Month: October 2008

JusWondering… Columbus Day

Posted on by sgottahurt

Update: Added one more holiday after a discussion with my friend, Devin.

This past Monday came and went in a flash, and it wasn’t until the next day that I realized a holiday had passed – one that hadn’t mattered since grade school, if even then.  But it got me juswondering… didn’t somebody disprove Columbus “discovering” America?

I thought the Columbus story went the way of Shakespeare, Brontosauruseseses, and Pluto (the Planet our Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us when we were wee)?

Perhaps Columbus Day is sort of like an appendix… something we keep around because it’s there, but it might kill us if it becomes inflamed, much like the boats Columbus used to discover this continent.

Then I started thinking about what body parts other holidays might be akin to.  For example, Birthdays are like crow’s feet… they keep coming whether you want them or not. 

Thanksgiving is like a spare tire – or a muffintop for the ladies – because we revel in unloosening our belt buckles and passing out watching tv (as if every other day doesn’t count).

Independence Day = genitalia… especially when it comes to fireworks.  Our fascination develops over time from childhood to adults.  At first, it’s all *yay* sparklers.  As adults, it’s illegal and Chinese and dangerous.

Valentine’s Day is like kidneys.  Two is natural… one is sad.

Halloween is any body part this guy fixes:

Labor Day could be an upset stomach because you can’t wear white after it.

And Christmas would be an itchy butthole… because sometimes you can’t pick what you get.

My Pilot for the FX Network That Never Was

Posted on by sgottahurt

I found out about a contest to create a new sitcom for FX on Thursday, came up with the script on Friday, bought a new camcorder on Saturday, filmed it on Sunday (which was a blast in my opinion), edited it on Monday, and submitted it Tuesday to Filmaka.

The “far-fetched” premise follows four life-long friends who’ve grown apart, and in an attempt to recapture old times, purchase season tickets to their beleaguered home team, the Motor City Blues – which is not at all similar to the Detroit Lions since they occasionally win.  This snippet takes place the morning after the team’s home opener.

Enjoy.  Or not.  FX didn’t.

InASense, Lost… Merkins

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was about to be finished posting things for today, but upon finding this, I couldn’t resist.  Within the last few months, I became aware of two new words.  I was surprised – no, shocked – that I did not know of them earlier, especially upon learning what they meant. 

Combined in a phrase, they served as my Traveling Trivia Team name on several occasions (I’ll get into the Traveling Trivia Team thing another day).  No one would laugh but the people at my table and stray frat boys.

The team’s name: Merkin-Free Tribbin’.

Here’s a heads up on the meaning of merkin. 

I’ll leave the other word up to you.

Happy Find… Pot Psychology

Posted on by sgottahurt

I found this gem over the weekend, courtesy of the website Jezebel.  I got a good contact buzz by watching, plus some interesting unapplicable advice, and I implore you to check this one out first.  Feel free to dive deeper into Tracie and Rick’s collection at Vimeo.

In My Brain While Sleeping… “UpDating”

Posted on by sgottahurt

Last night, amidst my political nightmares (no, really, I can’t stop having scary dreams about the upcoming election), I had a bright idea…

“UpDating.”

It’s a reality show where people get hooked up outside of their 2 digit buffer zone.  Let me quickly explain: according to Joey Tribbiani (formerly of “Friends,” while on his show “Joey”… yes, I watched some episodes and just forgot to keep watching…), everyone has a looks rating on a scale of 1 to 10, and it’s impossible to date someone higher than 2 digits over your number.  “UpDating” would be between people at least 3 digits apart.  It would be a “Beauty and the Geek” meets “Blind Date.”  Quick get MTV on the horn!

(Just don’t tell any execs that the ones who were “UpDating” in my dream had hoofs for hands.)

Talk About Uncanny Valley

Posted on by sgottahurt

Two seasons in and “30 Rock” has had more than its share of quotes and one-liners.  One of my favorites came in the form of Judah Friedlander’s Frank explaining “The Uncanny Valley” to Tracy Morgan’s Tracy Jordan in “Star Wars.”  Basically, the theory states that as an artificial lifeform approaches a more lifelike appearance, the creepier it will get.

"Han Solo acts like he doesn't care, but he does."

 The industrial robot would be R2-D2 and C-3PO would be the humanoid robot (“They’re nice,” Tracy sighs).  Han Solo is the healthy person (“He acts like he doesn’t care, but he does,” Tracy laments).  In the valley, you’d find Clone Troopers and Tom Hanks in “The Polar Express,” to which Tracy freaks out.

Add this…

As Tracy would sing – “Spooky, scary…” (check it out at http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1782806 )

Lion Down On The Job

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m not going to deny that I can be a fair-weather fan from time to time (which I guess is redundant since a fair-weather fan is a “fan from time to time”), but when you come from Detroit, it’s forgivable to be like Michigan’s seasonal patterns.

And sure, we have the Red Wings and the Pistons (and we still may have the Tigers next season *fingers crossed*), but the Lions – oh boy.

Now it’s easy to sack them (ha ha), but I feel there’s only one thing they excel at: Getting Our Hopes Up.  But this season, I will not stand for it.  I’m secretly (well I guess not anymore) rooting against them.  I want that mythical 0-16 season that the Dolphins almost had last year.  Every other team gets to break records when they play against us, so let’s set one ourselves.

When watching their games, I’m always reminded of a comic strip that my uncle had on his fridge.  There was a picture of a little boy with present in his hand with the caption: “Still believes in Santa Claus.”  Next was a toothless little girl with the caption: “Still believes in the Tooth Fairy.”  The last panel was a middle aged guy with a number 20 jersey and one of those beer hats with the caption: “Still believes in the Lions.”

The ads around here ask: “Do You Believe in Now?”  Ask me tomorrow.

Here’s Another Johnny-Come-Lately

Posted on by sgottahurt

…And no, that’s not a reference to any porn film (although I will store it as a potential title if I ever end up in the Valley, writing my masterpiece (of A?) for the Jenna’s, Roxy’s, and Cytheria’s of the world).

No, it’s in reference to me finally entering the world of Personal Public Display, like so many of my friends and family already have.   Hence Monkey Blog, Monkey Do.

Having been a part of that generational gap that missed the MySpace and Facebook cruise liners, and since refusing to board late as if I was in “Final Destination 4: You Cruise, You Lose” (another idea to brain bank for Hollywood), I’ve opted to go blog.  And once you go blog – you never go back.