Month: June 2011
In My Brain While Sleeping… Toy Story 4
Could it be true? A real Toy Story 4? I wonder if it will be anywhere as existential as this dream I had.
To start, all of the beloved characters from all three movies were all together in a store in their original packaging.
Kinda like this. Or exactly.
What became apparent was that all of the Buzz Lightyears were not alive, but only one. This was the same with the whole gang. As they worked on escaping their prisons, they soon realized their spirits could shift from one figure to the next.
Kinda like this. Or exactly.
Tim Allen made a guest appearance at this point to explain things to them.
Exactly not like this.
This is along the lines of what he said:
Your souls are not restricted to just the action figures or dolls that you are. You can take over any form of yourself.
So then they all transferred their spirits to the balloons bearing their likenesses. Tim Allen was gracious enough to take all their balloons through the front door and let them roam free. Buzz asked to be held onto a moment longer to share a special goodbye.
Buzz: So this is it?
Tim: Yes, Buzz. It’s time to go.
Buzz: Okay, Tim. To infinity…
Tim: …and beyond.
Then he let the balloon go. But the dream didn’t end there.
My “brain-camera” pulled back into the store and shifted over to another aisle.
The aisle with Transformers, G.I. Joe, and Star Wars.
And they were alive, too.
In Defense Of… Michael Bay
This might be the hardest one yet. (Why do I have a feeling that will always be the feeling?)
I’m about speak In Defense Of…
"I get bold, italics, underlining, periods, and fucking? Boom goes the dynamite... and everything else!"
I didn’t think I’d get here so soon, but it’s befitting since Transformers: Dark of the Moon is finally here. I haven’t seen it yet, but moron more on that soon.
Where can I begin my defense?
- He’s certainly has a knack for creating great visual spectacles.
But that argument can be countered by pointing out how shaky the fight scenes were in the first two Transformers films, or how explosions stand in for plot progression. Another issue is his childish – nay – infantile sense of humor that leaks through into his films (peeing robots and robots with balls, for example).
- People really like his movies.
Do they? Do they really? Or is it the spectacle as mentioned above. Let’s run through his catalog real quick, accompanied by Rotten Tomatoes’ aggregated ratings:
- Bad Boys (43%)
- The Rock (67%)
- Armageddon (40%)
- Pearl Harbor (25%)
- Bad Boys II (23%)
- The Island (40%)
- Transformers (57%)
- Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (20%)
- Transformers: Dark of the Moon (37%)
How many are technically great movies? The Rock? How much of that was due to Nick Cage, Sean Connery, and Ed Harris, though?
And don’t get me started with his production company, Platinum Dunes. They’re responsible for most of the crappy horror film remakes that have come out in the last eight years. So no… it’s not that people really like his movies.
- People really like going to his movies.
He’s the eighth highest domestic grossing director up to 2009 for a reason. Hell, I have to admit I’ve seen every single one of those movies above at the theater except the latest one, and I can’t wait to see it this weekend! It looks like the special effects are really cleaned up, and I’ll be able to tell what the Transformers are doing! I’m probably even going to pay extra to see 3D, and I typically hate 3D!
I know I’ve talked shit about him many times before, and I probably will in the future, but my biggest defense for him is that he gets people to the theaters. That’s his job and he does it well. Once we’re there, well, that’s a different story about story and content. But I’m usually content. I don’t hate his films with the same ferocity I unleash on Brett Ratner’s greasy prints or M. Night Shyamalan’s twit-twisters (I avoid their films like the plague).
- Above all else, Michael Bay is a skilled, technical filmmaker.
Being a flawed storyteller doesn’t make him bad. If that was the case, I’d bitch about Tim Burton more often.
(SIDENOTE: If I can’t get convince you with any of the above, then you should know this. When he was a kid, he donated all his Bar Mitzvah money to a local animal shelter. That’s something.)
Awful/Awesome Battle… Some Animals Are Heroes, Some Are Dicks
The world is a crazy place. People hurt one another just as much as they help one another. Is it the same with animals?
(GIF’s via AnimalsBeingDicks.com)
Drunken Recollection… Types Of Bums Venn Diagram
I could have scribbled this post of drunken ramblings about how much a stone weighs in Britain (14 lbs.), or what the temperature of horse blood is (98-101°F) and how it pertains to the creation of degrees Fahrenheit, but I won’t.
