Self-help videos may be a thing of the past (YouTube anyone?), but they were vital to making me the me I am today. I’m the best kisser anyone knows, and I can take down the biggest bullies just long enough to run away in a hurry. Want to know what I know? Check these videos out!
(I love you, Everything is Terrible!)
Cartoons, just like toys, aren’t only for kids anymore. We might be able to think the Japanese for that, but it might also be this current generation of man-children at fault.
The following videos are proof of that (only one Japanese one in the bunch… try and guess which one). Why else would there be:
Despite all being well-done, they burnt my brain. Which is the worst?
AWFUL BATTLE… GO!
Vodpod videos no longer available.
Often owned by strangers with candy.
Well whadayanknow?
Last year, Polaroid got rid of their Instant Cameras. I wrote about it here when this blog was still a fledgling.
But courtesy of The Impossible Project (or of a PR stunt the likes of the Heene family – the last batches of film sold recently expired), Polaroid is bringing sexy Instant Cameras back.
This got me thinking… what other foregone technologies would I like to see return?
1) Spindle
In fairy tales, they were able to spin straw into gold. They also acted as GHB when it came to princesses. So maybe they shouldn’t come back.
2) Dick Tracy Copmobile
With technology like that, kids’ imaginations had to flourish. (See the original toy commercial down below.)*
3) Top Loading VCR’s
Nostalgia and functionality and purpose aside… look at how easy it was to use? With all those dials and switches and buttons, you could set the clock! (Ra-tat-tat-CRASH!) Of course I want it back for nostalgic reasons (but still not functionality and purpose).
4) Libraries
The Dewey Decimal System was "thisclose" to being the Huey Whole Number System. The Louie Lottery System wasn't even close.
There’s something terribly wrong with kids today, and I stand by two reasons why:
Wait, what? Libraries still exist? I thought the Internet would have surely killed them. My bad.
SIDENOTE: While we await the Instant Cameras’ re-release, why not pick up this camera that logs every moment of your life? It’s like YouTube meets Twitter!
You know you want it
*Original Dick Tracy Copmobile commercial after the jump Read More
Paramore is No Doubt's replacement, no doubt
Time flies when you’re having fun. It also flies when you break from the group that shot you to super-stardom, you start your own clothing line, and you knock out a couple kids with another bands’ former lead singer.
I’m looking at you Gwen Stefani, and you’ve been replaced by Hayley Williams. You had the bindi; she has the orange hair.
But that’s not what this post is all about. It’s about the cycles of the music industry. Somebody always replaces somebody else. I’m sure you get what I’m saying, but let me reiterate with examples from my own life.
1) Billy Joel & Rob Thomas
Both are talented musicians that crank out the hits. Although Thomas used to be with Matchbox Twenty, who else would I say? John Mayer? Not even close to the Piano Man.
2) Huey Lewis and The News & Weezer
Huey infiltrated the 80’s pop scene with a 50’s-inspired sound. Rinse and repeat in the 90’s.
3) Debbie Gibson & Regina Spektor
Both pianists. Both song writers. Both crushes of mine.
4) Green Day & Say Anything
Angsty punk rockers with catchy melodies.
5) The Offspring & Rise Against
Poignant punk rockers with hard-hitting melodies.
6) Rancid & Kings of Leon
Unintelligible punk rockers with unique melodies.
7) I’m still trying to figure out my replacement for this guy:
He got that six-string at the five-and-dime.
Is he the one-armed man?
Harrison Fucking Ford. It’s his middle name, really. (No, not really. He has none. He did go by Harrison J. Ford early in his career as not to be confused with the silent film actor of the same name, but I digress.)
Back in the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and, um, just 2000, Ol’ Harry was at the top of his game (for the most part). Not only did he bring us the above two scoundrels with their hearts of gold (each for three movies, since there is no Crystal Skull, just as there are no prequels), he also brought us:
Whew. That was easy.
Anywookiee, there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Despite the missteps in the late 90’s (Sabrina, The Devil’s Own, Six Days Seven Night), he had a good run. What changed, you might ask. I might say:
Sixty-five-year-old Harrison Ford met Calista Flockhart, 44, in 2002, when she reportedly spilled wine on him at the Golden Globes. The pair immediately started dating and have been together ever since. (via iVillage)
A-ha! Calista Fucking Flockhart happened! So if Harrison Ford wants to get back to creating iconic characters, he needs to say sayonara to Ally McBeal. I know they’re engaged and he co-adopted her adopted son, but it’s never too late to get out of it…
Harry – remember how much divorce costs? $85,000,000 ring any bells? (Notice the date of this article announcing his break from Melissa Mathison.) Don’t you see what a mistake K-19: The Widowmaker that ridiculous Russian non-accent leaving the beloved screenwriter of E.T. did to your film career?! Here’s to hoping you lose those diamond earrings and that “television star,” and you’ll return to save the Star Wars series in Episodes 7, 8, and 9!!!1! You can even have Han Solo die in 8 and skip 9 if you’d like! Whatever it takes! Be daring like Indy used to be!
