Month: February 2010

InASense, Lost… Smurfs Get Smurfed The Smurf Up!

Posted on by sgottahurt

If anyone is holding their breath for a live-action Smurfs film, keep holding your breath.  Not so much because the movie isn’t happening, but because we need to strengthen the gene pool.

That being said, next year marks the release of Avatar 2, er, I mean, The Smurfs, and this is sample CGI rendering of one:

You've seen one Smurf, you've seen one hundred...

It’s supposed to take place in New York’s Central Park (for some reason), and a live Actor! will portray Gargamel (although one would guess that Azrael would also be animated… you know, because a good cat Actor! is hard to come by these days).

Anyblue, the movie will most likely be horrible.  Unless – and this is bigger than three apples high “unless” – the film has a twist ending like this 2005 Belgium ad for UNICEF.  I don’t know if it’s supposed to make me happy or sad, but I willing to let you guess which emotion it elicits from me:

If you’re wondering what the last message’s translation happens to be, it’s this:

Don’t let war affect the lives of children.

Geez.  Thanks for taking all the fun out of the video Babel Fish.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Do Disney Heroines Have A Dress Code?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Beginning in 1937, Walt Disney set a precedent with Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Was it in animation? I guess possibly.

Was it in film history? Maybe.  I think so.

Was it in– Listen man, do I look like a film major or something?  (For the record – I am.)

The precedent I speak of is a simple one: almost all Disney heroines wear blue.

EXAMPLE 1: THE DISNEY PRINCESSES

Snow White - Cinderella - Aurora (Briar-Rose) - Eilonwy - Ariel - Jasmine - Pocahontas - Mulan - Kira - Tiana

Okay, so Snow White is wearing all the primary colors, Sleeping Beauty’s dress changes back and forth between pink and blue, Eilonwy’s eyes are the bluest thing on her, and only pieces of Pocahontas and Mulan’s outfits are blue, but there’s still further proof in the pudding.

EXAMPLE 2: THE DISNEY NON-PRINCESSES

Blue Fairy - Alice - Wendy - Jenny - Belle - Esmerelda - Jane

This one’s easy. The Blue Fairy has the color in her name; Alice & Belle and Wendy & Jenny are practically twins; Esmerelda’s corset is blue and for Jane it’s her kerchief.  Blue eyes are shared by almost all of these ladies as well.  Sorry Belle (brown) and Esmerelda (green).

EXAMPLE 3: THE DISNEY ANIMALS

Jumbo - Lady - Purdy - Duchess

Lady and Purdy might only have blue collars, and Duchess only blue eyes, but Jumbo sure has one big blue blanket.  As far as the animals go, these few are lucky.  The others…

EXAMPLE 4: WILD ANIMALS AND WILD, UM, CHILDS

Bambi's Mother - Maid Marian - Bianca - Nala - Megara - Lilo

These are the unlucky ones that break the blue streak.  It makes sense that Bambi’s Mother and Nala don’t represent the traditional hue, seeing as how their stories take place in the wild, but it’s also interesting that the anthropomorphized animals (Maid Marian and Bianca) wear purple alongside the temptress-turned-heroine Megara.  I figure Lilo never wears blue since her pet “puppy” Stitch is nothing but.

So what does all this blue business mean?

Blue is the color of the sky and sea. It is often associated with depth and stability. It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith, truth, and heaven. (via Color Wheel Pro)

Hmm… those are pretty decent traits for all these characters to be associated with.  What I don’t understand is whay there has to be an emphasis on pretty…

Wait.  The emphasis was mine.  Never mind.

(Thanks to David for the tip)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Cutting Edge

Posted on by sgottahurt

a.k.a. "Clash of the Olympians"

In honor of the upcoming Winter Olympics, I thought it was my place to present a film I consider to be The Shit and all the Just Shitty things that followed.

Not enough people know about this film, in my opinion.  The Cutting Edge would be, what I consider, the perfect gateway romantic comedy.  It’s like marijuana in the form of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

What I always liked about it was that Kate (Moira Kelly) was ‘the bad boy’ and Doug (D.B. Sweeney) had to win her over.  Yet Doug was still enough of ‘a bad boy’… oh, I’m not going to go into this any further.  Just know that it’s fun and funny and will provide you with the secret passphrase amongst us “Cutting Edgers” (not to be confused with “cutters”).  HINT: It has to deal with a part of an ice skate blade.

