As big a fan as I am of the nostalgia provided by the 80’s, there is a pretty sunny darkside to the fonder memories. Prime example: Juice Newton’s “Love’s Been a Little Hard on Me.”
Sounds a little bit like some rodents I used to know:
And not to completely wring Juice of having any nostalgic value, she’ll always be my “Angel of the Morning.”
Necessity is often credited as the mother of invention. Allow me to add alcohol-induced dreams as another mother.
FIRST INVENTION: ROCK RIGGER
One four awl!
Why drag bulldozers, dump trucks, and cranes to a house about to be torn down, when you can pull up with a ROCK RIGGER! The Rock Rigger comes equipped with a drill on its crane, which neatly ploughs through a diliapidated home’s roof (and if there’s no roof – even better!) Next, rocks, stones, concrete… whatever’s in the hauling bed, move up the crane’s conveyor belt to be spilled into the second floor. Once filled, the Rock Rigger backs away and waits. And waits. And after waiting awhile, the home should collapse under its weight, and voila! No more house! (BTW, the crushed houses looked awesome in my dream.) Then you’d bring in the other vehicles for clean up… it’s so simple!
SECOND INVENTION: EYE IN THE SKY
It's like a dream! (It was a dream!)
With nanotechnology (or some other smart sounding thing nobody really understands yet), the EYE IN THE SKY will allow the user to access a plethora of entertainment and general use options… in your brain! Stare into the heavens – or at a wall – and select with a point of your finger whatever application may suit your needs. Via the enhanced contact lenses in your eyes, menu options will appear for phone, GPS, music, and more! (WARNING: Do not use when driving, walking, sleeping, eating, swimming, dancing, typing, shooting, or throwing, as it may cause nausea or interference. Most definitely will cause headaches.)
INGREDIENTS: An early Burger King feast, followed by buckets of Miller Lite
If the strangely painted on taped-on yarn moustache wasn’t indication enough, this nerdy tune is sure to make the ladies swoon – provided they have played and love playing Mario Kart. Otherwise, the allusions might go unnoticed, and that would truly be a heart-breaking shame. My favorite lyric:
The finish line
is just around the bend
I’ll pause this game
so our love will never end
No, that’s not a tear in my eye. It’s lube.
(Via Topless Robot)
As a founding member of the Legion of Seans (along with Mr. Penn, Mr. Connery, Ms. Young, and Mr. Combs), I’m very displeased with Mr. Avery’s recent comments regarding Canadian hottie, Elisha Cuthbert.
Reporters were waiting to speak with Avery about disparaging remarks he’d made last month about Flames star Jarome Iginla when Avery walked over to the group and asked if there was a camera present. When told there was, he said, “I’m just going to say one thing.”
“I’m really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada,” he said. “I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about, but enjoy the game tonight.” He then walked out of the locker room.
Sean Avery used to be a Detroit Red Wing. When he was traded to the L.A. Kings, he dated Cuthbert and Rod Stewart’s ex-wife, Rachel Hunter. Now that he’s in Dallas with the Stars, he’s probably fearful Jessica Simpson might have her sights set on him. Regardless of the situation, the Legion of Seans have released this statement on the matter:
Sean Avery’s ex-girlfriends cannot be referred to as sloppy seconds, due to the fact that Avery is a giant douche.
In closing, a final message from the Legion of Seans to one Mr. Carter: until you change the spelling of your first name to the correct Irish way, you will not be granted entrance. Good day!
I saw this one awhile ago, but awhile ago, I did not have a blog. It’s the best of the videos pertaining to Eddie Vedder’s grumbling style of singing. In this case, it’s Yellow Ledbetter.
Here’s a little known fact: If Yellow Ledbetter, would Orange follow Yellow? (That doesn’t make any sense.)
I’m almost as hooked on the snooze bar as I am the booze bar, but as of late, I have not recalled many of my dreams. This morning – a whopper, a flopper, and a doozy.
SCENARIO UNO
Do not go Freudian on me.
I was the eldest lad in a family of seafarers. The brood’s Papa was a maritime cop, and he must have had it hard (who wants to have any job that begins with maritime?). Every night it seemed Mama would wait for him to get home to serve dinner, and every night he’d be late (you’d think Mama would have learned). I remember working on a crossword puzzle in a magazine. I also recall the entire decor looking retro 70’s, or maybe it took place in the 70’s. (Hello “Life on Mars.”) Anyway, when Papa would get home, the first thing he’d do was pour a glass of whiskey on the rocks. Then he’d dunk a banana in it. He called it the Cop-a-Cabanana.
SCENARIO DOS
Hot chocolate chips!
I don’t drink coffee. As I’ve stated before, my cup of tea is Mountain Dew. In my brain, I must live for Starbucks. For some reason, while in line to get my iced mochachino espressosaurus rex, the announcement was made that Starbucks was being bought out. That this shocked me in the dream shocks me now. The reason for the buyout: too many people that bought their coffee were losing their jobs, and thus poor Starbucks was going down. The purchaser: Mrs. Field’s Cookies. They also bought out Arby’s for who-know-why. My question was, “How could Mrs. Field’s succeed where Starbucks failed?” The answer: No matter what, everyone eats cookies.
SCENARIO TRES
No Photoshopping here.