Instead, I’m going to have a Drunken Recollection about bums. And I’m not talking about bums in a mean, anti-homeless way. This is merely an examination of the variety of terms used in regard to bums.
We were at the bar discussing the wide array of names used in books, television, and cinema, and how there was no real differentiation between types.
Until now.
Allow me to present a Venn diagram that I made to display the degrees of differences. It took two attempts, because my first one didn’t truly capture the essence of a Venn diagram.
Agree? Disagree? Disapprove? Let me know in the comments. My excuse will be simply: “I was drunk.” Which could be a phrase muttered by many of those below…
JusWondering… Who Is Going To Be Bad Next?
I think I’m starting to see a pattern:
Um... the pattern is... THEY'RE ALL POSTERS!
Well okay, Bad Boys doesn’t exactly fit the post no bills bill, but Bad Teacher is definitely cut from the same red velvet as Bad Santa.
You’ve got adults in child-rearing situations that aren’t fit to rear (or be reared) by anybody. In all actuality, I’m really surprised this film didn’t have this title:
They're so irreverent!
So I have to ask… what’s next? Who else should get the “bad” treatment?
Adding "bad" to the front automatically makes these comedies, right?
Missed one!
Oooh! Maybe they could make a movie called Bad Bosses?
Eh, close enough.
Worth 1002 Words… I Want To Shrink And Go To There Edition
For Broccolease
Features included:
- Cathedral Skylegumes
- Corncob Piping
- Wine Celery
- Potato Couches
(via)
monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Only Time Will Tell
This is a new category I’ve thought about for quite a while, so I guess it’s only technically new to you. I’ve only had this blog for two and a half men years, so these are my imaginary blog posts from the past. This one takes place in 2004.
A steno pad made of rock? Didn't they have animal skin to write on?
– Remember when everyone was making a fuss about Halle Berry playing a character named Sharon Stone, in The Flintstones live action film?
– Remember how the part was supposed to be played by the real Sharon Stone, but she backed out to be in Diabolique?
– Remember how they thought about changing her name to Rosetta Stone, but the producers were afraid people wouldn’t get the reference to the key that unlocked ancient languages?
– Remember how Halle Berry celebrated the fact that they didn’t change the name?
– Remember how Sharon Stone regretted not taking part in the film?
Well, you probably don’t since that was ten long years ago, back in 1994.
Now it’s 2004, and Sharon Stone is about to get her revenge against Halle Berry in Catwoman (which looks awesome BTW). Stone plays Laurel Hedare, the head of a cosmetics company Berry’s Patience Phillips works at. I heard there’s a great fight scene between them, but seeing as how difficult it is to put videos on the TripleDoubleU at this point, you’ll just have to imagine what it will be like.
I heard that the same kind of thing when down during the casting of Office Space:
The real Michael Bolton is still upset.
Musical Musings… Randy Newman Could Have Been In Coldplay
Their skin tones don't match.
My sister was recently listening to this song on Sirius XM and it suddenly occurred to her that Coldplay’s front man, Chris Martin, kinda sounds like Randy Newman.
Here’s the song in question, Everything’s Not Lost:
Now here’s Randy Newman’s Losing You (ha!) from Toy Story 3:
My concern over her revelation is that the two will be forever connected in my mind, like that picture above. Just like when I realized Shakira sings a lot like Kermit the Frog…
Their skin tones don't match, either.
Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Haven’t You Saved Me / Attacked Me Before?
When I began working on this post, I honestly thought I’d be hard-pressed to find even five Actors! that starred in multiple comic book film adaptations. What I found was quite a closed-circuit community of future Comic Con mainstays. I’ve opted to showcase the plethora of Actors! that have played in three (!) or more characters featured in paneled ink. The double-dippers are all after the jump.
- Chris Evans
Johnny Storm - Lucas Lee - Jensen - Captain America
Clearly the king, Chris Evans has been in fantastic four comic adaptations: Fantastic Four, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, The Losers, and Captain America: The First Avenger.
- Ryan Reynolds
Hannibal King - Deadpool - Green Lantern
As Hannibal King, Ryan Reynolds did not belong in Blade: Trinity, even though King was in the Blade comic books. It’s just that Blade: Trinity didn’t need to be. Strike two came in the form of Deadpool in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Wade Wilson, the merc with the mouth, without a mouth?! And though the studios were underwhelmed by Green Lantern’s opening weekend box office performance, I didn’t think it was too bad. I guess you could say that it’s his first superhero film without a colon that didn’t suck ass.
- Michael Fassbender
Stelios - Burke - Magneto
Surprise, surprise, surprise. I didn’t realize Michael Fassbender wasn’t a comic book rookie in X-Men: First Class. He was also in 300 and Jonah Hex. Also, he was the guy that held up the wrong fingers in that underground bar in Inglourious Basterds. That scene still beats Magneto facing retired Nazis, but it’s not far off.
- Scarlett Johansson
Rebecca - Silken Floss - Black Widow
It’s about time to get a lady on the list, and who better than the former Mrs. Reynolds. Prior to being in Iron Man 2, she was in Ghost World and The Spirit. Yes, both of those were comics.
- Bruce Willis
John Hartigan - Tom Greer - Frank Moses
He’s played an aging cop in Sin City, a FBI agent in Surrogates, and a retired CIA agent in RED. I dare you to call him old.
- Morgan Freeman
Lucius Fox - Sloan - Joe
Batman Begins and The Dark Knight are fantastic, and he played his part well (everything after God is a cinch). I probably shouldn’t have included Sloan, his character in Wanted, because he wasn’t in the comic book, but eh. Oh yeah… he was also in RED.
- John Malkovich
Professor Sandiford - Quentin Turnbull - Marvin Boggs
You probably didn’t see Art School Confidential (neither did I), but it was a graphic novel. Actually, you probably didn’t see Jonah Hex either. RED, you probably seen. And not only on this list twice before.
- Tommy Lee Jones
Two-Face - Agent K - Colonel Chester Phillips
I tried to forget Batman Forever, but as the title suggests, it’s forever in my head. Maybe I need one of those neuralizers, like in Men in Black 1 & 2, or perhaps some super-soldier serum, like in Captain America: The First Avenger.
- Michael Clarke Duncan
The Kingpin - Manute - Kilowog
Daredevil, Sin City, and Green Mile Lantern comprise Duncan’s resume. People complained about him playing The Kingpin before Daredevil came out; people complained about Daredevil after it came out.
- Brandon Routh
Superman - Todd Ingram - Dylan Dog
I thought Routh did a great job filling in Christopher Reeves’ iconic red boots, which sounds weird to say, but he did. He was a good choice. Too bad Superman Returns’ director, Bryan Singer, made some other strange decisions like giving Supes a kid and having him throw a Kryptonite island into space. So there won’t be a sequel to that version, but at least he wasn’t typecast. He was great as super-vegan Todd Ingram in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, and even though Dylan Dog: Dead of Night was an Italian comic book, I still count it.
- Jeffrey Dean Morgan
The Comedian - Clay - Jeb Turnbull
You might not know Morgan by name, but you likely know him by gravelly voice (or when I’ve written about him before). He played a great psychotic hero in Watchmen, the cool as a cucumber leader in The Losers, and based upon the limited images online, a very small role (yup, he dies) in Jonah Hex, which again, I haven’t seen.
- Jaime King
Jade - Wendy - Lorelei Rox
The only other lady on the triples list, King could be King Chris Evans’ queen because she technically played two characters in one movie. She was Jade in Bulletproof Monk, twins Goldie and Wendy in Sin City, and Lorelei Rox in The Spirit.
This concludes this portion of the show, although I should hand out two special awards.
The Un-S.H.I.E.L.D.ed Eye Award goes to:
Colonel Nick Fury
You see this guy everywhere… well, at least in the Marvel Studio produced films. He’s been in Iron Man 1 & 2, The Incredible Hulk, and Thor. He’s somehow in Captain America: The First Avenger, and he will definitely be in The Avengers next summer. He’s signed on to be in at least nine movies, giving him a decent list, but the patch catch is this: he’s always Nick Fury. But I almost forgot… he was also in The Spirit as this guy that loves eight of everything:
The Octopus
(SIDENOTE: Clark Gregg’s Agent Coulson appears in all the Marvel films too, but alas, he is not in any comic books.)
The Hitchcock Walk-On Award goes to:
- Stan Lee
(Who else would it have been?)
Twenty-two more double-dippers can be found by clicking here —->
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