Stop this from ever happening again:
Ah, balloon boy.
Balloon boy, balloon boy, balloon boy.
Your mother and father wanted you to steal our hearts and imaginations, but all you did was help them crash a giant flying Jiffy Pop bag. And you may not have done that…
But one thing you did for sure – you totally crashed their dreams of more exposure.*
(SIDENOTE: Disney/Pixar’s UP will be available November 10th on Blu-ray and DVD)
Arriving November 10th
So let’s make this clear. Six-year Falcon Heene confessed stated:
You guys said, ‘We did this for the show.’
Which show was he talking about? Another episode of ABC’s Wife Swap? (They’ve already participated in two key parties swaps.)
Oh yeah, did I mention that on the 10th of November, you can get your own copy of Disney/Pixar’s UP on Blu-ray or DVD?
Buy It November 10th
What makes me mad about this fiasco is that so much time, money, and effort was donated to and wasted on what was possibly some big publicity stunt. It definitely detracts from other miracles involving children in dangerous situations, such as this little girl in Washington:
In both of these instances, those we’re supposed to protect were not, but they luckily seemed to be protected by some higher power, call it whatever name you pull out of the hat. And though these two children faced minor injury (but maybe major trauma), their stories of survival are far more interesting than some goof played by some goofball parents and their goofball kid. And they named him Falcon? Seriously?
*Disney/Pixar’s UP is finally “landing” on Blu-ray and DVD. Look for it November 10th.
On Shelves November 10th
BONUS VOMIT VIDEO:
Star Trick
Some alternates:
Here are some drunk items that popped up and required follow up (mostly because either my iPhone’s battery was dead, or I was too sauced to check at that moment). But it further proves my point. Well, maybe not my point as much as my slogan – “I’m Thinking Meets Drinking.”
Q: Have I ever heard of the song In The Year 2525 by Zager and Evans?
A: No. Well maybe. But I like this video somebody put together:
Q: Have I ever heard of Saturday Night Live alum, Charles Rocket?
He's a real person? I thought was a robotic character, perhaps.
A: No. Well maybe. He’s familiar looking for sure:
In further research (wassup Wiki?!), I uncovered these additional tidbits:
Q: Have I ever heard of author David Foster Wallace?
A: You mean the man behind Infinite Jest, which Time magazine included in their 100 greatest English-language novels since 1923? You mean the man behind Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, which John Krasinski of The Office adapted into a film? No. Not at all. I just learned all this.
Also learned: he killed himself. (Wassup withat?!)
Q: Have you heard the original version of Unchained Melody by Al Hibbler?
A: I have now. But FYI – it technically wasn’t the original. But it did pre-date Ghost’s theme song the Righteous Brothers version.
Q: Who was I hanging out with that asked me so many questions?!
This post was originally going to be about my investigation into the ripping off of Bruce Hornsby (and the Range)’s Mandolin Rain (or is it Tupac’s Changes?) in Proactiv Acne Solutions’ commercials, but then I stumbled onto a greater conspiracy.
What do these young ladies’ have in common?
LiLo, KelCla, JeLoHew
They had stellar careers, booming out of nowhere, sky’s-the-limit…
Then they did Proactiv commercials.
How have they fared since?
LayLow - Kelly Clark Bar - Mrs. Jamie Kennedy?!
(SIDENOTE: You may have noticed Jessica Simpson was also in their commercials, but did she really ever have a career?)
My biggest concern of late is this cutie:
Julianne Hough of "Dancing With My Heart"
She’s been in Proactiv commercials, and although she’s well-known (?) amongst Dancing with the Stars, country music, and Juicy Fruit fans, I hope to see more from her in the entertainment world.
Ultimately, this comes down to whether or not I’m reading into this (Coinkydink) or I’m onto something (Coinkydonk).
Your drunk thoughts Diddy?
I hope the brown mush being thrown around is chocolate cake...
Considering today is this website’s first birthday, I can’t think of a better way to celebrate than having as many people take today off of work as possible. Great job to everyone who skipped their great jobs! (Government workers and bankers seemed to get away with this a little easier than others, for some reason.)
Some quick stats for the site:
This site was started out of boredom at work mostly. Last October, no clients were calling, and I used “learning how to blog” as my reason to get more hours at work.
The bulk of the categories at the left were there from the beginning. The first appeared on October 14th: In My Brain While Sleeping, Happy Find, and InASense, Lost.
The last category came to be on July 30th: The Shit To Just Shitty. It was about director Chris Columbus.
Hey wait, that reminds me of my first JusWondering post about Columbus Day.
Hey wait, is that why everyone was able to skip work for the party?
Seriously though… thanks to everyone that has ever stopped by (and continues to stop by for some reason)! I wouldn’t be able to do this without you!
Well I could, but where’s the fun in that?
monkeyBLOG monkeyDO 
