Month: January 2010

JusWondering… Casting The Home Improvement Movie

Posted on by sgottahurt

Come on.  It’s inevitable.  We’re reaching the bottom of the fish barrel (in which we like to shoot) when it comes to properties from the 80’s (and earlier).  With The A-Team hitting the big screen this summer, there aren’t too many shows left to adapt.

So what about the 90’s?  They happened like ten years ago, right?

I know television has tried several reboots of 90’s shows (namely 90210 and Melrose Place), and a few programs have made the leap to film (The Simpsons, South Park, Strangers With Candy, The X-Files, Sex and the City… you know, all cartoons).  But there are plenty of hits that scream big screen, and today, I’m going to focus on casting one of them:

Home Improvement: The Movie

  • Tim Taylor – Although Tim Allen isn’t doing much else these days (besides directing Crazy on the Outside and voicing Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story 3), this is a reboot of a franchise after all, so who do you go with?  Mr. Reboot incarnate, Chris Pine.

"(Grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)..." because I don't know how to spell the (grunt).

  • Jill Taylor – If you’ve ever watched Attack of the Show on G4, Ms. Olivia Munn has proven time and time again that she’s one tough cookie, just like Jill Taylor.

"Tim, don't even think about touching the dishwasher. Her name is Consuela."

  • Brad, Randy, and Mark Taylor – Who else but the Jonas Brothers?  If Zack & Cody only had another brother…

It's a Disney production, and so are they.

  • Al Borland – Fresh in my mind courtesy of his performance as a CTU agent in 24, Freddie Prinze, Jr. would make a great sidekick.  Just like he does with Sarah Michelle Gellar Jack Bauer.

"I don't think. Tim."

  • Lisa / Heidi (Tool Time Girl) – Rosie Jones.  Google Image Search her.  You’ll understand.

"Forget everybody else. Do you know what time it is?"

  • Wilson Wilson, Jr. – The notoriously hidden Tiger Woods would be great as the vessel of sagely advice.  Plus, he’d introduce diversity into a show that supposedly took place in Detroit.

"Howdy neighbor... by the way, where's Jill?"

BONUS: Preview for Roland Emmerich’s Full House

Musical Musings… Okay, So Noooow I Get It

Posted on by sgottahurt

Somebody's Heine was crowding their icebox.

When Weezer hit the music scene waaaay back in 1994, bassist Matt Sharp decided to work on a little side project called The Rentals (he would ultimately leave Rivers Cuomo and gang after the release of their second album, Pinkerton).

So here’s the thing I could never remember, and hopefully will forever remember now that’s it’s transcribed in blog-form…

The spinoff band was The Rentals, and not Placebo.

It might not seem like a big deal to you, the casual reader, especially since I already mentioned the revelation in the first paragraph.  But I always remembered the song, Friends of P (which I actually remembered as Friends with P), and I think the similar lyrics in Placebo’s Pure Morning meshed in my mind to cause the perpetual confusion.  (I also blame my supposed friend P.)

  • Friends of P lyrics:

If you’re friends with P.
Well, then you’re friends with me
If you’re down with P.
Well, then you’re down with me

  • Pure Morning lyrics:

A friend in needs a friend indeed,
A friend with weed is better,
A friend with breasts and all the rest,
A friend who’s dressed in leather

(Click image to see video)

(Click image to - you guessed it - see video)

Awful Battle… Clowns On Film

Posted on by sgottahurt

Homey don't... work anymore "My Wife & Kids" went off the air.

One day at lunch, a discussion occurred that revolved around how Saturday Night Live characters had their own movies, but In Living Color did not.  We threw around Actor! names and characters, and it was decided that Damon Wayans’ Homey D. Clown might have the best shot at a movie.

But I disagreed.

Clown movies have never done well at the box office (by my summation).  Here are the ones I could think of…

1) Vulgar the Clown – Vulgar

Howard Stern was repulsed by this movie.

  • This early production by Kevin Smith covered a lot of dark themes, such as clown stripping, clown rape, clown vengeance, and attempted clown murder.  Well, I don’t know if those are themes for sure, but they’re indeed dark.

2) Shakes the Clown

Adam Sandler's the clown in blue.

  • Actor! Bobcat Goldthwait wrote, directed, and starred in this film about an alcoholic clown.  He eventually would follow this one up with a film about a woman that had sex with her dog.  Moving on…

3) Escaped mental patient – Clownhouse

Creepy much?

  • Director Victor Salva went to prison for molesting his child star in this film.  I mean, he didn’t do it in this film.  It happened behind the scenes.  But not necessarily on the sets.  Once again, moving on…

4) Killer Klowns from Outer Space

I'm not afraid of clowns, per se, but aliens - yikes!

  • Of the first four films on this list, there’s a good chance this is the only movie you’ve seen or at least know exists.  That still doesn’t make it a success.  Everybody’s heard of Sarah Palin, too.  (BONUS PARTISAN POLITICAL BURN!)

5) Drunk birthday party clown – Uncle Buck

Deleted line, so I heard - "Buck off, bucko!"

  • Now we’re getting into some well-known movies.  This John Candy classic is on the list mainly because it possibly inspired Bobcat’s Shakes (as well as giant pancakes… why am I so hungry all of a sudden).

6) The Violator a.k.a. Clown – Spawn

Apropos of nothing, John Leguizamo also starred in "The Pest"

  • This comic book character brought to life on celluloid isn’t as scary as he is gross.  Speaking of gross, remember how gross the CGI was in this film?  Relive the horror here.

7) Pennywise the Dancing Clown – IT

The source of my brother's Coulrophobia.

  • This televised miniseries based on Stephen King’s book is well-known for being the source of many twenty-somethings fear of clowns.  Also, did you know that in the book, well, I’ll let the very cool TVtropes fill you in:

Beverly Marsh has sex with the other members of the Losers Club (all six of them, one after the other, in a sewer) in order to re-forge the connection between them after defeating IT as pre-teens. It’s supposed to be a metaphor for moving from childhood to adulthood, but triggered many readers’ Squick.

8) Clown doll – Poltergeist

This one... it kinda gets me. Not a fan of ghosts.

9) Lou Craddock & crew – A Boy and His Dog

Don Johnson played the boy. I don't know who played his dog.

  • Okay.  Even though the people who lived in underground Topeka were painted more like mimes than clowns, it was still weird.

10) Captain Spaulding – House of 1000 Corpses & The Devil’s Rejects

He's as patriotic as he is psychotic.

  • With or without makeup, the leader of his so-called family sure can give Leatherface’s brood a run for the money.  And leave me running for the hills have eyes.

11) Clowning around, though not quite clowns – The Joker, Jigsaw, & Beetlejuice

jack nicholson heath ledger michael keaton tobin bell

Fairly successful as Not-Clowns

These guys are arguable as clowns.  Why?  Well Jigsaw’s a marionette, Beetlejuice is the self-proclaimed “ghost with the most,” and The Joker… well… yeah, he’s a clown.

BONUS FRIGHT:

BONUS HUMOROUS FRIGHT:

Worth 1002 Words… Seinfeld Wars Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Newman Hope

Some alternates:

  • Cosmo Threepio
  • Jerry Seinforce
  • George Costandroid
  • Phantom Benes

Happy Find… Cute Things Exploding

Posted on by sgottahurt

Need there be anymore explanation than the title?

Okay, so the last thing wasn’t so cute.  For more, check out Cute Things Exploding’s YouTube channel.

(via AOTS)

InASense, Lost… Poland? More Like Death Metal And Sexy Naked Lady Land

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m a Polack.  Or I’m Polandese, or Polandan… whatever it’s called.

And having never been there, I would assume my fellow Polanders would be mild and meek.  Based upon the symphonic blackened death metal band (yes, that’s their description) from Poland, Vesania, I might have made a dupa of u and me.

Well, then at least their wholesome, right Joanna Krupa?  You can barely Google her and not find her bare somewhere.  (Not that I’m complaining.)

(SIDEJOKE: How many poles does it take to hold up a Pole that gets naked for PETA?  Answer in image below.)

Oh, that's not a pole holding her up. My bad.

(BONUS UNNECESSARY PUN: I’m gonna go Polish one off now.)

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? The Sean Bean Effect

Posted on by sgottahurt

Should it be pronounced Shawn Bawn?

There’s a common misconception on the TripleDoubleU about Actor! Sean Bean:

He dies in like 85% of his movies!

Another misconception - this is his brother.

The fact of the matter (according to my limited research) is that he’s died in hardly any of his films:

  • Patriot Games
  • GoldenEye
  • Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
  • Equilibrium
  • The Hitcher

I believe it’s the 1-2-3 punch of his higher profile roles leading up to LOTR.  Not many knew who he was when he played the bad guy in the second Jack Ryan film, but that lead to him getting recognized as Agent 006 in the successful James Bond reboot, and then of course, Boromir – the most noble of his deaths.  And the seed was officially planted.

There are plenty of Actors! that have died more in the movies (Robert DeNiro has 14 times, Bruce Willis has 11, Johnny Depp has 9 1/2… the article that explains the 1/2, and lists more can be found here).

The Sean Bean Effect is alive and well for those guys, and he may one day catch up and surpass them, but what about Actors! that die in television shows?

I’m going to name that effect after this guy:

Jeffrey Dean Morgan, of the Jeffrey Dean Morgan Effect

Not only did Jeffery Dean Morgan have high-profile deaths in Watchmen and P.S. I Love You, he died or was dead or was a ghost in these shows:

  • Weeds
  • Supernatural
  • Grey’s Anatomy

(BONUS: A victim of both The SB and JDM Effects – Alan Tudyk.  He played Wash in the awesome show Firefly, and died in the theatrically released Serenity.  He also died in the reboot of V.)

He did not die in Dodgeball.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Joe’s Crab Sh–?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is an old commercial, but it’s new to me, which is surprising considering the amount of television I watch.  But then again, I do skip the bulk of advertisements courtesy of a few select buttons on my DVR remote, so there’s that.

The moral of the story is this: If I ate seafood, the above video would make me want to Eat at Joe’s™. If only Taco Bell could push the boundaries and think outside the bun™ box, then I’d oblige.

(BONUS: To clean your palette of foul mouthery, here’s a commercial full of faces that make me smile…)

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Two-Headed Telepathic Gorilla, For Starters

Posted on by sgottahurt

Ever have the woman you love turned into a cougar jaguar?

Not this kind of jaguar, but I wish.

And on top of that, she couldn’t understand you (and of course, you couldn’t understand her), so then you had to employ this guy:

"A GoGorilla"

A double-noggined telepathic silverback gorilla that could speak English in my brain while sleeping.  He would pluck my thoughts and put them in my lady, and vice versa.

(SIDENOTE: Apparently he could speak jaguar… or he was pulling a fast one on me, because the thing is that no matter what my girlfriend said through Mr. DeBergerac, she still acted an awful lot like a jaguar.  Especially when we were alone together and she’d try to kill and eat me.)

So in honor of my lady-love, here’s a long distance dedication:

No wait, that’s a panther!  I’m sorry honey!  I’ll never look at another black cat!

I mean after her...

Drunken Recollection… Other People’s Drunken Recollections

Posted on by sgottahurt

Some pals o’ mine and I were out at the bar, and they got into reminiscing about their old school teachers and the affairs they had (that the teachers had… and not with the friends, but with each other).

Anyqui, apparently this existed:

(via Ridiculous Thoughts)

As well as this:

(Barbapapa’s home page)

For the record, neither of these friends are French (although my buddy at work is).

I merely drank my Guinness and drowned in the sense of nostalgia.  Mostly because they also introduced me to her: