Awful Battle… (Evil) Weight Scales

The weight scale in the bathroom of my mother’s house is, I’ve decided, completely evil.

I’m not one to really watch my #’s, but I have a mild curiosity about it whenever I stop by.

The thing is, her scale lies.  It flat-out lies.  It might be trying to make you feel better, but at first step, it electronically informs you that you weigh X pounds.  Then when you step on it the second time, immediately following that initial reading, the red LED’s read X+4.  So in reality, you weigh Y, so X equals Y-4.  (I need a shirt that says “I Love Algebra” to go along with my “I Love Puns” shirt that I want.)

That being said, in honor of Halloween, let this war of Evil Weight Scales commence!

AWFUL BATTLE… GO!

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JusWondering… Can I Jam Pack Many Halloween Posts In One Post? Yes.

Happy Find… Man Up Your Girly Boy This Halloween

Courtesy of the Onion News Network comes this gem.  What I like best is the part where they’re mean to the kids…

 

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Costume I Never Would Have Thought Of While Awake

Blah blah blah subconscious something something weird dream… I met a man wearing this costume and when I inquired about it, he pulled granite from his pocket, placed it on the last stair and said:

 

staircostume

"I'm Rock Bottom."

 

Drunken Recollection… Two Gorillas Are Better Than One

My cousin Steve and I have matching costumes.  We debuted them last week at my brother’s party.  It was a blast.  The next day, I had another party to attend, but I opted to go as Hipster Jesus.  Another gorilla was there, and my heart broke a little…

 

Musical Musings…  How Do You Kill The Gill Man?

Is this a good song? No.  But does the Monster Mash really deserve being the only Halloween song? (Not counting Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, of course.)

(Lyrics available after the jump)

 

Awful Battle… Worst Halloween Costumes

Take your pick of this litter.  And by litter, I mean trash.  Not like litter of puppies or litter of kittens.  (BTW, they all win the Awful Battle.

 

InASense, Lost… This Sex Toy Bites

Ever hear of the Fleshlight?  Well here’s the Succu-Dry.  And it blows.

 

VampireFleshlight

Do Not Vant

 

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Did PB Max Get “Discontinued” For Peanut Butter Twix?

 

pbmaxtwix

PB Max... PB Twix... hmm...

I loved PB Max almost instantly when it was released in 1990.  It was the companion candy to the caramel Twix bars I’d eat everyday.  (There was a 5¢ mail-in rebate deal on each wrapper, so I binged one summer, sent them all in, and received a $5 check 6-8 weeks later.  You can do the math.)

Anysweettooth, seemingly as quickly as the candy burst on the scene, by th mid-90’s, it was gone.  A couple more years passed and all-of-the-sudden there was a Peanut Butter Twix bar (and the original became Caramel Twix with a capital-C, as you candy C see).

There were claims that the PB Max didn’t make it because the Mars family hated peanut butter.  But lo and behold, they eventually made and continue to make the spin-off to their double-cookie-bar-covered-in-something-coated-in-chocolate classic.

 

Hibbidy-Wah?! What’s Wrong With This Kid?

 

The Shit To Just Shitty… The Adventure Of It All

Whatever happened to all the razor blades in apples and the kidnappings?  The night’s supposed to be scary for kids.  It’s like a PG-13 horror film these days.

 

Worth 1002 Words… My Old Halloween Costume Edition

 

optimus

Boxing Match

 

(lyrics to Halloween Survival Guide, you know, in case your ears aren’t working)

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Musical Musings… The Quest For Mambo Number 6

Back in the last century, a song arrived on the scene that captivated audiences for like, weeks.  That song: Lou Bega’s Mambo No. 5.  Here’s the backstory about how it entered my life…

I was backpacking through Europe with one of my sisters, and I met up with my other sister in Italy.  She told me above this crazy song she kept hearing everywhere, and I didn’t encounter it until arriving in Amsterdam.  As a joke, I bought the single to give to her upon returning home, but little did I know that while we were travelling, our place of employment (Circuit Shitty) started playing Mambo No. 5 on the in-house TV network.  Joke ruined.

Exciting, I know.  It’s taken me many, many years, but I might have found the predecessor to Bega’s catchy minor hit, but I’m not sure which one lives up to it more.  The options:

  • Michael Franti and Spearhead may have saved the day by stopping by to Say Hey.
  • Or maybe Pitbull (seriously, that’s his name) got a bite on the competition, and pooped out the earworm I Know You Want Me.

As refreshers, here You(Tube) go:

Mambo Number 5

Say Hey

I Know You Want Me

As I learned somewhere a long time ago, if you can’t figure something out, just make a chart.  Was it a friend?  A parent?  Or a math teacher?  We’ll never know.

mambograph

Solved!!!!1!

