Month: June 2011

InASense, Lost… Go The F–k To Sleep (Plus Bonus Kid Violence!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This book was obviously produced with tongue planted firmly in the toilet:

But I don't wanna... there's tigers...

But I think the best part is this unembeddable video (at least for WordPress) featuring Samuel L. Jackson reading it.  Totally worth checking out.

Also totally worth checking out is this song by Is Tropical called The Greeks featuring kids destroying other kids in the style of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?  It’s probably more fun/questionable than the above book:

A Handful Of… Non-Superhero Superhero Movies

Posted on by sgottahurt

For this small list, I wanted to highlight the non-canon, non-superhero superheroes of modern cinema.  And I’m not counting anything like Darkman, Blankman, Meteor Man, or My Super Ex-Girlfriend.  Some of these entries are obvious – some are not.

Look!  Up in the sk– over there!  It’s A Handful Of Non-Superhero Superhero Movies!

  • The Movie: The Matrix
  • The Non-Superhero Superhero: Neo (Thomas A. Anderson)

"There may be no spoon, but that's a lot of bullets!"

The Matrix as a stand-alone film is a story similar to the recent Green Lantern movie.  Whereas Hal Jordan was found by Abin Sur who explained he was “chosen,” Neo was found by Morpheus under the same pretenses.  Until Hal/Neo believed in himself, he wasn’t quite the hero he was destined to be.  Also, Neo’s code-vision was green.  Mjusayin’.

  • The Movie: Unbreakable
  • The Non-Superhero Superhero: The Security Guard (David Dunn)

"I know things others don't. It's like a sixth sense."

Like Thor, David Dunn was always a god… he just didn’t know his full potential.  And in a series of (destructive) moves that would make Loki proud, Mr. Glass pushed David to find the hero he could be.  Even though it’s an M. Night Shitamalan flick, I’m still awaiting the sequel.

  • The Movie: District 9
  • The Non-Superhero Superhero: Man-Prawn (Wikus van de Merwe)

"Somebody get me to the EYE-C-U! Stat!"

Swamp Thing is about a scientist, Dr. Alec Holland, who is filled with good intentions that ends up becoming one of the swamp things he’s trying to protect; Wikus van de Merwe isn’t as noble as Dr. Holland, but as he becomes one of the “prawns” he’s trying to relocate, his selfish actions end up leading to (hopeful) liberation for all.  Waiting on this sequel, too.

  • The Movie: The Dead Zone
  • The Non-Superhero Superhero: The Assassin (Johnny Smith)

"I need more cow bell."

Stephen King is probably better at writing Non-Supervillain Supervillians (Firestarter, Carrie, Cujo, Christine), but The Dead Zone is kind of the exception.  After waking from a coma, Johnny Smith develops the ability to see the future of anyone he touches.  Upon shaking the hand of a senator, he becomes determined to assassinate him because of all the ill he’ll cause the world.  In this way, he’s a lot like The Punisher – an anti-hero vigilante that’s kinda creepy.

  • The Movie: They Live
  • The Non-Superhero Superhero: Nada

"I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'd really like some bubblegum."

Batman may have had a bunch of gadgets to help him make the world a brighter place.  All Nada needs is a pair of sunglasses.  And a shotgun.  And like he says above – some bubblegum.

Comprised of living, breathing "blue genes"...

Come on… they really fit all four of those girls the same?!  It must be made of unstable molecules just like the Fantastic Four’s costumes.

Hibbidy-Wah?! True Love Takes Hard Wood

Posted on by sgottahurt

I caught a portion of this story on CNN one night while I was at the bar (where else would I be).  And there’s tons tens of videos of this “couple” on YouTube (unfortunately a lot of them are mocking the lovebirds):

Sightings of them walking along roadsides in New York are so common, they even have a Facebook page.

What’s amazing to me is that he’s been devoted to her for 25 years, and she hasn’t changed a bit.

 

Happy Find… “It’s Like A Toy You Can Eat!”

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve already placed my orders for everyone’s birthday and Christmas presents!  Sorry I couldn’t keep it a surprise!

I’m glad the Happy Hot Dog Man can be made out of any kind of hot dog, and that I can get them in both red and yellow!

I can’t contain my excitement any longer!  I must dance like the Happy Hot Dog Man!

Sh–ty To Just Sh–tier… Sobe’s Too Long Oolong Radio Commercial

Posted on by sgottahurt

This MF’n FM commercial drives me almost up the wall when I’m driving.  I’ve been trying to record it to share with the masses for a while now, but I’ve finally caught it and bottled it up to torture you.  I missed the first oolong, but I certainly got the rest, as well as all the goji pears, if that’s how you even spell it.

Fuck you, Sobe.  Fuck you hard.  Except for this.  This you did all right.

(SIDENOTE: I know Piccolo’s name is not Goji Pear, but Oolong is definitely right.)

Awful Battle… Douchey Wool-Pullers

Posted on by sgottahurt

I would like to bring up a new branch of douchebags, as the post title suggests.  This group can be used as a warning signal, something we look to in order to insure it never happens again.  These are the douchebags that pulled the wool over our eyes, and tricked us into thinking they were as cool as they thought they were.

So here lies the ultimate Awful Battle… of the Douchey Wool-Pullers:

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Dane Cook

Done Cooked, more like it.

I would say Cook seemed to explode on the comedy scene, but he would only spin it into some jizz joke.  Who knows how long he worked on his material?  (That doesn’t sound right either.)  Who knows why he caught on so fast?  I’ll even admit to enjoying him at the get go, and with an upcoming movie career, I believe I even hailed him as the next Steve Martin (compliment or not).  But when all the shit came out about his liberal borrowing of other comics’ bits, bits of me died for thinking Dane Cook was once cool, when really, he was a douchebag.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Scott Stapp of Creed

Scott Stop, more like it.

Really, this one is more our collective fault than anything else.  Though his level of douchebaggery may be high, his level of trickery/wool-pulling is not so.  We caught him early, mostly because he claimed to be Christian rock and wore leather pants and left his wife after having a kid and had that alleged sex tape with Kid Rock (and girl groupies) and need I go on?  I really did like Higher, My Own Prison, and With Arms Wide Open, though… what’s wrong with me?

DOUCHY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Fred Durst

Fred Duh, more like it.

Like Stapp and Cook, he appeared out of thin air that was apparently quite chilly, since he often appeared in his puffy jacket and backwards hat.  He was quite popular from the word nookie, and was in the pop music backlash crowd that included Eminem and the Wu Tang Clan.  But soon after, his song Break Stuff became like his anthem, and he was pissing people off at Woodstock ’99 (allegedly instigating the riot which lead to some rapes), Eminem and D12, Slipknot, Christina Aguilera, and Britney Spears.  I also remember hearing that Durst got pissy because Aaron Lewis of Staind never thanked him for putting them on the map.  Oh yeah… he had a sex tape, too.  Gross.  It’s a shame I picked his remake of George Michael’s Faith as the greatest rock remake of an 80’s song.

DOUCHEY WOOL-PULLER RATING

Kanye West

Kanye Messed, more like it.

I still maintain that West’s The College Dropout album is one of the best I’ve ever listened to, but we all know how fool full of  himself he is.  And how much he loves his Louis Vuittons and all other fashion whatevers… gah!  That stuff bores me.  Rap about important things (Jesus Walks, All Falls Down)!  Or even fun things (Slow Jamz)!  Not designer clothes!

DOUCHEY PULL-OVER RATING

M. Night Shyamalan

M. Not (!) Shyamalan, more like it.

How can someone make two incredibly cool films (The Sixth Sense and yes, Unbreakable), and not only get to keep making more films, but worse and worse films!  And then… AND THEN!  He has the audacity to say we, the audience, just don’t get it!  It takes something to rank pretty high on my Scale of Fury.  He’s at Rage Level 8 (out of 10).

_________________________________________________________________________

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

  • LeBron James and George Lucas

Though they may not be as cool as we once thought, they have not gone full douchebag.  They’ve come close, though.

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS:

  • Michael Bay and Brett Ratner

They never pulled any wool over anyone’s eyes.

In Defense Of… LeBron James

Posted on by sgottahurt

Talk about a double-take.

Millions of Americans are probably more than ecstatic to join in the schadenfreude that is the defeat of LeBron James and his Miami Heat at the hands of the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals, so I’m taking on my biggest challenge yet.  I am going to be In Defense Of one of the most indefensible players in all professional sports.  So where to begin?

The Beginning

  • LeBron James was born in Ohio and he played for a team from Ohio.  So that’s something.

Even though he was drafted?

  • Um… from 2006 to 2010, he lead the Cleveland Cavaliers to the appearances in the playoffs.  In 2007, he took them all the way to the The Finals, the team’s only appearance.  That’s pretty good.

Wasn’t that the season that one ref got busted for fixing games?

The Betrayal

When “The Decision” was made to switch teams before this past season, James took a lot of heat for the way he went about it.  He has since apologized for that course of action, and even though some may have viewed it as coming a bit too late, he still did it.  Remember, he didn’t have to do it at all.

When the Heat fell to the Mavericks in only six games, James took a lot of slack for this comment:

All the people that were rooting for me to fail, at the end of the day, they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that. They can get a few days or a few months or whatever the case may be on being happy about not only myself, but the Miami Heat not accomplishing their goal, but they have to get back to the real world at some point.

Taken out of context, it can come off as pretentious and douche-y, but he even had to clarify this.  And he didn’t have to:

Basically, I was saying, at the end of the day, this season is over and with all the hatred not only myself, everyone else has to move on with their lives as well. They have to move on with their lives and their day-to-day, good or bad, and I do, too. At the end of the day, I’ve got to move on with my life. So it wasn’t saying that I’m superior or better than anyone else, any man or woman on this planet. I’m not.

Let’s think about his decision in real world terms:

  • He was 25 years old
  • He was presented a chance to play with a team that has won a championship
  • That team is managed by Pat Riley who has 6 championships under his belt (one as player, five as coach)
  • Florida vs. Ohio
  • Miami vs. Cleveland

The Final Breakdown

I could go into a dovetail of defenses, stating at least he hasn’t been caught sexting, he hasn’t been accused of rape, he hasn’t been involved in any dogfighting rings, or he hasn’t shot himself in the leg, but I won’t.