This was by far one of the most disturbing – not in content, but in juxtaposition of content. Stitch (the alien experiment to the left) was boozing it up and chomping down cigars faster than George Burns, Bill Clinton, and Monica Lewinsky put together. (He kind of reminded me of the smoking chimp.) And that’s fine. It’s well within Stitch’s personality. But to note: this dream was in cartoon form, and this is where things spiraled into time for me to wake up. Across the room, Stitch spotted an inflatable doll. He stumbled towards it, placed his head between its legs, and bit. Pop!
Needless to say, I had it enough with the snooze bar.
…We’ll see about the regular bar.
INGREDIENTS: Cajun chicken sandwich, soggy bar fries, and mucho de boozo.
Not her.
Not me.
My friends have a friend that lives in a world the likes of which none of us has ever seen.
In this world, she looks like Drew Barrymore (she does not), I look like Christian Slater (I do not), and everyone around her is lucky to be around her.
Why this diatribe now when I’ve despised her for so long? Because she may have cost my Trivia Team instant entry into our seasonal tournament. (More on that nerdery to follow.)
There’s a things about Jerkica you need to know (I disguised her name for her protection, although she might still find this post flattering). My last extended encounter with her occurred at her wedding. These are some highlights:
Deep breaths and relax. Simply put – I can’t stand her. I’ve been happy to not hear or see from her in a very long time. It’s not that she has ever done anything directly to me; it’s what she’s said and done to my friends. But now she’s broken that fourth wall. She stopped by my friends’ house and prevented them from going to trivia, thus hindering them from getting precious points we need to secure our spot in the tournament.
I’d still dry-hump the hell out of her though.
With these glasses, the economy is looking up!
(More people I’ve been told I look like after the jump.)
This is a list I have been meaning to make for a while. Presenting Six Reasons Why Canada Rocks! (Plus Three Honorable Mentions)
Sarah Chalke (Ottawa, Ontario) – From playing second Becky in “Roseanne” to second fiddle behind JD and Turk’s bromance in “Scrubs,” Ms. Chalke has always held her own against giant personalities and crazy sitcom-uations. She has a way of pulling off clumsy and sexy in one fell swoop.
Evangeline Lilly (Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta) – I’d like to believe she’s possibly one of the best actresses on this list. Aside from her Live Links ad, all I have to judge her skills on is “Lost.” Her character, Kate, is damaged yet strong, worried yet brave, a dreamer yet a realist. And Evie sells it – hook, line, and underground bunker.
Elisha Cuthbert (Calgary, Alberta) – Where in the world has Elisha been? Since “24,” a minor role in “Old School,” and “The Girl Next Door” (which was awesome BTW), she’s been in schlock like “House of Wax,” “The Quiet,” and “Captivity.” She returns for Season 7 of “24.” Hopefully better roles will follow. (BONUS: check out her appearance on “Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!“)
Erica Durance (Calgary, Alberta) – Possibly the girl next door to Elisha over in Calgary (I’m imagining Erica was her babysitter), Erica came to my attention when she began her role as Lois Lane in “Smallville.” Smart, tough, and a looker enough to make Superman forget his childhood sweetheart (see below). All I know is she can be my Kryptonite any time she likes. (Also, she makes a more believable Lois than Kate Bosworth did in “Superman Returns.” Sorry, Kate!)
Caroline Dhavernas (Montreal, Quebec) – Caroline is definitely the dark horse on this list, and that’s mostly because of one thing – not many people know who she is. Though most of her work is in French Canadian film, I began to appreciate Caroline (pronounced Caro-lean) for her role as Jaye in the underviewed and wonderful, “Wonderfalls” (another of Bryan Fuller’s cancelled projects, along with “Pushing Daisies” and “Dead Like Me”). She was also in the American films “Breach” and “Hollywoodland,” but I’ve yet to see those movies.
Rachel McAdams (London, Ontario) – I fell for Rachel not in “Mean Girls,” not in “Hot Chick,” but in “The Notebook.” Damn that movie. One night playing goal in my soccer game, I threw out my back and made the mistake (or divine choice) of putting “The Notebook” in my DVD player before I passed out. The next day I awakened to realize I couldn’t move, and no one could help me until way later that day, so I was stuck watching “The Notebook” back-to-back-to-back (Ow, my back!) Looking forward to seeing her in Guy Ritchie’s “Sherlock Holmes” with Robert Downey, Jr!
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Kristin Kreuk (Vancouver, British Columbia) – From Lana Lang in “Smallville” to Chun-Li in the upcoming “Street Fighter” movie, she’s a small-town cutie that grew into a big city cutie.
Pamela Anderson (Ladysmith, British Columbia) – Any list like this has to include the most infamous hot Canadian bacon. Although I was more fond of her in her “Home Improvement” days. (A Detroit shout-out to Tim Allen!)
William Shatner (Montreal, Quebec) – The Shat… Mr. King of Canada… “Twilight Zone,” “Star Trek,” speaking Esperanto in “Incubus,” “TJ Hooker,” “Rescue 911,” “Tek Wars,” Priceline commercials, “Boston Legal,” World of Warcraft commercials… a true national treasure…
When I was watching any football game but the Lions this weekend, I couldn’t help but notice announcer Bob Costas was beginning to look like a certain Jedi Knight.
Trust me - watch NBC Sports
Throw a little Botox into Mark Hamill’s visage, and he could be playing the guy giving the play-by-plays (or at least his analysis thereof).
…Or maybe I was just drinking too much this weekend.
Batter up!
Look where?
monkeyBLOG monkeyDO 