Awesome Battle… He-Man Vs. She-Ra

Sibling Rivalry

Recently, on the Hub or some channel like that, I happened to catch back-to-back episodes of both shows, and I’ve already decided that there is a clear winner in the Awesome Battle between He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and She-Ra: The Princess of Power.  This post will illustrate my process.

  • ROUND 1 – THEME SONGS

Each of these are classics in their own right, but one stands out as a more advanced arrangement.  One could even imagine its back beat being lifted for an artist such as Nicki Minaj:

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 2 – ROGUE GALLERY

Let’s take a look at She-Ra’s enemies – The Evil Horde, lead by Hordak:

They were so bad-ass, they didn’t even sell them as part of the She-Ra toyline.

And howzabout He-Man’s baddies, lead by Skeletor:

I kid, I kid… Or should I say “I baby…” (pun!)

(Click here for the real pic.)

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 3 – SEXUAL OVERTONES

Sexual overtones are in all cartoons… especially in ones that phocus on fysique focus on physique.  So in He-Man, you have Prince Adam who dresses like this:

Um… yup.

And this is him as He-Man with his merry crew:

Despite furry loin clothes and boots, plus Ram Man’s skirt, this is a bit better.

With She-Ra, well, here’s the whole kitten-caboodle:

Hello ladies…

Even if you excuse the rainbow for the times, on the episode of She-Ra that I watched, at the start of the show, she emerged from one of the other ladies’ tents after spending the night.  Remember, this is pre-Brokeback Mountain, too, but mixed messages are mixed messages for a reason.

WINNER: TIE WITH SLIGHT EDGE TO SHE-RA (NOT TO BE INSENSITIVE, BUT I’LL CHOOSE LESBIANS EVERY TIME)

  • ROUND 4 – COMIC RELIEF

On MOTU, you have Orko:

“Here’s today’s lesson… if you try to be funny, you’re probably not…”

On POP, you have Madame Razz:

Get it! She has a talking broom! (I don’t get it…)

WINNER: TIE… NEITHER ARE THAT FUNNY

  • ROUND 5 – ACCEPTABLE WEIRDNESS

Here are some weird things on He-Man:

They fight by shoving, not punching.

Need more proof?

Who’s this guy?

A dragon wearing a horned helmet?

This takes the cake.

No weird pictures for She-Ra because all that shit’s acceptable.

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 6 – HIDDEN CHARACTERS

In every episode of She-Ra, you had to watch extra hard to find Loo-Kee hidden somewhere in a scene:

He hid better than this.

The only thing hiding in episodes of He-Man was common sense.

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 7 – OVERALL TOYLINE

WINNER: HE-MAN

OVERALL WINNER: HE-MAN

In My Brain While Sleeping… How To Break The Tigers Slump

You know how when the team you thought was supposed to be doing fantastic is only doing so-so, it affects your psyche?  Well, it’s really doing a number on my subconscious.

My Detroit Tigers are in the midst of getting out of a slump, but somehow, my brain while sleeping didn’t quite have the answer.

Apparently, in my dream state, to break any curse the team must be reeling from can only be broken by making ace pitcher Justin Verlander

“I don’t like where this is going…”

…out of these:

Well, not just one LEGO guy. Out of many LEGOS.

Aside from having the idea of crafting a LEGO version of #35, I also recall realizing that LEGO has never released any playsets based (pun intended) on baseball.  They’ve done other sports before:

Only one of these sports is “real.”

Why not America’s pastime?  At least other people have taken up the mantle:

Fuzzy pic for so much work.

Show-off.

Bigger show-off.

Is that a famous park? Yes.

So we’re left with two questions:

  1. Why doesn’t LEGO have any MLB sets?
  2. Why did I dream any of this?

Hibbidy-Wah?! Don’t They Realize This Song Is About A One Night Stand?

I always imagined that Bruno Mars wrote Marry You as a tongue-planted-firmly-in-cheek ditty, as if to say:

Girl, I want you so bad, I’ll even marry you…

Am I wrong?  Here are the lyrics.  With a line like:

If we wake up and you
Wanna break up, that’s cool

Maybe I’m old-fashioned… or it means something different in Portland:

(via)

The Silver Lining… Punk Is Not Dead – It’s On YouTube

There needs to be some type of backlash coming against all the pop acts in this world.  But then again, everything is so corporate, I’d have to dig deep to find the backlash.

SIDENOTE: I should mention that I’m lazy.  So I looked up some of my favorites on the ol’ YouTube.  Enjoy.  Or don’t.  Fuck you.

  • Liam Lynch’s United States of Whatever
  • Sex Pistols’ Who Killed Bambi?
  • Suicidal Tendencies’ Institutionalized

InASense, Lost… Taylor Kitsch’s Film Career

All I have to say is in the post’s title.  Taylor Kitsch has three strikes against him now… and I’m afraid his Hollywood future might be D.O.A.

It’s bad when Wolverine is the best of the three.

But on the other hand, he is Canadian, and they have that certain William Shatner resilience.  So perhaps he can forget John Carter in his shadow, and leave Battleship behind him:

(Sorry, that’s lame… but so are these movies!)

Drunken Recollection… Superhero Sexism? Well I Never!

So one day while drinking, the topic of superheroes came up.  (Surprise!)  In discussing whatever aspects we leaped and bound through,  we realized something:

There’s a Spider-Woman, but no Superwoman or Batwoman!

Well, since that day, I’ve done some investigating, and the others have existed.  Hence, I’m changing my postulate to this:

No major character spin-off with ‘woman’ in her title has ever had her own comic except for Spider-Woman!

But what about Wonder Woman, nerds you cry, or Catwoman!?  They aren’t spin-offs based on some male version (even though there is a Wonder Man over at Marvel, and who the hell was Catman?)…

Even Hawkwoman and Invisible Woman were originally Hawkgirl and Invisible Girl.  (Okay, so Hawkgirl and Hawkwoman are different characters, but latter hasn’t had her own comic line like the former.)

Hawkgirl gets love; Hawkwoman gets second-billing.

Anyshehulk, in the Marvel UniverseSpider-Man has nothing to do with Spider-Woman’s origin, whereas the Superwoman and Batwoman incarnations had ties to their male counterparts:

Some incarnations of Superwoman.

Some incarnations of Batwoman.

So what makes Spider-Woman so unique?  Compared to the above, Jessica Drew has almost always been Spider-Woman.  And she came before any of the other Spider-Man counterparts, too:

Spider-Girl is Spidey’s daughter, May; Spider-Boy is a mixture of Spider-Man and Superboy in a combined comic event (so in other words, not real, figuratively speaking).

Supergirl and Superboy have always been Supes‘ cousin or him as a kid (or later, a clone):

Supergirl… more like Superhot, and Superboy looks Superbored…

And as for Batgirl and Bat Boy

…you should have all seen this coming.

SIDENOTE: For more on sexism in comics, check out Women in Refrigerators… this just turned into a PSA.

Unofficial Trilogy… 80’s Movies That Will (Hopefully) Never Get Remade Edition

There was a time when it took some serious chops for a movie to get made.  Studios held all the cards, so they chose on what to gamble.  Here are some cringe-worthy gambles from the 80’s that I’d be shocked to see get remade these days:

These came out of Hollywood when P.C. just meant Pacific Coast…

For those of you unaware of the premise: a rich white guy rents an adult black man to be his son’s friend for a week.  I loved it as a kid, but in hind sight, how did it ever get made?  Who ever tricked Richard Pryor, Jackie Gleason, and director Richard Donner to get involved should get some kind of metal.  But then again, it was the 80’s.  Cocaine was probably somehow involved.

White Actor! C. Thomas Howell plays a student that takes tanning pills to get dark enough skin to appear black.  Your first instinct might be to ask “Huh?” but here’s the answer to why: so he can get a scholarship to Harvard specifically intended for African-American students.  Now you can ask the “Huh?”

This is the tamest of the three, but it’s seemingly the least credible.  How could Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy lug such a flexible deceased Bernie around all weekend without rigor mortis setting in?

JusWondering… Maybe Lens Flares Aren’t A J.J. Abrams Thing?

J.J. Abrams, scriber of Regarding Henry and creative genius behind television’s Facetious Felicity, found himself in the precarious position of relaunching the Star Trek film franchise.

In the process of doing so, he got a little carried away with lens flares.  That’s when light spreads from its source… here’s a collection of shots from the film:

The future’s so bright, I gotta wear BluBlockers.

So yeah, I thought it was a J.J. Abrams thing, but it might be Actor! Chris Pine’s thing:

Here he is in Star Trek

…and here he is on the DVD cover for This Means War.

Any questions?

A Handful Of… Movies That Are Not Sequels To Other Movies

SIDEDISCLAIMER: This is a dumb idea I’ve had for a while now.  Deal with it. Below you will find A Handful Of Movies That Are Not Sequels To Other Movies.  Why am I doing this, you might ask?  My answer: education.

  • Black Dog / White Dog

One wags, while the other swayze.

Black Dog is an action picture about an ex-con being tricked into smuggling illegal arms. White Dog is a movie starring Kristy McNichol around her ABC School Specialdays, and oh yeah – it’s about a racist dog.

  • Think Like a Man / What Women Want

The themes of the films form some kind of mental Mobius strip. Better yet – Ouroboros… the snake that eats its own tail.

Despite nobody having a clue about either sex (sorry Steve Harvey – not all men operate on such basic levels, and sorry to all involved with What Women Want – women never know what they want), these films might as well be science fiction instead of comedies.

SIDENOTE: Speaking of comedies, want a good laugh?  Cameron Diaz is making a sequel called What Men Want.

  • Act I: Food.
  • Act II: Sex.
  • Act III: Sleep.

Finis.

  • Battleship / Clue: The Movie

I miss the days B4 B9 shit like this was made.

Sure, both are based on board games, but whereas Clue: The Movie was clever, Battleship is sunk by getting handed scrap footage from Transformers 3.

  • Chernobyl Diaries / Princess Diaries

And somewhere in the middle sits The Nanny Diaries.

This one’s just dumb.  Moving on…

Prequels, anyone?

Bill Cosby, you weren’t fooling anyone.  Nor making them laugh.  Not even getting a smile, really…