Now, I was going to go on to explain how the TV movie/direct-to-DVD sequels were Just Shitty, but in all fairness, I haven’t seen them.  I still assume they’re Just Shitty, of course, considering their plot synopses:

The Cutting Edge 2: Going for the Gold

  • Kate and Doug’s daughter, Jackie Dorsey, wants a Gold Medal of her own.
  • She gets hurt.
  • She get teamed with a non-figure skater named Alex (he’s a surfer/in-line skater).
  • They don’t get along.
  • They secretly fall in love.
  • They have a falling out.
  • They admit their mutual love.
  • They win!

The Cutting Edge 3: Chasing the Dream

  • Zach (who?) and Celeste (?!?) want a Gold Medal of their own.
  • Celeste gets hurt.
  • Zach gets teamed with a non-figure skater named Alex (seriously – her full name is Alejandra, and she’s a hockey player… CALLBACK!)
  • They don’t get along (and get trained by Jackie Dorsey… CONTINUITY!)
  • They secretly fall in love.
  • They have a falling out.
  • They admit their mutual love.
  • They win!
  • (What happened to Celeste?  Do I smell The Cutting Edge 4: On a Slippery Slope?)

Creative, huh?

Well, I figure that’s Just Shitty enough.  I going to go on and analyze D.B. Sweeney and Moira Kelly’s lackluster careers beyond this film, but both have gotten a pretty fair shake.

I liked her better when she was younger. Whodathunk?

To be honest, I was surprised at Moira’s success in recent years (she had a decent stint on The West Wing and is still (?) on One Tree Hill which is still (?) on (?)).

As for D.B., he’s kept busy, but as far as having a fruitful roll, does Brother Bear count?  How about Spike Lee’s Miracle at St. Anna?  He’s guest starred in a lot of TV shows, though.

I bet it has to deal with his initials…

Just go by Daniel Bernard, man...

Happy Find… The Last Airbender Preview

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t have anything else to say.

I just really cannot wait for this movie.

I drool in anticipation.  (<— I was going to go with a few options other than drool, but they bordered on inappropriate.)

The Nickelodeon cartoon this adaptation is based on is one of the best I’ve fully enjoyed, and it’s a shame James Cameron beat M. Night Shyamalan to the film naming pool.  (The show was on in 2005.  But I guess Titanic earns you more weight for that cannonball than The Happening.)

Anywind, Aang is the Avatar.  Fuck Jake Sully.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Loco Local Kids Show

Posted on by sgottahurt

Not the picture I set out to find, but a joy nonetheless.

I’ve searched, and I’ve searched, and I’ve searched for some things on the web that I thought I would never find.

Two such misses, and one hit:

1) There was a radio ad for Orange Crush that was so ridiculous it would be redonkulous.  In it, two terrible voice actors try to sound like hip high-schoolers, and these things happen:

  • They both talk about watching one of their moms work out
  • They refer to Orange Crush as OC
  • The friend hints that he wants to bang his friend’s mom

And that’s just the tip of the slimy iceberg, written in the corporate Poochie kind of thinking.  Fitness MILF’s – check.  Slang terms – check.  Dumb sounding high schoolers – check…  

Pick your Poochie

Every time I heard it, I wished I had a quicker record feature on my phone, or that my blog was famous so I could sic my fans on the TripleDoubleU to track this down.  

2) There’s a local plastic surgeon that had a fantastic commercial on TV for a while.  In it, the announcer explained all the feats he was capable of performing, and the camera zoomed in and swirled around him and his folded arms.  He nodded his head at each accomplishment in complete amazement and agreement.  The best part – he was floating in the sky.But alas, he has one TV ad on his website, and this one it ain’t.

3) This one I found.  Even though it’s heart is in the right place, the show’s format would make Tim and Eric jealous.  It’s entitled K.E.Y.S. Kids, and it is a low-budget trip fest.  To begin, K.E.Y.S. is an acronym for Kids Enjoy Your Selves, which basically makes the full title Kids Enjoy Your Selves Kids.

Is anyone else terrified?

You must check out the opening of the show, available at the bottom of this page.  When I was a kid, this was the local offering:

Well, I guess that’s just as trippy…

(Orange Crush doodle via The Jlog)

In My Brain While Sleeping… What Happens In Vegas, Stays Up In The Air

Posted on by sgottahurt

As it turned out, I could fly.  Normally, in dreams where I can fly, I have to flap my arms like wings.  This was the first dream I can recall where I willed my body into flight.

