of dongs.

2009 was a banner year for weenies popping up in movies, so to speak.  With the trend moving towards 3D films, I hope the two never shall meat, er, I mean, meet.

Here’s a list I’ve compiled from other lists (Amazon, Salon, Slate), and I take most of them at their word.  Some of these are Peters I’ve met, and some are Dicks I hope to avoid.

  • 1980 – Blue Lagoon / Christopher Atkins
  • 1980 – American Gigolo / Richard Gere
  • 1983 – Breathless / Richard Gere
  • 1991 – At Play in the Fields of the Lord / Tom Berenger
  • 1992 – The Crying Game / Jaye Davidson
  • 1992 – Bad Lieutenant / Harvey Keitel
  • 1993 – The Piano / Harvey Kietel
  • 1994 – Color of Night / Bruce Willis
  • 1996 – The Pillow Book (and Trainspotting) / Ewan McGregor
  • 1997 – Boogie Nights / Mark Wahlberg (sort of)
  • 1998 – Wild Things / Kevin Bacon
  • 1998 – Velvet Goldmine / Ewan McGregor
  • 2001 – Super Troopers / Kevin Heffernan
  • 2003 – Young Adam / Ewan McGregor (again!)
  • 2003 – Brown Bunny / Vincent Gallo
  • 2004 – Sideways / M.C. Gainey
  • 2004 – Kinsey / Peter Sarsgaard
  • 2006 – Borat / Sacha Baron Cohen, in photo (?) and censored hotel battle
  • 2007 – Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story / Unknown and don’t care to
  • 2007 – Eastern Promises / Viggo Mortensen
  • 2007 – The Simpsons Movie / Bart Simpson
  • 2008 – Forgetting Sarah Marshall / Jason Segel
  • 2009 – Bruno / Sacha Baron Cohen (was it his talking Johnson?)
  • 2009 – Watchmen / Dr. Manhattan
  • 2009 – Observe and Report / The Flasher, also don’t care to know more
  • 2009 – The Hangover / Ken Jeong, and perhaps Zach Galifianakis

In closing, I fear this may be the most comprehensive list of filmed penises on the web, and for that reason alone it was a truly Awful Battle.

If only there was a site that detailed all the female nudity out there…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… We Are The World

Just like (almost*) all remakes, We Are the World doesn’t even hold a candle to the original.  The thrill of all those superstars getting together for a great cause was unprecedented… at least for 1985.  No one seemed to be involved for the face time or the advancement of their careers because they already had plenty of face time and stable careers.

Soloists from the 1985 version (known as USA for Africa):

Not one of them (not even Kim Carnes, who had previously won two Grammy’s for Bette Davis Eyes) was an obscure artist.  Sure, chorus had its odd inclusions (Dan Aykroyd and Bette Midler par exemple), but the overall tone of the arrangement felt sincere.  Especially since Madonna wasn’t any part of it.

LINGERING QUESTION: Why didn’t Smokey Robinson get a solo part?

Now before ripping, um, getting into the new Artists for Haiti version, I must give pause to ponder: are my feelings based in nostalgia (which is like an underage female robot), or in actual taste?  Has the concept of this type of project been tainted by the likes of Voices that Care, I’m Fucking Ben Affleck, 30 Rock’s Kidney Now, and Huey Lewis’ I Am the World (videos below)?  Or am I simply jaded?

Without further ado, ughWe Are the World 25 for Haiti (skip to the 1:12 mark to get around the egomaniac that is Jamie Foxx):

Could you make it through the entire thing?  You’re a brave soul indeed.  Now I can’t really fault or knock the intentions or the cause, but here are some things that I can knock:

  • Who the fuck is Justin Baby Bieber and why the fuck is he taking Lionel Richie’s spot?  Oh, he’s a YouTube star?  My bad.  (*wanking motion*)
  • A Pussycat Doll?  Srsly?
  • Academy Award-winning, non-American Idol-winning Jennifer Hudson can sing.  That’s for sure, but compared to the grouping above (save poor Kim Carnes), is she that big of a star?  (I was being figurative, no pun intended… even though I love puns.)
  • Even though I didn’t know who Jennifer Nettles was, I found out she’s from Sugarland.  I know think they’re a popular country band, so she earns her Kenny Rogers card.
  • The next stretch I can approve of: Tony BennettJanet Jackson, and Barbra Streisand. My only problem (besides the reused MJ footage) is it feels like foot-stomping.  (Foot-stomping = “Wah!  I didn’t get my turn!”)
  • Josh Groban and Mary J. Blige are welcome parties, but their presence (see what I did there?) reminded me of their comedy appearances below.
  • Fuck Miley Cyrus.  I don’t mean literally, of course.  Because she’s underage (and maybe a robot).
  • Enrique Iglesias has been around awhile, has family credentials, and brings a Latin flair, so okay.
  • Jamie Foxx simply leaves a bad taste in my mouth, er, ears, or whatever with his Ray Charles impression, so fuck him.
  • Another deserved stretch: Wyclef JeanAdam Levine (of Maroon 5), PinkBeBe Winans, Usher, Celine Dion, Fergie, and Toni Braxton, with passes for Mary Mary (gospel singers) and Isaac Slade (of The Fray).

This is when it turns Just Shitty:

In closing:

  • Why is the Pussycat Doll shown so much?
  • Why weren’t these artists given solos over some of the others: Gladys Knight, Natalie Cole, Faith Evans, or Rob Thomas (amongst others in the chorus)?
  • Srsly, why is the Pussycat Doll shown so much?
  • Why did Paul Haggis have to direct this?  And why couldn’t he get the core soloists together like in the original?
  • What is Wyclef saying at the end of the song?  Unity?  Piety?  R.U.T.?
  • And I just can’t shake the feeling that all these people have the same agent…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

*Dawn of the Dead and The Hills Have Eyes were decent remakes.