Happy Find… Love, World-Style

This is why I travel.  Oh wait.  Am I supposed to film every step of the way?



In My Brain While Sleeping… Toy Story 4

Could it be true?  A real Toy Story 4?  I wonder if it will be anywhere as existential as this dream I had.

To start, all of the beloved characters from all three movies were all together in a store in their original packaging.

Kinda like this. Or exactly.

What became apparent was that all of the Buzz Lightyears were not alive, but only one.  This was the same with the whole gang.  As they worked on escaping their prisons, they soon realized their spirits could shift from one figure to the next.

Kinda like this. Or exactly.

Tim Allen made a guest appearance at this point to explain things to them.

Exactly not like this.

This is along the lines of what he said:

Your souls are not restricted to just the action figures or dolls that you are.  You can take over any form of yourself.

So then they all transferred their spirits to the balloons bearing their likenesses.  Tim Allen was gracious enough to take all their balloons through the front door and let them roam free.  Buzz asked to be held onto a moment longer to share a special goodbye.

Buzz: So this is it?

Tim: Yes, Buzz.  It’s time to go.

Buzz: Okay, Tim.  To infinity…

Tim: …and beyond.

Then he let the balloon go.  But the dream didn’t end there.

My “brain-camera” pulled back into the store and shifted over to another aisle.

The aisle with Transformers, G.I. Joe, and Star Wars.

And they were alive, too.

In Defense Of… Michael Bay

This might be the hardest one yet.  (Why do I have a feeling that will always be the feeling?)

I’m about speak In Defense Of

Michael. Fucking. Bay.

"I get bold, italics, underlining, periods, and fucking? Boom goes the dynamite... and everything else!"

I didn’t think I’d get here so soon, but it’s befitting since Transformers: Dark of the Moon is finally here.  I haven’t seen it yet, but moron more on that soon.

Where can I begin my defense?

  • He’s certainly has a knack for creating great visual spectacles. 

But that argument can be countered by pointing out how shaky the fight scenes were in the first two Transformers films, or how explosions stand in for plot progression.  Another issue is his childish – nay – infantile sense of humor that leaks through into his films (peeing robots and robots with balls, for example).

  • People really like his movies.

Do they?  Do they really?  Or is it the spectacle as mentioned above. Let’s run through his catalog real quick, accompanied by Rotten Tomatoes’ aggregated ratings:

  1. Bad Boys (43%)
  2. The Rock (67%)
  3. Armageddon (40%)
  4. Pearl Harbor (25%)
  5. Bad Boys II (23%)
  6. The Island (40%)
  7. Transformers (57%)
  8. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (20%)
  9. Transformers: Dark of the Moon (37%)

How many are technically great movies?  The Rock?  How much of that was due to Nick Cage, Sean Connery, and Ed Harris, though?

And don’t get me started with his production company, Platinum Dunes.  They’re responsible for most of the crappy horror film remakes that have come out in the last eight years.  So no… it’s not that people really like his movies.

  • People really like going to his movies.

He’s the eighth highest domestic grossing director up to 2009 for a reason.   Hell, I have to admit I’ve seen every single one of those movies above at the theater except the latest one, and I can’t wait to see it this weekend!  It looks like the special effects are really cleaned up, and I’ll be able to tell what the Transformers are doing!  I’m probably even going to pay extra to see 3D, and I typically hate 3D!

I know I’ve talked shit about him many times before, and I probably will in the future, but my biggest defense for him is that he gets people to the theaters.  That’s his job and he does it well.  Once we’re there, well, that’s a different story about story and content.  But I’m usually content.  I don’t hate his films with the same ferocity I unleash on Brett Ratner’s greasy prints or  M. Night Shyamalan’s twit-twisters (I avoid their films like the plague).

  • Above all else, Michael Bay is a skilled, technical filmmaker.

Being a flawed storyteller doesn’t make him bad.  If that was the case, I’d bitch about Tim Burton more often.

(SIDENOTE: If I can’t get convince you with any of the above, then you should know this.  When he was a kid, he donated all his Bar Mitzvah money to a local animal shelter.  That’s something.)

Drunken Recollection… Types Of Bums Venn Diagram

I could have scribbled this post of drunken ramblings about how much a stone weighs in Britain (14 lbs.), or what the temperature of horse blood is (98-101°F) and how it pertains to the creation of degrees Fahrenheit, but I won’t.

Instead, I’m going to have a Drunken Recollection about bums.  And I’m not talking about bums in a mean, anti-homeless way.  This is merely an examination of the variety of terms used in regard to bums.

We were at the bar discussing the wide array of names used in books, television, and cinema, and how there was no real differentiation between types.

Until now.

Allow me to present a Venn diagram that I made to display the degrees of differences.  It took two attempts, because my first one didn’t truly capture the essence of a Venn diagram.

Agree?  Disagree?  Disapprove?  Let me know in the comments.  My excuse will be simply: “I was drunk.”  Which could be a phrase muttered by many of those below…

JusWondering… Who Is Going To Be Bad Next?

I think I’m starting to see a pattern:

Um... the pattern is... THEY'RE ALL POSTERS!

Well okay, Bad Boys doesn’t exactly fit the post no bills bill, but Bad Teacher is definitely cut from the same red velvet as Bad Santa.

You’ve got adults in child-rearing situations that aren’t fit to rear (or be reared) by anybody.  In all actuality, I’m really surprised this film didn’t have this title:

They're so irreverent!

So I have to ask… what’s next?  Who else should get the “bad” treatment?

Adding "bad" to the front automatically makes these comedies, right?

Missed one!

Oooh!  Maybe they could make a movie called Bad Bosses?

Eh, close enough.