EXCLUSIVE: Excerpts From Obama’s “First Draft” Of Victory Speech Found In Potbelly’s Trash Can

As powerful as expected, President Elect Barack Obama gave his victory speech in Chicago’s Grant Park last night.  My sister, Becky, was there to witness it as it happened. 

I was just there over the weekend, as I mentioned in another post, to see the Lions get beat by the Bears, barely.  (I was wearing my #20 Seanders jersey, and you better believe I was the nicest guy in Soldier Field ever, but I digress.)  I was kind of waiting for the inevitable to happen before I revealed this, but… I found a copy of Obama’s first draft of the speech.

It turned up in a trash bin outside of a Potbelly near Michigan Avenue.  What was I doing looking in the trash, you might wonder, and rather than let your mind wander, I’ll share this… my sister threw out half of her cookie I totally would have eaten!

Some highlights from the speech, followed by excerpts of the alleged first draft:

He opened the speech with talk of the American dream, and about the people that waited in record lines to vote.

It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.

He originally planned to finish that statement with this: “…of states of confusion and states of clarity.”

After more positivity, he spoke about his opponent:

Sen. McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he’s fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.

I thought this part would have been nice had he kept it: “And wasn’t he great on Saturday Night Live?  The part about the Joe action figures, and the pork knives… heck, the whole thing was pretty hilarious.”

I congratulate him; I congratulate Gov. Palin for all that they’ve achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.

“Oh, and thanks, again Senator for choosing the Governor as your running mate.  Really, really thanks.”

He goes on to thank Vice President Elect Joe Biden, his wife, his children, his grandmother that passed away the day before the election, and the rest of his family.  Then he brought up his friends.

And to my campaign manager, David Plouffe, the unsung hero of this campaign, who built the best — the best political campaign, I think, in the history of the United States of America. To my chief strategist David Axelrod who’s been a partner with me every step of the way.

“And Bill… you know who you are, and where you are.  Whether you’re above ground, or underground.”

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you.

“And to you, and you, and you… (point at random people for about ten minutes).”

The remainder pretty much remained the same, except for the very ending.

This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.

Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.

“And thanks for taking a chance on me.”  Then he planned to close with one of these songs:

Or Flo Rida’s hit:

(Full actual transcript from CNN here.  Full actual video of speech here.)

 

Rush Hour Of The Jedi

To follow up my Brett Ratner rant on this Election Night, I thought I might present something that, um, could very well be perceived as un-PC (and I don’t mean Mac, Justin Long!)

Although the dialogue track is lifted from “Rush Hour,” to find it edited into “Return of the Jedi” – it makes it actually pretty funny.

OMBR! (Oh My Brett Ratner!)

The genius that is Brett Ratner – I’m not even smart enough to find the words.  His originality is unmatched; his levels of depth unfathomable.  (Ha! A pun!)  He is the answer to our unanswerable prayers.

Oh, yeah… Did I forget to mention today is Opposite Day?  (Except when it comes to voting… It’s so Opposite Day that it’s NOT Opposite Day… whoa, deep…)

Now grant it, Heidi Klum is one helluva new addition to America’s citizenship ranks, but Brettcrack was paid beaucoup bucks to brand Guitar Hero, as if the popular game needed help.  (FYI: he came up with the name “World Tour” – he’s like a the fucking Stephen Hawking of pop culture!)

This is technically the fourth video that’s exactly the same… much like his “Rush Hour” movies.  Click here for the athletes version and here for the American Idols commercials.

God, he infuriates me.  But perhaps he’s worth what he’s paid… look at all the attention I’m giving him.

BONUS: Now with a fifth commercial (Director’s Cut)!  It must have been difficult to get a German underwear model to dance in next to nothing… I don’t know how Brettcrack does it.

Happy Find… And They All Fall (Out Boy) Down

Last Friday, here in Detroit, Fall Out Boy broke the world record for most radio interviews by a pair in 24 hrs.  Their 58th call to 89X was the one that pushed them over.

So that got me thinking… how many other stupid records are out there?  Over the Halloween weekend, I visited my sister, Becky, in Chicago.  On the ride there, my cousin, Steve, and I got into a discussion about “Seinfeld,”  which inevitably lead to bringing up baked bean teeth.

All those chairs... and rope lights! Yum!

All those chairs... and rope lights! Yum!

Comme des hors d oeuvres

Comme des hors d oeuvres

Steve said he once knew of a man who had bean teeth, and he and his friends swore the man could eat a plane.  I didn’t get it, but he said some guy was in Guinness for eating an airplane, and he had bean teeth.  He said it took four months (in actuality, it took two years), but I was super-impressed because I pictured a 747 (in actuality, it was a Cessna 150).

Anywingsandall, my thirst to find more dumb things people will do to set a record intensified.  I planned to scour the web for hours or days (hey, maybe I could set that record), but then I found video of this.  

And that should do it for me.  This is why the only things people should try to break are accompanied by crashing sounds. 

(If you want to, you can check more stuff out here.)

In My Brain While Sleeping… Product Placement

Richard Chamberlain

Not pictured: Richard Chamberlain... Pictured: floating child head

In a high rise, um, high above Gotham, Bruce Wayne and I were speaking with a third party about investing in the future.

“Stride bubblegum,” Bruce began.  “It’s the taste of the future.”

“And the future is now,” I added.

Bubblegum was growing in petri dishes, and our guest wasn’t sold.  As it turned out, he didn’t have the funds to cover such an investment.  That’s when I pulled out a Capital One credit card.

“It’s the credit card of the future,” Bruce uttered without further prompting.

I merely nodded this time.  As our potential business partner contemplated his next move, an alram sounded through the city (I guess the bat signal wasn’t enough.)  Bruce excused himself.

Soon, there was a giant Shogun Warrior (by Mattel) roaming Gotham’s streets.  I wondered, “How will Batman defeat this monstrosity?”

With a Bat Gundam of course.  (This could happen.  Check here.)

BONUS: Halloween advice from a dream over the weekend – if you want to make a bowl of M&M’s last longer, try cutting them all in half.

INGREDIENTS: Ten hours of surfing the 3x2xU since I was out of town all weekend, coupled with a GladWare storage container full of five-day old Kraft spaghetti.

Michigan Population, Now + 2

Holy crapola!  I was going to write a post about Daunte Culpepper getting signed to the Lions earlier, and I’m glad I waited…

The Answer is coming to the Pistons, too!  Allen Iverson wasn’t a big fan of our former coach, Larry Brown… or practice for that matter.

We have hadn’t this many marquee players in town since the 2003-4 Red Wings roster (even though hockey doesn’t really count, right rest of America?)

I mean, the 2006 Tigers had… I give up.  The last superstar we had is a gimme – Barry Sanders. 

(SIDENOTE: My buddy, Jay was a huge Barry fan.  He would have probably given anything to meet him.  One night, in a Canadian strip club, two of my other friends ran into him at the bar, and they exchanged words.  Barry left not soon after, and walked right past Jay as he was getting a $10 table dance.  I don’t know… I find it funny.)

Well, whether this is good news or not will play out in the future, but it may pay off for me much earlier.  You see, I have plans to get personalized sports jerseys for each of the teams.  I already have my #20 Seanders Lions Jersey.  I’m waiting to make sure Curtis Granderson is a Tigers’ franchise guy before I get a #28 Grandersean jersey, because I almost got a #14 Seanahan before Brendan Shanahan was traded to the Rangers (I hope he returns to retire with us, but I always have the option of #13 Datsean – #19 Yzersean seems to be pushing it).  Prior to Iverson, my best Piston pun would have been Taysean, but that’s Prince’s first name.  Could there be a Iversean jersey?

Anyhoopsandhuddles, welcome aboard, Daunte and Allen!  Hopefully, we don’t suck your souls.

Crispin In The Sun With Toonces!

I have known a few people through the years that have done things that some people may see as odd, such as wearing leather chaps to a co-ed softball game while covered in peanut butter, or making artwork out of animal intestines. 

Okay, actually, they are odd, but some people find that off-putting.  For me, these people are the spice of life (the off-the-cuff kind of spice you’d find at CVS or Aldi’s).  They’re a modern performance artist, in my opinion, and I can say I’m not too different (see the new #7 on my Fact Sheet).  Or they’re completely batshit crazy, but who cares?

Crispin Glover may be a genius or a nutjob (the separtion between the two is a thin line, and we’re not talking cocaine here… or are we?)  Check out Screen Junkies’ list of his “9 Most Bizarre Moments.”

Here’s a sneak peek at #8:

BONUS: Toonces Without a Cause:

Where The Hell Is That Smile On Your Face, That Salty Tear Down Your Cheek, That Warm Feeling Inside Your Heart, And, Um, Matt

Almost 12,000,000 people have seen this.  Up until this past weekend, I had not.  If I can spread this onto at least one more of you, I will feel that I’ve done my good deed for the year.  Now I can drink my beer, watch my porn, and insult my friends and family without any further feelings of ill will…

All right, I never feel ill will, but it does bother me that I don’t. 

No, it doesn’t.

Where the Hell is… Matt? and where the hell is my pizza!  I ordered it an hour ago!

Watchin’ The Game… Havin’ A Bummer

I’ve refrained from getting into political discourse on this page because there are far better blogs on WordPress for that (such as Mudflats and Margaret and Helen for example).  But this I found via BlackSpin and I’m sure it will soon be everywhere.  Ladies and gents I present to you: The Wassup Guys from the Budweiser commercials – Eight Years Later.

For memories of better times.

Ironically, Shelley Malil (Chad, the tennis guy from this Bud commercial), fared no better in the last eight years.

Wow… this is some bummerific junx.  To clean the palette: