Month: November 2010

I Am Thankful For… Not Living In Russia

Posted on by sgottahurt

I recently had a discussion with my mother about our family’s heritage, and I always thought I was 75% Polish, 12.5% Ukranian, 6.25% Lithuanian, and 6.25% Russian.  Turns out, she doesn’t think that we are part-Russian at all.  I’ve been saying that all my life, and I don’t think I made that up, but that’s neither here nor over there… which thankfully, I’m not.

I’m sure there are plenty more reasons not to want to live in Russia.  I’m basing it solely on the brashness of their rodents.

Check ’em out:

I Am Thankful For… The Ultimate Alternative To Turkey

Posted on by sgottahurt

Thanksgiving is upon us, and so it is time to begin to list the things I Am Thankful For… and I shall start with this:

Surprisingly Affordable

So I bet you’re all wondering:

Is it real?

And if you’re asking that, you might have wanted to lead up to that question with this one:

Are unicorns real?

But the long and the short of it is… it is real.

Hibbidy-Wah?! 25 Years Passed Again?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

First, I could deal with it when Back to the Future celebrated its 25th Anniversary:

Remember that Saturday Night Live skit where Dana Carvey kept singing, "Gotta go back in time" to Michael J. Fox while they were in an elevator? Yeah, neither do I.

Then it kind of stunned me when I found out Super Mario Bros was also 25 years old (watch the video on the linked site for some digital nostalgia):

Are we sure this wasn't an Atari 7800 game?

And then! I found out Elmo from Sesame Street has been around for a quarter century:

He's the one that's not Grover.

But this was the last straw… the Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle happened 5×5 years ago:

(Bonus Elmo and Ricky Gervais video after the jump) Read More

Awesome Battle? Finally Some Good Movies To Look Forward To?

Posted on by sgottahurt

The cinematic floodgates have been a little dry lately, and it finally appears that there’s hope on the horizon?

A few new previews have made their way online, and as I watch, I wonder if they’ll be any good?

I’m trying to keep my expectations low, hence all the question marks?  Wait, that sentence didn’t need a question mark.  Did it?

  • Your Highness, starring James Franco, Danny McBride, and nerd goddess, Natalie Portman
  • Cowboys and Aliens, starring Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, and nerd goddess, Olivia Wilde
  • Tron Legacy, starring Jeff Bridges, Garrett Hedlund, and (again!) nerd goddess, Olivia Wilde

Natalie Portman’s smart for showcasing her Padmé Amidala in her preview, because me thinks Olivia Wilde might be Gungan gunning for her?  No.  She’s definitely gunning for her.

(SIDENOTE: At least Your Highness looks better than Kröd Mändoon.  SIDENOTE WITHIN A SIDENOTE: Kröd is “dork” spelled sdrawkcab.)

Just Sh–ty To Just Sh–tier… Political Correctness Runs (As Fast As You Can) Amuck

Posted on by sgottahurt

Gingerbread Being

This week the gingerbread man dodged a bullet in the UK.  He was thisclose to being furthermore referred to as (heaven forbid) a gingerbread person.  But this got me thinking:

Where would this kind of political correctness take us next?

  • Could we no longer go “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” since it’s insensitive to cuckoo people?

Sonny through the years, starting with a pink and white shirt, then nude, and finally whatever the current incarnation is wearing...

  • Would the Kool Aid Man become the Kool Aid Douchebag?

Too late...

  • What would become of McDonald’s beloved character, Grimace?

"Grimambiguous?"

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Tyler Perry Is Ed Burns 2.0

Posted on by sgottahurt

Allow me to begin with an apology.  I initially wanted this post to be about Katy Perry’s glorious set of… vocal pipes… but Best Week Ever beat me to the punch (italicized spelled-out sad face because I’m not found of emoticons).

So instead you get this: I was thinking about the career path of writer/director/Actor! Tyler Perry, and all of a sudden I couldn’t help but to be reminded of another writer/director/Actor! named Ed Burns.

If you need a refresher, here’s Perry:

He did not look like this for his cameo in "Star Trek."

As a refresher, here’s Burns:

Did I neglect to mention he's married to Christy Turlington?

So despite any glaring differences, how could I compare them?

  1. They’re both Christians.
  2. They both produce personal films.
  3. They’ve each made a total of ten films (so far), and are known for making them on low budgets.
  4. Both have dabbled in TV (Perry has produced two shows; Burns was a gofer on Entertainment Tonight).
  5. They’ve both had minor roles in major releases (as mentioned, Perry was in the newest Star Trek, and Burns was in Saving Private Ryan).
  6. They both are extremely rich.

And that’s why Tyler Perry is Ed Burns 2.0.

Drunken Recollection… “Where’s Rock Bottom?”

Posted on by sgottahurt

To preface, this is the New Place Lounge in Dearborn, Michigan, pictured from the outside:

Uncensored

And this is the New Place Lounge pictured from the inside:

Uncensored

Now imagine a night that I had been drinking, um, for a good six hours, and someone told me she was going to be at the above new place lounge:

Scent-sored

Now imagine my shock at this news, and me running outside to promptly call them.  Here’s how the conversation sort of went:

LADY – New Place Lounge.

ME – Is Debbie Gibson going to play there?!

LADY – You don’t have to yell.  I can hear you perfectly fine.

ME – I’m sorry.  It sounded loud on your end so I tried to compensate!  Is it true Debbie Gibson is going to be playing at your bar?!

LADY – You’re still yelling.  (unintelligible)  She’ll be playing at Rock Bottom.

ME – Rock Bottom?  Where’s Rock Bottom?!

LADY – (hangs up)

I immediately turned to the TripleDoubleU on my phone to find out where a Rock Bottom was locally because I knew there was one in Chicago, but my efforts were fruitless.  I gave up and decided to research the next day.

A couple of hours of sleep and a McDonald’s breakfast later, I translated what I’d actually heard:

LADY – For her to play here, she’d have to hit rock bottom.

TAH-DAH!

(SIDENOTE: I should have also prefaced that in my preadolescence, I was in love with Debbie Gibson.  Don’t click this – it’s the gayest straight thing I ever wrote.)

InASense, Lost… Garfield Hates Mondays, And Veterans Apparently

Posted on by sgottahurt

Whoo, boy… you’re going to have to sit down for this one because itza doozy, lemme tell you.

Garfield creator Jim Davis recently apologized for this:

 

Talk about "Wooof" (see the last post)

 

I mean, it’s not only an affront to this nation’s veterans (you read the linked article above, right?)*, but it’s also terribly…

…not funny.

Seriously, why the fuck is this shit still being produced and published?  I’d have to harken back to a time in my youth when I looooved Garfield, but even now, I’m hard-pressed to recall if I ever thought the strip was humorous.

I think my reason for liking him stems from the fact that he was the first character I taught myself how to draw, or it’s simply because I had limited options outside of Peanuts, Blondie, and Cathy.  (This time frame falls well before the genius that was Calvin & Hobbes, and his pissed-off merchandising rip-offs.  And come to think of it, at this time in my life, I did enjoy ABC’s TGIF lineup.)

In closing, this atrocity needs to meet its end, and if he’s lucky… maybe we’ll celebrate a National Stupid Day in his honor.

*It was published on Veteran’s Day.

Worth 1002 Words… Star Wars Tirade Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Klaatu, Brutus?

(SIDENOTE: It makes a lot of sense to give the proper name to the character formerly known as Klaatu, because Kenner did the same with many other toys, like Ponda Baba (Walrus Man), Momaw Nadon (Hammerhead), or Saelt-Marae (Yak Face).  You know, because he’s a Klaatu and his name his Wooof…

…wait, what’s that?

His people are actually called Kadas’sa’Nikto, so his name could be (and once was) Klaatu, but they’ve finally opted to go with Wooof because, well, just because of this quote via Wookieepedia:

The Green Nikto seen in Jabba’s palace was called Klaatu, though Wooof was one of the production names used for this character. ―Leland Chee (whoever he is)

So there’s no reason for the ridiculous change.  And that’s it for my nerdy tirade.  As the famous line from The Day the Earth Stood Still goes:

Klaatu barada nikto…

…end SIDENOTE)

Happy Find… Rosie Jones In Action!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I just love this British bird:

The One and Only Rosie Jones (not counting the golfer, Rosie Jones)

Unbeknownst to her, Rosie Jones has been in a long-standing heated battle with Alison Brie to be my number one crush, but every once in a while, she pulls ahead (as when I suggested her for a role in the inevitable Home Improvement movie.)

Hearing her lovely lilting accent puts her on top once again (as opposed to her usual nude Page Three photo shoots):