Update: Added one more holiday after a discussion with my friend, Devin.
This past Monday came and went in a flash, and it wasn’t until the next day that I realized a holiday had passed – one that hadn’t mattered since grade school, if even then. But it got me juswondering… didn’t somebody disprove Columbus “discovering” America?
I thought the Columbus story went the way of Shakespeare, Brontosauruseseses, and Pluto (the Planet our Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us when we were wee)?
Perhaps Columbus Day is sort of like an appendix… something we keep around because it’s there, but it might kill us if it becomes inflamed, much like the boats Columbus used to discover this continent.
Then I started thinking about what body parts other holidays might be akin to. For example, Birthdays are like crow’s feet… they keep coming whether you want them or not.
Thanksgiving is like a spare tire – or a muffintop for the ladies – because we revel in unloosening our belt buckles and passing out watching tv (as if every other day doesn’t count).
Independence Day = genitalia… especially when it comes to fireworks. Our fascination develops over time from childhood to adults. At first, it’s all *yay* sparklers. As adults, it’s illegal and Chinese and dangerous.
Valentine’s Day is like kidneys. Two is natural… one is sad.
Halloween is any body part this guy fixes:
Labor Day could be an upset stomach because you can’t wear white after it.
And Christmas would be an itchy butthole… because sometimes you can’t pick what you get.