And I wasn’t alone.  There was a small troop of us that possessed this ability.

It was a little bit of this...

...mixed with the awe of this.

We lived in Las Vegas, and rather than use our abilities for the benefit of humanity, our leader – let’s call him Jimmy – devised a way for us to make some serious cash.

Rather than put on a garish stage production, Jimmy approached the big wigs that were opening a new casino, and he pitched a live interactive event.  He worked up plans that involved installing a pulley system throughout the casino that would be operated in the upper floors.

The concept – angelic beings (he would never call us actual angels) would fly around the casino, serving drinks, performing security, etc.

The big wigs bit, and our troop got the gig.  Millions upon millions of dollars were made, and us “angelic beings” were the talk of the town.

The scam was this – we may have had pulley cords tethered to us, but we pretty much flew around the casino wherever we wanted.  Nobody could understand our maneuverability, but that’s why people would spend big bucks to see us.

One day, as my friend – let’s call her Sapphron – and I were out at an expensive restaurant on the strip, a shiny green suited, big sunglasses wearing, fuzzy striped hat adorned man joined our table with his scantily clad female friend.  He bought us drinks and brought up our operation.

I thought he was really nice, but Sapphron caught on instantly.  He was simply a pimp trying to get his ho’s into our aerial act, as a new form of marketing.

By the point I believed Sapphron (apparently I was very naive), the pimp had already spent tons of money on us for the night, and he was asking to check out our facilities.  Sapphron and I obliged out of guilt for accepting all the food and drinks he bought that night, or out of fear for our lives.

We took him back to the casino to meet Jimmy.  We didn’t know what was going to happen.  As the two met, the tension in the room rose exponentially.  I looked at Sapphron, at the ho, at the pimp, then at Jimmy.  Then I woke up.

Sucks to leave an ending up in the air, eh?

Drunken Recollection… An Invention, A Lesson, And A Sober Realization

Posted on by sgottahurt

THE INVENTION

Free-serve beer spouts, like they have in fast food restaurants.  You could purchase a $25 glass and have at it.  The wait staff might love it or hate it, so it should be test marketed here first.  Preferably at a bar close to my home.

Fountain of Booze

THE LESSON

Don’t drink Guinness through a straw.  It looses the taste.  Although it is cute when you make a stupid joke about doing so, and the waitress follows through by bringing your next stout with a spout.

Not to be confused with chocolate milk

THE SOBER REALIZATION

“Fountain Dew” tastes really good sometimes.  That’s the Mountain Dew you get out of the fountain, if I’ve lost your attention in this complicated post.  It happens most often at Taco Bell.  Sometimes at KFC and Arby’s.  Never at Subway.  Because I hate Subway.  Fuck Subway.  I could make those sandwiches at home.

JusWondering… Criteria To Be A Child Of The 80’s

Posted on by sgottahurt

First off, let me begin by saying this:

Fuck those You might be a Child of the 80’s if… lists.

Now that that’s out of my system, let me explain why I feel that way: they’re pretentious.  All they contain are some moron’s notion of nostalgia.  They’re collections of random “a-ha! remember this!” recollections.  All puff.  No fact.

So today, I shall set out to empirically define what makes someone a Child of the 80’s, and it’s simple.

If you saw this movie at the theater on its first run:

empire_strikes_back_ver1

And you didn’t see this movie on its first run:

Then

you are

a Child of the 80’s.

If you were born between Empire Strikes Back and Back to the Future, or in the Back-to-Back Time Frame, you might believe you’re a Child of the 80’s because you remember crap on those stupid lists, but believe me, you’re not.

I might give you seeing second run E.T. or first run Return of the Jedi at the theater as a marker, but it’s doubtful you remember it.  I know that I saw The Muppet Movie, and I knew its music courtesy of a record we had as kids, but I don’t recall the experience.  This is why I’m not a Child of the 70’s.

Now just as sure as those born between the original releases of Jaws and Empire Strikes Back (The Jaw Strike Time Frame) are certified 80’s Children,  those born between Back to the Future and Home Alone (The Future Doesn’t Bode Well For Macaulay Culkin Time Frame) are Children of the 90’s.

So what does that make those born in The Back-to-Back Time Frame?

"Children of the PG-13's"