Hooters, The Restaurant, much like The Owl it’s “based” on, is here to stay. (Well, I guess it depends on which owl species, but I digress.)
Also like The Owl, The Restaurant isn’t as cool as it used to be. “Hey look! That owl can turn his head all the way around, almost!”
Upon my recent visit, it occurred to me why I don’t go there as often as I had in my youth. (Okay, it happened to be my second visit this week. We went for a “change of pace” on Monday, and they informed us that Thursday was Buy One Boneless Wing Get One Free Day, and that Friday everyone was dressing up for Halloween… I’ll let you know how it goes.)
Anywow, the reason Hooters has lost its luster, for me at least, is the gimmicky things that they still insist on doing. My Pet Peeves AKA My Owl Irks are as follows:
1) Ladies, don’t write your name on the napkins. Don’t sign it with a heart. Don’t googily goo it up with your real name and your nickname. You can do this on the receipt, though. It doesn’t affect me the same.
2) Shit-can the birthday song. Unless it’s for a twelve year old boy (“Hey look! That owl tried to scoop up that wiener dog cuz he thought it was a squirrel!”), this routine simply puts a spotlight on the biggest douche-bag in the restaurant. The only other exception – friends trying to embarrass a buddy.
3) I can open my own containers. Be it A-1 Steak Sauce or a tub of ranch, I can handle unscrewing and ripping just fine. I often unscrew by myself and rip ones at home – wait, that doesn’t sound right.
4) The ketchup faces must stop. Stop. Seriously. Explaining that the face is “hungover” helps no one keep their dignity.
5) If I want merchandise, I will ask you. Isn’t it enough you talked me into curly fries? What am I made of – money? The calendar’s on sale, you say… And there’s not a single house pet?
6) Hula hooping your boredom away makes me bored. How about sword fighting? Perchance arm-wrestling? Maybe arm-wrestling with oil in a pool with full body contact?
7) We’re not buying that you like us if you sit with us. I do buy that you like me if you feed me a french fry. (This happened to me once… I had no follow up so nyeh.)
8) You charged me for a potato salad that’s your lunch? Well, there goes $1 off your 30% tip.