Everybody’s mad at him because he’s a Midwestern kid that turned his back on the Midwest and made a big deal about it.  He got cocky.  That’s really the root of it all in a nutshell.

I heard one reporter state that when James first returned to face the Cavaliers in his new uniform, the fans could have affected his game much more by giving a standing ovation – not booing.  He would have regretted his choice, potentially, rather than feed his drive to prove every one of his old fans wrong.

The Slamdunk

After all of this, you may agree or disagree, but I have one last line of defense.  Of all the athletes that have taken a crack at acting (O.J. Simpson, Shaquille O’Neal, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Michael Jordan, Brett Favre, Dan Marino), I feel LeBron James (all the LeBrons) may be the best:

It’s too bad his first film has been postponed, a comedy entitled Ballers.  They claim to still be developing the script, but perhaps their reconsidering just the title…

Bawlers

(There’s more Nike commercials featuring The LeBrons after the jumpshot…)

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JusWondering… Why Has Hollywood Never Thought Of This?

Posted on by sgottahurt

"It's not a tumah!"

In all the (hundred or so) years of movie making, I’m surprised that not one film took advantage of this gimmick:

Calling the sequel to a film – ORIGINAL TITLE, JR.

Sure, there’s plenty of Actors! that already employ this gimmick.  Robert Downey; Cuba Gooding; Ed Begley.  But no movie titles… aside from the 1994 Arnold Schwarzenegger classic pictured above.

Here’s a list of films that used either Part II, Part 2, or in one case, Part Deux:

  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
  • The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
  • The Hangover Part II
  • Hostel: Part II
  • The Godfather: Part II
  • Back to the Future Part II
  • Father of the Bride Part II
  • The Karate Kid, Part II
  • Hot Shots! Part Deux
  • Rambo: First Blood Part II
  • Friday the 13th Part 2
  • Fright Night Part 2
  • Return of the Living Dead Part II
  • The Toxic Avenger Part II
  • The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 (1985)
  • Meatballs Part II
  • …and other worse ones…

How funny would it have been to call one of them, ORIGINAL TITLE, JR!  Well, probably not most of them, but Meatballs, Jr. sounds tasty.  Hot Shots! Jr, Return of the Living Dead, Jr, and The Toxic Avenger, Jr. might have worked, too.

The main reason studios probably haven’t taken advantage of this move is because it evokes a child version of the original, à la The Muppet Babies.  Or worse… it evokes “Son Of” entitled films:

  • Son of the Mask
  • Son of Kong
  • Son of Flubber
  • Son of the Pink Panther
  • Son of Paleface
  • Son of Frankenstein
  • Son of Dracula
  • Son of Godzilla

Along my line of thinking, Grease 2 was almost called Son of Grease, because it’s funny.  It evokes a type of movie that’s a send-up and a celebration of the original.  On the other hand, Seed of Chucky was almost called Son of Chucky, but I’d imagine “Son Of” wasn’t gross enough.

(SIDENOTE: Son of Rambow is another excellent example of my theory, as it could have also been called Rambow, Jr.  Don’t miss this incredible, heartfelt movie.)

So what can Hollywood take away from this free advice?

Give it a shot.  The next time an unoriginal film gets a sequel, slap a Jr. on it.  It’s not like Scary Movie, Jr. could suck more, and at least the title would make me smile…

Worth 1002 Words… Local Billboards Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Phone Sexless

Some alternates:

  • Fake Number…
  • …As Usual
  • Dialing Strip
  • 1-800-RUNAWAY?

Guy's Gynecologist

Some alternates:

  • Oh, Baby!
  • Minstrel Cycle
  • Beards Unbound!
  • Pap Smile

Drunken Recollection… Rihanna Sold Her Soul To The Devil?

Posted on by sgottahurt

My friend Jay works with a bunch of middle-aged shop guys (please take that as a euphemism), and as is common practice amongst those in that industry, the loony bin rejects spew a bunch of bullshit out of their mouths (so much for any euphemisms).

Every so often, Jay asks me to check out the validity of comets heading towards Earth, or if there really are three-breasted women doing porn.  And I do – often in the name of Drunken Recollections.  This latest effort is to get to the bottom of whether Rihanna’s song Umbrella is about how she sold her soul to The Devil.

This video is even long for my tastes, but I recommend checking it all out for curiosity’s sake (or jump to about the 4:30 mark):

That’s some heavy crazy analysis.  This one sees Satan in another place (his “semen” I guess):

And click here for a complete breakdown of the lyrics.

So What Do I Ultimately Think?

 

If someone can analyze the hell out of a video (so to speak) and find images of the occult, or the Illuminati, or whatever, then someone making a video could have just as easily put all those things in there.  Does it mean Rihanna or Jay-Z are Satanists?  Who cares.  Worshipping Baphomet at least makes more sense than worshipping Xenu…

…and for the record, let’s not bring this up again when drinking, Jay.  It’s kind of a buzz killer.
Because I’m kind of afraid.