 

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Mac Versus PC

When these commercials first came out, I loved them.  I’ve worked in IT for almost ten years, and the lowest moment for me was the release of Windows Vista.

Which is why the Mac Vs. PC commercials always made me smile – they had a point.  In reality, if I had to deal with issues involving Vista any more than I did, I would have switched to Apple’s operating system (and more expensive equipment) in a heartbeat.

But now, with the release of Windows 7, which is getting reviewed way higher than its predecessor, are these commercials going to be obsolete:

Will they be like The Daily Show with John Stewart in a post-Bush era?  (Still funny, but not as biting…)  Or will Windows 7 fail to impress in the long run, thus providing continual fodder for the mocking ads?

I think the jump ship mentality that Vista wrought has come to an end, and I have had limited interaction with 7 so far.  I have another friend that works at a different level of IT than I do, and he claims to love it (out of 700 pc’s he’s worked on at clients, less than 2% used Vista… or at least thereabout).

So is the campaign still ripe with humor?  Or has something that was The Shit become Just Shitty?  I’m inclined to think Apple’s advertising team needs to go back to the drawing board or whatever high-end technology they have, despite how funny I think John Hodgman is, or how funny Justin Long arguably may be.

One question remains though.  How did they count to Windows 7?

By my count:

  1. Windows 3.1
  2. Windows 95
  3. Windows 98
  4. Windows Me
  5. Windows XP
  6. Windows Vista
  7. Windows 7

But Windows 3.1 was Version Three-Point-One.  And what about this Windows 2 that’s mentioned in the commercial above?  That’s either Just Shitty writing, or it’s flat-out Just Shitty.

InASense, Lost… Fetish Tots

Oh, hi.  I didn’t see you there.

I was about cook up a plate of Soylant Green before I sealed up the doors and windows.  We want to keep out those pesky vampires (or zombies… no one’s for sure).  The reason why I’m doing all this?  It’s because hell has arrived on Earth in the form of:

 

fetishtotslogo

Why is the theme to Rugrats stuck in my head?

Recently on display at the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco, the company states via their website that product will be available Winter 2010.

Samples:

fetishtots2fetish-totsAll I have left to say is this: pack for cold weather.

We’re for damn sure heading to the coldest layer of Dante’s Inferno.

I’ll be joining everyone else as soon as I finish eating this old person sandwich.

(more here at Something Awful)

Drunken Recollection… Tara – The Drunk Girl At The Bar

I intended to write a Drunken Recollection on another subject (you’ll just have to wait for that now), but someone my friends and I met tonight changed all that:

Tara – The Drunk Girl at the Bar.

My friend, Chris, hosts a live trivia show at a particular bar on Mondays, and I typically don’t attend.  Nothing against him, but Mondays are one of my “laying low” days.  On this particular Garfield’s favorite day of the week, I had planned on picking up some topsoil to do some yard work before winter hits, but I got stuck late at work.  My other friend, Jeremy, had his class cancelled, and Chris’ wife Venessa was going to trivia, so  I bit.

Upon arriving, the three of us sat at the end of the bar, and Chris was at the windows.  He had to inform us that he had a fan – Tara.  As she repeatedly told everyone, she was his “ass-sistant,” and she thanked everyone with a kindly “konnichiwa” as if it was a “domo arigato.”

She was there alone no domo arigato to her friends.

She alleged it was her birthday.

She was 100% superhero drunk.

She was having fun and being goofy.

She met Chris’ “wifey” and shared the tale of how she was engaged for four years until she broke it off

…in May or March… one of those M months.  Maybe April…

because he wanted her to be a baby making machine.

She had school and worked nine-to-five and didn’t seem much older than 22.

What Tara made me question about life is this:

How responsible are we for other people?

She somehow became attached to our group (namely Chris), and I wondered who was looking out for her.  Luckily, her parents came to pick her up, but it made me think about a creepy dude I had seen in Best Buy’s parking lot prior to heading to trivia.  He stood at the edge of the lot, near his rusted minivan, with his hipster ensemble: too tight vintage clothes, an over-sized snapshot camera, and a creepy beard.  He surveyed the adjacent Meijer’s parking lot.  Something about it didn’t feel right… like I should intervene and do something…

Four Quadrant Nightmare

Four Quadrant Nightmare

Damn, this post isn’t funny at all.  It’s only the second one I wrote while slightly intoxicated, and it will no doubt (*crosses finger*) be the last.

It probably all had to do with this video I saw about Baxter earlier today…